Empty house

I've been thinking today about being alone. I've said many times that I'm not really afraid of dying alone, and that's true. I think dying will be a pretty personal experience, and although it would be nice to pass on surrounded by my loved ones and all that, on the other hand I'd like for them to think of me in happier times, not on my deathbed. 

Living alone, though...that's something else. I don't necessarily like to live alone. I'm a bit of a loner at heart, but it's nice to know someone's got your back, right? It hits me when I'm sick...no one has my back right now. Sure, I have friends that would help me if I asked for it, but right now, there's no one around to help me if I need it. Up until I got divorced, that was never the case....I went straight from living with my parents to living with my wife. Even until recently, my father was around. My family has all moved away, I'm single, and it's all up to me. That's pretty scary sometimes. If I fall down the stairs, choke on a pretzel, cut myself...no one's going to find me for a couple of days, at least.

That's not to say that the fear of being alone should force me or any one else to stay in a bad situation. No, being alone sucks, but being miserable even with someone else sucks too. Sometimes being alone is preferable. But being in a good situation with someone else would be better. I'm jealous of those people that have found their 'one.' I'll never have a 50th wedding anniversary. Dying alone will be fine...living alone isn't always that much fun.