Thought I forgot about this, did you? No, I haven't. I've said a lot already in this blog, and it hasn't always worked to my benefit. I've angered some people, upset some people, had things "read into" what I was saying rather than just heard what I was trying to get across, and the like. But, I've also received some very nice comments, and have been told that some people have been helped listening to me describe my "struggles." I don't really like calling them that...I know other people have much worse problems than I do. Doesn't help much to know that, though, does it? I've always felt it rather dismissive to tell someone that other people have it worse. Of COURSE they do, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel like shit, right?
Anyway, I haven't really been as low as I've been since I wrote some of the things here. I've managed to stay out of the darkness for the most part, and I've been more or less pretty happy. This week has been a challenge, though. I'm not exactly sure why...I received some bad news at work, things have been a little tenser in my personal life, I haven't been doing as well physically as I would like, but none of that really accounts for the way I've been feeling. I'm not sure...it just feels like I've had a storm cloud following me this week, just waiting for me to let my guard down.
I've felt more insecure this week than I have in awhile. I try hard to ignore those feelings...I know it's just a mindfuck, that I AM a good guy (even if I don't always do good things), that I haven't let everyone in my life down, that I'm a good citizen. I know that I'm responsible (too much, most of the time), and that I do care very much about other people, even when I say I don't, and that I'm doing the best I can with the decisions I've made.
This week, though, it hasn't seemed to be enough just knowing all that. I feel lousy about myself and the job I'm doing with my life, and those old thoughts I used to have about whether or not I should even be here have come back. The part of me that is distrustful, scared, and unsure about myself has returned, like a horror movie villain. Just when I thought he was dead, he came back to get his revenge.
That's not to say I'm anywhere near where I used to be...only that it's much like a disease or an addiction. It takes vigilance to beat it down, and I have to be mindful of when it's raising it's ugly head. I haven't done a very good job of it this week....but I'm still trying. I may have lost the battle this week, but the war isn't over. And I don't take losing very easily.
