Reunion

I started writing this post shortly after I went to my twenty year reunion, but never finished it. I've got a couple like that...ideas and thoughts that I've begun, but haven't fleshed out enough to finish posting. I'm going to try and do so. Anyway, here's my thoughts on my reunion.

I recently went to my twenty year high school reunion. I was scared to death to go, and really wasn't sure if I would until I turned on the road to go to the place it was at. And had there been anywhere to turn around, I STILL might not have ended up there. But once I made the turn, I was pretty much stuck.

Let me jump to the end a bit...I was really glad I went. Although it turned out a bit like I was afraid of (more of that in a moment), I did get to see and talk to a lot of people whom I missed, even if I didn't know I did until I saw them. I also met some new people, had some conversations, and generally enjoyed myself.

So why was I scared? I never really considered myself part of the 'in' crowd...or the 'out' crowd, for that matter. I was fairly well known in school, and I knew a lot of people, but there weren't that many that I was 'close' to. I had friends, got invited to parties, and don't believe I ever missed a dance because I didn't have a date, but still...I wasn't part of any of the 'cliques.' My fear was that I would show up, not be recognized by many people, or worse, be recognized and ignored. That I would be like I was in school...people would say hello, then move on.

And that happened, to a large degree. Most of the 'cool' kids hung out together. There were lots of hugs and pictures, stories told of the good ol' days, and catching up done on everybody's life now. I was mostly on the sidelines, watching the people go by, occasionally shaking a hand or getting a hug, but mostly just watching.

That was okay, though...a lot better than I thought it was going to be. And while the party was going on inside and on the terrace, I was down by the parking lot hanging out, talking with people who I hadn't seen in years (or had just met.) It was a great time.

I felt a bit like an outsider, but I was ultimately fine with it. I did what you do at reunions...I caught up with a few people, hung out, saw how some of my old crushes turned out (very well, for the record), and actually had a really good time. I'll probably debate going to the next one just like I did this one...but I don't think I'll try to talk myself out of it quite as much. We've turned out well, BHS class of '92. Thanks for the memories.

Decisions

Feeling a little in 'flux' today. Dealing with my insecurities, and doing my best to keep a level head. I'm not typically one to make snap decisions...I like to think things out and make sure I'm making the best moves for me. I have been accused of over-thinking things, and while I'm certain that's true, it doesn't mean that it's always a bad move.

It's a double-edged sword, of course. I can certainly over-think myself into a corner...paralysis by analysis I've heard it called. I'm certain that this trait has caused me to miss some opportunities that maybe I would have taken, and who knows how that could have turned out? Maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing to myself.

On the other hand, by not making snap decisions and trying to think things out, I can't very well shift the blame, either. I'm responsible for my actions because I thought about them before I made them. My life, where it's been and where it's headed, is mine. Although the decisions I've made haven't always worked out the way I've wanted them to, that doesn't mean I made the wrong one...shit happens. But I made the best one I could at the time with the information I had.

A bad outcome doesn't make a decision bad or good...only making a poorly informed decision makes it a bad one. I stand by my decisions, both bad and good...and I'll do my best to keep making the best ones I can.

Feeling old

Three months, huh? Long time to go without talking to myself. To be fair, though, I talk to myself all the time. I just haven't taken the time to write it all down.

I'm feeling very old today. It hasn't been a very last couple of days...woke up with an abscessed tooth on Saturday which I got pulled, found out yesterday that my back is in slightly worse shape than I thought it was, and I'm generally just dissatisfied with what I'm doing.

I complain a lot on facebook about people that tick me off, and after thinking it through a bit, it basically comes down to two things: people acting like children, and people being stupid. I can't stand either one of those things...it drives me nuts.

I don't really have a problem with children acting like children, nor do I have a problem with those that are "young at heart." I have a problem with adults that don't handle their responsibilities, that throw temper tantrums, that expect others to 'fix' everything for them. My job is to fix things, and if it's legitimately broken, then so be it. But it's not my job to fix every little thing that you don't like, or messes that you've created for yourself. I'm sorry that you tried to take a shortcut and screwed things up, I really am. And I'll do what I can...when I can. But take responsibility for yourself and your job.

As for stupid people, well, there's only so much that can be said. Stupid can't always be fixed. I try very hard to say what I mean, and I do my best to explain things as well as I can. But hell, man...think sometimes! Most problems have pretty logical solutions...most of the time, what bugs me most isn't someone not knowing something, it's them either being lazy or selfish. Too lazy to solve the problem yourself, or too selfish of your own time and expecting someone else to spend theirs fixing your problem.

Anyway...not my best post. I'll try to do better...there are many things that I still need to figure out, and I still find writing it down one of the best ways to go about it.

What I was going to be when I grew up

At some point, this has become a monthly thing instead of a daily thing. Not sure if that's good or bad...some days I feel like I should be writing, but I'm not sure what to say anymore. Amazing, I know, seeing as how wordy I can be sometimes.

I've been thinking a lot about my job lately. Got a new boss, I've been in my position for a while now, and we're coming up on our last big project (although it always seems there's another "last big project" around the corner.) It's not a bad job...I get decent pay, and it's not a horrible company. But I not all that 'fulfilled', if you know what I mean. I could be doing more. Story of my life, though...I've become a bit of an underachiever.

When I was young, I was pretty smart. It was offered to my parents for me to skip second grade. I didn't, but joined the gifted program. I took my first SAT test in seventh grade, and scored in the 70th percentile...not bad for someone who hadn't even finished junior high. Back then, I wanted to be an astronomer. I loved the stars...still do, but I'm not nearly as enthralled with how they work.

Once I gave up the stars, I wanted to be a chemist. I still love the idea of how things fit together, but I gave up on that dream fairly early, too.

I also thought about becoming a writer...although, truth is, other than this drivel I don't have much to say.

I then was split. I had always been good at math, and I was one of those freaks that loved school. So I decided that I would like to be a math teacher. I kept this dream, except for a short time when I decided to be a pastor. I like talking about religion, and public speaking has never bothered me. I decided that my biggest problem there would be my conviction...I have certain beliefs that I hold, but do I hold them strongly enough to tell other people that they should believe it too? I decided I didn't. I wonder how different my life would have been had I followed that path, though...COULD I have followed that path?

Math teacher it was, then. Due to some problems getting signed up for classes in college, though, I ended up taking an accounting class. It still dealt with numbers, and I was good at it. After seeing how some other people struggled, and how easy I found it, I decided to switch majors and become an accountant. I had designs at that time of teaching accounting...I had always wanted to teach at either a high school or college, and thought that maybe I'd do as one of my professors had done: go out, work some, and then come back and teach.

Around then, I got married and decided I needed to start working. I graduated, and got a job right off that bat as an Assistant Controller...not a bad job for someone right out of college. Through some poor decisions after that, I ended up at my current company. I know work in the IT department as an analyst...which is what most of my users need.

I enjoyed accounting. But it's tough to find accounting jobs, especially now that I'm not actually working in accounting anymore. I don't like what I'm doing, but I can't leave...I have too many responsibilities. I can look for other positions, but I will never be able to live the dream I once had. I had dreams of teaching all year, then having a summer off to spend with my kids. Of being able to drive my kids home after school, of dances, of sports, of being there. And now, I'm not there. I'm not teaching, I don't get summers off, I can't drive my kid to school or take him home because he doesn't live with me. I ended up falling short of my dream, and at almost 40 years old, I know that dream is gone. I'm too old and too far gone to ask 'what I'm going to be when I grow up'...I unfortunately know the answer now.

Been a long time...

Thought I forgot about this, did you? No, I haven't. I've said a lot already in this blog, and it hasn't always worked to my benefit. I've angered some people, upset some people, had things "read into" what I was saying rather than just heard what I was trying to get across, and the like. But, I've also received some very nice comments, and have been told that some people have been helped listening to me describe my "struggles." I don't really like calling them that...I know other people have much worse problems than I do. Doesn't help much to know that, though, does it? I've always felt it rather dismissive to tell someone that other people have it worse. Of COURSE they do, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel like shit, right?

Anyway, I haven't really been as low as I've been since I wrote some of the things here. I've managed to stay out of the darkness for the most part, and I've been more or less pretty happy. This week has been a challenge, though. I'm not exactly sure why...I received some bad news at work, things have been a little tenser in my personal life, I haven't been doing as well physically as I would like, but none of that really accounts for the way I've been feeling. I'm not sure...it just feels like I've had a storm cloud following me this week, just waiting for me to let my guard down.

I've felt more insecure this week than I have in awhile. I try hard to ignore those feelings...I know it's just a mindfuck, that I AM a good guy (even if I don't always do good things), that I haven't let everyone in my life down, that I'm a good citizen. I know that I'm responsible (too much, most of the time), and that I do care very much about other people, even when I say I don't, and that I'm doing the best I can with the decisions I've made.

This week, though, it hasn't seemed to be enough just knowing all that. I feel lousy about myself and the job I'm doing with my life, and those old thoughts I used to have about whether or not I should even be here have come back. The part of me that is distrustful, scared, and unsure about myself has returned, like a horror movie villain. Just when I thought he was dead, he came back to get his revenge.

That's not to say I'm anywhere near where I used to be...only that it's much like a disease or an addiction. It takes vigilance to beat it down, and I have to be mindful of when it's raising it's ugly head. I haven't done a very good job of it this week....but I'm still trying. I may have lost the battle this week, but the war isn't over. And I don't take losing very easily.

Now

I find myself without much to say these days. At least, not much negative. I've explored the majority of my issues, and although I have by no means solved them, I have gotten a bit of a better handle on them. I know my triggers for depression, and I've done my best to avoid them. I still get depressed, of course, but I haven't had the prolonged bouts of depression that I've experienced in the past. I'm obviously going to try and keep that up.

Sometimes, it feels like I'm winning small battles, but the war is still in question. I do stupid things that sabotage my success. I've said before, I'm not looking for happiness...that's a fool's quest. I certainly want to be happy, but expecting to be happy all the time is a goal that can't be achieved. Rather, the goal is to be more happy than unhappy, and above all, to be content. Not so content as to stop striving to be better. Stagnation isn't the answer. But to be content with your life and where you're at in it...to stop obsessing over the mistakes of your past, or the uncertainties of the future. To just live in the moment.

It certainly sounds cliche, especially to me, but really, the moment is all we have. Yesterday is gone, and can't be changed. I foolishly find myself looking to the past sometimes. There's nothing to be found there. Yes, we are products of everything that comes before us...I'm a product of all my experiences, and to some extent, the experiences and decisions made by my parents, their parents, and so on. There are lessons to be learned from the mistakes we've made...lessons that, if not learned, we're almost certain to repeat. Dwelling on the past, however, is useless. It is also usually a waste of time to constantly try to extrapolate from the past to predict the future. Situations are different, attitudes change, people grow (or regress)...no two decisions are exactly the same, and to try and base today's decision on how things were decided yesterday can doom you to repeat the same mistakes, or make all new ones.

The same can be said of the future. To try and make decisions today based on where I think I'll be in the future can be equally foolhardy. I may think I have a pretty good handle on where I'm going, but we often don't know what decisions we'll make when presented with the question until we get there. That's not to say that having a plan is a waste of time...it certainly isn't. Driving without a destination in mind can lead you to drive in circles. A plan is definitely a good thing...but to waste time deciding how I'm going to cross a bridge before I get to it is often wasted energy.

No, the only thing I have is now, this moment. The future unwritten, the past carved in stone. The goal is to enjoy THIS moment, to live NOW...to learn from my mistakes of the past, to have a general plan for the future, but to understand that at this moment, I need to be happy...or at least content with where I'm at. Really, it's all that matters.

Expectations and my failure of them

Been a while, but it's probably time for me to get back to this. I've been meaning to, but I just haven't really had the energy. It hasn't been that great a week, though, and I'm tired and frustrated. My mind is racing, and that's what this is for, right?

I've always seemed to have had a problem living up to expectations, either mine or someone else's. I've tried to accept that I won't always live up to mine, that sometimes I set the bar too high. I'm doing better not putting so much pressure on myself, and trying to avoid the guilt that comes with not living up to it. Doesn't mean I'm not still striving to be 'better'...I am. I'm just not quite as hard on myself as I used to be. I still struggle with it sometimes, but, hey...progress is something.

The biggest fights I've had with people I've been with have been about me not living up to their expectations. It seems to be a constant battle with me. I try, I really do. But I always seem to get it wrong. It's been the #1 problem in every relationship I've had. They expect something from me, I don't do it, and they get upset. Now, sometimes it's me just being an insensitive asshole because I wasn't thinking, and other times it's been because I had no idea that I was supposed to do whatever it was. Regardless, I fail. Some people have figured that out about me, and just tell me what it is they want. My ex-wife seemed to pick up on that early on. I still failed sometimes, but I had a better chance of succeeding when I knew what it was that she wanted.

I try to do the right thing as much as I can. I feel like I'm making the effort, that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. But it rarely seems that I am. Whatever class they taught in school that was meant to show everything I'm to do, what to say, how to act, I missed. I fail those around me, and I fail myself. I've always been able to pass every test I was given...except this one. Can't seem to pass it, no matter how many re-takes I'm given. And before I hear about how I should be living to my expectations, not everyone else's, let me say that I understand that's a good theory. It's also a good way to end up alone. Which, while that may end up being how my life goes, it was certainly not MY expectation.