If only duct tape fixed everything

I have a tendency, when something isn't working, to just want to blow it up and start over. If the spreadsheet I'm designing isn't what I want, start from scratch. Don't like the progress I've made in a game...start over. Computer acting up...format the hard drive and rebuild. When I do this, I can usually make it much better than it was by avoiding all the mistakes I made.

Can't be done in life, though. I make a mistake, and I'm stuck with it. Maybe if we had the technology presented in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," where we could just go in and erase memories, I could fix things. So, I'm stuck. I can 'start over' in an existing relationship, but there's always the history there. Hard feelings and memories of my stupidity carry over. Same with my job. Just can't 'start from scratch.'

I could always try to find a new job, or a new relationship, but that's not easy. That only leaves one thing to do...fix it. And I'm just not very good at fixing things. Everything gets patched and covered in duct tape. Unfortunately, they don't make duct tape for fixing the things I screw up. I can only fix it the best I can, and hope it heals. But there are always cracks...

Self-destruction

I'm not even sure where to start tonight. To be honest, I don't even feel like writing, but I feel like I should. 

One of my favorite sayings is that when you feel like you're in a dark period of your life, to remember that it's not a hole that you're in, it's a tunnel. The idea is that you can get past it, that there's light on the other side. It's one of those things that I spout off when I'm talking to someone and trying to raise their spirits. And I genuinely mean it.

For them. For me, it's a damn hole sometimes. It's a trap that I fall in, and have to climb like hell to get out. The saddest part is that I'M the one digging the fucking thing. Nobody does this to me...I do it to me. And although I try not to do it, I just can't seem to stop sometimes.

This morning, I woke up in a fairly positive mood. I've got a lot of things going on that are quite frankly stressing me out, but it's okay...this morning, I could handle it. I felt good about myself. Then, I had a meeting with my boss's boss. I'm not going to go into details (since I don't know who exactly is reading this), but it should have been flattering. He was asking my opinion on something, something that I should have had no opinion on at all. He didn't have to...in fact, he probably shouldn't have. But he was actually interested in what I had to say, and knew I'd be honest with him. So how did I turn this around? I started worrying about the impact of our conversation on me down the road, things I can't control. I kicked myself for what I said, things I can't change. I turned it into a negative.

I am constantly worrying about things I've said or done, and beating myself up over it. Flirting with a girl? Idiot...you know she's not interested. Not asking a girl I'm interested in out? Coward...that's the reason you're alone. Having some unexpected problem pop up? Moron...you should have thought of that before and been ready. Have something not get done? Worthless...anybody could have done that, and done it better.

Now I know that I'm being too hard on myself. I wish I could be that cool guy in the movie, the slacker that's always having fun and doesn't have a care in the world. I don't know how to let things go. It's one of my greatest strengths...it makes me loyal, dependable, someone who IS able to get things done. But it's also one of my biggest weaknesses...nobody can destroy me like I can. And unfortunately, I'm really, really good at it.

Back with a true rant

Missed another day...ah, well. The medication is kicking back in, and I'm starting to feel a bit better about myself. Those aren't necessarily related...I've received some incredibly nice messages the last two days that made me very happy. Let's just agree that I'm doing better...the cause isn't (that) important at the moment.

Anyway...back to writing. I've tried very hard to not rant about this, but really, I've had it. If I offend you, I'm sorry, but if you know me at all, you had to know it was coming sooner or later. Just know that I still love you dearly (if I know you), regardless of your feelings about this. If I don't know you, you probably don't give a shit what I think anyway, so here goes.

I've have absolutely had it with all the self-important assholes and their hanger-ons that have nothing better to do. Yes, I realize that calling someone 'self-important' on my blog is a little ironic, but I try not to cram it down your throat or call a press conference everytime I write. But seriously...I've had it. Just today, I've seen:
1) PETA protesters complaining about a video game character with a raccoon tail. Seriously? This is another organization that may have been valuable at one time, but is now just a fucking joke.
2) These 'Occupy' people. I just don't get it. In my city, they're being 'asked' to move so that the city can light the Christmas tree. All this, and I have no frickin' idea what they're even trying to protest, or what they're hoping to accomplish. Maybe it's all worthwhile, but from what I see, it's a bunch of people asking for something instead of working for it...get a job, and you won't have time to protest.
3) Just because the 'left' doesn't have a monopoly on crazy, the 'Tea-Party.' Listen, I'm libertarian who is slightly more conservative. I HATE big government. But shut the hell up already.
4) Penn State protesters. Damn college students. There's more to life than football, namely, it should be a generally looked down upon to RAPE KIDS AND NOT TELL ANYONE. But while I'm on the subject...
5) The people condemning Joe Paterno. Listen, we don't know what happened, and we don't know who knew what when. We don't know what Paterno was told, how he was told it, or anything else. You can have an opinion, but aren't we generally supposed to withhold our hatred until we know what's going on? I've said before...if you're a pedophile, I have NO problem with you receiving the death penalty. But I want you to be convicted before you fry...then, I'll pull the lever. Promise. If you knowingly protected a pedophile, I have no problem punishing you, too. But I'm not so sure about punishing people based on what I think they did.
6) The people I know who have to make EVERY FUCKING THING a crisis. I'm sorry the search screen on your computer doesn't look the way you want, but the world will not stop because of it...don't come and interrupt what I'm doing. I'm sorry your computer broke...um, we'll fix it, you don't need to dial '911'. These people, it doesn't matter if I'm on the phone, in the bathroom, dead...their problem is the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!! Fuck off.

I'm sure there are people I've missed. I guess my point is, everyone needs to calm the hell down. Maybe have some perspective. I know I lose mine sometimes...I'm not convinced I'm the only one.

Start a new streak...maybe.

So, I missed a day. I didn't forget, I just couldn't think of anything to say, and frankly, didn't much feel like it.

I've been on anti-depressants for about 6 months now. I wish I had gone on them sooner...I might still be married. Regardless, my prescription ran out last week, and I haven't refilled them. Thought maybe I could handle it. Ummm...not so much. The boy's been here since Thursday, though, so it's been okay. But....I think I'll go ahead and refill them.

The stranger in the mirror

I added a thought yesterday after I had already posted, and I've been wrapping my head around it. It's not really some great epiphany...I think it's something I knew, just maybe not put all the pieces together and said it out loud before.

I've said before that I have low self-esteem. I'm not sure that's really true. Back in 'the day', I KNOW it wasn't true. I would argue whether or not I was 'cocky' (I most certainly wasn't), but I did possess a certain confidence. I think I've always known my strengths and weaknesses, and I've always tried to 'under-sell and over-deliver', but deep down, I thought I was a pretty good guy. Not great, but pretty good...attractive enough that someone could be seen in public with me, smart enough to be able to win an occasional trivia contest, athletic enough to play a game of weekend basketball, decent enough that I could meet your folks, a good enough sense of humor that you wouldn't be bored on a car trip with me. Not spectacular, but I had a niche, and it worked. I was confident in who I was. I still wasn't the most outgoing of people, and I wasn't one to just walk up to someone and start a conversation, but I knew what worked, and I knew how to get along.

Funny thing is, I still believe all those things about myself (well, maybe except for the athletic part.) So why the crisis of confidence, then? It's not that I no longer believe those things, it's that I don't believe other people see those things in me anymore. Again, it's the wrong way to see things, I know. Especially when I can be so stubborn about things...I don't really give a shit if you don't like my taste in music, or movies, or books, or the fact that I play video games...I like them, and that's that, I don't care what you think about it. But I want you to like ME. I want society to find in me all those things that I see in me.

That's a losing battle if there ever was one. Society doesn't really care about me. That was fine up until a few years ago, because I had SOMEONE who did. Someone who saw all those things in me, and did like me. I had someone who, when I thought about what THEY thought of me, I knew they saw all the good in me that I thought was there. Obviously, I lost that. I lost the reflection of myself that let me know that everything was okay with me. I'm trying to find it in myself, and I find it difficult to see sometimes.

I see it occasionally, though, in my son. He's still at that age where he thinks I can fix anything, that I'm someone he can look up to. But he's getting closer to that point where he'll realize that I'm not perfect, that I make mistakes. That maybe I'm not the role model he wants for his life. We all go through that phase. Some of us, like me, come back around and realize that, failings or not, our father or mother IS someone who we can still pattern ourselves after. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. Regardless, I have to be able to look in the mirror and see what I know is there...and some days, I don't. The person I see is sometimes a stranger that looks vaguely familiar, like a much older, sadder version of someone I used to know. And I miss that guy.

Enjoy the burrito

I don't have anything nearly as interesting as the spark of yesterday's conversation today. Just some odds and ends to get off my chest.

First, I'm disappointed that my local school levy didn't pass. In most relatively middle to upper-middle class communities, the people who live there got to where they are because they value education. In the past, most of the school levies in this district have passed. I realize times are tough for a lot of people, and that may have had an impact. Unfortunately, this area has seen a lot of rapid growth, and, although, I haven't checked the stats, my guess is that the average price of homes in the area has dropped considerably. More people are moving here that maybe don't have the same philosophy. I could be dead wrong...I don't know. I do know that I moved back to this area not only because it's where I grew up, but it's where I wanted my son to go to school. I moved out of a lower rated district, and into what I thought was a better school district. It may not stay that way, however, and I find that sad.

Related to that, I find it a bit disappointing how much literature I received on the state-wide initiative limiting the power of unions. In fact, I saw local teachers passing out fliers urging people to vote against the initiative, to preserve the rights of union workers....while I think that was an important issue, I think I would have rather have seen them passing out literature concerning the school levy. It seems counter-productive to me to urge voters to protect their rights, including their salaries, while not campaigning just as hard to preserve the jobs and services in their district. Maybe they did...I don't know. I only know what I saw, which was a lot of concern about protecting the unions, and not nearly as much about protecting the school.

Anyway, this news put me in a sour mood. It seemed everywhere I looked today, the news was as bad or worse. I made an effort to avoid it...I can feel myself being pulled into a funk, and don't need one right now. I heard a story that I've heard a version of many times, but it's a trap I still fall into. A guy was talking about how much he liked his lunch, this special burrito. In fact, he liked it so much that he would get a bit sad when he was almost finished, since he wouldn't get another one until the next day. But he was missing the point...he was thinking about it being over, instead of just staying in the moment. Why lessen your enjoyment of the now worrying about the later, or obsessing over the then? "Enjoy the burrito now."

A post-script, something that's been in my head that I need to figure out. I took a look in a mirror earlier, and, for just a split-second, didn't recognize myself. For the briefest time, I saw what others see when they look at me. I think, ultimately, that's the root of my self-esteem issue. It isn't really what I think of me that bothers me...it's what I think YOU think of me, society at large. It shouldn't be that way, really...but I think that's the root of it. It's why I don't like pictures of myself...I'm forced to see me as others do, rather than the image I have of myself. I need to flesh this one out further, but it's been in my head for the last hour or so, and I needed to get it out of there!

Stones in the ocean

So I made a status update this afternoon about my affect on the world, and got a bit of feedback from someone who I think a lot of, Saleem (I know, I don't usually put names here, but he wanted credit, so he got it!) Basically, the argument broke down like this: I think my effect on the world is very small, and he stated that in actually it could be quite large. I think we're both probably right, but coming at it from two very different perspectives (and from two different places.)

First, let me start out by saying that I think he's right...in a way. If I may be so bold as to try and restate what he's saying (or at least how I understand it), he's taking it as though my actions could have a ripple effect. If I could brighten just three people's days today, and they brightened three each themselves tomorrow, and so on, by the end of the week we could touch the whole world. To me, that's a very positive way to look at it, and would make me feel pretty special, if I could buy in to it.

To me, it's just a different viewpoint. Allow me to try and explain it like this...it's the difference between a calm lake and the ocean. If I drop a stone in a calm lake, the ripples, however faint, will eventually reach the shore. I think that's his viewpoint, and it's a positive one. One man can reach the whole world. As my loyal readers know, however, I'm a bit more negative than that. My view is that we don't live on a lake, we live on an ocean. There are constant waves in everyone's lives, such that it would take a monumental stone for anyone to even notice.

Which brings me back to the point of the post, which isn't really about the waves at all, it's more about the stone. See, I wake up in the morning, commute to work, sit at a desk, come home, blab on facebook, write a blog post, and go to bed. That's pretty much my life. I have my son, and he has me. I have some family, and a few friends. But in the grand scheme of things, what I'm doing here isn't all that important. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but right now, it just is. Other than my son, I just don't feel like the world would be missing much without my contributions. This isn't a pity-party, nor do I buy into the "nobody loves me" bullshit. There are certainly people whose lives would be worse off without me in it. But not drastically so, for the most part. My friends would miss me, my family would mourn me, and my son, regardless of how bad I may be fucking him up, would CERTAINLY be worse off. They'd all move on, however. It's the nature of things...things come, and they go. Nothing is forever. And we all adapt when things are gone.

I think this sounded much more negative than I meant it to be, however. The original thought behind the post was that there really shouldn't be much pressure...out of the 7 billion people in the world, there are only a handful that really matter, and even to them, it's a temporary thing. We should live our lives, be happy as much as we can, try not to do any harm, and let the rest of the world do the same. There's no harm in trying to brighten someone's day...just in case he's right. But instead of getting stressed out over things, I should realize that they're nothing...stones in the ocean. I should focus on MY pond, where the ripples CAN meet the shore...it may be temporary, and it may be small, but it's all that really matters.