There are times that I read through these posts and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Then there are others that I actually kind of like, in a not-at-all-too-proud-of-myself way. I'd still like to do more with blog than sit around and bitch about my feelings, though. I'm not exactly sure what that will be...pimp my favorite music, movies, book reviews...I have no idea. Maybe I'll just be so happy that I can shut the hell up, or I'll come on here and give advice about the secrets to my success (as soon as I have some.)
In the meantime, here I am. I was thinking about 'romance' earlier. I am, flat out, not romantic, at least in a classical sense. I'm nobody's knight in shining armor. I don't typically buy flowers (what's the point? Yes, they're pretty...they also die shortly after I give them. What kind of symbol of my love is THAT?), or chocolates. I don't constantly call or text, nor do I need my partner next to me constantly. I've never announced to everyone that I was "in a relationship with" someone on FB (although, to be honest, I'm kinda looking forward to that someday.) I'm not likely to sweep anyone off their feet like Fabio in a romance novel. I know that some girls like this stuff...they live for it. Those girls aren't the ones that are interested in me for very long.
Here's the thing, though. I do believe in love, and I do believe in romance. I just think about it a little differently. I always have a song that's 'ours.' When I'm with someone, I'm WITH them. When I kiss, I kiss...I use my hands, not in a 'groping' way, but instead I want to run them through her hair, or touch her face. Same with making love. I rarely 'have sex.' I have to be honest...if my goal is just to climax, I can do it quicker and easier by myself. If I'm going to go through the time and effort of being with someone else, it's for the entire experience. I want to touch her, taste her, smell her, talk to her...I want to totally connect with her.
Take a step back...getting lost in the 'sex' part. Some guys excel at that 'classical romance' stuff. I've never been good at it. And I've never needed someone to sweep ME off my feet. I find it much more 'romantic' to be with someone who shows me how much she cares for me by listening to me, being more than just physically present when I'm with her, caring about me. Gifts are nice...a connection, one that's mental, spiritual and physical, is much better.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
The upside of being realistic
I always claim to be a 'realist.' "I'm not pessimistic, I'm just realistic" about whatever it is. Taking a step back and looking at it, that's bullshit. I'm a pessimist. That's not healthy, though, and I want to change. I'll never be an optimist...it's just not in my nature. But I can certainly do a better job of being realistic, and that includes having a bit more optimism (even if it's difficult to do.)
What I mean by this is that part of being realistic is seeing that there is a reason for optimism sometimes. Back to yesterday's example, I claimed that there was a 10% chance that I would get the job I wanted, and for that reason, I should temper my enthusiasm. Not get too excited about it, so I wouldn't be so crushed if it didn't come to be. Again, sounds great in theory.
But real life isn't a game. There is no "10% chance" of it happening...there's 'some relatively small' chance that I'll get what I want. In real life, I use this argument to find all the reasons why I'm not going to get it....they'll never create the position, I'm not right for it, they'd never pick me. Here's the truth, though...maybe they will create it. And maybe they will think I'm right for it. There's some reason to be optimistic, right?
I realize that I'm now arguing both sides. Like any belief, if you're looking for evidence to support one side or the other, you can usually find it. I can find evidence that the position won't be created, or evidence that I wouldn't be picked, if I looked hard enough. And vice versa.
So what the hell AM I saying? I don't know. I guess that I need to try a little harder to be optimistic, so I don't crush whatever opportunities might exist before I even get to them. All while tempering my excitement so that I'm not overly hurt if it doesn't come to be. Mostly, though, I need to learn patience. All things will be revealed in time. It's hard to always live in the moment, but today presents us with enough problems that we don't usually need to go looking for tomorrow's early.
What I mean by this is that part of being realistic is seeing that there is a reason for optimism sometimes. Back to yesterday's example, I claimed that there was a 10% chance that I would get the job I wanted, and for that reason, I should temper my enthusiasm. Not get too excited about it, so I wouldn't be so crushed if it didn't come to be. Again, sounds great in theory.
But real life isn't a game. There is no "10% chance" of it happening...there's 'some relatively small' chance that I'll get what I want. In real life, I use this argument to find all the reasons why I'm not going to get it....they'll never create the position, I'm not right for it, they'd never pick me. Here's the truth, though...maybe they will create it. And maybe they will think I'm right for it. There's some reason to be optimistic, right?
I realize that I'm now arguing both sides. Like any belief, if you're looking for evidence to support one side or the other, you can usually find it. I can find evidence that the position won't be created, or evidence that I wouldn't be picked, if I looked hard enough. And vice versa.
So what the hell AM I saying? I don't know. I guess that I need to try a little harder to be optimistic, so I don't crush whatever opportunities might exist before I even get to them. All while tempering my excitement so that I'm not overly hurt if it doesn't come to be. Mostly, though, I need to learn patience. All things will be revealed in time. It's hard to always live in the moment, but today presents us with enough problems that we don't usually need to go looking for tomorrow's early.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Protecting myself...from myself
Today I've been thinking a lot about a previous post that I made about 'false hope.' It's the phenomena I described where I get myself all excited about something, then immediately convince myself that it's never going to happen, and feel almost the same disappointment that I would if it didn't. I know it's partly a defense mechanism. Although the 'false hope' hurts, in some ways it takes the edge of the disappointment that I'd feel if I really got my hopes up, and it doesn't come through.
The point of the post was that I should avoid this 'false hope'. What I may not have been as clear about is the need for hope in general. Rather than getting overly excited about something, then crashing down, I need to put it in a realistic perspective. Let's see if I can come up with an example.
Let's say there's a rumor of a new job opening that I think I would be a perfect fit for. Rather than getting too excited about it up front, I need to put it in proper perspective, take a step back and really look at it. I may determine that there's a 60% chance that it's just that...a rumor. No new position exists. Now, while that would suck, I could deal with it...it wasn't that I didn't get it, it wasn't there to begin with. This is where the 'false hope' needs to be avoided. NOTHING HAS CHANGED...there is certainly no reason to be depressed about it. I may wish the position would have been created, and maybe it will in the future. I might be disappointed, but I shouldn't be crushed.
I might put a 10% chance of the position being created, and me getting the job. That's the proper perspective to get excited about. There's a relatively small chance, but a chance. The other 30% is the chance that the position is created, but for whatever reason, I don't get the job. That would be pretty devastating.
At that point, I could step back and look at it in total. 90% chance I don't get it, 30% I don't get it in a way that's going to be hard to take, 10% chance I get it. That's certainly enough to be hopeful about, without mentally crushing myself about it.
Of course, all of that is easier said than done. It's a defense mechanism to try and protect me from my own defense mechanism. Feelings aren't rational, and most of the time when I'm hopeful, it's based not on a rational expectation, but instead on a feeling. All I can really do is try my best to think my way through it, and not allow myself to be disappointed over something that hasn't even happened yet...there's enough real disappointment in the world without creating my own.
The point of the post was that I should avoid this 'false hope'. What I may not have been as clear about is the need for hope in general. Rather than getting overly excited about something, then crashing down, I need to put it in a realistic perspective. Let's see if I can come up with an example.
Let's say there's a rumor of a new job opening that I think I would be a perfect fit for. Rather than getting too excited about it up front, I need to put it in proper perspective, take a step back and really look at it. I may determine that there's a 60% chance that it's just that...a rumor. No new position exists. Now, while that would suck, I could deal with it...it wasn't that I didn't get it, it wasn't there to begin with. This is where the 'false hope' needs to be avoided. NOTHING HAS CHANGED...there is certainly no reason to be depressed about it. I may wish the position would have been created, and maybe it will in the future. I might be disappointed, but I shouldn't be crushed.
I might put a 10% chance of the position being created, and me getting the job. That's the proper perspective to get excited about. There's a relatively small chance, but a chance. The other 30% is the chance that the position is created, but for whatever reason, I don't get the job. That would be pretty devastating.
At that point, I could step back and look at it in total. 90% chance I don't get it, 30% I don't get it in a way that's going to be hard to take, 10% chance I get it. That's certainly enough to be hopeful about, without mentally crushing myself about it.
Of course, all of that is easier said than done. It's a defense mechanism to try and protect me from my own defense mechanism. Feelings aren't rational, and most of the time when I'm hopeful, it's based not on a rational expectation, but instead on a feeling. All I can really do is try my best to think my way through it, and not allow myself to be disappointed over something that hasn't even happened yet...there's enough real disappointment in the world without creating my own.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Taking chances
Sunday. Always tough after a long weekend with my boy. But I managed to get through it, and it actually turned out to be a pretty damn fine day.
In life, we are often stuck with decisions where we don't know where to go, or what to do. Actually, that seems to be most of the decisions we face. It seems we can decide to do nothing, and face the specter of what might have been, or take a chance. Unfortunately, it's rarely the case where that 'chance' doesn't uproot our lives. For example, I might get an offer for another job (please??) At that point, I have to make a decision: do I give up my current job, which isn't making me happy, but is at least 'comfortable', to take a chance on the new one? Or do I stay with the familiar, and give up the opportunity of what *could* be what I've always hoped for?
It's never an easy decision. Sometimes, it's worked out for me, and sometimes it hasn't. All I can ever do is follow my heart, and my gut, and make the best decision I can make. When it's left me in a worse situation (damn you, Panasonic!), I had to kind of start over. But at the time, I made the best decision I could make. Looking back, although I regret the results, I don't regret the decision. Yes, I would have been better off staying where I was, but I learned a lot, and it's given me an opportunity to grow. And frankly, although I was definitely worse off when I moved, I certainly wasn't happy where I was, or I wouldn't have been looking in the first place.
We make the best decisions we can make, and we deal with the consequences of them. Sometimes, it's a step up, and other times, a step back. But, what's worse? Staying where we are, and wondering what might have been, or taking a chance on getting whatever it is we're looking for? Although I've been accused of being rather pessimistic, I'm optimistic enough to know that sometimes, I just have to take that chance. You never know...I may find exactly what I'm looking for. I certainly can't find it by NOT taking that chance.
In life, we are often stuck with decisions where we don't know where to go, or what to do. Actually, that seems to be most of the decisions we face. It seems we can decide to do nothing, and face the specter of what might have been, or take a chance. Unfortunately, it's rarely the case where that 'chance' doesn't uproot our lives. For example, I might get an offer for another job (please??) At that point, I have to make a decision: do I give up my current job, which isn't making me happy, but is at least 'comfortable', to take a chance on the new one? Or do I stay with the familiar, and give up the opportunity of what *could* be what I've always hoped for?
It's never an easy decision. Sometimes, it's worked out for me, and sometimes it hasn't. All I can ever do is follow my heart, and my gut, and make the best decision I can make. When it's left me in a worse situation (damn you, Panasonic!), I had to kind of start over. But at the time, I made the best decision I could make. Looking back, although I regret the results, I don't regret the decision. Yes, I would have been better off staying where I was, but I learned a lot, and it's given me an opportunity to grow. And frankly, although I was definitely worse off when I moved, I certainly wasn't happy where I was, or I wouldn't have been looking in the first place.
We make the best decisions we can make, and we deal with the consequences of them. Sometimes, it's a step up, and other times, a step back. But, what's worse? Staying where we are, and wondering what might have been, or taking a chance on getting whatever it is we're looking for? Although I've been accused of being rather pessimistic, I'm optimistic enough to know that sometimes, I just have to take that chance. You never know...I may find exactly what I'm looking for. I certainly can't find it by NOT taking that chance.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Knots in my spaghetti
Reading over my posts from the last few days, there was quite a bit of rambling...lots of different thoughts thrown together. I had a theme in mind when I started, and just kind of got lost during the execution.
This happens to me a lot...trying to follow my thoughts when I'm just thinking at random is like trying to untangle a bowl of spaghetti sometimes. I'm actually okay with that. When I'm thinking of lots of things, I'm not focused on any one thing.
Where I get into trouble is when I keep coming back to the same thing, over and over. That's when things become dicey for me. I start picking at it, tearing it apart from all angles...over-analyzing. That kind of thing works great for puzzles and math problems. Eventually, I'll find the solution. But real life doesn't always have a solution, and language is often inadequate in describing real life. Real life can't always be described and analyzed in ways that make sense. So I end up analyzing the language.
One example. Someone tells you they 'love you'. What exactly does that mean? We have a notion of what 'love' means. But ultimately, it becomes a question of context and intent. It means something different when my son tells me he loves me, as opposed to my father, or someone I've helped with a problem. And even coming from the same person, it can mean different things at different times. Spending time over-analyzing something like that can drive you crazy. And even if you can get a handle on the words themselves, there's always the context and intent to tear apart.
I try to avoid these philosophical discussions with myself. Much easier to accept situations for what they are, and not spend a lot of time "thinking" about them. I TRY not to over-analyze...I really do. Not always successfully, though. Sometimes my spaghetti gets tied in a knot.
This happens to me a lot...trying to follow my thoughts when I'm just thinking at random is like trying to untangle a bowl of spaghetti sometimes. I'm actually okay with that. When I'm thinking of lots of things, I'm not focused on any one thing.
Where I get into trouble is when I keep coming back to the same thing, over and over. That's when things become dicey for me. I start picking at it, tearing it apart from all angles...over-analyzing. That kind of thing works great for puzzles and math problems. Eventually, I'll find the solution. But real life doesn't always have a solution, and language is often inadequate in describing real life. Real life can't always be described and analyzed in ways that make sense. So I end up analyzing the language.
One example. Someone tells you they 'love you'. What exactly does that mean? We have a notion of what 'love' means. But ultimately, it becomes a question of context and intent. It means something different when my son tells me he loves me, as opposed to my father, or someone I've helped with a problem. And even coming from the same person, it can mean different things at different times. Spending time over-analyzing something like that can drive you crazy. And even if you can get a handle on the words themselves, there's always the context and intent to tear apart.
I try to avoid these philosophical discussions with myself. Much easier to accept situations for what they are, and not spend a lot of time "thinking" about them. I TRY not to over-analyze...I really do. Not always successfully, though. Sometimes my spaghetti gets tied in a knot.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Friday, Friday
Friday, the end of a long week. My truck went into the shop for some fairly expensive repairs, I spent the week wondering if I was going to lose my cat, and it wasn't exactly a party at work. As evidenced by my last couple posts, I have been in a pretty down mood all week.
But...Friday. I got my truck back, and everything appears to be fixed. The cat is still very thin, and isn't eating as well as I would like, but she's still here. My boy is with me until Sunday, and that always makes me feel better. All in all, not a bad end to the week.
I was reminded today that I need to be careful with what I say...I tend to throw out vague statements that mean something pretty specific to me, but could be taken for something I didn't necessarily intend. I try not to make vague personal attacks in public, though...if something is on my mind enough to do that, then it almost by definition has to be important enough for me to approach the person directly. I obviously don't mind sharing (parts) of my life with the 'public', but I try to keep the arguments and attacks 'in-house', so to speak. What may seem like an attack on someone is more than likely just something dumb I thought up and felt like sharing. Today it was about people lying to themselves...something that, as realistic as I am, I've been known to do from time to time. It kind of goes hand-in-hand with the time-wasting post from yesterday. I should neither waste my time, nor lie to myself about what I'm doing or where I'm heading. If I can't be honest with myself, how can I be honest with anyone else?
It got me thinking, though, that there's the argument to be made that if you feel it's about you, even if it isn't, then maybe it in some way was. I think this is why music can have such an effect on us. Obviously, the songwriter wasn't thinking about ME when he wrote the song...they were trying to get a message out, whether about their life or just something they wanted to say. But some songs speak to me, intended or not. I've read stories and such that are much the same...no, they weren't necessarily talking about me, but maybe they could have been. Just like the best movies, books, and songs, life can often hides messages around for us that can speak if we're listening.
To paraphrase something Carly Simon once said, you might think that post/entry/song/poem/story/movie, etc. is about you...and if you do, you might just be right (whether anyone actually intended it to be or not.)
But...Friday. I got my truck back, and everything appears to be fixed. The cat is still very thin, and isn't eating as well as I would like, but she's still here. My boy is with me until Sunday, and that always makes me feel better. All in all, not a bad end to the week.
I was reminded today that I need to be careful with what I say...I tend to throw out vague statements that mean something pretty specific to me, but could be taken for something I didn't necessarily intend. I try not to make vague personal attacks in public, though...if something is on my mind enough to do that, then it almost by definition has to be important enough for me to approach the person directly. I obviously don't mind sharing (parts) of my life with the 'public', but I try to keep the arguments and attacks 'in-house', so to speak. What may seem like an attack on someone is more than likely just something dumb I thought up and felt like sharing. Today it was about people lying to themselves...something that, as realistic as I am, I've been known to do from time to time. It kind of goes hand-in-hand with the time-wasting post from yesterday. I should neither waste my time, nor lie to myself about what I'm doing or where I'm heading. If I can't be honest with myself, how can I be honest with anyone else?
It got me thinking, though, that there's the argument to be made that if you feel it's about you, even if it isn't, then maybe it in some way was. I think this is why music can have such an effect on us. Obviously, the songwriter wasn't thinking about ME when he wrote the song...they were trying to get a message out, whether about their life or just something they wanted to say. But some songs speak to me, intended or not. I've read stories and such that are much the same...no, they weren't necessarily talking about me, but maybe they could have been. Just like the best movies, books, and songs, life can often hides messages around for us that can speak if we're listening.
To paraphrase something Carly Simon once said, you might think that post/entry/song/poem/story/movie, etc. is about you...and if you do, you might just be right (whether anyone actually intended it to be or not.)
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Don't waste your time
Made a post on FB today about wasting time. Time is the one limited resource we have, and one that we take for granted far too often. But what is a waste of time? I think it would be hard to classify things you enjoy doing as a waste of time, or things that we do in pursuit of a goal. It's difficult to judge those things up front, though. Here's two examples from my life.
I was 'dating' a girl who I knew from the beginning wasn't interested in a relationship. She made it pretty clear that she was interested in me because she thought I was good in bed (and, ahem...I am.) I, on the other hand, wanted a relationship. I pursued this for about six months, off and on. We'd talk on the phone, text, and I'd go visit whenever she asked me. This was clearly a waste of time for me...I wasn't pursuing my goal, and I allowed this relationship to interfere with others that were not only likely to be healthier for me, but could have been working toward the goal I was pursuing. I stubbornly kept at it, though, even when it became obvious it wasn't going anywhere.
On the other hand, as I mentioned yesterday, I went after a girl who I both knew wasn't interested in me, AND had a live-in boyfriend. That should have had red flags all over it...I should never have gone after her. In 99 cases out of 100, that's a waste of time. In this case, however, I thought early on that I had a shot, and I was right. Fifteen years and one beautiful kid. Obviously not a waste of time.
What's the big difference between the two? Results. I was unrealistic about the results in the first case...I ignored the signs completely. In the second case, I was realistic about them, but thought I could achieve what I was looking for. The key for me, I guess, is that I need to be more mindful of the likely results of the situations I put myself in, and when I see that I'm not likely to be pursuing my goals, cut my losses. As far as I know, I only have one chance at this life...it's too short to spend chasing mirages.
I was 'dating' a girl who I knew from the beginning wasn't interested in a relationship. She made it pretty clear that she was interested in me because she thought I was good in bed (and, ahem...I am.) I, on the other hand, wanted a relationship. I pursued this for about six months, off and on. We'd talk on the phone, text, and I'd go visit whenever she asked me. This was clearly a waste of time for me...I wasn't pursuing my goal, and I allowed this relationship to interfere with others that were not only likely to be healthier for me, but could have been working toward the goal I was pursuing. I stubbornly kept at it, though, even when it became obvious it wasn't going anywhere.
On the other hand, as I mentioned yesterday, I went after a girl who I both knew wasn't interested in me, AND had a live-in boyfriend. That should have had red flags all over it...I should never have gone after her. In 99 cases out of 100, that's a waste of time. In this case, however, I thought early on that I had a shot, and I was right. Fifteen years and one beautiful kid. Obviously not a waste of time.
What's the big difference between the two? Results. I was unrealistic about the results in the first case...I ignored the signs completely. In the second case, I was realistic about them, but thought I could achieve what I was looking for. The key for me, I guess, is that I need to be more mindful of the likely results of the situations I put myself in, and when I see that I'm not likely to be pursuing my goals, cut my losses. As far as I know, I only have one chance at this life...it's too short to spend chasing mirages.
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