New Title, New Direction

A few weeks ago, I saw the bookmark on my web browser for my blog. It had been a long time since I checked it out, even though it's always been right in front of me. I took a look at some of my old posts...some I really liked, some I find a bit embarrassing for one reason or another. I never really stopped writing, but I did stop publishing so much. I had a tendency to be a little too open with my thoughts, and that's not always a good thing...no need looking for trouble, you know.

But I did miss sharing, and I've always had an idea that I wanted to follow up on, but was just too lazy to do so. See, I have three sons...two older step-sons, and one younger son (I honestly don't know what to call him, other than my son...blood son? Genetic son? I'm not huge on labels anyway, and this one stumps me.) Anyway, the older boys were teenagers by the time I got to them, and although I've tried my best with them, they had pretty much already developed their own interests and thought about things...I mean, one is a Broncos fan, of all things!!

The youngest, however, is obviously a mini-me (although not that "mini" anymore.) We share a lot of the same interests, he acts a lot like I did at his age, he even talks like me. I'm fortunate enough that, because of our situation, I get at least an hour or so each week where it's just him and me in a car, so we talk a lot about different things, and it's fantastic.

I'm sentimental, though, and there are so many things I want to tell him that never seem to come up, and feel a little awkward when they do. Things that are boring, my thoughts on certain things, just my life. My hope is that someday, after I'm gone (hopefully not any time soon!), he will be able to read this and remember who I was. Maybe he'll learn something, maybe it'll remind him that I was a jerk, maybe he won't care but one of HIS kids will. I don't know. And maybe someone else will find it interesting as well...who knows? As always, I mostly write for me, and although this exercise is couched as letters to Jake, it's really "letters to myself that I'm sharing with Jake."

In the event that he does read this, however, and if I never make another post, I want to make sure this one thing is perfectly clear: I love you, Jake. I love all three of you boys, but there's always going to be something different about you because I've been there from the beginning. I remember the day I heard you were coming, I remember the first time I saw you on an ultrasound monitor, and I remember the first time I saw your face, no matter for how briefly (another story.) I've seen your successes, your failures, your frustrations and joys. You changed my life, and saved it. If you remember nothing else about me, remember this: I love you, son.

I know you're a bit sentimental yourself sometimes, so I'll try to make sure I don't end too many of these on a sappy note. But that message, more than anything else, I want to make clear. 

See you soon. Love, Dad.