In a lull

I don't plan on posting twice in a day very often, but I'm wrestling with a thought that I need to straighten out.

I'm beginning to wonder if life has a natural lull in the middle, like long movies or sports teams. Especially when it comes to dating. Let's see if I can explain.

In the beginning, there are plenty of 'good' ones out there. 'Good', in this case, means women that are worth spending considerable time with, that aren't (entirely) crazy, that are "relationship material." Over the course of time, the 'good' ones get snatched up...either married or in serious relationships, and thus, to a moral boy such as myself, off limits. Because they're 'good', they stay in these relationships for a long time, at least until the kids are raised or their husband dies.

Once you get to the age where the kids are pretty much out of the house, some of the 'good' ones are available, at least for a brief time. Husbands get stupid. Wives get stupid. They just get tired of living together. Regardless, the supply goes up.

So, in between the "dating phase" and the "kids are older or husband is dead" phase, there's a lull where people are raising young kids, or haven't gotten tired enough of each other to call it quits. Any 'good' ones that hit the market are quickly snatched up by the best available men (or men that are completely different from their exes.) This leads to a serious downturn in supply, where what is mostly available are the ones that aren't 'good'...in short, most of them nuts. I think that's where I might be.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself. If this is true, there's hope coming...patience is the order of the day. I think I need to develop this thought further, but that's the skeleton of the thought I'm working through.

Chickensh*t

A couple days ago I posted about asking girls out...how I don't want to insult them by implying that I'm good enough for them. That's certainly a thought that goes through my mind when I'm considering it. The other thing that keeps me from asking anyone out is my fear of rejection. God, I hate it. It's not so much the rejection itself as much as that awkwardness afterward. "Would you like to go out? No? Oh, uhhhh, okay then...." Just the worst.

This leads me to wait until I'm sure I'm going to get a yes, or to not ask at all. There are girls that I could ask out, and I'm not sure they would all say no, but I'm also not sure that any of them would be interested in the least in spending any time with me whatsoever. I currently am on friendly terms with them...I'd hate to ask, them not be interested, and then have to face either the awkward conversations afterward, or worse, no conversations at all.

So how do I determine if they're interested? Ugh, another pitfall. What's worse than getting a no? Getting a no after I misread them. Maybe they were just being friendly or polite. At that point, I'm going to call into question every conversation we've had, and they're going to be more careful about talking to me at all for fear of leading me on. And it's difficult to continue talking to someone when you're constantly worried about what you're saying.

The 'asking out' to me always seems like it's going to go one of two ways: I'm going to get a yes (and then screw it up later), or I'm going to get a no, and that's going to be the end of whatever relationship I did have. I'm just not willing to risk it in most cases. Man, I hate those guys who don't think so damn much...they're getting the girls, while I'm overanalyzing whether to ask in the first place. Oh, to be back in HS when I could just ask her friends if she was interested. Cowardly, yes, but way less awkward.

Another day

It's hard to put my finger on exactly what the hell is wrong with me sometimes. Last night, I received a very sweet note out of the blue from someone who I really didn't think knew I existed. Even though it was a simple thing, and I know it doesn't mean anything, it was still touching that she would take the time to write that up and send it to me, and it made me feel very good about myself.

Then, I went to work. Now work is something that deserves it's own post...suffice it to say, my job seems to be able to bring me down in no time flat. Which, of course, was the case today. It's tiresome, and is really just a waste of my time and effort. BUT, it does pay the bills, and it's not exactly as if the job market is soaring right now. I put up with it, serve my time in my cloth covered cubicle shaped jail cell, and most days, I try to forget about it.

So why am I feeling down right now? I don't really have any reason to be down...just another lousy day at work. Shouldn't be any big deal. And I did get that note, the hot receptionist said hi to me, and the weekend is coming. Everything should be coming up roses. I get frustrated with myself when I get like this. There's no reason to feel the way I do...but sometimes, I just do.

Flattering or insulting?

So, the question I posed today was whether a somewhat-less-than-attractive guy asking a really 'put-together' woman out is flattering to her, or would she take it as an insult that he would even think he had a chance. By 'put-together', I mean the whole package...not just physical attractiveness, but also mental acuity, personality, all of it. Now this may seem a silly question at face-value...why wouldn't she be flattered? Even if she has no interest at all, she should feel good about herself that someone would find her attractive, right?

Not necessarily, at least in my warped head. There's a huge difference in my mind between letting her know that you think she's attractive, and moving to that next step and actually asking her out. By asking someone out, I'm saying that I have some to offer that she doesn't already have...that I'm going to add some value to her life. I know most guys don't see it that way, unless they're defining 'value' as their cock. My intention when I ask someone out isn't to get laid, though...maybe it was in high school, but we're adults now. It's all about relationships, not getting off.

By asking her out, I'm saying I'm bringing something to the table. Maybe it's just a self-esteem issue with me, but when I see certain women, I don't really feel I have much to offer. And just like if someone less fortunate than I were to offer to give me money, while that would certainly be nice, I'd have to wonder why they thought I would need such a thing. Hopefully it's obvious that I have enough money to get by, and I'd be a little flustered as to why they would offer. I think that my hypothetical 'put-together' woman would look at me and wonder the same thing...why would he offer? He's not really bringing much to the table, does he think he's got something I need? What image am I putting out?

Or maybe I just need a visit from Stuart Smalley. I know, at a rational level, that I am bringing SOMETHING to the table. I'm not a troll, I have a job, I have a pretty good sense of humor, etc. But it's not enough in my mind, and I'd rather not put her in that situation where she has to wonder. I sit back, talk, and hopefully over the course of time I can prove my value. Or someone else will ask her out, and I'll wonder what might have been. Regardless, my method has allowed me to over-achieve time and again, and it's a hard thing to change. But change is not a dirty word...just a difficult thing to accomplish.

Expectations

I don't really have that much to share today...kind of a blah day. Nothing really wrong, just not what I want things to be. I posted a saying a while back, about how most of life's disappointments are caused more by our expectations than how things actually are. I'm certainly not living up to what my expectations were, but I wasn't one of those people that had things planned out to begin with. I figured at this point I'd be married, have a family, and have a fulfilling job doing...something. One out of three isn't too bad, is it?

I've said that I'd never get married again. I'm already beginning to doubt that. I miss being married sometimes. I wonder if I'll be able to go back to it, though. I've lived by myself for over a year now, and although I can't say I 'like' it, it is beginning to feel a bit more natural.

As for the family, I have my son. He is, quite literally, my world. He's the reason I get up in the morning. It kills me that I don't get to see him every day. Although, truth be told, when I had that chance I squandered it. At least now, I know how precious my time with him is, even if it's just spent with us watching TV.

As for work, well, it's work. I hate my job. It's not difficult, and I get paid well to do it. It's just not fulfilling in any meaningful way. I go, sit in a cube, and wait until the day is over. I don't feel I'm adding value, and I'm not doing as much as I could be doing. This is entirely my fault, of course...I'm just too tired, or lazy, to continue fighting.

Not very interesting today, but maybe things will pick up after I get the hang of this.

What am I doing?

So, I've decided to go ahead and add another blog to the internet. I don't imagine that it will be read...hell, I'm not even positive I'm going to tell anyone about it. So why do it at all? Simply, I often feel the need to write. I need to get the thoughts I have in my head out of there so my mind can do something productive, like sleep or daydream. I have been writing for a while, but it's been kind of hit or miss. I feel it's something I need to do every day, and maybe this will be the impetus to do so. Likely as not, this will be hit or miss also, but I'm going to give it a shot.

And hopefully, I can stop annoying my FB friends by posting too much. I'll try to keep it here, in this little corner of the internet. I'm going to say what's on my mind, though...God only knows what's going to come out. If you don't like it, blame Tara...she was the inspiration.