Dreams

I've heard that we dream in short stretches...just minutes at a time. But when you're in a dream, time seems to stretch on for what can seem like hours. I wonder, if you could sleep long enough, and dream the whole time, could you live another life in your dreams? And since it was dream, you'd have some semblance of control over it? If this could happen, would you want to wake up?

I've had a weird relationship with dreams. When I was about 12, I had the same dream every night for over a week...I was older, about my mid-20's, and was in an alley. I was getting mugged, and when I pulled out my wallet, I was stabbed in the stomach. I spent my teens convinced I wouldn't live past the age of 26. When I was diagnosed with colitis at 17, I thought that was it. Colitis almost killed my father, and I went to the same doctor he did. I was the youngest patient he had diagnosed with it by 7 or 8 years. I remember him saying that it was extremely rare to have the problems I was having at such a young age. I cried when I got home from that appointment...I was sure that was what was going to kill me, and what the dream meant. I wasn't going to get stabbed, I was going to die of a 'stomach' ailment.

There were a couple times in my twenties when I thought that it might come true. One time in particular was over Christmas, shortly after my ex-wife and I moved in together. It was the worst my colitis ever got...I was on the verge of bleeding so much that she wanted to take me to the hospital. My doctor called in some medicine (prednisone...works like a charm, but makes me CRAZY. Like, sitting on the edge of the bed, bawling my eyes out for no reason, then screaming, then laughing crazy), and I got better. Haven't really had many problems with it since then...certainly nothing that bad. I'm not naive to think it's not going to happen again, though. It's a disease that goes into remission, but it'll be back. Just a matter of time.

Back to the point. Most of the time, I don't remember my dreams. Occasionally, I'll have one that is so vivid, so weird that I will remember it, but most of the time, they just come and are gone. I've had some wonderful dreams that I've remembered, though...and when it's my time, I hope I'm having one of those. And it'll stretch on, and on...

Empty house

I've been thinking today about being alone. I've said many times that I'm not really afraid of dying alone, and that's true. I think dying will be a pretty personal experience, and although it would be nice to pass on surrounded by my loved ones and all that, on the other hand I'd like for them to think of me in happier times, not on my deathbed. 

Living alone, though...that's something else. I don't necessarily like to live alone. I'm a bit of a loner at heart, but it's nice to know someone's got your back, right? It hits me when I'm sick...no one has my back right now. Sure, I have friends that would help me if I asked for it, but right now, there's no one around to help me if I need it. Up until I got divorced, that was never the case....I went straight from living with my parents to living with my wife. Even until recently, my father was around. My family has all moved away, I'm single, and it's all up to me. That's pretty scary sometimes. If I fall down the stairs, choke on a pretzel, cut myself...no one's going to find me for a couple of days, at least.

That's not to say that the fear of being alone should force me or any one else to stay in a bad situation. No, being alone sucks, but being miserable even with someone else sucks too. Sometimes being alone is preferable. But being in a good situation with someone else would be better. I'm jealous of those people that have found their 'one.' I'll never have a 50th wedding anniversary. Dying alone will be fine...living alone isn't always that much fun.

A day with the boy

So, the flu turns into a sinus infection. This is what happened last year, and it took me almost two months to finally kill it. I swear, I need new sinuses.

Short weekend with the boy. He went to a birthday party earlier today, to which I wasn't invited. Not a big deal, as I'm going to get extra time with him next weekend, and then we're going on vacation together in a few weeks. I do hate the short weekends, though. It's nice to have some time to myself, but I miss him.

We went to a 'sell Star Wars books' event this morning. It was kind of cool...they gave door prizes and had a trivia contest, and I got some pictures of the boy with some Star Wars characters. The trivia contest was interesting...I have no doubt that he could have answered every single question if they had let him. He won two prizes as it was, since no one else was able to answer one of the questions. Maybe I should cut down on the Star Wars stuff?

What made me proud was how polite he was, especially compared to some of the other kids. Where their parents were telling them to be quiet, or keep their hands to themselves, my boy sat there politely, raised his hand, and said please and thank you. Not going to get him a scholarship or anything, but it's certainly nice to see!

Day three...

Don't really have much to say tonight. Still feeling like crap. It's one thing to be sick during the week...gives me an excuse to work from home, which, while still work, does let me avoid actually seeing some of them. It's a completely different thing to be sick on the weekend, though. Ugh.

I'll get through it. Taking the boy to some Star Wars thing in the morning. Me, my coffee, and a metric shit-ton of drugs, most likely. But he'll enjoy it, and I want to make him happy. After that, I think the rest of the weekend will be spent lying around watching movies and praying that this thing passes. Soon.

A lame excuse is better than no excuse?

Yes, I'm *still* sick. I hate being sick...I know, I'm such a baby. There are people living with all kinds of disease and illness, getting busy with their lives. Me? A serious cold or the flu will absolutely lay me out.

I do have a bit of an excuse, lame as it may be. I have ulcerative colitis. It's a disease where my body treats my large intestine as an invader. From what I understand, when my body senses something it should be fighting, it instead spends its resources attacking my colon. In addition to the problems that causes on it's own, it means I get sick more, and when I get sick, it takes me longer to get over it. I'm supposed to take medicine to help with this, but I don't...in fact, I haven't treated it in almost 12 years. I know, I know...but I kind of figure if I don't go looking for trouble, I won't find any, right? Going to the doctor will mean that I will have to have a colonoscopy, which I hate. And it may find problems that I don't want to find. So I don't go.

Instead, I get sick. And it makes me miserable. My body will eventually get it's shit together (bad pun) and fight it off. Until then, it's more NyQuil for me. Ugh.

Still sick

Still sick. Miserably sick. But, it could be worse...I can move around, and I could probably eat if I got up off my ass and did so. I really just want to stay here in bed with the covers up over my head, though. Maybe later...

This does remind me of something I've mentioned before, but probably need to go into more detail about. Right now, I feel horrible. I know, intellectually, that a couple days ago, I felt great. And that a couple days from now, I'll be back to my old self as well. But I can't say I 'remember' feeling well. I know that I did. My body seems to have forgotten how that feels, however. It knows how it feels now, which is poor.

Depression is often like that, too. When I get depressed, I know intellectually that I wasn't always that way, and that I won't always feel that way, but when I'm in the middle of it, I only know how I feel THEN. At that point, it's up to my mind to overcome my feelings. To remind myself, that just like being sick now, it's a temporary problem that will go away. There might be things I can do to help it along, but it's a sickness that will pass, and I can't always just flip a switch and make it go away. Sometimes, you just have to wait it out.

My mind and body do very well telling me when things aren't going well. They don't do quite as good a job telling me when they are...which is when my intellect has to take over.

Sick

This isn't what I had planned on writing today, but sometimes I just have to go with the flow. I'm sick. There are very few things I like less in this world than being sick. I don't handle it well...I just want to go to sleep until it's over.

I've always felt that getting sick shoves my mortality in my face. Every time I'm sick, I feel like I die a little. I recover, and in some ways my body is stronger than before. But mentally, I've stared down the barrel of the gun of life. One day, something is going to claim me. Statistically speaking, it's going to be some disease or illness. Probably not this one (although this has all the signs of being a hell of a cold, if not worse, I don't think it'll be deadly), but some day, I'm going to get hit with something I'm not going to recover from.

That's not really the way I want to go out...being sick, feeling like a shit, then that's it. Of course, if I didn't feel like shit, I'm not going to want to go at all. As bad as I've felt at various points in my life, I've never felt enough physical or emotional pain that made me want to completely check out. Run away, yes. I've even thought about ending it. It's never been about ending it, though...just avoiding the pain. If something else doesn't get me first, there's a good chance that I'm come across something where the only way to avoid the pain will be to check out for good. Although I have faith that there's a God, I'm not so sure about the rest of it...certainly not sure enough to be looking forward to it.

This one doesn't appear to 'The One', though. So, cold meds and NyQuil until I recover...physically, anyway.