Back on the horse

It's been over a week since I last checked in because I was on vacation. I tried to take a vacation from everything...no work, very little facebook, very few e-mails. Tried to leave my problems behind, and just enjoy it. Here's what I learned on vacation.

First, I REALLY miss having family around. Where I'm at now, I don't really have any family, and very few friends who would miss me if I wasn't here. I spent the week with my father, step-mother, my brother and his family. It was nice to know that, if just for a little while, there was someone there who I could lean on a bit.

Second, I didn't find it all that difficult to just shake off my problems and leave them here. Sure, they were waiting for me when I got back, but once removed from my environment, it seemed pretty easy to just leave them behind. Makes me think that there really is a chance I could start over if I so desired.

Third, I'm lonelier here than I thought. I spent most every day with my family, and if I was there today, I'd be spending today with them, too. Like I said, it's just nice to have someone around.

Fourth, I LOVE my boy. This was the first time that he and I took an extended vacation together, and wow...I'm not taking credit for any it. He's just a really, really good kid. He did his best to help me, and we had a lot of fun this week. He's not perfect, but damn, am I lucky.

I had a birthday while I was on vacation. My nieces and nephew made me presents, and my sister-in-law made me cupcakes. It was wonderful. The truth is, though, I don't like my birthday. I've lived 12 years longer than I thought I would, and probably 7 years longer than I should have. Seven years ago, everything was great...I had a good job, a family, and my family was still around. In the last seven years, I've caused me and those around me a lot of pain. I'm closer to 40 now, and I still have no idea where I'm going, or how to get there. I want things to CHANGE, but much like the 'hope and change' of the last election, I'm not exactly sure what that means. I feel like I'm waiting...waiting for everything to fall into place. I know that's not going to happen, but I can't help...hoping.