Expectations and my failure of them

Been a while, but it's probably time for me to get back to this. I've been meaning to, but I just haven't really had the energy. It hasn't been that great a week, though, and I'm tired and frustrated. My mind is racing, and that's what this is for, right?

I've always seemed to have had a problem living up to expectations, either mine or someone else's. I've tried to accept that I won't always live up to mine, that sometimes I set the bar too high. I'm doing better not putting so much pressure on myself, and trying to avoid the guilt that comes with not living up to it. Doesn't mean I'm not still striving to be 'better'...I am. I'm just not quite as hard on myself as I used to be. I still struggle with it sometimes, but, hey...progress is something.

The biggest fights I've had with people I've been with have been about me not living up to their expectations. It seems to be a constant battle with me. I try, I really do. But I always seem to get it wrong. It's been the #1 problem in every relationship I've had. They expect something from me, I don't do it, and they get upset. Now, sometimes it's me just being an insensitive asshole because I wasn't thinking, and other times it's been because I had no idea that I was supposed to do whatever it was. Regardless, I fail. Some people have figured that out about me, and just tell me what it is they want. My ex-wife seemed to pick up on that early on. I still failed sometimes, but I had a better chance of succeeding when I knew what it was that she wanted.

I try to do the right thing as much as I can. I feel like I'm making the effort, that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. But it rarely seems that I am. Whatever class they taught in school that was meant to show everything I'm to do, what to say, how to act, I missed. I fail those around me, and I fail myself. I've always been able to pass every test I was given...except this one. Can't seem to pass it, no matter how many re-takes I'm given. And before I hear about how I should be living to my expectations, not everyone else's, let me say that I understand that's a good theory. It's also a good way to end up alone. Which, while that may end up being how my life goes, it was certainly not MY expectation.