This is one that I've been putting off for a while, but it's probably long overdue, and deserved (especially considering the last one I put up.) I took that one down...something that I don't do, but it was hurtful and I wrote it in a really bad state of mind. My girlfriend and I had just broken up, and it wasn't exactly a friendly break-up...she did some things to hurt me, I did some things (including the blog post) to hurt her, and we both, unfortunately, succeeded. That's the way things go sometimes, I suppose. I wasn't proud of it, though, and I didn't want to just leave it up as a reminder of how pissed off I was.
I don't want to get into a huge post about why things happened the way they did...I'm not sure that will serve either one of us well. We had had a rough relationship in parts...both of us had let our insecurities get the better of us at times, and neither one of us were very happy. She wanted more from me emotionally, and I needed her to be a little more independent. She felt like I wasn't plugged in, and I felt like I was being leaned on too much. Given some of the circumstances we were facing, it's not surprising that it happened the way it did.
But here's the thing...there's a core there. If you look back at some of my posts about this time last year, you can see how excited I was to meet her. I thought she was beautiful, funny, and she laughed at my jokes. I was so excited. But she was in a bad spot, trying to get back on her feet. And I'm still trying to figure out what I am, post-divorce. I felt like I still needed my space, time to enjoy what I had worked so hard to get. She needed security, and to not feel alone.
After the break-up, it only took a couple of days for us to realize what we'd done. I had withdrawn from the relationship, and she had pushed too hard. I think, in that time, we both recognized that we could do better, try a little harder, and come to a compromise that made each other happy while still maintaining our own happiness. So we agreed to do something that I'm not always a big fan of...try again. My feeling has always been that if it didn't work the first time, why waste time going through it again? Sometimes people just aren't meant to be together.
My problem here, though, was that I wasn't sure if we were or not...I had never given it the fair chance that I should have. I knew that I loved her, cared for her, wanted to be with her. I thought she felt the same way. We had both learned a lot more about what the other one needed...I needed to be more open and affectionate, and make her feel more secure. She needed to give me my space, and let things happen naturally without pushing so hard.
So here we are. And things have been going very well...I'm very happy, and she seems to be as well. I don't believe in fate, nor do I believe in trying to predict the future. We're still going to have issues, and we're going to face some of the same things that troubled us in the past. If I think about it too much, I start to worry about what's going to happen...how long can she handle living like this? What if I'm still not ready? What happens when I get in one of my 'moods' (depression can be a bitch sometimes)? Can I still make her happy? The key, then, is to NOT THINK. Today, I'm very, very happy. I have a partner, some one I can lean on. I have the freedom to figure out who I am as I re-shape myself. I'm trying very hard to give her what she needs, as well. To let her know that I'm always here, even when I'm not sitting next to her. To allow her to realize that she's so much stronger than she ever thought, but that she's never alone. To let her know she's loved, and to allow us both to learn to trust each other more. We're allowing our relationship to grow...to build the foundation that we tried to build in the first place, but due to circumstances and fears, we were unable to lay down.
Most of the time, life doesn't give you a second chance to try again. And although we can't start from scratch, we can re-build. The core of the relationship, our feelings for one another, are strong enough to make it worth the effort. I can't predict where we go from here, but I can certainly be happy that I'm 'here' in the first place. And I am...THAT is for certain.
