The last couple of posts have been kind of downers. So let's discuss something a little more fun...things I'm attracted to for no apparent reason.
First off, I have a bit of a thing about hair. I like women with long hair (defined to be at least shoulder length), long enough for me to run my fingers through. For some reason, I like ponytails...maybe because I like necks, and for a woman with long hair, a ponytail is showing off what's usually hidden. I also prefer brunettes to blondes (although, believe me, there isn't anything wrong with blondes, either.)
I like girls who wear glasses, too. One of my prerequisites in a woman is someone who can hold a conversation. I guess the glasses put off an aura of intelligence. Regardless, I find them sexy.
And one that seems, to me, to be the oddest...I dig a woman in sweatpants. I remember summer school gym in ninth grade, as well as the time I spent helping the school's drill team. That was shortly after I started to become sexually active, and with all the hormones and stuff, seeing all those girls in (mostly cutoff) sweatpants killed me. It still does. Something about the casualness about it, and the way they fit, and the ease of getting them off drives me nuts.
Those are the main things. There are a lot of other little things, like I find accents hot, I like latina women, etc., but as far as things that get me going, those do.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Post-vacation blues
Although yesterday wasn't so bad, I stayed pretty busy all day catching up on what I missed while I was on vacation. Today, the 'post-vacation' blues hit hard and heavy. Just an few things that individually aren't that big a deal, but taken together, just brought me down.
I sent a friend request to a co-worker. She didn't accept it. To be fair, we don't work that closely together, and she doesn't know me that well. But I can only think of two reasons that would happen. Either she didn't know it was from me, which means that I didn't make enough of an impact on her that she remembered my name, or she doesn't care for me. She's friends with other co-workers, so I don't think it's an issue of her just keeping business and personal separate. Disappointing, a bit.
The person I talked to yesterday about a new job hasn't called back, and didn't follow up with the e-mail she said she was going to send. That can't possibly be good news.
It's snowing. Reason enough right there...I can't STAND snow. Especially when I just got back from fucking Arizona. Ugh.
I think I need to go shopping. Most of my clothes are old, as I tend to keep things around until I wear them out. Maybe some new threads would help me feel a bit better about myself. Regardless, I need them. Any personal shoppers out there in blog land?
Monday, November 28, 2011
Heart attack
One of the worst parts about my current situation is something I've already discussed, how there really isn't any one for me to call if I need help. I take medicine for muscle spasms...sometimes they get so bad that the entire muscle will lock up. It'll look like I have a baseball growing out of my back. Although it usually occurs in my back, it will happen in other muscles as well.
Tonight, I had one in my chest. My left shoulder is killing me. Every time this happens, the first thought I have is 'pain down my left arm and in my chest, must be a heart attack.' I dismiss the thought fairly quickly...I don't REALLY think it's a heart attack. But I've never had one, so I don't have any idea what it will feel like if I do. I had a vision of me calling an ambulance for help and being taken to the hospital. Then what? Who would call my work to let them know I wouldn't be in? Who would lock up my house? I'd have to call my ex-wife and let her know, since I wouldn't be able to pick up my son, but I'm no longer her responsibility. She has her own life. Would I just get on facebook sometime at the hospital and tell people? Or maybe report it here? To what end?
Maybe it's just the time of year, or maybe my recent vacation has just brought it into more focus. Holidays aren't much fun right now. I'm sure this will change, or I'll at least get used to it. In the meantime, I hope I don't have a heart attack.
Tonight, I had one in my chest. My left shoulder is killing me. Every time this happens, the first thought I have is 'pain down my left arm and in my chest, must be a heart attack.' I dismiss the thought fairly quickly...I don't REALLY think it's a heart attack. But I've never had one, so I don't have any idea what it will feel like if I do. I had a vision of me calling an ambulance for help and being taken to the hospital. Then what? Who would call my work to let them know I wouldn't be in? Who would lock up my house? I'd have to call my ex-wife and let her know, since I wouldn't be able to pick up my son, but I'm no longer her responsibility. She has her own life. Would I just get on facebook sometime at the hospital and tell people? Or maybe report it here? To what end?
Maybe it's just the time of year, or maybe my recent vacation has just brought it into more focus. Holidays aren't much fun right now. I'm sure this will change, or I'll at least get used to it. In the meantime, I hope I don't have a heart attack.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
All's quiet
I've actually been doing okay today, all things considered. I got a lot done, and kept myself busy for the most part. But now that I'm pretty much finished for the day, the house feels worse than empty. I had my boy for 10 straight days, just me and him. He can sometimes be a pain in the ass, and sometimes I'm almost begging for 5 minutes of quiet. He gives me a reason to be here, though...sometimes I feel he's the only reason. It's certainly not fair of me to put that on him, but if he wasn't here, I'm not sure I would be. If I were, I wouldn't be doing the things I'm doing, such as getting ready for work tomorrow. He needs me to do those things, though, and I do, for him.
Other than how I"m feeling, there is hope on the horizon. I received a call while I was gone about my resume, back in a plant accountant role. Believe me, I'll be on the phone with them by 8:05 tomorrow. Although I think I'm going to pass, I also received a communication from a young lady on eHarmony...first one since I stopped paying. I'd have to sign back up to communicate with her...tempting as that is, I doubt it's worth it. But it was very flattering, and a nice ego-boost that I kinda needed. I also received a couple messages while I was on vacation that were very nice, including one asking me for coffee. While that one isn't of a 'romantic' nature (she's taken), I thought it was very sweet, and I'm very much looking forward to having a cup of java and chatting. Maybe she'll let me in on her boyfriend's secrets...God knows, I could use the tips!
Back to the grind tomorrow...let's all shoot for a good start to the week, k?
Other than how I"m feeling, there is hope on the horizon. I received a call while I was gone about my resume, back in a plant accountant role. Believe me, I'll be on the phone with them by 8:05 tomorrow. Although I think I'm going to pass, I also received a communication from a young lady on eHarmony...first one since I stopped paying. I'd have to sign back up to communicate with her...tempting as that is, I doubt it's worth it. But it was very flattering, and a nice ego-boost that I kinda needed. I also received a couple messages while I was on vacation that were very nice, including one asking me for coffee. While that one isn't of a 'romantic' nature (she's taken), I thought it was very sweet, and I'm very much looking forward to having a cup of java and chatting. Maybe she'll let me in on her boyfriend's secrets...God knows, I could use the tips!
Back to the grind tomorrow...let's all shoot for a good start to the week, k?
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Back on the horse
It's been over a week since I last checked in because I was on vacation. I tried to take a vacation from everything...no work, very little facebook, very few e-mails. Tried to leave my problems behind, and just enjoy it. Here's what I learned on vacation.
First, I REALLY miss having family around. Where I'm at now, I don't really have any family, and very few friends who would miss me if I wasn't here. I spent the week with my father, step-mother, my brother and his family. It was nice to know that, if just for a little while, there was someone there who I could lean on a bit.
Second, I didn't find it all that difficult to just shake off my problems and leave them here. Sure, they were waiting for me when I got back, but once removed from my environment, it seemed pretty easy to just leave them behind. Makes me think that there really is a chance I could start over if I so desired.
Third, I'm lonelier here than I thought. I spent most every day with my family, and if I was there today, I'd be spending today with them, too. Like I said, it's just nice to have someone around.
Fourth, I LOVE my boy. This was the first time that he and I took an extended vacation together, and wow...I'm not taking credit for any it. He's just a really, really good kid. He did his best to help me, and we had a lot of fun this week. He's not perfect, but damn, am I lucky.
I had a birthday while I was on vacation. My nieces and nephew made me presents, and my sister-in-law made me cupcakes. It was wonderful. The truth is, though, I don't like my birthday. I've lived 12 years longer than I thought I would, and probably 7 years longer than I should have. Seven years ago, everything was great...I had a good job, a family, and my family was still around. In the last seven years, I've caused me and those around me a lot of pain. I'm closer to 40 now, and I still have no idea where I'm going, or how to get there. I want things to CHANGE, but much like the 'hope and change' of the last election, I'm not exactly sure what that means. I feel like I'm waiting...waiting for everything to fall into place. I know that's not going to happen, but I can't help...hoping.
First, I REALLY miss having family around. Where I'm at now, I don't really have any family, and very few friends who would miss me if I wasn't here. I spent the week with my father, step-mother, my brother and his family. It was nice to know that, if just for a little while, there was someone there who I could lean on a bit.
Second, I didn't find it all that difficult to just shake off my problems and leave them here. Sure, they were waiting for me when I got back, but once removed from my environment, it seemed pretty easy to just leave them behind. Makes me think that there really is a chance I could start over if I so desired.
Third, I'm lonelier here than I thought. I spent most every day with my family, and if I was there today, I'd be spending today with them, too. Like I said, it's just nice to have someone around.
Fourth, I LOVE my boy. This was the first time that he and I took an extended vacation together, and wow...I'm not taking credit for any it. He's just a really, really good kid. He did his best to help me, and we had a lot of fun this week. He's not perfect, but damn, am I lucky.
I had a birthday while I was on vacation. My nieces and nephew made me presents, and my sister-in-law made me cupcakes. It was wonderful. The truth is, though, I don't like my birthday. I've lived 12 years longer than I thought I would, and probably 7 years longer than I should have. Seven years ago, everything was great...I had a good job, a family, and my family was still around. In the last seven years, I've caused me and those around me a lot of pain. I'm closer to 40 now, and I still have no idea where I'm going, or how to get there. I want things to CHANGE, but much like the 'hope and change' of the last election, I'm not exactly sure what that means. I feel like I'm waiting...waiting for everything to fall into place. I know that's not going to happen, but I can't help...hoping.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Four (five) groups of people in your life
Not sure how well I'm going to keep these updated over the next week or so...I'll probably just add posts when I have time.
I read an article about the four types of people in the world, and, as usual, it got me thinking. I added a fifth group, because I felt it was incomplete. Here they are, and my thoughts.
1) The people who like you for the right reasons - these are the people that know you, and still have a reason to like you. The problem with this defining this group is that you have to find a reason in yourself that people would like you. Now, while self-esteem isn't my strongest point, I'm not totally devoid of it, either. I have a lot of good qualities that some people like. I'm certainly not everyone's cup of tea, but I am some peoples. The best group.
2) The people who like you for the wrong reasons - this is a dangerous group for me. I want to be liked...but some people like me for all the wrong reasons. They either don't really know me, or they know me TOO well, and are just using me. For me, unfortunately, this is the larger of the two "like" groups.
3) The people who don't like you for the wrong reasons - I find this group annoying. You don't know me, why don't you like me? Or, you don't like me because of your own problems. The sane thing to do is just to walk away from them, but I find that difficult. I want to turn them around, show them I'm a 'good guy.' This group is a waste of my time, though.
4) The people who don't like you for the right reasons - probably the most important group. This group has a reason not to like me...it's primarily filled with ex-girlfriends, their ex-boyfriends, and other people that I've pissed off. It's a large group, but it's the one that can teach us the most about ourselves. These are the people I've wronged. I've apologized where I could, but some things I can never atone for. I can just try harder next time.
5) The people who don't give a shit about you either way - I added this one. This is the majority of the world. I wish I didn't think like this...we're all in this together and all that. But the truth is, the majority of the people DON'T care about me. Not like they hate me, they're just more interested in themselves. These people, though, have potential. I need to do a better job of making them fit in group 1 when I can, and not group 4. I'm trying.
I read an article about the four types of people in the world, and, as usual, it got me thinking. I added a fifth group, because I felt it was incomplete. Here they are, and my thoughts.
1) The people who like you for the right reasons - these are the people that know you, and still have a reason to like you. The problem with this defining this group is that you have to find a reason in yourself that people would like you. Now, while self-esteem isn't my strongest point, I'm not totally devoid of it, either. I have a lot of good qualities that some people like. I'm certainly not everyone's cup of tea, but I am some peoples. The best group.
2) The people who like you for the wrong reasons - this is a dangerous group for me. I want to be liked...but some people like me for all the wrong reasons. They either don't really know me, or they know me TOO well, and are just using me. For me, unfortunately, this is the larger of the two "like" groups.
3) The people who don't like you for the wrong reasons - I find this group annoying. You don't know me, why don't you like me? Or, you don't like me because of your own problems. The sane thing to do is just to walk away from them, but I find that difficult. I want to turn them around, show them I'm a 'good guy.' This group is a waste of my time, though.
4) The people who don't like you for the right reasons - probably the most important group. This group has a reason not to like me...it's primarily filled with ex-girlfriends, their ex-boyfriends, and other people that I've pissed off. It's a large group, but it's the one that can teach us the most about ourselves. These are the people I've wronged. I've apologized where I could, but some things I can never atone for. I can just try harder next time.
5) The people who don't give a shit about you either way - I added this one. This is the majority of the world. I wish I didn't think like this...we're all in this together and all that. But the truth is, the majority of the people DON'T care about me. Not like they hate me, they're just more interested in themselves. These people, though, have potential. I need to do a better job of making them fit in group 1 when I can, and not group 4. I'm trying.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
If only duct tape fixed everything
I have a tendency, when something isn't working, to just want to blow it up and start over. If the spreadsheet I'm designing isn't what I want, start from scratch. Don't like the progress I've made in a game...start over. Computer acting up...format the hard drive and rebuild. When I do this, I can usually make it much better than it was by avoiding all the mistakes I made.
Can't be done in life, though. I make a mistake, and I'm stuck with it. Maybe if we had the technology presented in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," where we could just go in and erase memories, I could fix things. So, I'm stuck. I can 'start over' in an existing relationship, but there's always the history there. Hard feelings and memories of my stupidity carry over. Same with my job. Just can't 'start from scratch.'
I could always try to find a new job, or a new relationship, but that's not easy. That only leaves one thing to do...fix it. And I'm just not very good at fixing things. Everything gets patched and covered in duct tape. Unfortunately, they don't make duct tape for fixing the things I screw up. I can only fix it the best I can, and hope it heals. But there are always cracks...
Can't be done in life, though. I make a mistake, and I'm stuck with it. Maybe if we had the technology presented in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," where we could just go in and erase memories, I could fix things. So, I'm stuck. I can 'start over' in an existing relationship, but there's always the history there. Hard feelings and memories of my stupidity carry over. Same with my job. Just can't 'start from scratch.'
I could always try to find a new job, or a new relationship, but that's not easy. That only leaves one thing to do...fix it. And I'm just not very good at fixing things. Everything gets patched and covered in duct tape. Unfortunately, they don't make duct tape for fixing the things I screw up. I can only fix it the best I can, and hope it heals. But there are always cracks...
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Self-destruction
I'm not even sure where to start tonight. To be honest, I don't even feel like writing, but I feel like I should.
One of my favorite sayings is that when you feel like you're in a dark period of your life, to remember that it's not a hole that you're in, it's a tunnel. The idea is that you can get past it, that there's light on the other side. It's one of those things that I spout off when I'm talking to someone and trying to raise their spirits. And I genuinely mean it.
For them. For me, it's a damn hole sometimes. It's a trap that I fall in, and have to climb like hell to get out. The saddest part is that I'M the one digging the fucking thing. Nobody does this to me...I do it to me. And although I try not to do it, I just can't seem to stop sometimes.
This morning, I woke up in a fairly positive mood. I've got a lot of things going on that are quite frankly stressing me out, but it's okay...this morning, I could handle it. I felt good about myself. Then, I had a meeting with my boss's boss. I'm not going to go into details (since I don't know who exactly is reading this), but it should have been flattering. He was asking my opinion on something, something that I should have had no opinion on at all. He didn't have to...in fact, he probably shouldn't have. But he was actually interested in what I had to say, and knew I'd be honest with him. So how did I turn this around? I started worrying about the impact of our conversation on me down the road, things I can't control. I kicked myself for what I said, things I can't change. I turned it into a negative.
I am constantly worrying about things I've said or done, and beating myself up over it. Flirting with a girl? Idiot...you know she's not interested. Not asking a girl I'm interested in out? Coward...that's the reason you're alone. Having some unexpected problem pop up? Moron...you should have thought of that before and been ready. Have something not get done? Worthless...anybody could have done that, and done it better.
Now I know that I'm being too hard on myself. I wish I could be that cool guy in the movie, the slacker that's always having fun and doesn't have a care in the world. I don't know how to let things go. It's one of my greatest strengths...it makes me loyal, dependable, someone who IS able to get things done. But it's also one of my biggest weaknesses...nobody can destroy me like I can. And unfortunately, I'm really, really good at it.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Back with a true rant
Missed another day...ah, well. The medication is kicking back in, and I'm starting to feel a bit better about myself. Those aren't necessarily related...I've received some incredibly nice messages the last two days that made me very happy. Let's just agree that I'm doing better...the cause isn't (that) important at the moment.
Anyway...back to writing. I've tried very hard to not rant about this, but really, I've had it. If I offend you, I'm sorry, but if you know me at all, you had to know it was coming sooner or later. Just know that I still love you dearly (if I know you), regardless of your feelings about this. If I don't know you, you probably don't give a shit what I think anyway, so here goes.
I've have absolutely had it with all the self-important assholes and their hanger-ons that have nothing better to do. Yes, I realize that calling someone 'self-important' on my blog is a little ironic, but I try not to cram it down your throat or call a press conference everytime I write. But seriously...I've had it. Just today, I've seen:
1) PETA protesters complaining about a video game character with a raccoon tail. Seriously? This is another organization that may have been valuable at one time, but is now just a fucking joke.
2) These 'Occupy' people. I just don't get it. In my city, they're being 'asked' to move so that the city can light the Christmas tree. All this, and I have no frickin' idea what they're even trying to protest, or what they're hoping to accomplish. Maybe it's all worthwhile, but from what I see, it's a bunch of people asking for something instead of working for it...get a job, and you won't have time to protest.
3) Just because the 'left' doesn't have a monopoly on crazy, the 'Tea-Party.' Listen, I'm libertarian who is slightly more conservative. I HATE big government. But shut the hell up already.
4) Penn State protesters. Damn college students. There's more to life than football, namely, it should be a generally looked down upon to RAPE KIDS AND NOT TELL ANYONE. But while I'm on the subject...
5) The people condemning Joe Paterno. Listen, we don't know what happened, and we don't know who knew what when. We don't know what Paterno was told, how he was told it, or anything else. You can have an opinion, but aren't we generally supposed to withhold our hatred until we know what's going on? I've said before...if you're a pedophile, I have NO problem with you receiving the death penalty. But I want you to be convicted before you fry...then, I'll pull the lever. Promise. If you knowingly protected a pedophile, I have no problem punishing you, too. But I'm not so sure about punishing people based on what I think they did.
6) The people I know who have to make EVERY FUCKING THING a crisis. I'm sorry the search screen on your computer doesn't look the way you want, but the world will not stop because of it...don't come and interrupt what I'm doing. I'm sorry your computer broke...um, we'll fix it, you don't need to dial '911'. These people, it doesn't matter if I'm on the phone, in the bathroom, dead...their problem is the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!! Fuck off.
I'm sure there are people I've missed. I guess my point is, everyone needs to calm the hell down. Maybe have some perspective. I know I lose mine sometimes...I'm not convinced I'm the only one.
Anyway...back to writing. I've tried very hard to not rant about this, but really, I've had it. If I offend you, I'm sorry, but if you know me at all, you had to know it was coming sooner or later. Just know that I still love you dearly (if I know you), regardless of your feelings about this. If I don't know you, you probably don't give a shit what I think anyway, so here goes.
I've have absolutely had it with all the self-important assholes and their hanger-ons that have nothing better to do. Yes, I realize that calling someone 'self-important' on my blog is a little ironic, but I try not to cram it down your throat or call a press conference everytime I write. But seriously...I've had it. Just today, I've seen:
1) PETA protesters complaining about a video game character with a raccoon tail. Seriously? This is another organization that may have been valuable at one time, but is now just a fucking joke.
2) These 'Occupy' people. I just don't get it. In my city, they're being 'asked' to move so that the city can light the Christmas tree. All this, and I have no frickin' idea what they're even trying to protest, or what they're hoping to accomplish. Maybe it's all worthwhile, but from what I see, it's a bunch of people asking for something instead of working for it...get a job, and you won't have time to protest.
3) Just because the 'left' doesn't have a monopoly on crazy, the 'Tea-Party.' Listen, I'm libertarian who is slightly more conservative. I HATE big government. But shut the hell up already.
4) Penn State protesters. Damn college students. There's more to life than football, namely, it should be a generally looked down upon to RAPE KIDS AND NOT TELL ANYONE. But while I'm on the subject...
5) The people condemning Joe Paterno. Listen, we don't know what happened, and we don't know who knew what when. We don't know what Paterno was told, how he was told it, or anything else. You can have an opinion, but aren't we generally supposed to withhold our hatred until we know what's going on? I've said before...if you're a pedophile, I have NO problem with you receiving the death penalty. But I want you to be convicted before you fry...then, I'll pull the lever. Promise. If you knowingly protected a pedophile, I have no problem punishing you, too. But I'm not so sure about punishing people based on what I think they did.
6) The people I know who have to make EVERY FUCKING THING a crisis. I'm sorry the search screen on your computer doesn't look the way you want, but the world will not stop because of it...don't come and interrupt what I'm doing. I'm sorry your computer broke...um, we'll fix it, you don't need to dial '911'. These people, it doesn't matter if I'm on the phone, in the bathroom, dead...their problem is the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!! Fuck off.
I'm sure there are people I've missed. I guess my point is, everyone needs to calm the hell down. Maybe have some perspective. I know I lose mine sometimes...I'm not convinced I'm the only one.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Start a new streak...maybe.
So, I missed a day. I didn't forget, I just couldn't think of anything to say, and frankly, didn't much feel like it.
I've been on anti-depressants for about 6 months now. I wish I had gone on them sooner...I might still be married. Regardless, my prescription ran out last week, and I haven't refilled them. Thought maybe I could handle it. Ummm...not so much. The boy's been here since Thursday, though, so it's been okay. But....I think I'll go ahead and refill them.
I've been on anti-depressants for about 6 months now. I wish I had gone on them sooner...I might still be married. Regardless, my prescription ran out last week, and I haven't refilled them. Thought maybe I could handle it. Ummm...not so much. The boy's been here since Thursday, though, so it's been okay. But....I think I'll go ahead and refill them.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
The stranger in the mirror
I added a thought yesterday after I had already posted, and I've been wrapping my head around it. It's not really some great epiphany...I think it's something I knew, just maybe not put all the pieces together and said it out loud before.
I've said before that I have low self-esteem. I'm not sure that's really true. Back in 'the day', I KNOW it wasn't true. I would argue whether or not I was 'cocky' (I most certainly wasn't), but I did possess a certain confidence. I think I've always known my strengths and weaknesses, and I've always tried to 'under-sell and over-deliver', but deep down, I thought I was a pretty good guy. Not great, but pretty good...attractive enough that someone could be seen in public with me, smart enough to be able to win an occasional trivia contest, athletic enough to play a game of weekend basketball, decent enough that I could meet your folks, a good enough sense of humor that you wouldn't be bored on a car trip with me. Not spectacular, but I had a niche, and it worked. I was confident in who I was. I still wasn't the most outgoing of people, and I wasn't one to just walk up to someone and start a conversation, but I knew what worked, and I knew how to get along.
Funny thing is, I still believe all those things about myself (well, maybe except for the athletic part.) So why the crisis of confidence, then? It's not that I no longer believe those things, it's that I don't believe other people see those things in me anymore. Again, it's the wrong way to see things, I know. Especially when I can be so stubborn about things...I don't really give a shit if you don't like my taste in music, or movies, or books, or the fact that I play video games...I like them, and that's that, I don't care what you think about it. But I want you to like ME. I want society to find in me all those things that I see in me.
That's a losing battle if there ever was one. Society doesn't really care about me. That was fine up until a few years ago, because I had SOMEONE who did. Someone who saw all those things in me, and did like me. I had someone who, when I thought about what THEY thought of me, I knew they saw all the good in me that I thought was there. Obviously, I lost that. I lost the reflection of myself that let me know that everything was okay with me. I'm trying to find it in myself, and I find it difficult to see sometimes.
I see it occasionally, though, in my son. He's still at that age where he thinks I can fix anything, that I'm someone he can look up to. But he's getting closer to that point where he'll realize that I'm not perfect, that I make mistakes. That maybe I'm not the role model he wants for his life. We all go through that phase. Some of us, like me, come back around and realize that, failings or not, our father or mother IS someone who we can still pattern ourselves after. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. Regardless, I have to be able to look in the mirror and see what I know is there...and some days, I don't. The person I see is sometimes a stranger that looks vaguely familiar, like a much older, sadder version of someone I used to know. And I miss that guy.
I've said before that I have low self-esteem. I'm not sure that's really true. Back in 'the day', I KNOW it wasn't true. I would argue whether or not I was 'cocky' (I most certainly wasn't), but I did possess a certain confidence. I think I've always known my strengths and weaknesses, and I've always tried to 'under-sell and over-deliver', but deep down, I thought I was a pretty good guy. Not great, but pretty good...attractive enough that someone could be seen in public with me, smart enough to be able to win an occasional trivia contest, athletic enough to play a game of weekend basketball, decent enough that I could meet your folks, a good enough sense of humor that you wouldn't be bored on a car trip with me. Not spectacular, but I had a niche, and it worked. I was confident in who I was. I still wasn't the most outgoing of people, and I wasn't one to just walk up to someone and start a conversation, but I knew what worked, and I knew how to get along.
Funny thing is, I still believe all those things about myself (well, maybe except for the athletic part.) So why the crisis of confidence, then? It's not that I no longer believe those things, it's that I don't believe other people see those things in me anymore. Again, it's the wrong way to see things, I know. Especially when I can be so stubborn about things...I don't really give a shit if you don't like my taste in music, or movies, or books, or the fact that I play video games...I like them, and that's that, I don't care what you think about it. But I want you to like ME. I want society to find in me all those things that I see in me.
That's a losing battle if there ever was one. Society doesn't really care about me. That was fine up until a few years ago, because I had SOMEONE who did. Someone who saw all those things in me, and did like me. I had someone who, when I thought about what THEY thought of me, I knew they saw all the good in me that I thought was there. Obviously, I lost that. I lost the reflection of myself that let me know that everything was okay with me. I'm trying to find it in myself, and I find it difficult to see sometimes.
I see it occasionally, though, in my son. He's still at that age where he thinks I can fix anything, that I'm someone he can look up to. But he's getting closer to that point where he'll realize that I'm not perfect, that I make mistakes. That maybe I'm not the role model he wants for his life. We all go through that phase. Some of us, like me, come back around and realize that, failings or not, our father or mother IS someone who we can still pattern ourselves after. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. Regardless, I have to be able to look in the mirror and see what I know is there...and some days, I don't. The person I see is sometimes a stranger that looks vaguely familiar, like a much older, sadder version of someone I used to know. And I miss that guy.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Enjoy the burrito
I don't have anything nearly as interesting as the spark of yesterday's conversation today. Just some odds and ends to get off my chest.
First, I'm disappointed that my local school levy didn't pass. In most relatively middle to upper-middle class communities, the people who live there got to where they are because they value education. In the past, most of the school levies in this district have passed. I realize times are tough for a lot of people, and that may have had an impact. Unfortunately, this area has seen a lot of rapid growth, and, although, I haven't checked the stats, my guess is that the average price of homes in the area has dropped considerably. More people are moving here that maybe don't have the same philosophy. I could be dead wrong...I don't know. I do know that I moved back to this area not only because it's where I grew up, but it's where I wanted my son to go to school. I moved out of a lower rated district, and into what I thought was a better school district. It may not stay that way, however, and I find that sad.
Related to that, I find it a bit disappointing how much literature I received on the state-wide initiative limiting the power of unions. In fact, I saw local teachers passing out fliers urging people to vote against the initiative, to preserve the rights of union workers....while I think that was an important issue, I think I would have rather have seen them passing out literature concerning the school levy. It seems counter-productive to me to urge voters to protect their rights, including their salaries, while not campaigning just as hard to preserve the jobs and services in their district. Maybe they did...I don't know. I only know what I saw, which was a lot of concern about protecting the unions, and not nearly as much about protecting the school.
Anyway, this news put me in a sour mood. It seemed everywhere I looked today, the news was as bad or worse. I made an effort to avoid it...I can feel myself being pulled into a funk, and don't need one right now. I heard a story that I've heard a version of many times, but it's a trap I still fall into. A guy was talking about how much he liked his lunch, this special burrito. In fact, he liked it so much that he would get a bit sad when he was almost finished, since he wouldn't get another one until the next day. But he was missing the point...he was thinking about it being over, instead of just staying in the moment. Why lessen your enjoyment of the now worrying about the later, or obsessing over the then? "Enjoy the burrito now."
A post-script, something that's been in my head that I need to figure out. I took a look in a mirror earlier, and, for just a split-second, didn't recognize myself. For the briefest time, I saw what others see when they look at me. I think, ultimately, that's the root of my self-esteem issue. It isn't really what I think of me that bothers me...it's what I think YOU think of me, society at large. It shouldn't be that way, really...but I think that's the root of it. It's why I don't like pictures of myself...I'm forced to see me as others do, rather than the image I have of myself. I need to flesh this one out further, but it's been in my head for the last hour or so, and I needed to get it out of there!
First, I'm disappointed that my local school levy didn't pass. In most relatively middle to upper-middle class communities, the people who live there got to where they are because they value education. In the past, most of the school levies in this district have passed. I realize times are tough for a lot of people, and that may have had an impact. Unfortunately, this area has seen a lot of rapid growth, and, although, I haven't checked the stats, my guess is that the average price of homes in the area has dropped considerably. More people are moving here that maybe don't have the same philosophy. I could be dead wrong...I don't know. I do know that I moved back to this area not only because it's where I grew up, but it's where I wanted my son to go to school. I moved out of a lower rated district, and into what I thought was a better school district. It may not stay that way, however, and I find that sad.
Related to that, I find it a bit disappointing how much literature I received on the state-wide initiative limiting the power of unions. In fact, I saw local teachers passing out fliers urging people to vote against the initiative, to preserve the rights of union workers....while I think that was an important issue, I think I would have rather have seen them passing out literature concerning the school levy. It seems counter-productive to me to urge voters to protect their rights, including their salaries, while not campaigning just as hard to preserve the jobs and services in their district. Maybe they did...I don't know. I only know what I saw, which was a lot of concern about protecting the unions, and not nearly as much about protecting the school.
Anyway, this news put me in a sour mood. It seemed everywhere I looked today, the news was as bad or worse. I made an effort to avoid it...I can feel myself being pulled into a funk, and don't need one right now. I heard a story that I've heard a version of many times, but it's a trap I still fall into. A guy was talking about how much he liked his lunch, this special burrito. In fact, he liked it so much that he would get a bit sad when he was almost finished, since he wouldn't get another one until the next day. But he was missing the point...he was thinking about it being over, instead of just staying in the moment. Why lessen your enjoyment of the now worrying about the later, or obsessing over the then? "Enjoy the burrito now."
A post-script, something that's been in my head that I need to figure out. I took a look in a mirror earlier, and, for just a split-second, didn't recognize myself. For the briefest time, I saw what others see when they look at me. I think, ultimately, that's the root of my self-esteem issue. It isn't really what I think of me that bothers me...it's what I think YOU think of me, society at large. It shouldn't be that way, really...but I think that's the root of it. It's why I don't like pictures of myself...I'm forced to see me as others do, rather than the image I have of myself. I need to flesh this one out further, but it's been in my head for the last hour or so, and I needed to get it out of there!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Stones in the ocean
So I made a status update this afternoon about my affect on the world, and got a bit of feedback from someone who I think a lot of, Saleem (I know, I don't usually put names here, but he wanted credit, so he got it!) Basically, the argument broke down like this: I think my effect on the world is very small, and he stated that in actually it could be quite large. I think we're both probably right, but coming at it from two very different perspectives (and from two different places.)
First, let me start out by saying that I think he's right...in a way. If I may be so bold as to try and restate what he's saying (or at least how I understand it), he's taking it as though my actions could have a ripple effect. If I could brighten just three people's days today, and they brightened three each themselves tomorrow, and so on, by the end of the week we could touch the whole world. To me, that's a very positive way to look at it, and would make me feel pretty special, if I could buy in to it.
To me, it's just a different viewpoint. Allow me to try and explain it like this...it's the difference between a calm lake and the ocean. If I drop a stone in a calm lake, the ripples, however faint, will eventually reach the shore. I think that's his viewpoint, and it's a positive one. One man can reach the whole world. As my loyal readers know, however, I'm a bit more negative than that. My view is that we don't live on a lake, we live on an ocean. There are constant waves in everyone's lives, such that it would take a monumental stone for anyone to even notice.
Which brings me back to the point of the post, which isn't really about the waves at all, it's more about the stone. See, I wake up in the morning, commute to work, sit at a desk, come home, blab on facebook, write a blog post, and go to bed. That's pretty much my life. I have my son, and he has me. I have some family, and a few friends. But in the grand scheme of things, what I'm doing here isn't all that important. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but right now, it just is. Other than my son, I just don't feel like the world would be missing much without my contributions. This isn't a pity-party, nor do I buy into the "nobody loves me" bullshit. There are certainly people whose lives would be worse off without me in it. But not drastically so, for the most part. My friends would miss me, my family would mourn me, and my son, regardless of how bad I may be fucking him up, would CERTAINLY be worse off. They'd all move on, however. It's the nature of things...things come, and they go. Nothing is forever. And we all adapt when things are gone.
I think this sounded much more negative than I meant it to be, however. The original thought behind the post was that there really shouldn't be much pressure...out of the 7 billion people in the world, there are only a handful that really matter, and even to them, it's a temporary thing. We should live our lives, be happy as much as we can, try not to do any harm, and let the rest of the world do the same. There's no harm in trying to brighten someone's day...just in case he's right. But instead of getting stressed out over things, I should realize that they're nothing...stones in the ocean. I should focus on MY pond, where the ripples CAN meet the shore...it may be temporary, and it may be small, but it's all that really matters.
First, let me start out by saying that I think he's right...in a way. If I may be so bold as to try and restate what he's saying (or at least how I understand it), he's taking it as though my actions could have a ripple effect. If I could brighten just three people's days today, and they brightened three each themselves tomorrow, and so on, by the end of the week we could touch the whole world. To me, that's a very positive way to look at it, and would make me feel pretty special, if I could buy in to it.
To me, it's just a different viewpoint. Allow me to try and explain it like this...it's the difference between a calm lake and the ocean. If I drop a stone in a calm lake, the ripples, however faint, will eventually reach the shore. I think that's his viewpoint, and it's a positive one. One man can reach the whole world. As my loyal readers know, however, I'm a bit more negative than that. My view is that we don't live on a lake, we live on an ocean. There are constant waves in everyone's lives, such that it would take a monumental stone for anyone to even notice.
Which brings me back to the point of the post, which isn't really about the waves at all, it's more about the stone. See, I wake up in the morning, commute to work, sit at a desk, come home, blab on facebook, write a blog post, and go to bed. That's pretty much my life. I have my son, and he has me. I have some family, and a few friends. But in the grand scheme of things, what I'm doing here isn't all that important. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but right now, it just is. Other than my son, I just don't feel like the world would be missing much without my contributions. This isn't a pity-party, nor do I buy into the "nobody loves me" bullshit. There are certainly people whose lives would be worse off without me in it. But not drastically so, for the most part. My friends would miss me, my family would mourn me, and my son, regardless of how bad I may be fucking him up, would CERTAINLY be worse off. They'd all move on, however. It's the nature of things...things come, and they go. Nothing is forever. And we all adapt when things are gone.
I think this sounded much more negative than I meant it to be, however. The original thought behind the post was that there really shouldn't be much pressure...out of the 7 billion people in the world, there are only a handful that really matter, and even to them, it's a temporary thing. We should live our lives, be happy as much as we can, try not to do any harm, and let the rest of the world do the same. There's no harm in trying to brighten someone's day...just in case he's right. But instead of getting stressed out over things, I should realize that they're nothing...stones in the ocean. I should focus on MY pond, where the ripples CAN meet the shore...it may be temporary, and it may be small, but it's all that really matters.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Dreams
I've heard that we dream in short stretches...just minutes at a time. But when you're in a dream, time seems to stretch on for what can seem like hours. I wonder, if you could sleep long enough, and dream the whole time, could you live another life in your dreams? And since it was dream, you'd have some semblance of control over it? If this could happen, would you want to wake up?
I've had a weird relationship with dreams. When I was about 12, I had the same dream every night for over a week...I was older, about my mid-20's, and was in an alley. I was getting mugged, and when I pulled out my wallet, I was stabbed in the stomach. I spent my teens convinced I wouldn't live past the age of 26. When I was diagnosed with colitis at 17, I thought that was it. Colitis almost killed my father, and I went to the same doctor he did. I was the youngest patient he had diagnosed with it by 7 or 8 years. I remember him saying that it was extremely rare to have the problems I was having at such a young age. I cried when I got home from that appointment...I was sure that was what was going to kill me, and what the dream meant. I wasn't going to get stabbed, I was going to die of a 'stomach' ailment.
There were a couple times in my twenties when I thought that it might come true. One time in particular was over Christmas, shortly after my ex-wife and I moved in together. It was the worst my colitis ever got...I was on the verge of bleeding so much that she wanted to take me to the hospital. My doctor called in some medicine (prednisone...works like a charm, but makes me CRAZY. Like, sitting on the edge of the bed, bawling my eyes out for no reason, then screaming, then laughing crazy), and I got better. Haven't really had many problems with it since then...certainly nothing that bad. I'm not naive to think it's not going to happen again, though. It's a disease that goes into remission, but it'll be back. Just a matter of time.
Back to the point. Most of the time, I don't remember my dreams. Occasionally, I'll have one that is so vivid, so weird that I will remember it, but most of the time, they just come and are gone. I've had some wonderful dreams that I've remembered, though...and when it's my time, I hope I'm having one of those. And it'll stretch on, and on...
I've had a weird relationship with dreams. When I was about 12, I had the same dream every night for over a week...I was older, about my mid-20's, and was in an alley. I was getting mugged, and when I pulled out my wallet, I was stabbed in the stomach. I spent my teens convinced I wouldn't live past the age of 26. When I was diagnosed with colitis at 17, I thought that was it. Colitis almost killed my father, and I went to the same doctor he did. I was the youngest patient he had diagnosed with it by 7 or 8 years. I remember him saying that it was extremely rare to have the problems I was having at such a young age. I cried when I got home from that appointment...I was sure that was what was going to kill me, and what the dream meant. I wasn't going to get stabbed, I was going to die of a 'stomach' ailment.
There were a couple times in my twenties when I thought that it might come true. One time in particular was over Christmas, shortly after my ex-wife and I moved in together. It was the worst my colitis ever got...I was on the verge of bleeding so much that she wanted to take me to the hospital. My doctor called in some medicine (prednisone...works like a charm, but makes me CRAZY. Like, sitting on the edge of the bed, bawling my eyes out for no reason, then screaming, then laughing crazy), and I got better. Haven't really had many problems with it since then...certainly nothing that bad. I'm not naive to think it's not going to happen again, though. It's a disease that goes into remission, but it'll be back. Just a matter of time.
Back to the point. Most of the time, I don't remember my dreams. Occasionally, I'll have one that is so vivid, so weird that I will remember it, but most of the time, they just come and are gone. I've had some wonderful dreams that I've remembered, though...and when it's my time, I hope I'm having one of those. And it'll stretch on, and on...
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Empty house
I've been thinking today about being alone. I've said many times that I'm not really afraid of dying alone, and that's true. I think dying will be a pretty personal experience, and although it would be nice to pass on surrounded by my loved ones and all that, on the other hand I'd like for them to think of me in happier times, not on my deathbed.
Living alone, though...that's something else. I don't necessarily like to live alone. I'm a bit of a loner at heart, but it's nice to know someone's got your back, right? It hits me when I'm sick...no one has my back right now. Sure, I have friends that would help me if I asked for it, but right now, there's no one around to help me if I need it. Up until I got divorced, that was never the case....I went straight from living with my parents to living with my wife. Even until recently, my father was around. My family has all moved away, I'm single, and it's all up to me. That's pretty scary sometimes. If I fall down the stairs, choke on a pretzel, cut myself...no one's going to find me for a couple of days, at least.
That's not to say that the fear of being alone should force me or any one else to stay in a bad situation. No, being alone sucks, but being miserable even with someone else sucks too. Sometimes being alone is preferable. But being in a good situation with someone else would be better. I'm jealous of those people that have found their 'one.' I'll never have a 50th wedding anniversary. Dying alone will be fine...living alone isn't always that much fun.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
A day with the boy
So, the flu turns into a sinus infection. This is what happened last year, and it took me almost two months to finally kill it. I swear, I need new sinuses.
Short weekend with the boy. He went to a birthday party earlier today, to which I wasn't invited. Not a big deal, as I'm going to get extra time with him next weekend, and then we're going on vacation together in a few weeks. I do hate the short weekends, though. It's nice to have some time to myself, but I miss him.
We went to a 'sell Star Wars books' event this morning. It was kind of cool...they gave door prizes and had a trivia contest, and I got some pictures of the boy with some Star Wars characters. The trivia contest was interesting...I have no doubt that he could have answered every single question if they had let him. He won two prizes as it was, since no one else was able to answer one of the questions. Maybe I should cut down on the Star Wars stuff?
What made me proud was how polite he was, especially compared to some of the other kids. Where their parents were telling them to be quiet, or keep their hands to themselves, my boy sat there politely, raised his hand, and said please and thank you. Not going to get him a scholarship or anything, but it's certainly nice to see!
Short weekend with the boy. He went to a birthday party earlier today, to which I wasn't invited. Not a big deal, as I'm going to get extra time with him next weekend, and then we're going on vacation together in a few weeks. I do hate the short weekends, though. It's nice to have some time to myself, but I miss him.
We went to a 'sell Star Wars books' event this morning. It was kind of cool...they gave door prizes and had a trivia contest, and I got some pictures of the boy with some Star Wars characters. The trivia contest was interesting...I have no doubt that he could have answered every single question if they had let him. He won two prizes as it was, since no one else was able to answer one of the questions. Maybe I should cut down on the Star Wars stuff?
What made me proud was how polite he was, especially compared to some of the other kids. Where their parents were telling them to be quiet, or keep their hands to themselves, my boy sat there politely, raised his hand, and said please and thank you. Not going to get him a scholarship or anything, but it's certainly nice to see!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Day three...
Don't really have much to say tonight. Still feeling like crap. It's one thing to be sick during the week...gives me an excuse to work from home, which, while still work, does let me avoid actually seeing some of them. It's a completely different thing to be sick on the weekend, though. Ugh.
I'll get through it. Taking the boy to some Star Wars thing in the morning. Me, my coffee, and a metric shit-ton of drugs, most likely. But he'll enjoy it, and I want to make him happy. After that, I think the rest of the weekend will be spent lying around watching movies and praying that this thing passes. Soon.
I'll get through it. Taking the boy to some Star Wars thing in the morning. Me, my coffee, and a metric shit-ton of drugs, most likely. But he'll enjoy it, and I want to make him happy. After that, I think the rest of the weekend will be spent lying around watching movies and praying that this thing passes. Soon.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
A lame excuse is better than no excuse?
Yes, I'm *still* sick. I hate being sick...I know, I'm such a baby. There are people living with all kinds of disease and illness, getting busy with their lives. Me? A serious cold or the flu will absolutely lay me out.
I do have a bit of an excuse, lame as it may be. I have ulcerative colitis. It's a disease where my body treats my large intestine as an invader. From what I understand, when my body senses something it should be fighting, it instead spends its resources attacking my colon. In addition to the problems that causes on it's own, it means I get sick more, and when I get sick, it takes me longer to get over it. I'm supposed to take medicine to help with this, but I don't...in fact, I haven't treated it in almost 12 years. I know, I know...but I kind of figure if I don't go looking for trouble, I won't find any, right? Going to the doctor will mean that I will have to have a colonoscopy, which I hate. And it may find problems that I don't want to find. So I don't go.
Instead, I get sick. And it makes me miserable. My body will eventually get it's shit together (bad pun) and fight it off. Until then, it's more NyQuil for me. Ugh.
I do have a bit of an excuse, lame as it may be. I have ulcerative colitis. It's a disease where my body treats my large intestine as an invader. From what I understand, when my body senses something it should be fighting, it instead spends its resources attacking my colon. In addition to the problems that causes on it's own, it means I get sick more, and when I get sick, it takes me longer to get over it. I'm supposed to take medicine to help with this, but I don't...in fact, I haven't treated it in almost 12 years. I know, I know...but I kind of figure if I don't go looking for trouble, I won't find any, right? Going to the doctor will mean that I will have to have a colonoscopy, which I hate. And it may find problems that I don't want to find. So I don't go.
Instead, I get sick. And it makes me miserable. My body will eventually get it's shit together (bad pun) and fight it off. Until then, it's more NyQuil for me. Ugh.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Still sick
Still sick. Miserably sick. But, it could be worse...I can move around, and I could probably eat if I got up off my ass and did so. I really just want to stay here in bed with the covers up over my head, though. Maybe later...
This does remind me of something I've mentioned before, but probably need to go into more detail about. Right now, I feel horrible. I know, intellectually, that a couple days ago, I felt great. And that a couple days from now, I'll be back to my old self as well. But I can't say I 'remember' feeling well. I know that I did. My body seems to have forgotten how that feels, however. It knows how it feels now, which is poor.
Depression is often like that, too. When I get depressed, I know intellectually that I wasn't always that way, and that I won't always feel that way, but when I'm in the middle of it, I only know how I feel THEN. At that point, it's up to my mind to overcome my feelings. To remind myself, that just like being sick now, it's a temporary problem that will go away. There might be things I can do to help it along, but it's a sickness that will pass, and I can't always just flip a switch and make it go away. Sometimes, you just have to wait it out.
My mind and body do very well telling me when things aren't going well. They don't do quite as good a job telling me when they are...which is when my intellect has to take over.
This does remind me of something I've mentioned before, but probably need to go into more detail about. Right now, I feel horrible. I know, intellectually, that a couple days ago, I felt great. And that a couple days from now, I'll be back to my old self as well. But I can't say I 'remember' feeling well. I know that I did. My body seems to have forgotten how that feels, however. It knows how it feels now, which is poor.
Depression is often like that, too. When I get depressed, I know intellectually that I wasn't always that way, and that I won't always feel that way, but when I'm in the middle of it, I only know how I feel THEN. At that point, it's up to my mind to overcome my feelings. To remind myself, that just like being sick now, it's a temporary problem that will go away. There might be things I can do to help it along, but it's a sickness that will pass, and I can't always just flip a switch and make it go away. Sometimes, you just have to wait it out.
My mind and body do very well telling me when things aren't going well. They don't do quite as good a job telling me when they are...which is when my intellect has to take over.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Sick
This isn't what I had planned on writing today, but sometimes I just have to go with the flow. I'm sick. There are very few things I like less in this world than being sick. I don't handle it well...I just want to go to sleep until it's over.
I've always felt that getting sick shoves my mortality in my face. Every time I'm sick, I feel like I die a little. I recover, and in some ways my body is stronger than before. But mentally, I've stared down the barrel of the gun of life. One day, something is going to claim me. Statistically speaking, it's going to be some disease or illness. Probably not this one (although this has all the signs of being a hell of a cold, if not worse, I don't think it'll be deadly), but some day, I'm going to get hit with something I'm not going to recover from.
That's not really the way I want to go out...being sick, feeling like a shit, then that's it. Of course, if I didn't feel like shit, I'm not going to want to go at all. As bad as I've felt at various points in my life, I've never felt enough physical or emotional pain that made me want to completely check out. Run away, yes. I've even thought about ending it. It's never been about ending it, though...just avoiding the pain. If something else doesn't get me first, there's a good chance that I'm come across something where the only way to avoid the pain will be to check out for good. Although I have faith that there's a God, I'm not so sure about the rest of it...certainly not sure enough to be looking forward to it.
This one doesn't appear to 'The One', though. So, cold meds and NyQuil until I recover...physically, anyway.
I've always felt that getting sick shoves my mortality in my face. Every time I'm sick, I feel like I die a little. I recover, and in some ways my body is stronger than before. But mentally, I've stared down the barrel of the gun of life. One day, something is going to claim me. Statistically speaking, it's going to be some disease or illness. Probably not this one (although this has all the signs of being a hell of a cold, if not worse, I don't think it'll be deadly), but some day, I'm going to get hit with something I'm not going to recover from.
That's not really the way I want to go out...being sick, feeling like a shit, then that's it. Of course, if I didn't feel like shit, I'm not going to want to go at all. As bad as I've felt at various points in my life, I've never felt enough physical or emotional pain that made me want to completely check out. Run away, yes. I've even thought about ending it. It's never been about ending it, though...just avoiding the pain. If something else doesn't get me first, there's a good chance that I'm come across something where the only way to avoid the pain will be to check out for good. Although I have faith that there's a God, I'm not so sure about the rest of it...certainly not sure enough to be looking forward to it.
This one doesn't appear to 'The One', though. So, cold meds and NyQuil until I recover...physically, anyway.
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