I find myself without much to say these days. At least, not much negative. I've explored the majority of my issues, and although I have by no means solved them, I have gotten a bit of a better handle on them. I know my triggers for depression, and I've done my best to avoid them. I still get depressed, of course, but I haven't had the prolonged bouts of depression that I've experienced in the past. I'm obviously going to try and keep that up.
Sometimes, it feels like I'm winning small battles, but the war is still in question. I do stupid things that sabotage my success. I've said before, I'm not looking for happiness...that's a fool's quest. I certainly want to be happy, but expecting to be happy all the time is a goal that can't be achieved. Rather, the goal is to be more happy than unhappy, and above all, to be content. Not so content as to stop striving to be better. Stagnation isn't the answer. But to be content with your life and where you're at in it...to stop obsessing over the mistakes of your past, or the uncertainties of the future. To just live in the moment.
It certainly sounds cliche, especially to me, but really, the moment is all we have. Yesterday is gone, and can't be changed. I foolishly find myself looking to the past sometimes. There's nothing to be found there. Yes, we are products of everything that comes before us...I'm a product of all my experiences, and to some extent, the experiences and decisions made by my parents, their parents, and so on. There are lessons to be learned from the mistakes we've made...lessons that, if not learned, we're almost certain to repeat. Dwelling on the past, however, is useless. It is also usually a waste of time to constantly try to extrapolate from the past to predict the future. Situations are different, attitudes change, people grow (or regress)...no two decisions are exactly the same, and to try and base today's decision on how things were decided yesterday can doom you to repeat the same mistakes, or make all new ones.
The same can be said of the future. To try and make decisions today based on where I think I'll be in the future can be equally foolhardy. I may think I have a pretty good handle on where I'm going, but we often don't know what decisions we'll make when presented with the question until we get there. That's not to say that having a plan is a waste of time...it certainly isn't. Driving without a destination in mind can lead you to drive in circles. A plan is definitely a good thing...but to waste time deciding how I'm going to cross a bridge before I get to it is often wasted energy.
No, the only thing I have is now, this moment. The future unwritten, the past carved in stone. The goal is to enjoy THIS moment, to live NOW...to learn from my mistakes of the past, to have a general plan for the future, but to understand that at this moment, I need to be happy...or at least content with where I'm at. Really, it's all that matters.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Expectations and my failure of them
Been a while, but it's probably time for me to get back to this. I've been meaning to, but I just haven't really had the energy. It hasn't been that great a week, though, and I'm tired and frustrated. My mind is racing, and that's what this is for, right?
I've always seemed to have had a problem living up to expectations, either mine or someone else's. I've tried to accept that I won't always live up to mine, that sometimes I set the bar too high. I'm doing better not putting so much pressure on myself, and trying to avoid the guilt that comes with not living up to it. Doesn't mean I'm not still striving to be 'better'...I am. I'm just not quite as hard on myself as I used to be. I still struggle with it sometimes, but, hey...progress is something.
The biggest fights I've had with people I've been with have been about me not living up to their expectations. It seems to be a constant battle with me. I try, I really do. But I always seem to get it wrong. It's been the #1 problem in every relationship I've had. They expect something from me, I don't do it, and they get upset. Now, sometimes it's me just being an insensitive asshole because I wasn't thinking, and other times it's been because I had no idea that I was supposed to do whatever it was. Regardless, I fail. Some people have figured that out about me, and just tell me what it is they want. My ex-wife seemed to pick up on that early on. I still failed sometimes, but I had a better chance of succeeding when I knew what it was that she wanted.
I try to do the right thing as much as I can. I feel like I'm making the effort, that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. But it rarely seems that I am. Whatever class they taught in school that was meant to show everything I'm to do, what to say, how to act, I missed. I fail those around me, and I fail myself. I've always been able to pass every test I was given...except this one. Can't seem to pass it, no matter how many re-takes I'm given. And before I hear about how I should be living to my expectations, not everyone else's, let me say that I understand that's a good theory. It's also a good way to end up alone. Which, while that may end up being how my life goes, it was certainly not MY expectation.
I've always seemed to have had a problem living up to expectations, either mine or someone else's. I've tried to accept that I won't always live up to mine, that sometimes I set the bar too high. I'm doing better not putting so much pressure on myself, and trying to avoid the guilt that comes with not living up to it. Doesn't mean I'm not still striving to be 'better'...I am. I'm just not quite as hard on myself as I used to be. I still struggle with it sometimes, but, hey...progress is something.
The biggest fights I've had with people I've been with have been about me not living up to their expectations. It seems to be a constant battle with me. I try, I really do. But I always seem to get it wrong. It's been the #1 problem in every relationship I've had. They expect something from me, I don't do it, and they get upset. Now, sometimes it's me just being an insensitive asshole because I wasn't thinking, and other times it's been because I had no idea that I was supposed to do whatever it was. Regardless, I fail. Some people have figured that out about me, and just tell me what it is they want. My ex-wife seemed to pick up on that early on. I still failed sometimes, but I had a better chance of succeeding when I knew what it was that she wanted.
I try to do the right thing as much as I can. I feel like I'm making the effort, that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. But it rarely seems that I am. Whatever class they taught in school that was meant to show everything I'm to do, what to say, how to act, I missed. I fail those around me, and I fail myself. I've always been able to pass every test I was given...except this one. Can't seem to pass it, no matter how many re-takes I'm given. And before I hear about how I should be living to my expectations, not everyone else's, let me say that I understand that's a good theory. It's also a good way to end up alone. Which, while that may end up being how my life goes, it was certainly not MY expectation.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Oral fixation with my foot
God, can I keep my foot out my mouth? Evidently not...I've taken my oral fixation too far, seems like.
First, I had to put my cat down last night. I'm completely torn up about it. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Not the hardest, but up there in the top five, no doubt. I know it was the right decision, it was the best thing for her, yada yada yada. I want her here. I miss her. She was the constant in my life over the last six months. My boy would come and go, girls have come and gone, but Sasha was always here, waiting for me to sit down so she could climb on my chest. Best cat ever...not sure I'm going to even try getting another pet. I'm honestly not sure I can handle going through this again.
Speaking of girls, my girl came with me last night. I honestly don't think I could have done it without her. She kinda out-ted us on FB last night and today. It's weird, because I've always been very careful about that. I never wanted to appear to be "that guy"...with this girl, then that one, then a different one. I've never announced my relationships in public. I was waiting until I was confident that she would be around for a while...and I'm totally good with this one being out there. Surprisingly (to me), I feel really, really good about it, and I honestly don't care that it's public. Of course, I'll do a complete 180 if she ends up dumping me, but right now, I'm happy.
Now what would make her dump me? Back to the original point...me sticking my foot in my mouth. I know, intellectually, that sometimes the right answer is "yes" or "no." Why do I CONSTANTLY feel the need to explain every decision I make, every opinion I have, and why do I always have to "couch" everything I say? No one asks for that, and it causes me no end of problems. I get asked a question, and instead of going with a simple "yes", I have to give an "almost yes" with a 30 minute explanation as to why I feel that way. The answer is basically "yes" anyway. I try to be so careful to not be called a liar or have it thrown in my face later that I end up confusing the issue and just pissing people off. New 'late' resolution...to use a simple "yes" or "no" where appropriate, and stop being such a pain in the ass. Sometimes, you have to throw caution to the wind a bit, and follow your gut, and if it ends up later that you the situation changes and what you said before is no longer true, you deal with it. That's a fight that's deserving, rather than creating one trying to tiptoe on the edge of caution.
First, I had to put my cat down last night. I'm completely torn up about it. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Not the hardest, but up there in the top five, no doubt. I know it was the right decision, it was the best thing for her, yada yada yada. I want her here. I miss her. She was the constant in my life over the last six months. My boy would come and go, girls have come and gone, but Sasha was always here, waiting for me to sit down so she could climb on my chest. Best cat ever...not sure I'm going to even try getting another pet. I'm honestly not sure I can handle going through this again.
Speaking of girls, my girl came with me last night. I honestly don't think I could have done it without her. She kinda out-ted us on FB last night and today. It's weird, because I've always been very careful about that. I never wanted to appear to be "that guy"...with this girl, then that one, then a different one. I've never announced my relationships in public. I was waiting until I was confident that she would be around for a while...and I'm totally good with this one being out there. Surprisingly (to me), I feel really, really good about it, and I honestly don't care that it's public. Of course, I'll do a complete 180 if she ends up dumping me, but right now, I'm happy.
Now what would make her dump me? Back to the original point...me sticking my foot in my mouth. I know, intellectually, that sometimes the right answer is "yes" or "no." Why do I CONSTANTLY feel the need to explain every decision I make, every opinion I have, and why do I always have to "couch" everything I say? No one asks for that, and it causes me no end of problems. I get asked a question, and instead of going with a simple "yes", I have to give an "almost yes" with a 30 minute explanation as to why I feel that way. The answer is basically "yes" anyway. I try to be so careful to not be called a liar or have it thrown in my face later that I end up confusing the issue and just pissing people off. New 'late' resolution...to use a simple "yes" or "no" where appropriate, and stop being such a pain in the ass. Sometimes, you have to throw caution to the wind a bit, and follow your gut, and if it ends up later that you the situation changes and what you said before is no longer true, you deal with it. That's a fight that's deserving, rather than creating one trying to tiptoe on the edge of caution.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
I'm weird, but harmless...
I know, I know...haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up with this lately. Truth is, I just haven't had a lot that I both want and can talk about. I'm sure at some point I'll be able to get on here and bore you with some other part of my neurosis, but right now, things aren't so bad. I don't have a lot to complain about, and although I'm still not exactly my biggest fan, I don't hate myself nearly as much as usual. Progress, friends. Or I'm taking it as such.
I was asked to write about my touch of OCD. I'm not really sure that's what it is...I think it's more of just my personality. I don't know...OCD is a serious issue for some people, and my quirks aren't nearly that bad. It basically comes out in two ways: list making, and wanting to know the 'whole story.'
First, the lists. I'm not the type of person that makes lists of what I need at the grocery, or even "To Do" lists (although I try to do those when I can.) No, my lists are generally of what I have, or want. I have a list of every movie and TV show (by episode) I own, in order of release date. Same with every book and comic book (by author and year), song (by artist and year), every video game, even all the friends I have on FB. I have no idea why I do these lists. For some reason, I just find it comforting to know what's there, and what isn't.
Second, I want to know 'the whole story.' I can't start in the middle of something...I need to start at the beginning. For example, I can't see the second movie in a series before seeing the first. I can't pick up a book or start watching a TV show in the middle of the run...I want to start at the beginning and work my way through it. TV shows on DVD have been such a blessing for me. I can start at episode 1, and just keep going until the end of the series. This leaves me on the outside of a lot of things. I've never seen 'Dexter' because I missed the beginning (I have the DVD's...I'll catch up.) Same with a lot of other shows...I didn't watch 'Lost' or any of the other big name shows because I missed the start.
I think this comes down to my belief that everything is inter-connected, and you can't understand where you are if you don't know where you've been. By starting at the beginning, I can see the whole story unfold, and see how everything connects. With the lists, I can see what came before it, and what could be using whatever I'm enjoying as a block to help build it's world. I believe that almost everything in this world is derivative of something else...I'm not only a product of my past, but also a product of my father and his past, and my father's father, and so on. Same in the world of entertainment, or science, or philosophy...everything builds upon everything else that came before it. Or, maybe, I'm just a little quirky and like to make weird lists. At the very least, it keeps me busy.
I was asked to write about my touch of OCD. I'm not really sure that's what it is...I think it's more of just my personality. I don't know...OCD is a serious issue for some people, and my quirks aren't nearly that bad. It basically comes out in two ways: list making, and wanting to know the 'whole story.'
First, the lists. I'm not the type of person that makes lists of what I need at the grocery, or even "To Do" lists (although I try to do those when I can.) No, my lists are generally of what I have, or want. I have a list of every movie and TV show (by episode) I own, in order of release date. Same with every book and comic book (by author and year), song (by artist and year), every video game, even all the friends I have on FB. I have no idea why I do these lists. For some reason, I just find it comforting to know what's there, and what isn't.
Second, I want to know 'the whole story.' I can't start in the middle of something...I need to start at the beginning. For example, I can't see the second movie in a series before seeing the first. I can't pick up a book or start watching a TV show in the middle of the run...I want to start at the beginning and work my way through it. TV shows on DVD have been such a blessing for me. I can start at episode 1, and just keep going until the end of the series. This leaves me on the outside of a lot of things. I've never seen 'Dexter' because I missed the beginning (I have the DVD's...I'll catch up.) Same with a lot of other shows...I didn't watch 'Lost' or any of the other big name shows because I missed the start.
I think this comes down to my belief that everything is inter-connected, and you can't understand where you are if you don't know where you've been. By starting at the beginning, I can see the whole story unfold, and see how everything connects. With the lists, I can see what came before it, and what could be using whatever I'm enjoying as a block to help build it's world. I believe that almost everything in this world is derivative of something else...I'm not only a product of my past, but also a product of my father and his past, and my father's father, and so on. Same in the world of entertainment, or science, or philosophy...everything builds upon everything else that came before it. Or, maybe, I'm just a little quirky and like to make weird lists. At the very least, it keeps me busy.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Guilt
Seems like I've always felt guilty about something. I've never really understood why I feel this way, I just do. When I was younger, I felt guilty if I wasn't the best in my class. I'd feel guilty when I saw what my dad sacrificed to raise me, whenever I'd break up with a girl, if I didn't practice hard enough. I'm honestly not sure where it all comes from, or why I do it to myself. It really is a wasted emotion...I can't change the past, and if I've screwed up, I've probably already apologized for it and did my best to fix it. And yet, it's there, lurking around every corner.
My number one source of guilt right now is what I'm afraid I've done to my son. By all accounts, he's healthy, happy, and well adjusted. I'm not with him every day, though, and it tears me apart. I'm scared that the divorce (that was my fault) has altered him, and will have a negative effect on him in the future. I don't feel like a very good role model for him, no matter how hard I try to be. So, I feel guilty for not being with him, and I feel guilty when I AM with him.
I also feel guilty for my recent break up. God knows, we tried again and again, and had a host of valid reasons why it was probably better for both of us if we just moved on. I think I did the right thing for both of us. Still, there's a part of me that feels horrible about it...like if I had tried just a little harder, or did one or two things different, I wouldn't have caused it to end.
Which brings me to my current relationship. As I've mentioned, there have been challenges getting it off the ground. I think we've handled most of them. But I feel like I'm the cause of most of them, and I hate it. No matter how many times I've been told that everything was going to happen the way it did regardless of my involvement, I still feel like it's my fault, that I've caused all this pain. It's a bit egocentric to think that way, I suppose...that I'm the center, and all pain radiates from me.
What I need to do is accept things. Accept that my divorce happened, and that my ex, my son and I are all better off. Accept that I did the right thing in breaking off my last relationship, and that any pain we feel is temporary and will end up being the best thing for both of us. And accept that I'm NOT the center of the universe, and that things happen that are neither my fault nor caused by me. I need to accept the decisions I've made, and TRULY accept the consequences, instead of just accepting the (self-inflicted) punishment. And I need to stop feeling guilty about my life...to eradicate this demon, and not allow it to cast it's shadow on me. It's an uphill battle...but one I need to fight.
My number one source of guilt right now is what I'm afraid I've done to my son. By all accounts, he's healthy, happy, and well adjusted. I'm not with him every day, though, and it tears me apart. I'm scared that the divorce (that was my fault) has altered him, and will have a negative effect on him in the future. I don't feel like a very good role model for him, no matter how hard I try to be. So, I feel guilty for not being with him, and I feel guilty when I AM with him.
I also feel guilty for my recent break up. God knows, we tried again and again, and had a host of valid reasons why it was probably better for both of us if we just moved on. I think I did the right thing for both of us. Still, there's a part of me that feels horrible about it...like if I had tried just a little harder, or did one or two things different, I wouldn't have caused it to end.
Which brings me to my current relationship. As I've mentioned, there have been challenges getting it off the ground. I think we've handled most of them. But I feel like I'm the cause of most of them, and I hate it. No matter how many times I've been told that everything was going to happen the way it did regardless of my involvement, I still feel like it's my fault, that I've caused all this pain. It's a bit egocentric to think that way, I suppose...that I'm the center, and all pain radiates from me.
What I need to do is accept things. Accept that my divorce happened, and that my ex, my son and I are all better off. Accept that I did the right thing in breaking off my last relationship, and that any pain we feel is temporary and will end up being the best thing for both of us. And accept that I'm NOT the center of the universe, and that things happen that are neither my fault nor caused by me. I need to accept the decisions I've made, and TRULY accept the consequences, instead of just accepting the (self-inflicted) punishment. And I need to stop feeling guilty about my life...to eradicate this demon, and not allow it to cast it's shadow on me. It's an uphill battle...but one I need to fight.
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