Second chances?

Life does not provide us with a "reset" button, nor are we able to call for a do-over as though we were kids on the playground. As best I can tell, we get one chance. Now, occasionally we are afforded a second opportunity, but that's not really the same as getting a chance to do it over.

I've had many relationships where I've dated someone, we broke up, and then got back together (hell, it was almost a monthly occurence with my HS girlfriend.) If it was my fault that we broke up, she's giving me a second opportunity to get it right, but we're both coming into it with hurt feelings and a history. It won't be the same...I can try harder to not make the same mistakes, but the relationship has changed.

Same with everything else. I didn't get a do-over with my marriage, but if I'm ever in that situation again, hopefully I'll avoid the mistakes I made and make the best of the next opportunity. Every day is another opportunity to teach my son something...some days, he learns something valuable, and other days he learns something I might rather he didn't. I will (hopefully) get an opportunity tomorrow to try again, but it's not a do-over...what's done is done.

This line of thinking isn't one that really makes things easier on me. I think it's generally a positive outlook to think that's there's always tomorrow, that there will be another chance. It's a bit more negative to think I've got one shot at something...screw this up, and it's done. I can try again, but the circumstances will be different, so it's not quite the same. Hopefully I'm smarter about it, but I've only got one chance to get it right the first time.

A good Sunday?!?

Sunday again. As opposed to most Sundays, I'm actually doing pretty well this week. Had a great time with the boy this weekend, and I've kept myself busy today. Did some cooking...started with hard-boiled eggs. I know, nothing that special, but damn do I love them. My goals this week are to spend a little more time in my kitchen, and start eating breakfast. I love breakfast foods, but I am slow to wake. Getting up and making something isn't on the top of my list...I usually just make some coffee and go. But a friend sent me an article about how much healthier I could be if I started eating breakfast, so tomorrow starts a two-week challenge I promised. Eat something for breakfast every day, and see if I feel better. I'll give it shot.

Other than that, not much going on. I'm trying to figure out what a message I received meant...God, I think too much, I know. But we've discussed this...the only thing worse than just straight out making a fool of myself is mis-reading something and THEN making a fool of myself. It's always like surgery for me...a delicate operation, where one false move and I've completely screwed things up. Tiptoe through the minefield for now...then I'll probably stumble around like a drunken fool.

Not looking forward to work this week, but I do get to see the boy tomorrow night for trick or treating, in addition to my normal Tuesday-Thursday-Friday. I've seen him every day for over a week now. Doesn't leave me much time for anything else, but I get to see my kid...can't complain about that! Next weekend's my short weekend, though. I hate to say it, but I'm already looking a little forward to sleeping in next Sunday.

Hope everyone is having/had a great weekend. I've been surprised by how many people seem to be reading this crap...thanks for listening!

Ah, me...

Not sure I've got much to say today. I've had a headache most of the day, and I'm feeling kind of bummed out. Don't really have a reason why...it just happens, I suppose.

I went to a party last night. Lots of kids, lots of old friends, lots of people I didn't know. It was a very diverse party, including a gay couple and a lesbian couple. Now, as I've said before, I couldn't care less. I'm jealous that they're in love, but as far as who people find love in, it's not my business nor is it my concern. I'm happy for them. What surprised me a bit was not my reaction to them, but the initial reaction I received. See, I'm a Tennessee Volunteer fan, and I was wearing my UT hat and jacket. When the lesbian couple (I hate calling them that, but I don't use names here...) came in, my hat was the first thing they noticed. I think the initial reaction was "redneck", and they seemed kind of wary around me. I made an effort to overcome it, but it initially caught me off guard...not sure I've ever received that kind of reaction before. It was certainly no big deal...not like I'm a social butterfly in those situations anyway. Just an observation. For the record, both couples were hilarious, and had me rolling. Good folks.

I was thinking last night when I was trying to go to sleep...there seems to be this struggle in my head. I've said many times that I lack self-esteem, and that's true in regards to me trying to approach someone. I don't feel confident that I'd be worth their effort. On the other hand, I seem to have enough self-esteem that I think I should be good enough for SOMEONE, otherwise I don't think I would be so frustrated about it. So I guess that's the problem...I'm waiting for someone to find value enough in me to want to get to know me, but I don't feel enough value in myself to just show them. Or at least that's what I figured out while half asleep.

What a piece of work.

Perspective

perspective -

1. a way of regarding situations, facts, etc., and judging their relative importance

2. the proper or accurate point of view or the ability to see it; objectivity
Collins English Dictionary, Unabridged

I mentioned perspective a couple days ago, something about the need for me to keep the proper perspective. It's something I struggle with constantly. I have a hard time determining what's important and what isn't, and I attach significance to things that don't deserve it.

Because I often put too much value on things, I get frustrated when the truth is the item probably doesn't deserve my attention at all. For example, something will happen at work that will upset me, even though it really doesn't have anything to do with me...I'm getting upset over the principle of the thing, I suppose. That's kind of ridiculous...it's the same thing I was blasting people for yesterday. If it doesn't affect me, why do I care? Those things are items I need to just let go. I'm trying.

I'm also bad at under-valuing important things...for instance, I under-valued my marriage. I should have worked harder at fixing it. Instead, I let things spiral out of control. By the time I stepped out of the tornado, it was too late. It's a mistake I won't make again. There are things I should never let go of...again, I'm trying.

The other problem I have is figuring out the meaning of things...was it important, or did it not matter at all? I struggle with this one all the time. I am HORRIBLE at picking up hints or signals...I tend to undervalue them (I think this is helped by the low self-esteem I have.) Did that touch mean she's interested? Could be, but my mind automatically jumps to 'why in the hell would she be interested in YOU???' So, I miss what could have been a signal, because I can't seem to value them properly.

If there was just a way for me to instantly know what was important, and what isn't, I think I'd be a lot happier. Of course, you could argue that nothing is important...we're all going to die anyway. I'm not THAT much of a pessimist. But the ability to accurately identify what is important, and then focus on them, is definitely a skill I need to work on.

Various thoughts

Ever have so much to say that you have difficulty saying anything? That's kind of where I'm at right now. So, this might be a bit jumbled...

First, I get SO frustrated by people that can't seem to help themselves with ANYTHING. There are people that I work with, in top-level positions, that would have an assistant wipe their ass if they could. And it filters down. Now, I'm not the most do-it-yourself person on the planet, but if I think I am able to do something myself, I at least try. Some of these people don't even bother with that...if it's not handed to them on a silver platter, forget it. They'll find someone to do it for them (usually me.)

Second, I am probably way out of touch, and shouldn't even broach this subject, but I don't understand the Occupiers, the Tea-baggers, or any of the other dozen or so groups. Listen, I'm upset too. I think the people in charge suck. I think companies are greedy. But I don't understand these people who are just camping out in cities...do you not have jobs? And why should I feel for you, when I'm paying for you to be there, paying for the police to keep things in line, and I'll be paying for the cleanup after you're done accomplishing nothing? Voice your displeasure, sure. But be productive. And target the right things...every good movement ends up drawing in the dipshits who just want to be part of 'something'. Maybe I should feel that strongly about something...but to tell the truth, I'm too busy trying to keep my own life together. I suppose it must be nice to not have to worry about that yourselves.

Third, speaking of dipshits, why am I such a dipshit myself sometimes? I'm honestly not sure what the hell has happened to me...I've never really been forgetful, but I've been forgetting everything lately. I've said things that I thought would be sweet or charming, and instead I just seem to be pissing everyone off. I'm not sure if my karma is just in a slump these last two weeks or what, but I think I'd be better off just keeping things simple and my mouth shut.

Of course, I know that I won't.

Lowered Expectations?

I heard once that a lot of unhappiness in our lives is caused not by the realities of our situations, but instead by things not reaching our expectations. I find this to be true with myself, and I've tried to adjust...unsuccessfully.

First things first...when I say 'adjust', I most certainly DO NOT mean that I need to lower my expectations. I mean, they need to be 'modified' to fit reality. It is completely unrealistic to expect the people I work with to do things 'right' in the way I think they should be done. This doesn't mean that I should expect less...just that I shouldn't get nearly as frustrated when I don't get it. I can explain what I find lacking and try to change it, but everyone has different ideals about how things should go. And I need to realize that it's not MY company...I just work there. If I were in charge, I could have a bigger hand in how things work. Jumping up on my soapbox and getting frustrated when they aren't listening isn't going to get it done.

Same goes for other aspects of my life. I can't expect Selma Hayek to walk into my life...nor would I want her to, because I imagine the reality is not at all the same as the fantasy. I have been very fortunate with relationships...although none, obviously, have lasted as long as I expected them to, I have dated some very beautiful, amazing women. None of them just fell in my lap, though, and I can't expect to have them start doing so now. Everyone is looking for something. Some people have found it, some people haven't, and for most I ain't got it. Or, they haven't seen it in me yet...that's my fault for not showing it. But getting frustrated about it isn't going to do any good.

I've said this last week or so has been shit. That's still true...bought a replacement lightbulb for the main one in the house that burnt out last week, rigged up a makeshift (read - dangerous) ladder, climbed up there and found out it was too big to fit with the globe over top it. Sigh. That's what I get for trying to be energy conscious. Just another little thing to add to the list of little things. My expectations were that it would fit. The reality was that it didn't. Annoying, yes. But in the grand scheme of things, a little bump in the road. The best friend to realistic expectations has to be perspective. Two skills that I need to work on. And I am.

Where am I going?

One of the first things you need to do when you start a project is to figure out what it is you're trying to accomplish. The end result may differ, either because you change your mind or don't quite get there, but the first key part is to decide what it is that you want. I haven't the slightest idea what I want most of the time.

I have a vague idea, I suppose. I want my son to grow up healthy and happy, knowing the difference between right and wrong and trying to be a productive citizen of the world. I'd like to have a job that I enjoy, that allows me to pay my bills, and that keeps me engaged. I'd like to find a girl whose company I enjoy, who enjoys my company, and that I can spend my time with (if she's a latino, long-haired brunette with glasses who likes to wear sweat pants and looks good in them, so much the better...but I'm pretty flexible on all of those. Personality trumps everything.)

But that's about it. I don't have a specific plan, and I don't feel like I'm actively working towards any of that, except maybe the boy. Of course, that's the most important one, but it would be nice to achieve all of them. I hate my job, and I send out resumes, but I'm not REALLY working toward finding another one. I'm completely hesitant about the girl thing...we've discussed it many times, but I haven't decided I'm really worth anyone's effort yet. Until I can get over that hump, I'm just treading water.

Given that, can there really be any surprise that I haven't reached my goals yet? I haven't decided on exactly what those goals even should be, let alone figured out how to get there. Maybe THAT'S what I need to consider first.