Now

I find myself without much to say these days. At least, not much negative. I've explored the majority of my issues, and although I have by no means solved them, I have gotten a bit of a better handle on them. I know my triggers for depression, and I've done my best to avoid them. I still get depressed, of course, but I haven't had the prolonged bouts of depression that I've experienced in the past. I'm obviously going to try and keep that up.

Sometimes, it feels like I'm winning small battles, but the war is still in question. I do stupid things that sabotage my success. I've said before, I'm not looking for happiness...that's a fool's quest. I certainly want to be happy, but expecting to be happy all the time is a goal that can't be achieved. Rather, the goal is to be more happy than unhappy, and above all, to be content. Not so content as to stop striving to be better. Stagnation isn't the answer. But to be content with your life and where you're at in it...to stop obsessing over the mistakes of your past, or the uncertainties of the future. To just live in the moment.

It certainly sounds cliche, especially to me, but really, the moment is all we have. Yesterday is gone, and can't be changed. I foolishly find myself looking to the past sometimes. There's nothing to be found there. Yes, we are products of everything that comes before us...I'm a product of all my experiences, and to some extent, the experiences and decisions made by my parents, their parents, and so on. There are lessons to be learned from the mistakes we've made...lessons that, if not learned, we're almost certain to repeat. Dwelling on the past, however, is useless. It is also usually a waste of time to constantly try to extrapolate from the past to predict the future. Situations are different, attitudes change, people grow (or regress)...no two decisions are exactly the same, and to try and base today's decision on how things were decided yesterday can doom you to repeat the same mistakes, or make all new ones.

The same can be said of the future. To try and make decisions today based on where I think I'll be in the future can be equally foolhardy. I may think I have a pretty good handle on where I'm going, but we often don't know what decisions we'll make when presented with the question until we get there. That's not to say that having a plan is a waste of time...it certainly isn't. Driving without a destination in mind can lead you to drive in circles. A plan is definitely a good thing...but to waste time deciding how I'm going to cross a bridge before I get to it is often wasted energy.

No, the only thing I have is now, this moment. The future unwritten, the past carved in stone. The goal is to enjoy THIS moment, to live NOW...to learn from my mistakes of the past, to have a general plan for the future, but to understand that at this moment, I need to be happy...or at least content with where I'm at. Really, it's all that matters.