Seems like I've always felt guilty about something. I've never really understood why I feel this way, I just do. When I was younger, I felt guilty if I wasn't the best in my class. I'd feel guilty when I saw what my dad sacrificed to raise me, whenever I'd break up with a girl, if I didn't practice hard enough. I'm honestly not sure where it all comes from, or why I do it to myself. It really is a wasted emotion...I can't change the past, and if I've screwed up, I've probably already apologized for it and did my best to fix it. And yet, it's there, lurking around every corner.
My number one source of guilt right now is what I'm afraid I've done to my son. By all accounts, he's healthy, happy, and well adjusted. I'm not with him every day, though, and it tears me apart. I'm scared that the divorce (that was my fault) has altered him, and will have a negative effect on him in the future. I don't feel like a very good role model for him, no matter how hard I try to be. So, I feel guilty for not being with him, and I feel guilty when I AM with him.
I also feel guilty for my recent break up. God knows, we tried again and again, and had a host of valid reasons why it was probably better for both of us if we just moved on. I think I did the right thing for both of us. Still, there's a part of me that feels horrible about it...like if I had tried just a little harder, or did one or two things different, I wouldn't have caused it to end.
Which brings me to my current relationship. As I've mentioned, there have been challenges getting it off the ground. I think we've handled most of them. But I feel like I'm the cause of most of them, and I hate it. No matter how many times I've been told that everything was going to happen the way it did regardless of my involvement, I still feel like it's my fault, that I've caused all this pain. It's a bit egocentric to think that way, I suppose...that I'm the center, and all pain radiates from me.
What I need to do is accept things. Accept that my divorce happened, and that my ex, my son and I are all better off. Accept that I did the right thing in breaking off my last relationship, and that any pain we feel is temporary and will end up being the best thing for both of us. And accept that I'm NOT the center of the universe, and that things happen that are neither my fault nor caused by me. I need to accept the decisions I've made, and TRULY accept the consequences, instead of just accepting the (self-inflicted) punishment. And I need to stop feeling guilty about my life...to eradicate this demon, and not allow it to cast it's shadow on me. It's an uphill battle...but one I need to fight.
Unfortunately, I don't think any of us will really know if we made good decisions as parents for a really, really long time, maybe never. Most likely, his life is not better or worse because of your divorce, just different. Hard to say. Personally, I was MUCH better off thanks to my parents divorce, but it still caused challenges. If you're concerned, aware and proactive (as you obviously are), then you can trust he is doing as well as possible, divorced parents or not.
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