Idiot

Turning yet another puzzle around in my mind...another one of those things that is probably nothing, but once it gets into my head, it's hard to get out. The question I'm asking myself now is about the kind of image I present. Despite how it may seem, I'm really not that bad a guy most of the time...sure, I talk down about myself, and I'm not my favorite person sometimes, but all in all, I don't horrify myself. I don't really think I deserve to be alone...frankly, I think I'm a lot better than some guys out there. Here's what got me thinking about it.

Yesterday, I made a post of FB that I thought would be funny, something about my attraction to women in glasses and sweatpants (see yesterday's post.) One of my friends asked why I was still single, seeing as how I'm fairly easy to please. I responded that although I'm easy, I'm an idiot. Now, that's true...I am. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be alone, would I? I've done some stupid things, no doubt. But I'm trying to learn, and I'm confident I'll do better with my next chance.

Anyway, another friend liked my comment. I responded that I wasn't sure if she liked it because she thought it was funny, thought I was an idiot, or both. Of course, she said 'both'. While I was glad she found it funny, I had to wonder what I've done to make her think I was an idiot. Her comment provoked two responses I received. One, she was flirting with me (ha, fat chance. HIGHLY doubt that.) Two, someone asked when I dated her and why'd we break up. In fact, I've never dated her, haven't even met her. Just from what I've seen on FB, I think she's awesome...but we've never dated. My initial thought was she was being funny, and I'll admit, I did laugh when I read it.

But what if she wasn't? What basis have I given her to think I was an idiot? It could be that she knows someone I've dated, and is getting the information from there. Or, she could be taking my self-deprecation at face value, and assuming that since I am constantly putting myself down, I must indeed BE the idiot I say I am.  Regardless, it got me thinking more about what I say, and how I say it. I'm not usually very careful...I'll put myself down at the drop of a hat, and I say whatever pops in my head. While that isn't usually a bad thing for me, I should probably take the time to step back and evaluate the message I'm sending...people might just believe me.

Finally, not a depressing post

The last couple of posts have been kind of downers. So let's discuss something a little more fun...things I'm attracted to for no apparent reason.

First off, I have a bit of a thing about hair. I like women with long hair (defined to be at least shoulder length), long enough for me to run my fingers through. For some reason, I like ponytails...maybe because I like necks, and for a woman with long hair, a ponytail is showing off what's usually hidden. I also prefer brunettes to blondes (although, believe me, there isn't anything wrong with blondes, either.)

I like girls who wear glasses, too. One of my prerequisites in a woman is someone who can hold a conversation. I guess the glasses put off an aura of intelligence. Regardless, I find them sexy.

And one that seems, to me, to be the oddest...I dig a woman in sweatpants. I remember summer school gym in ninth grade, as well as the time I spent helping the school's drill team. That was shortly after I started to become sexually active, and with all the hormones and stuff, seeing all those girls in (mostly cutoff) sweatpants killed me. It still does. Something about the casualness about it, and the way they fit, and the ease of getting them off drives me nuts.

Those are the main things. There are a lot of other little things, like I find accents hot, I like latina women, etc., but as far as things that get me going, those do.

Post-vacation blues

Although yesterday wasn't so bad, I stayed pretty busy all day catching up on what I missed while I was on vacation. Today, the 'post-vacation' blues hit hard and heavy. Just an few things that individually aren't that big a deal, but taken together, just brought me down.

I sent a friend request to a co-worker. She didn't accept it. To be fair, we don't work that closely together, and she doesn't know me that well. But I can only think of two reasons that would happen. Either she didn't know it was from me, which means that I didn't make enough of an impact on her that she remembered my name, or she doesn't care for me. She's friends with other co-workers, so I don't think it's an issue of her just keeping business and personal separate. Disappointing, a bit.

The person I talked to yesterday about a new job hasn't called back, and didn't follow up with the e-mail she said she was going to send. That can't possibly be good news.

It's snowing. Reason enough right there...I can't STAND snow. Especially when I just got back from fucking Arizona. Ugh.

I think I need to go shopping. Most of my clothes are old, as I tend to keep things around until I wear them out. Maybe some new threads would help me feel a bit better about myself. Regardless, I need them. Any personal shoppers out there in blog land?

Heart attack

One of the worst parts about my current situation is something I've already discussed, how there really isn't any one for me to call if I need help. I take medicine for muscle spasms...sometimes they get so bad that the entire muscle will lock up. It'll look like I have a baseball growing out of my back. Although it usually occurs in my back, it will happen in other muscles as well.

Tonight, I had one in my chest. My left shoulder is killing me. Every time this happens, the first thought I have is 'pain down my left arm and in my chest, must be a heart attack.' I dismiss the thought fairly quickly...I don't REALLY think it's a heart attack. But I've never had one, so I don't have any idea what it will feel like if I do. I had a vision of me calling an ambulance for help and being taken to the hospital. Then what? Who would call my work to let them know I wouldn't be in? Who would lock up my house? I'd have to call my ex-wife and let her know, since I wouldn't be able to pick up my son, but I'm no longer her responsibility. She has her own life. Would I just get on facebook sometime at the hospital and tell people? Or maybe report it here? To what end?

Maybe it's just the time of year, or maybe my recent vacation has just brought it into more focus. Holidays aren't much fun right now. I'm sure this will change, or I'll at least get used to it. In the meantime, I hope I don't have a heart attack.

All's quiet

I've actually been doing okay today, all things considered. I got a lot done, and kept myself busy for the most part. But now that I'm pretty much finished for the day, the house feels worse than empty. I had my boy for 10 straight days, just me and him. He can sometimes be a pain in the ass, and sometimes I'm almost begging for 5 minutes of quiet. He gives me a reason to be here, though...sometimes I feel he's the only reason. It's certainly not fair of me to put that on him, but if he wasn't here, I'm not sure I would be. If I were, I wouldn't be doing the things I'm doing, such as getting ready for work tomorrow. He needs me to do those things, though, and I do, for him.

Other than how I"m feeling, there is hope on the horizon. I received a call while I was gone about my resume, back in a plant accountant role. Believe me, I'll be on the phone with them by 8:05 tomorrow. Although I think I'm going to pass, I also received a communication from a young lady on eHarmony...first one since I stopped paying. I'd have to sign back up to communicate with her...tempting as that is, I doubt it's worth it. But it was very flattering, and a nice ego-boost that I kinda needed. I also received a couple messages while I was on vacation that were very nice, including one asking me for coffee. While that one isn't of a 'romantic' nature (she's taken), I thought it was very sweet, and I'm very much looking forward to having a cup of java and chatting. Maybe she'll let me in on her boyfriend's secrets...God knows, I could use the tips!

Back to the grind tomorrow...let's all shoot for a good start to the week, k?

Back on the horse

It's been over a week since I last checked in because I was on vacation. I tried to take a vacation from everything...no work, very little facebook, very few e-mails. Tried to leave my problems behind, and just enjoy it. Here's what I learned on vacation.

First, I REALLY miss having family around. Where I'm at now, I don't really have any family, and very few friends who would miss me if I wasn't here. I spent the week with my father, step-mother, my brother and his family. It was nice to know that, if just for a little while, there was someone there who I could lean on a bit.

Second, I didn't find it all that difficult to just shake off my problems and leave them here. Sure, they were waiting for me when I got back, but once removed from my environment, it seemed pretty easy to just leave them behind. Makes me think that there really is a chance I could start over if I so desired.

Third, I'm lonelier here than I thought. I spent most every day with my family, and if I was there today, I'd be spending today with them, too. Like I said, it's just nice to have someone around.

Fourth, I LOVE my boy. This was the first time that he and I took an extended vacation together, and wow...I'm not taking credit for any it. He's just a really, really good kid. He did his best to help me, and we had a lot of fun this week. He's not perfect, but damn, am I lucky.

I had a birthday while I was on vacation. My nieces and nephew made me presents, and my sister-in-law made me cupcakes. It was wonderful. The truth is, though, I don't like my birthday. I've lived 12 years longer than I thought I would, and probably 7 years longer than I should have. Seven years ago, everything was great...I had a good job, a family, and my family was still around. In the last seven years, I've caused me and those around me a lot of pain. I'm closer to 40 now, and I still have no idea where I'm going, or how to get there. I want things to CHANGE, but much like the 'hope and change' of the last election, I'm not exactly sure what that means. I feel like I'm waiting...waiting for everything to fall into place. I know that's not going to happen, but I can't help...hoping.

Four (five) groups of people in your life

Not sure how well I'm going to keep these updated over the next week or so...I'll probably just add posts when I have time.

I read an article about the four types of people in the world, and, as usual, it got me thinking. I added a fifth group, because I felt it was incomplete. Here they are, and my thoughts.

1) The people who like you for the right reasons - these are the people that know you, and still have a reason to like you. The problem with this defining this group is that you have to find a reason in yourself that people would like you. Now, while self-esteem isn't my strongest point, I'm not totally devoid of it, either. I have a lot of good qualities that some people like. I'm certainly not everyone's cup of tea, but I am some peoples. The best group.

2) The people who like you for the wrong reasons - this is a dangerous group for me. I want to be liked...but some people like me for all the wrong reasons. They either don't really know me, or they know me TOO well, and are just using me. For me, unfortunately, this is the larger of the two "like" groups.

3) The people who don't like you for the wrong reasons - I find this group annoying. You don't know me, why don't you like me? Or, you don't like me because of your own problems. The sane thing to do is just to walk away from them, but I find that difficult. I want to turn them around, show them I'm a 'good guy.' This group is a waste of my time, though.

4) The people who don't like you for the right reasons - probably the most important group. This group has a reason not to like me...it's primarily filled with ex-girlfriends, their ex-boyfriends, and other people that I've pissed off. It's a large group, but it's the one that can teach us the most about ourselves. These are the people I've wronged. I've apologized where I could, but some things I can never atone for. I can just try harder next time.

5) The people who don't give a shit about you either way - I added this one. This is the majority of the world. I wish I didn't think like this...we're all in this together and all that. But the truth is, the majority of the people DON'T care about me. Not like they hate me, they're just more interested in themselves. These people, though, have potential. I need to do a better job of making them fit in group 1 when I can, and not group 4. I'm trying.