Counting my blessings and a PSA

So, let's be honest. Today has sucked. Truck's in the shop, and we're already at $2k and they're not done. I'm going to spend more repairing it than what's worth. The kitty's not eating as much today, and to top it off, the plumbing backed up. Just not a fun day.

BUT, I'm trying not to focus on that. Truth is, I'm still fairly fortunate. Yes, the truck needs repaired, and it's going to be expensive as hell. I'm lucky to have a pretty good job, and smart enough to prepare for shit like this, so it's unlikely that I'm going to have to skip any meals in order to get it fixed. In reality, it's an inconvenience for me, where it might be a crisis for someone else.

There are a lot of things that, when taken from that view, I should be more positive about. While it is true that my family has all left me here while they moved to some place warm, at least I have a family. No, I don't get to see them daily, but I can call my dad whenever I'd like. He may not answer, but the option is there.

Yes, it's pretty much just me and my sick cat here. That's been my choice, however. Truthfully, it's not as though I don't have other options. I've chosen not to accept them, for one reason or another. Same with the dating...it isn't as though I never go out, and I do have options. I know this. I'm not hideously deformed, nor am I an insufferable asshole. One of those I count as lucky, the other is just a result of a decent upbringing and a decision on my part.

Anyway...counting the blessings instead of bemoaning how horrible the day was. Or trying to, at least.

This should probably be a post to itself, but since I brought up 'insufferable assholes', this came to mind. It's a discussion I've had many times, and even though I'm getting old, I STILL don't get it. I can't keep track of how many women I know (or knew) that stay with some piece of shit husband/boyfriend to their own detriment. I just don't get it. I've heard all the reasons...'he doesn't *usually* act that way with me', 'I thought I could change him', 'but he really loves me', 'he's just going through a rough time.' I guess I shouldn't complain...my move used to be 'see that piece of shit your with? I'm better, come along with me.' It worked more often than you'd think...it's how I got my (ex-)wife.

In her situation, she was living with a guy who didn't have a job. She paid most of the bills, drove him around since he didn't have a car, and took his shit for a long time. She's a smart woman...I have no idea what she saw in him. To hear her tell it, his situation was supposed to be temporary. But the dude had already been married and left his wife with the kids. Why on God's earth did she think he would change? Luckily for both of us, I came along, she saw the error of her ways, and we had 15 years together, at least most of which were pretty damn good.

I have other friends...one got knocked up by an alcoholic piece of crap, only for him to leave her with three young kids. One married a guy who was known for fighting, and was surprised when he hit her. One is with a guy who had already been divorced twice before with two other kids, and she was shocked when he left her when she got pregnant.

Ladies, there ARE decent guys out there. They may not be the best looking, or have the most money, or be a champion in the bedroom. But they won't hit you, they won't leave you with a pile of bills, and they won't drop you and their kids as soon as they decide they want a different piece of ass. No guy is perfect (and neither is any woman), but if you guys would stop dating the assholes, we might have fewer of them around. I realize that 'dangerous is sexy' and all that, but is that worth ruining your lives over? One of those mysteries I'll probably never understand, I guess.

'Mental-me' vs. 'Real-me'

Let's see if I can write something that makes a little bit of sense. First, the kitty update: she actually ate something on her own last night! She ate some grilled chicken that I had made myself for dinner. Again, I know that she's still on borrowed time, but every day she eats is another day I get to keep her around. One day at a time.

So, this concept of 'mental-me' versus 'real-me.' I think it's common to everyone, and this probably isn't even an original idea, but it struck me yesterday. If I can fully accept it, maybe I can be a little more forgiving of myself and others.

What I'm thinking is that everyone has this mental image of themselves (mental-me) that is the person we want to be. Mental-me wants to be healthier and happier, and has a plan to get there.

Then there's the person that you actually are (real-me). Real-me has routines, bad habits, and needs that mental-me doesn't.

I think we often talk about things in the future, or things we want to do, from the perspective of 'mental-me.' When I go to the grocery store, 'mental-me' wants to go on a diet, so I buy carrots and salads with the full intention of actually losing some weight. Then, 'real-me' takes over in the moment and eats potato chips for dinner.

'Mental-me' wants to be in a healthy relationship. 'Real-me' will accept being used or being unhappy if it brings needed companionship, or avoids confrontation. I remember talking about getting a divorce a full year before I actually did. 'Mental-me' knew it wasn't a good situation, and wanted to fix it. 'Real-me' was lazy, and valued the immediate needs of having someone around over long-term happiness. Eventually, these two 'me's' came together, but it took a while.

I think we often say or do things based on our best intentions. Some of us have the 'mental' and the 'real' who get along pretty well. Others, it's more of a struggle. I guess what I'm saying is when I say I intend on going to that party, calling you back, losing weight, getting healthy (mentally and physically), 'mental-me' fully intends to do so. As long as 'real-me' doesn't get in the way.

And maybe I'm not being lied to sometimes...maybe someone else is fighting that same struggle. Or, I could be being lied to. I said yesterday that honesty is found not in words or the short term, but rather in the long term. If what I'm told isn't followed up by actions, then it doesn't really matter if it's failed intentions or a lie...it's all the same results. When it comes down to it, results are all that matter. That takes getting the 'mental-me' and 'real-me' on the same page, working towards the same goal...that's who I want to be, and the best people to surround yourself with.

Mentally spanking myself

Blah. That about sums up today. It hasn't stopped raining all day (at least it's not snow...see, I can be positive!) The cat still won't eat. And I'm feeling guilty for more things that I shouldn't.

Of course, that's not news. I've said before, no one knows how to beat me up like I do. And sometimes, I certainly deserve it. It's a part of being responsible for your actions, I think. I don't get to escape from punishment just because no one else punishes me...I'll do my best to punish myself. It sounds stupid when I spell it out like that, but that's pretty much what's happening.

Take the cat, for example. It's not my fault the cat has liver disease. It's not my fault that won't eat. I'm doing my best to take care of her, and extend her life as long as I can with the hope for some sort of miracle turn-around. But I feel horribly guilty about it. I took this cat from a friend who cared a lot for her...really, she is one awesome cat. I feel more than anything like I let him down by taking her and having her in this position just a few months later. I try to tell myself that isn't the case, but as I've discussed, the rational part of my brain isn't all that great at influencing the feeling part. There are other examples, but it's that kind of thinking that brings me down.

There's this concept that I'm turning around in my head, and haven't figured out how to verbalize yet. It's the concept of the 'real-me' versus the 'mental-me.' I'm going to try and flesh it out...maybe tomorrow.

False hope

Another Sunday. Still trying my best to take care of the cat...she still hasn't decided to eat on her own. If she doesn't change her mind, there's really not much I can do. I feel horrible about it. It may totally be a coincidence that she got sick the day I left for vacation. I have no idea. What I do know is that I left, she stopped eating, and now, unless she starts again, I'm going to have to make a decision about whether or not to end her suffering. I know a 'real' man would probably be able to do that, for the good of cat and all that, but it's a decision I will struggle with mightily.

That didn't help me get much sleep last night. I also spent a large portion of time just trying to figure out where in the hell I'm going. I come off as much more pessimistic as I really am...that's not to say that I'm not, just that I'm much more hopeful than I let on. I try not to be. If expectations are the main cause of disappointment in my life, false hope is a close second. I've faced it all the time because I let my imagination get away from me. Someone calls about a possible job, and I'm dreaming of the new place before I've even had an interview...only for them to not even call and schedule one. I meet someone new, and I'm thinking of what our relationship is going to be like...and she's not even interested. My kitty takes a bite of food on her own, and I'm thinking of how I'm going to discuss the close call down the road...only for her to refuse to take a second bite.

These aren't really 'expectations', in that I have no real feeling that they're going to happen. I am realistic. But they can be hopes that I let run away with me. And it's hard not to feel that little twinge of excitement when thinking about them. Another problem solved. Then, the 'rational' part takes over, and I feel the disappointment just a strongly as if it was an expectation that didn't come to pass. Not a damn thing has changed in the five minutes between those thoughts...just my head screwing with me. It can be frustrating when you are your own worst enemy.

Lost and found

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing sometimes. I feel like I'm on the path of figuring it out, then something happens and I'm lost again. Or vice-versa.

I haven't had much luck with pets. I have a cat that I've grown pretty fond of...she's very affectionate, and when I talk to her I don't feel crazy for talking to myself out loud. She may not understand a word I'm saying, but she 'listens' all the same. My cat has been sick for a week or so. I figured that she was mad at me for going on vacation...she gets mad at me sometimes (just like most other women in my life.) Today, I took her to the vet and found out it's much more serious than that. Fact is, odds are very slim that she'll be here this time next week. I made the comment yesterday that maybe it's a sign that I should be alone...that I deserve it. I don't *really* think that's true, but sometimes it sure feels like it.

Then I had coffee with a friend, and remembered how nice it is to just sit and talk with someone that talks back. To just have someone listen and respond. Of course, I did most of the talking, but she was polite enough to appear interested. The point is, I miss that. Maybe I DO deserve to be alone...but I sure don't WANT to be alone. I've said before here in my ramblings that I believe I'm perfect for someone. 'Perfect' in this sense means something special (see the earlier post), and I may never find her. But sometimes all it takes is a little thing to re-kindle my faith that she exists...and that's enough.

Exposing myself (not like that...)

My purpose in writing this blog is, basically, to get the things in my head down on 'paper.' It's a self-help mechanism, a sounding board, a way to express myself. I've found in therapeutic in as much as it helps me put into words what I'm thinking or feeling. I've put it out here in public for a couple reasons...one, if I feel that there are readers (even if there aren't), I feel a bit of a commitment to do it. Two, I think I have to be honest. If I'm not, there's always the possibility that I'll get called on my bullshit. Third, maybe it'll help someone else. Maybe by verbalizing what I'm feeling, I can help them with whatever issue they have. I'm not talented enough to write poetry, or sing songs, or paint...but I have always had a least some ability to express myself.

All that being said, I still feel that bit of exposure when I've found someone has read it that I didn't expect. I can see the statistics...I know that there are SOME people out there that read this shit. I tend to ignore that as much as possible, though. My goal has never been to write FOR you, it's to write TO me and share it with you. In "real" life, I'm the type of person that is typically very quiet, until you get to know me. Put me in a room full of strangers, and you won't know I'm there. In a room full of my friends, or at least people I'm familiar with, I'll be in the front of the room holding court.

I guess what I'm saying is that I treat this space as a room full of friends. I share much more than I would if I was out in public...which, of course, is why I have such problems meeting new people. I can be fairly personable, I have a pretty good (if sometimes dirty) sense of humor, and I can speak intelligently on a lot of different topics (or at least fake it.) So why try so hard to fade into the background? If I could treat the 'real' world like I do the 'unseen' world here, I think I would be a lot better off. Maybe if I could just get everyone to turn around for a couple minutes? No? Okay...guess I'll just have to work on it.

Idiot

Turning yet another puzzle around in my mind...another one of those things that is probably nothing, but once it gets into my head, it's hard to get out. The question I'm asking myself now is about the kind of image I present. Despite how it may seem, I'm really not that bad a guy most of the time...sure, I talk down about myself, and I'm not my favorite person sometimes, but all in all, I don't horrify myself. I don't really think I deserve to be alone...frankly, I think I'm a lot better than some guys out there. Here's what got me thinking about it.

Yesterday, I made a post of FB that I thought would be funny, something about my attraction to women in glasses and sweatpants (see yesterday's post.) One of my friends asked why I was still single, seeing as how I'm fairly easy to please. I responded that although I'm easy, I'm an idiot. Now, that's true...I am. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be alone, would I? I've done some stupid things, no doubt. But I'm trying to learn, and I'm confident I'll do better with my next chance.

Anyway, another friend liked my comment. I responded that I wasn't sure if she liked it because she thought it was funny, thought I was an idiot, or both. Of course, she said 'both'. While I was glad she found it funny, I had to wonder what I've done to make her think I was an idiot. Her comment provoked two responses I received. One, she was flirting with me (ha, fat chance. HIGHLY doubt that.) Two, someone asked when I dated her and why'd we break up. In fact, I've never dated her, haven't even met her. Just from what I've seen on FB, I think she's awesome...but we've never dated. My initial thought was she was being funny, and I'll admit, I did laugh when I read it.

But what if she wasn't? What basis have I given her to think I was an idiot? It could be that she knows someone I've dated, and is getting the information from there. Or, she could be taking my self-deprecation at face value, and assuming that since I am constantly putting myself down, I must indeed BE the idiot I say I am.  Regardless, it got me thinking more about what I say, and how I say it. I'm not usually very careful...I'll put myself down at the drop of a hat, and I say whatever pops in my head. While that isn't usually a bad thing for me, I should probably take the time to step back and evaluate the message I'm sending...people might just believe me.