It's been over a year since my last blog post. It seems that I turn to writing most often to work out my feelings, and I just haven't felt the pressing urge to write lately. Until now.
Some of you have probably seen or heard rumors about what's been going on in our house. Typically, I prefer to keep these things quiet...I'm a private person, and don't feel the need to broadcast everything that's going on. My opinions, sure...but everything else, not so much. Since Josh has decided to make it public, however, I feel the need to explain what has happened.
I'm not one to bury the lede, so let's get to the facts. Josh was kicked out of our house a little over a month ago. This was not done rashly, or in anger. His mother made the decision, but only after trying everything she could to prevent it. After much soul-searching, praying, asking for advice, she made the only decision she felt she could. He had to leave.
How did we get here? Years of lying, sneaking around, stealing, drug use and an absolute refusal to get help, or even admit that there's a problem. It's difficult to watch someone you love self-destruct. Even more so when it's your child.
When Dani and I were dating, she told me about her children. She told me that her oldest son, Tyler, had the biggest heart you'd ever see, but he was a free spirit. When he's motivated about something, there is nothing in the world more important, but that sometimes means other things get forgotten about, like homework or cleaning his room. He's better about that stuff now, but the rest is pretty much still true. One of the most caring people you'll ever meet, he's become a responsible young man.
Josh was pretty much the opposite. She never had to ask him if his homework was done...it was. He was funny, charismatic, and rarely gave her any problems. When I met him, that was all pretty much still true, although little things started to change as he became a teenager. His homework stopped getting done all the time, his room became messier, he started having a bit of an attitude towards people. Of course, most teenagers are like that, so his mother didn't worry about it much.
As time went on, however, things just got worse. Josh followed a predictable pattern: do something stupid, get caught, lie about it, blame someone else, then be on his best behavior for awhile. One thing that wasn't ever included: an apology. He never admitted that he actually did something wrong...it was always a misunderstanding, an accident, or no one understood him.
In all honesty, the boy didn't have the easiest upbringing. His father hadn't been around for most of his life. His mother worked her tail off as a single parent to try and provide for herself and her two kids, but things were difficult. I think she felt a lot of guilt over that, and that guilt may have factored into some of our interactions. We would have conversations with him and about him. Neither of us knew exactly what to do, but we both could see things were beginning to spin out of control, and we tried our best to catch it.
Josh and I had our first real dust-up the night his mother went into the hospital. Dani had a lot of problems around this time, most likely at least partially caused by the stress of trying to keep it all together. She was admitted to the hospital, and they were going to keep her overnight. Josh's response? He sent me a text while I was at the hospital asking if I could take him to a friend's house. I was LIVID and tore into him about he should be more concerned about his mother than his social plans. He told me he thought it would be okay to go hang out, but needed a ride. When his mother heard it about it, she forgave him, like she always did.
Through the years, there were constant instances like this. I felt he never appreciated her or the things she did for him. There was never a Mother's Day card, or a birthday card, or a Christmas present from Josh. Meanwhile, she defended him, loved him, and tried to do everything she could for him. We didn't fight much, but when we did, it was often about him. I would come down on him for his latest indiscretion, and she would ask me to back off a bit. I was often too hard on him, she was probably too soft. Who knows how much of an effect it had on him. If I hadn't been so tough, or she had been tougher, would anything have been different? These are questions we'll always have to ask ourselves.
I don't know exactly when he started doing drugs, but I do know when it became an obvious problem. We had encouraged Josh to get a job when he turned 16, and told him about an opening at the movie theater. He applied, and was hired. While that was great, it became a hassle for us because he didn't have his driver's license. We asked him to make it a priority to get it, as it was a real struggle for us to pick him up at 11pm or midnight and get up for work ourselves in the morning. He signed up for classes, and on the day of his first driver's class, Dani took him to the school and dropped him off. We sat down for dinner, and her phone rang. It was the driving school, asking her to come pick him up. He had thought it was a good idea to get so stoned before the class that he couldn't stay awake. He was kicked out of the class, and we were embarrassed and discouraged. He did eventually get his license two years later, but not before failing his first test before he made it out of the parking lot. He had stayed out the night before the test, and was in no condition to drive...only the quick thinking of the instructor prevented him from having an accident on his first turn out of the lot.
She started taking him to see a therapist, as it was obvious that there were some problems that needed to be dealt with. The therapist suggested drug counseling and medicine for depression. He refused both, and refused to admit he had a problem. His life became nothing more than sleeping, the occasional shift at work, drugs and the bare minimum at school.
My father had a rule that I supported, and it was that once you turned 18, he would help you as long as you were in school, but once you were out, you were on your own. When Tyler turned 18, he decided he would support himself and move out with some friends. While I disagreed with his decision as I had hoped he would go to school, I admired the fact that he made a decision and stuck with it. He has since decided to go back to school, and has moved back in. I admire that admission that he needed help as well, and we're glad to help him.
Josh was obviously not interested in college. In fact, he failed out of high school his senior year. He did eventually get his diploma by going to summer school, but it was obvious that a university wasn't what he was interested in. Instead, we encouraged him to learn a trade. He told us that he was going to go to welding school, and that it started at the end of October. As the date got closer, I would ask him if he was signed up, and if he needed help paying for it. He told us no, that he had signed himself up, and paid for it himself. Obviously, we were privately suspicious, but heaped praise on him for being so responsible. He would ask for money during this time, since he was 'tapped out' from paying for school. About the same time, we noticed more and more things missing...some change here, a couple dollars there. Yet, we held out hope.
The first day of class, Dani went to the school. Josh wasn't there. She texted him to ask where he was...no response. She texted again, and he texted back, saying he was in class from 6-10 and couldn't talk. When confronted with the news that we knew he wasn't there, he then texted that he had signed up for the wrong class, and would be getting a refund. She asked for proof of this, and received no response.
Throughout the years, I have a witnessed the same scene over and over. Josh would lie to her, disrespect her, call her names, and each time, it hurt a little more. I can't count the number of times he made her cry through his actions or words. This time, though, she was resolute. She told him he had two days to get his stuff and move out. Again, no response. On the second day, he finally responded by showing up with his friend to collect his belongings. He did not apologize, he did not plead his case, he did not say goodbye. He took his stuff and was gone.
Over the next month, we didn't hear from him except through friends and hearsay. We would check on him without his knowledge, but all we ever really heard was the stories of his drug use and how much he hated us, especially her. Once, about two weeks after he left, she started worrying about him and texted him, asking if he was okay. No response, except to call her a bitch on his social media accounts and crow about her crawling back to him.
This brings us to last weekend, and the reason for him going public with this. Last week, we decided to try once again to reach out to Josh, to try and get him the help he needs. We asked him to come over for dinner. He had recently been suspended from work (issuing refunds without manager approval...my theater friends probably remember that scam), but he was still too busy to come over until Sunday. His friend dropped him off on Sunday, and he was a mess. Dani took him to dinner, got him a shower, washed his clothes, and even tended to the blisters on his feet. She talked to him, trying to re-establish the relationship. She even offered him a place to stay if he needed it. He declined, saying he was going over to a friend's house.
About the time he was to be picked up, he said he needed to go to the restroom. He opened the door, turned on the light/fan, and then closed the door to make everyone think he was in the bathroom. He went into his brother's room and closed the door. She could hear him in there, and asked him what he was doing when he came out. He said he was looking for jacket. She asked him what was in his previously empty, but now suddenly heavy, backpack, and he said nothing much, just a toothbrush, toothpaste, that kind of stuff. She made him show her what was in the bag. It was his brother's Playstation 3, some controllers, a game, as much as he could grab in what little time he had. Dani's heart sank. She asked him what he was doing...he said he wanted to 'borrow' it. We asked, if that was the case, why not ask first? Why pretend you were in the bathroom and sneak to do it? Why lie about what was in his bag?
His response was the same as it always was...indignation, things aren't what they seem, that we're assholes for ever doubting him. He laid a guilt trip on her, tried to manipulate her. When she asked for a goodbye, he told her no and stormed out. She cried, again, for hours. The next morning, he decided to go public with how much he despised her, and how unfit she was as a mother, posting as much on Facebook. And he received the response he was going for...many 'poor Josh' messages, and very little support for her.
She asked me to stay out of it, and I have, until now. I have watched him disrespect her, I've watched her cry, and I've watched no one come to her defense. He has manipulated everyone in to believing he is the victim. He is a victim, but only of himself. His selfishness and disregard for anyone or anything but himself has left him without a home and on his own. He's not without help, however. He has to earn our trust back in order to be invited back into the house, but all he has to do is admit that he needs help and ask for it. A mother's love for her son is unbreakable, even if her desire to be dragged down with him isn't.
I'm not asking for your sympathy for any of us. I just cannot abide the one-sided narrative that's out there. If you want to offer anything, a prayer for hurting mother would be sufficient.
