One of the worst parts about my current situation is something I've already discussed, how there really isn't any one for me to call if I need help. I take medicine for muscle spasms...sometimes they get so bad that the entire muscle will lock up. It'll look like I have a baseball growing out of my back. Although it usually occurs in my back, it will happen in other muscles as well.
Tonight, I had one in my chest. My left shoulder is killing me. Every time this happens, the first thought I have is 'pain down my left arm and in my chest, must be a heart attack.' I dismiss the thought fairly quickly...I don't REALLY think it's a heart attack. But I've never had one, so I don't have any idea what it will feel like if I do. I had a vision of me calling an ambulance for help and being taken to the hospital. Then what? Who would call my work to let them know I wouldn't be in? Who would lock up my house? I'd have to call my ex-wife and let her know, since I wouldn't be able to pick up my son, but I'm no longer her responsibility. She has her own life. Would I just get on facebook sometime at the hospital and tell people? Or maybe report it here? To what end?
Maybe it's just the time of year, or maybe my recent vacation has just brought it into more focus. Holidays aren't much fun right now. I'm sure this will change, or I'll at least get used to it. In the meantime, I hope I don't have a heart attack.
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