Okay, 2011...time for you to get your ass out of here.
It's been an absolutely crazy year. It was my first full year of living alone, and proving to myself that I could actually survive by myself. My divorce was finalized this year, I had more than a couple relationships start and end, and I took seriously the task of becoming a better person. I started the year full of doubt and in a not-so-good place. To be honest, I spent the majority of the year there, too. I tried very hard to become comfortable with myself...still working on it.
I have to say, though, the year seems to be ending much better than it started. I got to take a trip to Arizona with the boy to see my family, and had a great time. I met someone, and although it's been challenging at times, I feel really positive about it. More so than I've felt in a while. Work has been a pain, but not worse than usual, and it appears to be slowing down so that we can breathe.
I'm optimistic about 2012. It will have it's challenges, and, unfortunately, I'll create some of them. But it's starting out on the right foot. I hope to continue working towards my goals, and most of all, just....be happy.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Pride
"Pride goeth before the fall" is how I believe the saying goes. I think it comes from the bible, and basically says that being too proud and overconfident will lead you to make mistakes and cause your downfall. It's something I've always tried to avoid...maybe too much. But not always successfully.
It's a contradiction, I suppose. I can be incredibly insecure sometimes, as I've discussed. I do have pride, though. I know that I have value, and that I'm worth something. I do certain things well, and on balance, I think I try to be a pretty good guy. I handle my responsibilities, and I try very hard to say what I mean, and mean what I say. Although I've certainly allowed myself to be treated in ways I didn't really think I deserved, it hasn't happened often, and I've left those situations where I felt that way.
I've also gone too far, and allowed my pride to cause my fall. One of the stupidest things I ever did was break up with a girl in high school because I was too proud to admit that I screwed up. I ended a relationship of almost a year, and I've always wondered what would have happened if I hadn't just come clean. Maybe we would have broke up anyway, or maybe I would have ruined her life for a few more years. Seeing where she's at now, I'd have to say that she's done well for herself without me. Could be that my idiocy was fated...but I'll always wonder.
Now, I try to balance the two. Not be so proud that I let little things get under my skin. To understand the situation as best I can, and forgive those things that are merely irritants, or temporary. To take a long term view...can I handle minor problems in order to achieve major goals? Handle my pride, but not give in to my feelings about myself and allow someone to walk on me?
I think I'm doing a much better job at both lately. Right now, honestly, I feel fairly content. I feel good about myself, but not so much so that I can't admit when I screw up, or can't forgive a minor blow to my pride. For the most part, I'm in a pretty good place mentally. It's kind of a weird feeling for me...but I like it.
It's a contradiction, I suppose. I can be incredibly insecure sometimes, as I've discussed. I do have pride, though. I know that I have value, and that I'm worth something. I do certain things well, and on balance, I think I try to be a pretty good guy. I handle my responsibilities, and I try very hard to say what I mean, and mean what I say. Although I've certainly allowed myself to be treated in ways I didn't really think I deserved, it hasn't happened often, and I've left those situations where I felt that way.
I've also gone too far, and allowed my pride to cause my fall. One of the stupidest things I ever did was break up with a girl in high school because I was too proud to admit that I screwed up. I ended a relationship of almost a year, and I've always wondered what would have happened if I hadn't just come clean. Maybe we would have broke up anyway, or maybe I would have ruined her life for a few more years. Seeing where she's at now, I'd have to say that she's done well for herself without me. Could be that my idiocy was fated...but I'll always wonder.
Now, I try to balance the two. Not be so proud that I let little things get under my skin. To understand the situation as best I can, and forgive those things that are merely irritants, or temporary. To take a long term view...can I handle minor problems in order to achieve major goals? Handle my pride, but not give in to my feelings about myself and allow someone to walk on me?
I think I'm doing a much better job at both lately. Right now, honestly, I feel fairly content. I feel good about myself, but not so much so that I can't admit when I screw up, or can't forgive a minor blow to my pride. For the most part, I'm in a pretty good place mentally. It's kind of a weird feeling for me...but I like it.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Trust
Been kind of hit or miss on updating the blog lately. It's not really that I don't have much to say as much as it is that I can't seem to keep all my thoughts straight. Not unusual for that to happen to me, but I can usually figure it out before long.
So, I have trust issues. Seems just about everyone does, to one degree or another. Somebody screws you over, and if you let it, it can be something that stays with you forever. It's something that I try to put a lid on, to bottle up and contain, because it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with anyone if you don't trust them. If I can't trust my friend, I won't be able to rely on them to be...well, a friend.
I'm not real sure where mine come from. Maybe it's the fact that my mother left when I was young. Although I didn't think it affected me much, it's not impossible that it caused some issues to develop. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been in relationships where I've felt used for one reason or another, and now I'm just gun-shy. It's certainly true that I've felt that. Whether it be for money, security, sex...there have been occasions where I didn't make someone treat me a little better. And I'm sure there have people that feel that way about me. You get treated how you'll accept being treated, though, so I deserve it if I allow someone to walk on me. If you feel that way about me, all I can do is apologize.
Obviously, everyone deals with it in different ways. I've been trying to work on mine...to allow myself to trust people. It's a difficult thing to do sometimes...when you have trust issues, everything looks shady, and everyone is out to break your heart. Trusting someone means giving them the power to do that. It's hard not to throw up the shields every time it looks like someone has hurting you on their mind. It's hard to let go, and trust that you're not going to hit the ground, or worse, fall forever. I don't think it's possible to find true happiness without finding true trust, though, in someone, even if it's yourself. Eventually, you have to lower your guard, and have faith.
So, I have trust issues. Seems just about everyone does, to one degree or another. Somebody screws you over, and if you let it, it can be something that stays with you forever. It's something that I try to put a lid on, to bottle up and contain, because it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with anyone if you don't trust them. If I can't trust my friend, I won't be able to rely on them to be...well, a friend.
I'm not real sure where mine come from. Maybe it's the fact that my mother left when I was young. Although I didn't think it affected me much, it's not impossible that it caused some issues to develop. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been in relationships where I've felt used for one reason or another, and now I'm just gun-shy. It's certainly true that I've felt that. Whether it be for money, security, sex...there have been occasions where I didn't make someone treat me a little better. And I'm sure there have people that feel that way about me. You get treated how you'll accept being treated, though, so I deserve it if I allow someone to walk on me. If you feel that way about me, all I can do is apologize.
Obviously, everyone deals with it in different ways. I've been trying to work on mine...to allow myself to trust people. It's a difficult thing to do sometimes...when you have trust issues, everything looks shady, and everyone is out to break your heart. Trusting someone means giving them the power to do that. It's hard not to throw up the shields every time it looks like someone has hurting you on their mind. It's hard to let go, and trust that you're not going to hit the ground, or worse, fall forever. I don't think it's possible to find true happiness without finding true trust, though, in someone, even if it's yourself. Eventually, you have to lower your guard, and have faith.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Catching up, part 2
So, what happens when you're on the verge of possibly having everything you're looking for? If you're me, you probably do something stupid to screw it up. But I'm trying really hard not to do that...not to self-destruct like I have so many times before, to allow myself to roll with it and be HAPPY.
So, I'll just say it...I met someone. Someone who is intelligent, funny, beautiful, and has a good heart. Is she the 'one'? God only knows. She could just as easily walk out of my life as quickly as she walked in. The timing of our meeting absolutely sucks. Both just getting out of long term relationships, it's the holidays, and we both have 'drama' to deal with. I'm trying really hard to be pragmatic about everything...but it's hard not to be excited about it.
This post isn't really about her, though (she'll get her own post down the road, maybe.) It's about how I feel. I am really excited about it. I'm trying really hard not to do everything I've done in the past that hasn't worked. It's difficult not to automatically fall back on my defense mechanisms...mainly, throw up the wall so I can't get hurt. There are reasons to be wary. Like I said, both getting out of relationships, challenges on both sides to deal with, and my insecurities are alive and well, and kicking my ass sometimes.
Oh, insecurity. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not a good lover. She could do so much better. I'm boring, a dork, and I've destroyed every relationship I've ever been in. I think all those things are true...sometimes. But the truth is, none of that matters. I mean it does, but dwelling on it is one of the surest ways to failure. As I've said before, people that are close to you are often a mirror of what you're projecting. I don't want to project those things. It's a hard thing to change, but I'm trying.
I'm also trying to keep the wall down, to actually do and say what's in my heart instead of what's in my head. It's a really, really tough thing for me to do. It makes me feel vulnerable, and since my emotional makeup is sometimes that of a 12 year old girl, makes me feel weak. My head tells me to shut the hell up, to protect myself, to not allow people to see who I really am. I can do it here, because there aren't that many people listening, and those that are are doing so because they're interested. And by now, they know who I am. It's also rather impersonal...I'm just talking to myself, out loud in print. The worst that can happen is that I get a nasty comment or such that makes me feel stupid.
It's the never-ending war between my head and my heart (and occasionally my penis speaks up...I ignore him, though...he's a moron most of the time.) As opposed to all those failures in the past, I'm trying not to allow my head to get the last word in. Letting my heart rule leaves me open, and vulnerable, and a little scared. And there's the chance that it could end up being one of the worst things I've ever done. BUT, it could also end up being one of the best. I've tried it so often the other way, and that's got me here. Terrifying as it might be, maybe it's time to try something else. Who knows...it might just be the key to finding what I've been looking for.
So, I'll just say it...I met someone. Someone who is intelligent, funny, beautiful, and has a good heart. Is she the 'one'? God only knows. She could just as easily walk out of my life as quickly as she walked in. The timing of our meeting absolutely sucks. Both just getting out of long term relationships, it's the holidays, and we both have 'drama' to deal with. I'm trying really hard to be pragmatic about everything...but it's hard not to be excited about it.
This post isn't really about her, though (she'll get her own post down the road, maybe.) It's about how I feel. I am really excited about it. I'm trying really hard not to do everything I've done in the past that hasn't worked. It's difficult not to automatically fall back on my defense mechanisms...mainly, throw up the wall so I can't get hurt. There are reasons to be wary. Like I said, both getting out of relationships, challenges on both sides to deal with, and my insecurities are alive and well, and kicking my ass sometimes.
Oh, insecurity. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not a good lover. She could do so much better. I'm boring, a dork, and I've destroyed every relationship I've ever been in. I think all those things are true...sometimes. But the truth is, none of that matters. I mean it does, but dwelling on it is one of the surest ways to failure. As I've said before, people that are close to you are often a mirror of what you're projecting. I don't want to project those things. It's a hard thing to change, but I'm trying.
I'm also trying to keep the wall down, to actually do and say what's in my heart instead of what's in my head. It's a really, really tough thing for me to do. It makes me feel vulnerable, and since my emotional makeup is sometimes that of a 12 year old girl, makes me feel weak. My head tells me to shut the hell up, to protect myself, to not allow people to see who I really am. I can do it here, because there aren't that many people listening, and those that are are doing so because they're interested. And by now, they know who I am. It's also rather impersonal...I'm just talking to myself, out loud in print. The worst that can happen is that I get a nasty comment or such that makes me feel stupid.
It's the never-ending war between my head and my heart (and occasionally my penis speaks up...I ignore him, though...he's a moron most of the time.) As opposed to all those failures in the past, I'm trying not to allow my head to get the last word in. Letting my heart rule leaves me open, and vulnerable, and a little scared. And there's the chance that it could end up being one of the worst things I've ever done. BUT, it could also end up being one of the best. I've tried it so often the other way, and that's got me here. Terrifying as it might be, maybe it's time to try something else. Who knows...it might just be the key to finding what I've been looking for.
Catching up, part 1
Hmmm...it's been almost a week, and my last post was about as depressing a post as I've put up. Sorry about that. It hasn't been the easiest of times, lately....not easy, but they have been fairly happy. It's a contradiction, I know.
It's always sad when things end, or when the form of something ends. I still have what I consider a pretty good relationship with my ex-wife...she's still one of my best friends in the world. But I was sad when our marriage ended. Although the relationship didn't completely end, the form of it did, and that was hard to take.
I had another of those 'changes' over the last couple weeks, and it hurt. I have said before...I don't think I'm insane for trying the same thing over and over, I'm just optimistic that I'll eventually figure it out, and it will work. There does come a point, however, when you have to realize that no matter how many times you've tried, it just isn't going to get there. Maybe it's the situation, maybe it's the timing, maybe there's too much history. Regardless, it's always difficult to let go. It's difficult not to say "let's try this one more time." I cling to the past...way too much, usually. I made the decision to let go. Wasn't an easy one to make, and I may regret it, who knows? But I felt it was the right one at this time.
But where one door closes, others open. There are things that enter your life, be it a person, a thing, a pet, whatever, that changes it, maybe forever. Reminds you of the good things in your life, and why it's worth it to be here. That deserves it's own post, though...more to come later.
It's always sad when things end, or when the form of something ends. I still have what I consider a pretty good relationship with my ex-wife...she's still one of my best friends in the world. But I was sad when our marriage ended. Although the relationship didn't completely end, the form of it did, and that was hard to take.
I had another of those 'changes' over the last couple weeks, and it hurt. I have said before...I don't think I'm insane for trying the same thing over and over, I'm just optimistic that I'll eventually figure it out, and it will work. There does come a point, however, when you have to realize that no matter how many times you've tried, it just isn't going to get there. Maybe it's the situation, maybe it's the timing, maybe there's too much history. Regardless, it's always difficult to let go. It's difficult not to say "let's try this one more time." I cling to the past...way too much, usually. I made the decision to let go. Wasn't an easy one to make, and I may regret it, who knows? But I felt it was the right one at this time.
But where one door closes, others open. There are things that enter your life, be it a person, a thing, a pet, whatever, that changes it, maybe forever. Reminds you of the good things in your life, and why it's worth it to be here. That deserves it's own post, though...more to come later.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Dead end
Shitty day. There's no question but that I'm an idiot. I can't help but seem to self-destruct.
And the worse thing is, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I try really, really hard to do what I think is best, but it always seems to end up hurting like hell in the end. I've tried segregating myself, and telling myself that I'm okay...that I'll be okay. I've tried letting down my guard a little bit, and I tell myself THAT will be okay. It's never seems to be okay.
So, I'm not yet good at being by myself, and I'm not good around other people (and I don't seem to be good for them, either.) That doesn't really leave many choices...learn to be, or just not BE. I'm trying to learn...but days like today remind me that I have a long, long way to go. I hope to learn before it's too late.
And the worse thing is, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I try really, really hard to do what I think is best, but it always seems to end up hurting like hell in the end. I've tried segregating myself, and telling myself that I'm okay...that I'll be okay. I've tried letting down my guard a little bit, and I tell myself THAT will be okay. It's never seems to be okay.
So, I'm not yet good at being by myself, and I'm not good around other people (and I don't seem to be good for them, either.) That doesn't really leave many choices...learn to be, or just not BE. I'm trying to learn...but days like today remind me that I have a long, long way to go. I hope to learn before it's too late.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Where I show I'm still a caveman
For all my book learnin' and "modern thinking," I'm still terribly old-fashioned when it comes to certain aspects of relationships. I fully believe that both men and women have roles in the relationship. Now, before the hate mail comes, allow me to explain a bit.
I fully believe that a man should help take care of the house. It's part of his living space too. I changed diapers, always did my own laundry, did dishes, and vacuumed. I'll admit that I didn't do much of the cooking, but my ex was a huge foodie, and enjoyed cooking. I left a lot of that up to her...but I was expected to take care of myself if she wasn't there or was too busy. She also did the majority of the grocery shopping, because if I went, I got pretty much what I wanted (and didn't use coupons.) That left us with a lot of food that she didn't want, and me eating more at the 'unhealthy' end of the spectrum. Occasionally, she'd give me a list of stuff to get, and I'd go.
When it comes to 'taking care of business', though, that's the man's job. Every relationship is different, obviously, but I always felt it was the man's job to provide for the bills. My ex had bills that she paid for herself, like her credit cards, but I paid all the utilities, the house payment, and most of the joint expenses. It's my job to pick up the tab when we go out to eat, to buy the movie tickets, etc. When we go somewhere, I'm the one that's most likely to drive. It's not that I won't ride (gives me time to play on my phone!), but it's my JOB to drive. It's my responsibility to take care of my 'family', and that means getting them to wherever we're going safely.
I've always understood the dream of being a kept man. Sure, it would be great if I was taken care of by some rich woman so I could stay at home and goof off all day. But my pride wouldn't allow it...I'd have to get a job and contribute, even if I wasn't the primary wage earner. I get really upset when I see so many women nowadays taking care of their men...not to get back on my 'douchebag' rant, but good Lord, man, have some fucking pride!
Maybe this makes me a neanderthal, and out of touch. I don't believe that women are subservient to men, not in the least. I am perfectly aware that most women today are more than capable of taking care of themselves, and believe me, I expect her to. But it's also MY job to take care of her. I could be wrong, but deep down, I think most women still feel that way, too. The idea is to take care of each other in a working partnership for the mutual beneficence of both parties. If you're not providing for and taking care of each other, then really, what's the use of being in a partnership at all?
I fully believe that a man should help take care of the house. It's part of his living space too. I changed diapers, always did my own laundry, did dishes, and vacuumed. I'll admit that I didn't do much of the cooking, but my ex was a huge foodie, and enjoyed cooking. I left a lot of that up to her...but I was expected to take care of myself if she wasn't there or was too busy. She also did the majority of the grocery shopping, because if I went, I got pretty much what I wanted (and didn't use coupons.) That left us with a lot of food that she didn't want, and me eating more at the 'unhealthy' end of the spectrum. Occasionally, she'd give me a list of stuff to get, and I'd go.
When it comes to 'taking care of business', though, that's the man's job. Every relationship is different, obviously, but I always felt it was the man's job to provide for the bills. My ex had bills that she paid for herself, like her credit cards, but I paid all the utilities, the house payment, and most of the joint expenses. It's my job to pick up the tab when we go out to eat, to buy the movie tickets, etc. When we go somewhere, I'm the one that's most likely to drive. It's not that I won't ride (gives me time to play on my phone!), but it's my JOB to drive. It's my responsibility to take care of my 'family', and that means getting them to wherever we're going safely.
I've always understood the dream of being a kept man. Sure, it would be great if I was taken care of by some rich woman so I could stay at home and goof off all day. But my pride wouldn't allow it...I'd have to get a job and contribute, even if I wasn't the primary wage earner. I get really upset when I see so many women nowadays taking care of their men...not to get back on my 'douchebag' rant, but good Lord, man, have some fucking pride!
Maybe this makes me a neanderthal, and out of touch. I don't believe that women are subservient to men, not in the least. I am perfectly aware that most women today are more than capable of taking care of themselves, and believe me, I expect her to. But it's also MY job to take care of her. I could be wrong, but deep down, I think most women still feel that way, too. The idea is to take care of each other in a working partnership for the mutual beneficence of both parties. If you're not providing for and taking care of each other, then really, what's the use of being in a partnership at all?
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