This is one that I've been putting off for a while, but it's probably long overdue, and deserved (especially considering the last one I put up.) I took that one down...something that I don't do, but it was hurtful and I wrote it in a really bad state of mind. My girlfriend and I had just broken up, and it wasn't exactly a friendly break-up...she did some things to hurt me, I did some things (including the blog post) to hurt her, and we both, unfortunately, succeeded. That's the way things go sometimes, I suppose. I wasn't proud of it, though, and I didn't want to just leave it up as a reminder of how pissed off I was.
I don't want to get into a huge post about why things happened the way they did...I'm not sure that will serve either one of us well. We had had a rough relationship in parts...both of us had let our insecurities get the better of us at times, and neither one of us were very happy. She wanted more from me emotionally, and I needed her to be a little more independent. She felt like I wasn't plugged in, and I felt like I was being leaned on too much. Given some of the circumstances we were facing, it's not surprising that it happened the way it did.
But here's the thing...there's a core there. If you look back at some of my posts about this time last year, you can see how excited I was to meet her. I thought she was beautiful, funny, and she laughed at my jokes. I was so excited. But she was in a bad spot, trying to get back on her feet. And I'm still trying to figure out what I am, post-divorce. I felt like I still needed my space, time to enjoy what I had worked so hard to get. She needed security, and to not feel alone.
After the break-up, it only took a couple of days for us to realize what we'd done. I had withdrawn from the relationship, and she had pushed too hard. I think, in that time, we both recognized that we could do better, try a little harder, and come to a compromise that made each other happy while still maintaining our own happiness. So we agreed to do something that I'm not always a big fan of...try again. My feeling has always been that if it didn't work the first time, why waste time going through it again? Sometimes people just aren't meant to be together.
My problem here, though, was that I wasn't sure if we were or not...I had never given it the fair chance that I should have. I knew that I loved her, cared for her, wanted to be with her. I thought she felt the same way. We had both learned a lot more about what the other one needed...I needed to be more open and affectionate, and make her feel more secure. She needed to give me my space, and let things happen naturally without pushing so hard.
So here we are. And things have been going very well...I'm very happy, and she seems to be as well. I don't believe in fate, nor do I believe in trying to predict the future. We're still going to have issues, and we're going to face some of the same things that troubled us in the past. If I think about it too much, I start to worry about what's going to happen...how long can she handle living like this? What if I'm still not ready? What happens when I get in one of my 'moods' (depression can be a bitch sometimes)? Can I still make her happy? The key, then, is to NOT THINK. Today, I'm very, very happy. I have a partner, some one I can lean on. I have the freedom to figure out who I am as I re-shape myself. I'm trying very hard to give her what she needs, as well. To let her know that I'm always here, even when I'm not sitting next to her. To allow her to realize that she's so much stronger than she ever thought, but that she's never alone. To let her know she's loved, and to allow us both to learn to trust each other more. We're allowing our relationship to grow...to build the foundation that we tried to build in the first place, but due to circumstances and fears, we were unable to lay down.
Most of the time, life doesn't give you a second chance to try again. And although we can't start from scratch, we can re-build. The core of the relationship, our feelings for one another, are strong enough to make it worth the effort. I can't predict where we go from here, but I can certainly be happy that I'm 'here' in the first place. And I am...THAT is for certain.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Politics (and stuff)
I've found it very interesting lately on facebook to see how much some of my friends are in to politics, and which side they come down on. It's not quite a 50-50 split, but it's close. The 'democrats' are a little more vocal, posting links and stories, while the 'republicans' show up more with just a 'like' on a particular candidate or issue. But there has been some arguing I've seen, which surprises me a bit.
Here's my deal...the world, to me, is not black and white. It's usually varying shades of gray. I'm not a republican or a democrat. Neither side truly describes what I believe. If I had to classify myself, which I seem to often have to do, it would be libertarian...let everyone live their life and have government stay the hell out of it as much as possible. But I don't agree with everything they say, either.
There are so many of these arguments that I see, and to be completely honest with you, I find them rather petty. Android vs Apple. PC vs Mac. Coke vs Pepsi. PlayStation vs X Box. McDonald's vs Burger King. Country vs Rap. Blonds vs Brunettes. And Democrat vs Republican. On and on and on.
I just don't understand it. I personally like my Android phone...doesn't mean I have to chastise you for liking your iPhone. I play games on my PlayStation 3...X Box has some great games, too. I like rap AND country (and pop, and metal, and show tunes...in case you're keeping track.) And, although I disagree with some of the policies of the current president, it doesn't mean that I hate him or think he's trying to destroy America. I don't agree with Romney, either. I believe both men are qualified, or else they wouldn't have made it this far, and both are trying to do what's right for the country. I just have to make the best choice I can for the one who seems to think the most like I do.
It's not to say that I don't get caught up in it, too, though. It's the same way with sports...I hate the University of Florida. Why? Because I'm a Tennessee fan, and that's their rival. If I were a Texas fan, I'd hate Oklahoma. But I realize it's irrational...just rooting for laundry. And it's acceptable, at least in my circle. I know I'm going to take shit from my friends when Ohio State plays Tennessee...and it's fun. There's not the animosity that seems to be prevalent with so many of the items that I see argued about.
But what really pisses me off is that so many of the arguments are "this is why your choice sucks." I find this annoying, and I tune it out. So many of the posts, especially about politics, are "this is why you shouldn't vote for Obama" or "this is why Romney sucks." This is a piss poor tactic in any debate...if you're trying to change my mind about something, the WORST way to do it is by insulting a choice I've already made. Tell me why you like your decision, try to persuade me, and I'll listen, at least for a bit. Call me an idiot, even indirectly, and my thought immediately becomes "kiss my ass" rather than "maybe you're right."
I don't know...maybe I should be taking more of a stand on things, feel more of a conviction. Or, maybe we should all stop making everything an "us vs them" proposition, and listen a bit more. Maybe we'd find that we have more in common than what we think.
Here's my deal...the world, to me, is not black and white. It's usually varying shades of gray. I'm not a republican or a democrat. Neither side truly describes what I believe. If I had to classify myself, which I seem to often have to do, it would be libertarian...let everyone live their life and have government stay the hell out of it as much as possible. But I don't agree with everything they say, either.
There are so many of these arguments that I see, and to be completely honest with you, I find them rather petty. Android vs Apple. PC vs Mac. Coke vs Pepsi. PlayStation vs X Box. McDonald's vs Burger King. Country vs Rap. Blonds vs Brunettes. And Democrat vs Republican. On and on and on.
I just don't understand it. I personally like my Android phone...doesn't mean I have to chastise you for liking your iPhone. I play games on my PlayStation 3...X Box has some great games, too. I like rap AND country (and pop, and metal, and show tunes...in case you're keeping track.) And, although I disagree with some of the policies of the current president, it doesn't mean that I hate him or think he's trying to destroy America. I don't agree with Romney, either. I believe both men are qualified, or else they wouldn't have made it this far, and both are trying to do what's right for the country. I just have to make the best choice I can for the one who seems to think the most like I do.
It's not to say that I don't get caught up in it, too, though. It's the same way with sports...I hate the University of Florida. Why? Because I'm a Tennessee fan, and that's their rival. If I were a Texas fan, I'd hate Oklahoma. But I realize it's irrational...just rooting for laundry. And it's acceptable, at least in my circle. I know I'm going to take shit from my friends when Ohio State plays Tennessee...and it's fun. There's not the animosity that seems to be prevalent with so many of the items that I see argued about.
But what really pisses me off is that so many of the arguments are "this is why your choice sucks." I find this annoying, and I tune it out. So many of the posts, especially about politics, are "this is why you shouldn't vote for Obama" or "this is why Romney sucks." This is a piss poor tactic in any debate...if you're trying to change my mind about something, the WORST way to do it is by insulting a choice I've already made. Tell me why you like your decision, try to persuade me, and I'll listen, at least for a bit. Call me an idiot, even indirectly, and my thought immediately becomes "kiss my ass" rather than "maybe you're right."
I don't know...maybe I should be taking more of a stand on things, feel more of a conviction. Or, maybe we should all stop making everything an "us vs them" proposition, and listen a bit more. Maybe we'd find that we have more in common than what we think.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Truth
Another post that I've been working on for a while...trying to finish them up.
What is truth? It seems like a simple concept...it's what really happened, right? Here's the dictionary definition:
I guess I'm looking more at the second definition. "That which is true or accordance with fact or reality." Again, seems easy enough. But the world that surrounds us seems to have such a difficult time with it, and I'm often stuck trying to figure out just what is "true."
We're faced with people who will just flat-out lie to your face. There are people who tell 'white lies', stretching the truth as far as they can without breaking it. There's lying by omission, where you don't outright lie, but don't tell the whole story. There's 'spin', a combination of white lies and/or lying by omission, where you're only telling the side of the story you want heard, not the 'whole truth.' And so many more.
There are also those people that lie to themselves. That's bad, but I don't find it nearly as troubling as those who are such good liars, even to themselves, that they start believing there own lies, so much that they can forget what the truth really is. I have a truly difficult time with them...if they don't know the truth, how can they tell ME the truth?
And how much of the 'truth' really is THE TRUTH? I think there's a large portion of truth that is my perception, rather than what is or is not. I walk in on my son, my cat, and a broken lamp (not really...just fashioning an example.) It is almost certain that the 'truth' to me is going to be that my son broke it. Now, I have a pretty honest boy, and I don't catch him lying to me often. If he tells me he didn't, I'd be inclined to believe him. But he also doesn't like being in trouble, so he has incentive to lie. If he tells me that he doesn't know how it was broken, what is "the truth?" At that point, it's likely that it's going to be whatever I decide it is, taking in as much information as I have.
So...the truth is that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality. But we rarely have all the information...we have that which we are told, and that which we observe, and our best guess. Truth seems to me to be subjective, most of the time. This is something I need to consider when trying to figure things out...there are times when I've been lied to, or the truth has been stretched or spun, or I'm not hearing the whole story, either because it's being willfully left out, or the speaker truly believes it themselves. There is also my perception, and what I decide. The media almost always has SOME agenda, some story they're trying to get across.
With all that to consider, is there any way to really know THE TRUTH, other than just deciding that it is whatever I think it is?
What is truth? It seems like a simple concept...it's what really happened, right? Here's the dictionary definition:
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I guess I'm looking more at the second definition. "That which is true or accordance with fact or reality." Again, seems easy enough. But the world that surrounds us seems to have such a difficult time with it, and I'm often stuck trying to figure out just what is "true."
We're faced with people who will just flat-out lie to your face. There are people who tell 'white lies', stretching the truth as far as they can without breaking it. There's lying by omission, where you don't outright lie, but don't tell the whole story. There's 'spin', a combination of white lies and/or lying by omission, where you're only telling the side of the story you want heard, not the 'whole truth.' And so many more.
There are also those people that lie to themselves. That's bad, but I don't find it nearly as troubling as those who are such good liars, even to themselves, that they start believing there own lies, so much that they can forget what the truth really is. I have a truly difficult time with them...if they don't know the truth, how can they tell ME the truth?
And how much of the 'truth' really is THE TRUTH? I think there's a large portion of truth that is my perception, rather than what is or is not. I walk in on my son, my cat, and a broken lamp (not really...just fashioning an example.) It is almost certain that the 'truth' to me is going to be that my son broke it. Now, I have a pretty honest boy, and I don't catch him lying to me often. If he tells me he didn't, I'd be inclined to believe him. But he also doesn't like being in trouble, so he has incentive to lie. If he tells me that he doesn't know how it was broken, what is "the truth?" At that point, it's likely that it's going to be whatever I decide it is, taking in as much information as I have.
So...the truth is that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality. But we rarely have all the information...we have that which we are told, and that which we observe, and our best guess. Truth seems to me to be subjective, most of the time. This is something I need to consider when trying to figure things out...there are times when I've been lied to, or the truth has been stretched or spun, or I'm not hearing the whole story, either because it's being willfully left out, or the speaker truly believes it themselves. There is also my perception, and what I decide. The media almost always has SOME agenda, some story they're trying to get across.
With all that to consider, is there any way to really know THE TRUTH, other than just deciding that it is whatever I think it is?
Reunion
I started writing this post shortly after I went to my twenty year reunion, but never finished it. I've got a couple like that...ideas and thoughts that I've begun, but haven't fleshed out enough to finish posting. I'm going to try and do so. Anyway, here's my thoughts on my reunion.
I recently went to my twenty year high school reunion. I was scared to death to go, and really wasn't sure if I would until I turned on the road to go to the place it was at. And had there been anywhere to turn around, I STILL might not have ended up there. But once I made the turn, I was pretty much stuck.
Let me jump to the end a bit...I was really glad I went. Although it turned out a bit like I was afraid of (more of that in a moment), I did get to see and talk to a lot of people whom I missed, even if I didn't know I did until I saw them. I also met some new people, had some conversations, and generally enjoyed myself.
So why was I scared? I never really considered myself part of the 'in' crowd...or the 'out' crowd, for that matter. I was fairly well known in school, and I knew a lot of people, but there weren't that many that I was 'close' to. I had friends, got invited to parties, and don't believe I ever missed a dance because I didn't have a date, but still...I wasn't part of any of the 'cliques.' My fear was that I would show up, not be recognized by many people, or worse, be recognized and ignored. That I would be like I was in school...people would say hello, then move on.
And that happened, to a large degree. Most of the 'cool' kids hung out together. There were lots of hugs and pictures, stories told of the good ol' days, and catching up done on everybody's life now. I was mostly on the sidelines, watching the people go by, occasionally shaking a hand or getting a hug, but mostly just watching.
That was okay, though...a lot better than I thought it was going to be. And while the party was going on inside and on the terrace, I was down by the parking lot hanging out, talking with people who I hadn't seen in years (or had just met.) It was a great time.
I felt a bit like an outsider, but I was ultimately fine with it. I did what you do at reunions...I caught up with a few people, hung out, saw how some of my old crushes turned out (very well, for the record), and actually had a really good time. I'll probably debate going to the next one just like I did this one...but I don't think I'll try to talk myself out of it quite as much. We've turned out well, BHS class of '92. Thanks for the memories.
I recently went to my twenty year high school reunion. I was scared to death to go, and really wasn't sure if I would until I turned on the road to go to the place it was at. And had there been anywhere to turn around, I STILL might not have ended up there. But once I made the turn, I was pretty much stuck.
Let me jump to the end a bit...I was really glad I went. Although it turned out a bit like I was afraid of (more of that in a moment), I did get to see and talk to a lot of people whom I missed, even if I didn't know I did until I saw them. I also met some new people, had some conversations, and generally enjoyed myself.
So why was I scared? I never really considered myself part of the 'in' crowd...or the 'out' crowd, for that matter. I was fairly well known in school, and I knew a lot of people, but there weren't that many that I was 'close' to. I had friends, got invited to parties, and don't believe I ever missed a dance because I didn't have a date, but still...I wasn't part of any of the 'cliques.' My fear was that I would show up, not be recognized by many people, or worse, be recognized and ignored. That I would be like I was in school...people would say hello, then move on.
And that happened, to a large degree. Most of the 'cool' kids hung out together. There were lots of hugs and pictures, stories told of the good ol' days, and catching up done on everybody's life now. I was mostly on the sidelines, watching the people go by, occasionally shaking a hand or getting a hug, but mostly just watching.
That was okay, though...a lot better than I thought it was going to be. And while the party was going on inside and on the terrace, I was down by the parking lot hanging out, talking with people who I hadn't seen in years (or had just met.) It was a great time.
I felt a bit like an outsider, but I was ultimately fine with it. I did what you do at reunions...I caught up with a few people, hung out, saw how some of my old crushes turned out (very well, for the record), and actually had a really good time. I'll probably debate going to the next one just like I did this one...but I don't think I'll try to talk myself out of it quite as much. We've turned out well, BHS class of '92. Thanks for the memories.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Decisions
Feeling a little in 'flux' today. Dealing with my insecurities, and doing my best to keep a level head. I'm not typically one to make snap decisions...I like to think things out and make sure I'm making the best moves for me. I have been accused of over-thinking things, and while I'm certain that's true, it doesn't mean that it's always a bad move.
It's a double-edged sword, of course. I can certainly over-think myself into a corner...paralysis by analysis I've heard it called. I'm certain that this trait has caused me to miss some opportunities that maybe I would have taken, and who knows how that could have turned out? Maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing to myself.
On the other hand, by not making snap decisions and trying to think things out, I can't very well shift the blame, either. I'm responsible for my actions because I thought about them before I made them. My life, where it's been and where it's headed, is mine. Although the decisions I've made haven't always worked out the way I've wanted them to, that doesn't mean I made the wrong one...shit happens. But I made the best one I could at the time with the information I had.
A bad outcome doesn't make a decision bad or good...only making a poorly informed decision makes it a bad one. I stand by my decisions, both bad and good...and I'll do my best to keep making the best ones I can.
It's a double-edged sword, of course. I can certainly over-think myself into a corner...paralysis by analysis I've heard it called. I'm certain that this trait has caused me to miss some opportunities that maybe I would have taken, and who knows how that could have turned out? Maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing to myself.
On the other hand, by not making snap decisions and trying to think things out, I can't very well shift the blame, either. I'm responsible for my actions because I thought about them before I made them. My life, where it's been and where it's headed, is mine. Although the decisions I've made haven't always worked out the way I've wanted them to, that doesn't mean I made the wrong one...shit happens. But I made the best one I could at the time with the information I had.
A bad outcome doesn't make a decision bad or good...only making a poorly informed decision makes it a bad one. I stand by my decisions, both bad and good...and I'll do my best to keep making the best ones I can.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Feeling old
Three months, huh? Long time to go without talking to myself. To be fair, though, I talk to myself all the time. I just haven't taken the time to write it all down.
I'm feeling very old today. It hasn't been a very last couple of days...woke up with an abscessed tooth on Saturday which I got pulled, found out yesterday that my back is in slightly worse shape than I thought it was, and I'm generally just dissatisfied with what I'm doing.
I complain a lot on facebook about people that tick me off, and after thinking it through a bit, it basically comes down to two things: people acting like children, and people being stupid. I can't stand either one of those things...it drives me nuts.
I don't really have a problem with children acting like children, nor do I have a problem with those that are "young at heart." I have a problem with adults that don't handle their responsibilities, that throw temper tantrums, that expect others to 'fix' everything for them. My job is to fix things, and if it's legitimately broken, then so be it. But it's not my job to fix every little thing that you don't like, or messes that you've created for yourself. I'm sorry that you tried to take a shortcut and screwed things up, I really am. And I'll do what I can...when I can. But take responsibility for yourself and your job.
As for stupid people, well, there's only so much that can be said. Stupid can't always be fixed. I try very hard to say what I mean, and I do my best to explain things as well as I can. But hell, man...think sometimes! Most problems have pretty logical solutions...most of the time, what bugs me most isn't someone not knowing something, it's them either being lazy or selfish. Too lazy to solve the problem yourself, or too selfish of your own time and expecting someone else to spend theirs fixing your problem.
Anyway...not my best post. I'll try to do better...there are many things that I still need to figure out, and I still find writing it down one of the best ways to go about it.
I'm feeling very old today. It hasn't been a very last couple of days...woke up with an abscessed tooth on Saturday which I got pulled, found out yesterday that my back is in slightly worse shape than I thought it was, and I'm generally just dissatisfied with what I'm doing.
I complain a lot on facebook about people that tick me off, and after thinking it through a bit, it basically comes down to two things: people acting like children, and people being stupid. I can't stand either one of those things...it drives me nuts.
I don't really have a problem with children acting like children, nor do I have a problem with those that are "young at heart." I have a problem with adults that don't handle their responsibilities, that throw temper tantrums, that expect others to 'fix' everything for them. My job is to fix things, and if it's legitimately broken, then so be it. But it's not my job to fix every little thing that you don't like, or messes that you've created for yourself. I'm sorry that you tried to take a shortcut and screwed things up, I really am. And I'll do what I can...when I can. But take responsibility for yourself and your job.
As for stupid people, well, there's only so much that can be said. Stupid can't always be fixed. I try very hard to say what I mean, and I do my best to explain things as well as I can. But hell, man...think sometimes! Most problems have pretty logical solutions...most of the time, what bugs me most isn't someone not knowing something, it's them either being lazy or selfish. Too lazy to solve the problem yourself, or too selfish of your own time and expecting someone else to spend theirs fixing your problem.
Anyway...not my best post. I'll try to do better...there are many things that I still need to figure out, and I still find writing it down one of the best ways to go about it.
Monday, April 16, 2012
What I was going to be when I grew up
At some point, this has become a monthly thing instead of a daily thing. Not sure if that's good or bad...some days I feel like I should be writing, but I'm not sure what to say anymore. Amazing, I know, seeing as how wordy I can be sometimes.
I've been thinking a lot about my job lately. Got a new boss, I've been in my position for a while now, and we're coming up on our last big project (although it always seems there's another "last big project" around the corner.) It's not a bad job...I get decent pay, and it's not a horrible company. But I not all that 'fulfilled', if you know what I mean. I could be doing more. Story of my life, though...I've become a bit of an underachiever.
When I was young, I was pretty smart. It was offered to my parents for me to skip second grade. I didn't, but joined the gifted program. I took my first SAT test in seventh grade, and scored in the 70th percentile...not bad for someone who hadn't even finished junior high. Back then, I wanted to be an astronomer. I loved the stars...still do, but I'm not nearly as enthralled with how they work.
Once I gave up the stars, I wanted to be a chemist. I still love the idea of how things fit together, but I gave up on that dream fairly early, too.
I also thought about becoming a writer...although, truth is, other than this drivel I don't have much to say.
I then was split. I had always been good at math, and I was one of those freaks that loved school. So I decided that I would like to be a math teacher. I kept this dream, except for a short time when I decided to be a pastor. I like talking about religion, and public speaking has never bothered me. I decided that my biggest problem there would be my conviction...I have certain beliefs that I hold, but do I hold them strongly enough to tell other people that they should believe it too? I decided I didn't. I wonder how different my life would have been had I followed that path, though...COULD I have followed that path?
Math teacher it was, then. Due to some problems getting signed up for classes in college, though, I ended up taking an accounting class. It still dealt with numbers, and I was good at it. After seeing how some other people struggled, and how easy I found it, I decided to switch majors and become an accountant. I had designs at that time of teaching accounting...I had always wanted to teach at either a high school or college, and thought that maybe I'd do as one of my professors had done: go out, work some, and then come back and teach.
Around then, I got married and decided I needed to start working. I graduated, and got a job right off that bat as an Assistant Controller...not a bad job for someone right out of college. Through some poor decisions after that, I ended up at my current company. I know work in the IT department as an analyst...which is what most of my users need.
I enjoyed accounting. But it's tough to find accounting jobs, especially now that I'm not actually working in accounting anymore. I don't like what I'm doing, but I can't leave...I have too many responsibilities. I can look for other positions, but I will never be able to live the dream I once had. I had dreams of teaching all year, then having a summer off to spend with my kids. Of being able to drive my kids home after school, of dances, of sports, of being there. And now, I'm not there. I'm not teaching, I don't get summers off, I can't drive my kid to school or take him home because he doesn't live with me. I ended up falling short of my dream, and at almost 40 years old, I know that dream is gone. I'm too old and too far gone to ask 'what I'm going to be when I grow up'...I unfortunately know the answer now.
I've been thinking a lot about my job lately. Got a new boss, I've been in my position for a while now, and we're coming up on our last big project (although it always seems there's another "last big project" around the corner.) It's not a bad job...I get decent pay, and it's not a horrible company. But I not all that 'fulfilled', if you know what I mean. I could be doing more. Story of my life, though...I've become a bit of an underachiever.
When I was young, I was pretty smart. It was offered to my parents for me to skip second grade. I didn't, but joined the gifted program. I took my first SAT test in seventh grade, and scored in the 70th percentile...not bad for someone who hadn't even finished junior high. Back then, I wanted to be an astronomer. I loved the stars...still do, but I'm not nearly as enthralled with how they work.
Once I gave up the stars, I wanted to be a chemist. I still love the idea of how things fit together, but I gave up on that dream fairly early, too.
I also thought about becoming a writer...although, truth is, other than this drivel I don't have much to say.
I then was split. I had always been good at math, and I was one of those freaks that loved school. So I decided that I would like to be a math teacher. I kept this dream, except for a short time when I decided to be a pastor. I like talking about religion, and public speaking has never bothered me. I decided that my biggest problem there would be my conviction...I have certain beliefs that I hold, but do I hold them strongly enough to tell other people that they should believe it too? I decided I didn't. I wonder how different my life would have been had I followed that path, though...COULD I have followed that path?
Math teacher it was, then. Due to some problems getting signed up for classes in college, though, I ended up taking an accounting class. It still dealt with numbers, and I was good at it. After seeing how some other people struggled, and how easy I found it, I decided to switch majors and become an accountant. I had designs at that time of teaching accounting...I had always wanted to teach at either a high school or college, and thought that maybe I'd do as one of my professors had done: go out, work some, and then come back and teach.
Around then, I got married and decided I needed to start working. I graduated, and got a job right off that bat as an Assistant Controller...not a bad job for someone right out of college. Through some poor decisions after that, I ended up at my current company. I know work in the IT department as an analyst...which is what most of my users need.
I enjoyed accounting. But it's tough to find accounting jobs, especially now that I'm not actually working in accounting anymore. I don't like what I'm doing, but I can't leave...I have too many responsibilities. I can look for other positions, but I will never be able to live the dream I once had. I had dreams of teaching all year, then having a summer off to spend with my kids. Of being able to drive my kids home after school, of dances, of sports, of being there. And now, I'm not there. I'm not teaching, I don't get summers off, I can't drive my kid to school or take him home because he doesn't live with me. I ended up falling short of my dream, and at almost 40 years old, I know that dream is gone. I'm too old and too far gone to ask 'what I'm going to be when I grow up'...I unfortunately know the answer now.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Been a long time...
Thought I forgot about this, did you? No, I haven't. I've said a lot already in this blog, and it hasn't always worked to my benefit. I've angered some people, upset some people, had things "read into" what I was saying rather than just heard what I was trying to get across, and the like. But, I've also received some very nice comments, and have been told that some people have been helped listening to me describe my "struggles." I don't really like calling them that...I know other people have much worse problems than I do. Doesn't help much to know that, though, does it? I've always felt it rather dismissive to tell someone that other people have it worse. Of COURSE they do, but that doesn't mean I don't still feel like shit, right?
Anyway, I haven't really been as low as I've been since I wrote some of the things here. I've managed to stay out of the darkness for the most part, and I've been more or less pretty happy. This week has been a challenge, though. I'm not exactly sure why...I received some bad news at work, things have been a little tenser in my personal life, I haven't been doing as well physically as I would like, but none of that really accounts for the way I've been feeling. I'm not sure...it just feels like I've had a storm cloud following me this week, just waiting for me to let my guard down.
I've felt more insecure this week than I have in awhile. I try hard to ignore those feelings...I know it's just a mindfuck, that I AM a good guy (even if I don't always do good things), that I haven't let everyone in my life down, that I'm a good citizen. I know that I'm responsible (too much, most of the time), and that I do care very much about other people, even when I say I don't, and that I'm doing the best I can with the decisions I've made.
This week, though, it hasn't seemed to be enough just knowing all that. I feel lousy about myself and the job I'm doing with my life, and those old thoughts I used to have about whether or not I should even be here have come back. The part of me that is distrustful, scared, and unsure about myself has returned, like a horror movie villain. Just when I thought he was dead, he came back to get his revenge.
That's not to say I'm anywhere near where I used to be...only that it's much like a disease or an addiction. It takes vigilance to beat it down, and I have to be mindful of when it's raising it's ugly head. I haven't done a very good job of it this week....but I'm still trying. I may have lost the battle this week, but the war isn't over. And I don't take losing very easily.
Anyway, I haven't really been as low as I've been since I wrote some of the things here. I've managed to stay out of the darkness for the most part, and I've been more or less pretty happy. This week has been a challenge, though. I'm not exactly sure why...I received some bad news at work, things have been a little tenser in my personal life, I haven't been doing as well physically as I would like, but none of that really accounts for the way I've been feeling. I'm not sure...it just feels like I've had a storm cloud following me this week, just waiting for me to let my guard down.
I've felt more insecure this week than I have in awhile. I try hard to ignore those feelings...I know it's just a mindfuck, that I AM a good guy (even if I don't always do good things), that I haven't let everyone in my life down, that I'm a good citizen. I know that I'm responsible (too much, most of the time), and that I do care very much about other people, even when I say I don't, and that I'm doing the best I can with the decisions I've made.
This week, though, it hasn't seemed to be enough just knowing all that. I feel lousy about myself and the job I'm doing with my life, and those old thoughts I used to have about whether or not I should even be here have come back. The part of me that is distrustful, scared, and unsure about myself has returned, like a horror movie villain. Just when I thought he was dead, he came back to get his revenge.
That's not to say I'm anywhere near where I used to be...only that it's much like a disease or an addiction. It takes vigilance to beat it down, and I have to be mindful of when it's raising it's ugly head. I haven't done a very good job of it this week....but I'm still trying. I may have lost the battle this week, but the war isn't over. And I don't take losing very easily.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Now
I find myself without much to say these days. At least, not much negative. I've explored the majority of my issues, and although I have by no means solved them, I have gotten a bit of a better handle on them. I know my triggers for depression, and I've done my best to avoid them. I still get depressed, of course, but I haven't had the prolonged bouts of depression that I've experienced in the past. I'm obviously going to try and keep that up.
Sometimes, it feels like I'm winning small battles, but the war is still in question. I do stupid things that sabotage my success. I've said before, I'm not looking for happiness...that's a fool's quest. I certainly want to be happy, but expecting to be happy all the time is a goal that can't be achieved. Rather, the goal is to be more happy than unhappy, and above all, to be content. Not so content as to stop striving to be better. Stagnation isn't the answer. But to be content with your life and where you're at in it...to stop obsessing over the mistakes of your past, or the uncertainties of the future. To just live in the moment.
It certainly sounds cliche, especially to me, but really, the moment is all we have. Yesterday is gone, and can't be changed. I foolishly find myself looking to the past sometimes. There's nothing to be found there. Yes, we are products of everything that comes before us...I'm a product of all my experiences, and to some extent, the experiences and decisions made by my parents, their parents, and so on. There are lessons to be learned from the mistakes we've made...lessons that, if not learned, we're almost certain to repeat. Dwelling on the past, however, is useless. It is also usually a waste of time to constantly try to extrapolate from the past to predict the future. Situations are different, attitudes change, people grow (or regress)...no two decisions are exactly the same, and to try and base today's decision on how things were decided yesterday can doom you to repeat the same mistakes, or make all new ones.
The same can be said of the future. To try and make decisions today based on where I think I'll be in the future can be equally foolhardy. I may think I have a pretty good handle on where I'm going, but we often don't know what decisions we'll make when presented with the question until we get there. That's not to say that having a plan is a waste of time...it certainly isn't. Driving without a destination in mind can lead you to drive in circles. A plan is definitely a good thing...but to waste time deciding how I'm going to cross a bridge before I get to it is often wasted energy.
No, the only thing I have is now, this moment. The future unwritten, the past carved in stone. The goal is to enjoy THIS moment, to live NOW...to learn from my mistakes of the past, to have a general plan for the future, but to understand that at this moment, I need to be happy...or at least content with where I'm at. Really, it's all that matters.
Sometimes, it feels like I'm winning small battles, but the war is still in question. I do stupid things that sabotage my success. I've said before, I'm not looking for happiness...that's a fool's quest. I certainly want to be happy, but expecting to be happy all the time is a goal that can't be achieved. Rather, the goal is to be more happy than unhappy, and above all, to be content. Not so content as to stop striving to be better. Stagnation isn't the answer. But to be content with your life and where you're at in it...to stop obsessing over the mistakes of your past, or the uncertainties of the future. To just live in the moment.
It certainly sounds cliche, especially to me, but really, the moment is all we have. Yesterday is gone, and can't be changed. I foolishly find myself looking to the past sometimes. There's nothing to be found there. Yes, we are products of everything that comes before us...I'm a product of all my experiences, and to some extent, the experiences and decisions made by my parents, their parents, and so on. There are lessons to be learned from the mistakes we've made...lessons that, if not learned, we're almost certain to repeat. Dwelling on the past, however, is useless. It is also usually a waste of time to constantly try to extrapolate from the past to predict the future. Situations are different, attitudes change, people grow (or regress)...no two decisions are exactly the same, and to try and base today's decision on how things were decided yesterday can doom you to repeat the same mistakes, or make all new ones.
The same can be said of the future. To try and make decisions today based on where I think I'll be in the future can be equally foolhardy. I may think I have a pretty good handle on where I'm going, but we often don't know what decisions we'll make when presented with the question until we get there. That's not to say that having a plan is a waste of time...it certainly isn't. Driving without a destination in mind can lead you to drive in circles. A plan is definitely a good thing...but to waste time deciding how I'm going to cross a bridge before I get to it is often wasted energy.
No, the only thing I have is now, this moment. The future unwritten, the past carved in stone. The goal is to enjoy THIS moment, to live NOW...to learn from my mistakes of the past, to have a general plan for the future, but to understand that at this moment, I need to be happy...or at least content with where I'm at. Really, it's all that matters.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Expectations and my failure of them
Been a while, but it's probably time for me to get back to this. I've been meaning to, but I just haven't really had the energy. It hasn't been that great a week, though, and I'm tired and frustrated. My mind is racing, and that's what this is for, right?
I've always seemed to have had a problem living up to expectations, either mine or someone else's. I've tried to accept that I won't always live up to mine, that sometimes I set the bar too high. I'm doing better not putting so much pressure on myself, and trying to avoid the guilt that comes with not living up to it. Doesn't mean I'm not still striving to be 'better'...I am. I'm just not quite as hard on myself as I used to be. I still struggle with it sometimes, but, hey...progress is something.
The biggest fights I've had with people I've been with have been about me not living up to their expectations. It seems to be a constant battle with me. I try, I really do. But I always seem to get it wrong. It's been the #1 problem in every relationship I've had. They expect something from me, I don't do it, and they get upset. Now, sometimes it's me just being an insensitive asshole because I wasn't thinking, and other times it's been because I had no idea that I was supposed to do whatever it was. Regardless, I fail. Some people have figured that out about me, and just tell me what it is they want. My ex-wife seemed to pick up on that early on. I still failed sometimes, but I had a better chance of succeeding when I knew what it was that she wanted.
I try to do the right thing as much as I can. I feel like I'm making the effort, that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. But it rarely seems that I am. Whatever class they taught in school that was meant to show everything I'm to do, what to say, how to act, I missed. I fail those around me, and I fail myself. I've always been able to pass every test I was given...except this one. Can't seem to pass it, no matter how many re-takes I'm given. And before I hear about how I should be living to my expectations, not everyone else's, let me say that I understand that's a good theory. It's also a good way to end up alone. Which, while that may end up being how my life goes, it was certainly not MY expectation.
I've always seemed to have had a problem living up to expectations, either mine or someone else's. I've tried to accept that I won't always live up to mine, that sometimes I set the bar too high. I'm doing better not putting so much pressure on myself, and trying to avoid the guilt that comes with not living up to it. Doesn't mean I'm not still striving to be 'better'...I am. I'm just not quite as hard on myself as I used to be. I still struggle with it sometimes, but, hey...progress is something.
The biggest fights I've had with people I've been with have been about me not living up to their expectations. It seems to be a constant battle with me. I try, I really do. But I always seem to get it wrong. It's been the #1 problem in every relationship I've had. They expect something from me, I don't do it, and they get upset. Now, sometimes it's me just being an insensitive asshole because I wasn't thinking, and other times it's been because I had no idea that I was supposed to do whatever it was. Regardless, I fail. Some people have figured that out about me, and just tell me what it is they want. My ex-wife seemed to pick up on that early on. I still failed sometimes, but I had a better chance of succeeding when I knew what it was that she wanted.
I try to do the right thing as much as I can. I feel like I'm making the effort, that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. But it rarely seems that I am. Whatever class they taught in school that was meant to show everything I'm to do, what to say, how to act, I missed. I fail those around me, and I fail myself. I've always been able to pass every test I was given...except this one. Can't seem to pass it, no matter how many re-takes I'm given. And before I hear about how I should be living to my expectations, not everyone else's, let me say that I understand that's a good theory. It's also a good way to end up alone. Which, while that may end up being how my life goes, it was certainly not MY expectation.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Oral fixation with my foot
God, can I keep my foot out my mouth? Evidently not...I've taken my oral fixation too far, seems like.
First, I had to put my cat down last night. I'm completely torn up about it. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Not the hardest, but up there in the top five, no doubt. I know it was the right decision, it was the best thing for her, yada yada yada. I want her here. I miss her. She was the constant in my life over the last six months. My boy would come and go, girls have come and gone, but Sasha was always here, waiting for me to sit down so she could climb on my chest. Best cat ever...not sure I'm going to even try getting another pet. I'm honestly not sure I can handle going through this again.
Speaking of girls, my girl came with me last night. I honestly don't think I could have done it without her. She kinda out-ted us on FB last night and today. It's weird, because I've always been very careful about that. I never wanted to appear to be "that guy"...with this girl, then that one, then a different one. I've never announced my relationships in public. I was waiting until I was confident that she would be around for a while...and I'm totally good with this one being out there. Surprisingly (to me), I feel really, really good about it, and I honestly don't care that it's public. Of course, I'll do a complete 180 if she ends up dumping me, but right now, I'm happy.
Now what would make her dump me? Back to the original point...me sticking my foot in my mouth. I know, intellectually, that sometimes the right answer is "yes" or "no." Why do I CONSTANTLY feel the need to explain every decision I make, every opinion I have, and why do I always have to "couch" everything I say? No one asks for that, and it causes me no end of problems. I get asked a question, and instead of going with a simple "yes", I have to give an "almost yes" with a 30 minute explanation as to why I feel that way. The answer is basically "yes" anyway. I try to be so careful to not be called a liar or have it thrown in my face later that I end up confusing the issue and just pissing people off. New 'late' resolution...to use a simple "yes" or "no" where appropriate, and stop being such a pain in the ass. Sometimes, you have to throw caution to the wind a bit, and follow your gut, and if it ends up later that you the situation changes and what you said before is no longer true, you deal with it. That's a fight that's deserving, rather than creating one trying to tiptoe on the edge of caution.
First, I had to put my cat down last night. I'm completely torn up about it. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Not the hardest, but up there in the top five, no doubt. I know it was the right decision, it was the best thing for her, yada yada yada. I want her here. I miss her. She was the constant in my life over the last six months. My boy would come and go, girls have come and gone, but Sasha was always here, waiting for me to sit down so she could climb on my chest. Best cat ever...not sure I'm going to even try getting another pet. I'm honestly not sure I can handle going through this again.
Speaking of girls, my girl came with me last night. I honestly don't think I could have done it without her. She kinda out-ted us on FB last night and today. It's weird, because I've always been very careful about that. I never wanted to appear to be "that guy"...with this girl, then that one, then a different one. I've never announced my relationships in public. I was waiting until I was confident that she would be around for a while...and I'm totally good with this one being out there. Surprisingly (to me), I feel really, really good about it, and I honestly don't care that it's public. Of course, I'll do a complete 180 if she ends up dumping me, but right now, I'm happy.
Now what would make her dump me? Back to the original point...me sticking my foot in my mouth. I know, intellectually, that sometimes the right answer is "yes" or "no." Why do I CONSTANTLY feel the need to explain every decision I make, every opinion I have, and why do I always have to "couch" everything I say? No one asks for that, and it causes me no end of problems. I get asked a question, and instead of going with a simple "yes", I have to give an "almost yes" with a 30 minute explanation as to why I feel that way. The answer is basically "yes" anyway. I try to be so careful to not be called a liar or have it thrown in my face later that I end up confusing the issue and just pissing people off. New 'late' resolution...to use a simple "yes" or "no" where appropriate, and stop being such a pain in the ass. Sometimes, you have to throw caution to the wind a bit, and follow your gut, and if it ends up later that you the situation changes and what you said before is no longer true, you deal with it. That's a fight that's deserving, rather than creating one trying to tiptoe on the edge of caution.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
I'm weird, but harmless...
I know, I know...haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up with this lately. Truth is, I just haven't had a lot that I both want and can talk about. I'm sure at some point I'll be able to get on here and bore you with some other part of my neurosis, but right now, things aren't so bad. I don't have a lot to complain about, and although I'm still not exactly my biggest fan, I don't hate myself nearly as much as usual. Progress, friends. Or I'm taking it as such.
I was asked to write about my touch of OCD. I'm not really sure that's what it is...I think it's more of just my personality. I don't know...OCD is a serious issue for some people, and my quirks aren't nearly that bad. It basically comes out in two ways: list making, and wanting to know the 'whole story.'
First, the lists. I'm not the type of person that makes lists of what I need at the grocery, or even "To Do" lists (although I try to do those when I can.) No, my lists are generally of what I have, or want. I have a list of every movie and TV show (by episode) I own, in order of release date. Same with every book and comic book (by author and year), song (by artist and year), every video game, even all the friends I have on FB. I have no idea why I do these lists. For some reason, I just find it comforting to know what's there, and what isn't.
Second, I want to know 'the whole story.' I can't start in the middle of something...I need to start at the beginning. For example, I can't see the second movie in a series before seeing the first. I can't pick up a book or start watching a TV show in the middle of the run...I want to start at the beginning and work my way through it. TV shows on DVD have been such a blessing for me. I can start at episode 1, and just keep going until the end of the series. This leaves me on the outside of a lot of things. I've never seen 'Dexter' because I missed the beginning (I have the DVD's...I'll catch up.) Same with a lot of other shows...I didn't watch 'Lost' or any of the other big name shows because I missed the start.
I think this comes down to my belief that everything is inter-connected, and you can't understand where you are if you don't know where you've been. By starting at the beginning, I can see the whole story unfold, and see how everything connects. With the lists, I can see what came before it, and what could be using whatever I'm enjoying as a block to help build it's world. I believe that almost everything in this world is derivative of something else...I'm not only a product of my past, but also a product of my father and his past, and my father's father, and so on. Same in the world of entertainment, or science, or philosophy...everything builds upon everything else that came before it. Or, maybe, I'm just a little quirky and like to make weird lists. At the very least, it keeps me busy.
I was asked to write about my touch of OCD. I'm not really sure that's what it is...I think it's more of just my personality. I don't know...OCD is a serious issue for some people, and my quirks aren't nearly that bad. It basically comes out in two ways: list making, and wanting to know the 'whole story.'
First, the lists. I'm not the type of person that makes lists of what I need at the grocery, or even "To Do" lists (although I try to do those when I can.) No, my lists are generally of what I have, or want. I have a list of every movie and TV show (by episode) I own, in order of release date. Same with every book and comic book (by author and year), song (by artist and year), every video game, even all the friends I have on FB. I have no idea why I do these lists. For some reason, I just find it comforting to know what's there, and what isn't.
Second, I want to know 'the whole story.' I can't start in the middle of something...I need to start at the beginning. For example, I can't see the second movie in a series before seeing the first. I can't pick up a book or start watching a TV show in the middle of the run...I want to start at the beginning and work my way through it. TV shows on DVD have been such a blessing for me. I can start at episode 1, and just keep going until the end of the series. This leaves me on the outside of a lot of things. I've never seen 'Dexter' because I missed the beginning (I have the DVD's...I'll catch up.) Same with a lot of other shows...I didn't watch 'Lost' or any of the other big name shows because I missed the start.
I think this comes down to my belief that everything is inter-connected, and you can't understand where you are if you don't know where you've been. By starting at the beginning, I can see the whole story unfold, and see how everything connects. With the lists, I can see what came before it, and what could be using whatever I'm enjoying as a block to help build it's world. I believe that almost everything in this world is derivative of something else...I'm not only a product of my past, but also a product of my father and his past, and my father's father, and so on. Same in the world of entertainment, or science, or philosophy...everything builds upon everything else that came before it. Or, maybe, I'm just a little quirky and like to make weird lists. At the very least, it keeps me busy.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Guilt
Seems like I've always felt guilty about something. I've never really understood why I feel this way, I just do. When I was younger, I felt guilty if I wasn't the best in my class. I'd feel guilty when I saw what my dad sacrificed to raise me, whenever I'd break up with a girl, if I didn't practice hard enough. I'm honestly not sure where it all comes from, or why I do it to myself. It really is a wasted emotion...I can't change the past, and if I've screwed up, I've probably already apologized for it and did my best to fix it. And yet, it's there, lurking around every corner.
My number one source of guilt right now is what I'm afraid I've done to my son. By all accounts, he's healthy, happy, and well adjusted. I'm not with him every day, though, and it tears me apart. I'm scared that the divorce (that was my fault) has altered him, and will have a negative effect on him in the future. I don't feel like a very good role model for him, no matter how hard I try to be. So, I feel guilty for not being with him, and I feel guilty when I AM with him.
I also feel guilty for my recent break up. God knows, we tried again and again, and had a host of valid reasons why it was probably better for both of us if we just moved on. I think I did the right thing for both of us. Still, there's a part of me that feels horrible about it...like if I had tried just a little harder, or did one or two things different, I wouldn't have caused it to end.
Which brings me to my current relationship. As I've mentioned, there have been challenges getting it off the ground. I think we've handled most of them. But I feel like I'm the cause of most of them, and I hate it. No matter how many times I've been told that everything was going to happen the way it did regardless of my involvement, I still feel like it's my fault, that I've caused all this pain. It's a bit egocentric to think that way, I suppose...that I'm the center, and all pain radiates from me.
What I need to do is accept things. Accept that my divorce happened, and that my ex, my son and I are all better off. Accept that I did the right thing in breaking off my last relationship, and that any pain we feel is temporary and will end up being the best thing for both of us. And accept that I'm NOT the center of the universe, and that things happen that are neither my fault nor caused by me. I need to accept the decisions I've made, and TRULY accept the consequences, instead of just accepting the (self-inflicted) punishment. And I need to stop feeling guilty about my life...to eradicate this demon, and not allow it to cast it's shadow on me. It's an uphill battle...but one I need to fight.
My number one source of guilt right now is what I'm afraid I've done to my son. By all accounts, he's healthy, happy, and well adjusted. I'm not with him every day, though, and it tears me apart. I'm scared that the divorce (that was my fault) has altered him, and will have a negative effect on him in the future. I don't feel like a very good role model for him, no matter how hard I try to be. So, I feel guilty for not being with him, and I feel guilty when I AM with him.
I also feel guilty for my recent break up. God knows, we tried again and again, and had a host of valid reasons why it was probably better for both of us if we just moved on. I think I did the right thing for both of us. Still, there's a part of me that feels horrible about it...like if I had tried just a little harder, or did one or two things different, I wouldn't have caused it to end.
Which brings me to my current relationship. As I've mentioned, there have been challenges getting it off the ground. I think we've handled most of them. But I feel like I'm the cause of most of them, and I hate it. No matter how many times I've been told that everything was going to happen the way it did regardless of my involvement, I still feel like it's my fault, that I've caused all this pain. It's a bit egocentric to think that way, I suppose...that I'm the center, and all pain radiates from me.
What I need to do is accept things. Accept that my divorce happened, and that my ex, my son and I are all better off. Accept that I did the right thing in breaking off my last relationship, and that any pain we feel is temporary and will end up being the best thing for both of us. And accept that I'm NOT the center of the universe, and that things happen that are neither my fault nor caused by me. I need to accept the decisions I've made, and TRULY accept the consequences, instead of just accepting the (self-inflicted) punishment. And I need to stop feeling guilty about my life...to eradicate this demon, and not allow it to cast it's shadow on me. It's an uphill battle...but one I need to fight.
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