One of my favorite sayings is that when you feel like you're in a dark period of your life, to remember that it's not a hole that you're in, it's a tunnel. The idea is that you can get past it, that there's light on the other side. It's one of those things that I spout off when I'm talking to someone and trying to raise their spirits. And I genuinely mean it.
For them. For me, it's a damn hole sometimes. It's a trap that I fall in, and have to climb like hell to get out. The saddest part is that I'M the one digging the fucking thing. Nobody does this to me...I do it to me. And although I try not to do it, I just can't seem to stop sometimes.
This morning, I woke up in a fairly positive mood. I've got a lot of things going on that are quite frankly stressing me out, but it's okay...this morning, I could handle it. I felt good about myself. Then, I had a meeting with my boss's boss. I'm not going to go into details (since I don't know who exactly is reading this), but it should have been flattering. He was asking my opinion on something, something that I should have had no opinion on at all. He didn't have to...in fact, he probably shouldn't have. But he was actually interested in what I had to say, and knew I'd be honest with him. So how did I turn this around? I started worrying about the impact of our conversation on me down the road, things I can't control. I kicked myself for what I said, things I can't change. I turned it into a negative.
I am constantly worrying about things I've said or done, and beating myself up over it. Flirting with a girl? Idiot...you know she's not interested. Not asking a girl I'm interested in out? Coward...that's the reason you're alone. Having some unexpected problem pop up? Moron...you should have thought of that before and been ready. Have something not get done? Worthless...anybody could have done that, and done it better.
Now I know that I'm being too hard on myself. I wish I could be that cool guy in the movie, the slacker that's always having fun and doesn't have a care in the world. I don't know how to let things go. It's one of my greatest strengths...it makes me loyal, dependable, someone who IS able to get things done. But it's also one of my biggest weaknesses...nobody can destroy me like I can. And unfortunately, I'm really, really good at it.
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