Okay, 2011...time for you to get your ass out of here.
It's been an absolutely crazy year. It was my first full year of living alone, and proving to myself that I could actually survive by myself. My divorce was finalized this year, I had more than a couple relationships start and end, and I took seriously the task of becoming a better person. I started the year full of doubt and in a not-so-good place. To be honest, I spent the majority of the year there, too. I tried very hard to become comfortable with myself...still working on it.
I have to say, though, the year seems to be ending much better than it started. I got to take a trip to Arizona with the boy to see my family, and had a great time. I met someone, and although it's been challenging at times, I feel really positive about it. More so than I've felt in a while. Work has been a pain, but not worse than usual, and it appears to be slowing down so that we can breathe.
I'm optimistic about 2012. It will have it's challenges, and, unfortunately, I'll create some of them. But it's starting out on the right foot. I hope to continue working towards my goals, and most of all, just....be happy.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Pride
"Pride goeth before the fall" is how I believe the saying goes. I think it comes from the bible, and basically says that being too proud and overconfident will lead you to make mistakes and cause your downfall. It's something I've always tried to avoid...maybe too much. But not always successfully.
It's a contradiction, I suppose. I can be incredibly insecure sometimes, as I've discussed. I do have pride, though. I know that I have value, and that I'm worth something. I do certain things well, and on balance, I think I try to be a pretty good guy. I handle my responsibilities, and I try very hard to say what I mean, and mean what I say. Although I've certainly allowed myself to be treated in ways I didn't really think I deserved, it hasn't happened often, and I've left those situations where I felt that way.
I've also gone too far, and allowed my pride to cause my fall. One of the stupidest things I ever did was break up with a girl in high school because I was too proud to admit that I screwed up. I ended a relationship of almost a year, and I've always wondered what would have happened if I hadn't just come clean. Maybe we would have broke up anyway, or maybe I would have ruined her life for a few more years. Seeing where she's at now, I'd have to say that she's done well for herself without me. Could be that my idiocy was fated...but I'll always wonder.
Now, I try to balance the two. Not be so proud that I let little things get under my skin. To understand the situation as best I can, and forgive those things that are merely irritants, or temporary. To take a long term view...can I handle minor problems in order to achieve major goals? Handle my pride, but not give in to my feelings about myself and allow someone to walk on me?
I think I'm doing a much better job at both lately. Right now, honestly, I feel fairly content. I feel good about myself, but not so much so that I can't admit when I screw up, or can't forgive a minor blow to my pride. For the most part, I'm in a pretty good place mentally. It's kind of a weird feeling for me...but I like it.
It's a contradiction, I suppose. I can be incredibly insecure sometimes, as I've discussed. I do have pride, though. I know that I have value, and that I'm worth something. I do certain things well, and on balance, I think I try to be a pretty good guy. I handle my responsibilities, and I try very hard to say what I mean, and mean what I say. Although I've certainly allowed myself to be treated in ways I didn't really think I deserved, it hasn't happened often, and I've left those situations where I felt that way.
I've also gone too far, and allowed my pride to cause my fall. One of the stupidest things I ever did was break up with a girl in high school because I was too proud to admit that I screwed up. I ended a relationship of almost a year, and I've always wondered what would have happened if I hadn't just come clean. Maybe we would have broke up anyway, or maybe I would have ruined her life for a few more years. Seeing where she's at now, I'd have to say that she's done well for herself without me. Could be that my idiocy was fated...but I'll always wonder.
Now, I try to balance the two. Not be so proud that I let little things get under my skin. To understand the situation as best I can, and forgive those things that are merely irritants, or temporary. To take a long term view...can I handle minor problems in order to achieve major goals? Handle my pride, but not give in to my feelings about myself and allow someone to walk on me?
I think I'm doing a much better job at both lately. Right now, honestly, I feel fairly content. I feel good about myself, but not so much so that I can't admit when I screw up, or can't forgive a minor blow to my pride. For the most part, I'm in a pretty good place mentally. It's kind of a weird feeling for me...but I like it.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Trust
Been kind of hit or miss on updating the blog lately. It's not really that I don't have much to say as much as it is that I can't seem to keep all my thoughts straight. Not unusual for that to happen to me, but I can usually figure it out before long.
So, I have trust issues. Seems just about everyone does, to one degree or another. Somebody screws you over, and if you let it, it can be something that stays with you forever. It's something that I try to put a lid on, to bottle up and contain, because it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with anyone if you don't trust them. If I can't trust my friend, I won't be able to rely on them to be...well, a friend.
I'm not real sure where mine come from. Maybe it's the fact that my mother left when I was young. Although I didn't think it affected me much, it's not impossible that it caused some issues to develop. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been in relationships where I've felt used for one reason or another, and now I'm just gun-shy. It's certainly true that I've felt that. Whether it be for money, security, sex...there have been occasions where I didn't make someone treat me a little better. And I'm sure there have people that feel that way about me. You get treated how you'll accept being treated, though, so I deserve it if I allow someone to walk on me. If you feel that way about me, all I can do is apologize.
Obviously, everyone deals with it in different ways. I've been trying to work on mine...to allow myself to trust people. It's a difficult thing to do sometimes...when you have trust issues, everything looks shady, and everyone is out to break your heart. Trusting someone means giving them the power to do that. It's hard not to throw up the shields every time it looks like someone has hurting you on their mind. It's hard to let go, and trust that you're not going to hit the ground, or worse, fall forever. I don't think it's possible to find true happiness without finding true trust, though, in someone, even if it's yourself. Eventually, you have to lower your guard, and have faith.
So, I have trust issues. Seems just about everyone does, to one degree or another. Somebody screws you over, and if you let it, it can be something that stays with you forever. It's something that I try to put a lid on, to bottle up and contain, because it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with anyone if you don't trust them. If I can't trust my friend, I won't be able to rely on them to be...well, a friend.
I'm not real sure where mine come from. Maybe it's the fact that my mother left when I was young. Although I didn't think it affected me much, it's not impossible that it caused some issues to develop. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been in relationships where I've felt used for one reason or another, and now I'm just gun-shy. It's certainly true that I've felt that. Whether it be for money, security, sex...there have been occasions where I didn't make someone treat me a little better. And I'm sure there have people that feel that way about me. You get treated how you'll accept being treated, though, so I deserve it if I allow someone to walk on me. If you feel that way about me, all I can do is apologize.
Obviously, everyone deals with it in different ways. I've been trying to work on mine...to allow myself to trust people. It's a difficult thing to do sometimes...when you have trust issues, everything looks shady, and everyone is out to break your heart. Trusting someone means giving them the power to do that. It's hard not to throw up the shields every time it looks like someone has hurting you on their mind. It's hard to let go, and trust that you're not going to hit the ground, or worse, fall forever. I don't think it's possible to find true happiness without finding true trust, though, in someone, even if it's yourself. Eventually, you have to lower your guard, and have faith.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Catching up, part 2
So, what happens when you're on the verge of possibly having everything you're looking for? If you're me, you probably do something stupid to screw it up. But I'm trying really hard not to do that...not to self-destruct like I have so many times before, to allow myself to roll with it and be HAPPY.
So, I'll just say it...I met someone. Someone who is intelligent, funny, beautiful, and has a good heart. Is she the 'one'? God only knows. She could just as easily walk out of my life as quickly as she walked in. The timing of our meeting absolutely sucks. Both just getting out of long term relationships, it's the holidays, and we both have 'drama' to deal with. I'm trying really hard to be pragmatic about everything...but it's hard not to be excited about it.
This post isn't really about her, though (she'll get her own post down the road, maybe.) It's about how I feel. I am really excited about it. I'm trying really hard not to do everything I've done in the past that hasn't worked. It's difficult not to automatically fall back on my defense mechanisms...mainly, throw up the wall so I can't get hurt. There are reasons to be wary. Like I said, both getting out of relationships, challenges on both sides to deal with, and my insecurities are alive and well, and kicking my ass sometimes.
Oh, insecurity. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not a good lover. She could do so much better. I'm boring, a dork, and I've destroyed every relationship I've ever been in. I think all those things are true...sometimes. But the truth is, none of that matters. I mean it does, but dwelling on it is one of the surest ways to failure. As I've said before, people that are close to you are often a mirror of what you're projecting. I don't want to project those things. It's a hard thing to change, but I'm trying.
I'm also trying to keep the wall down, to actually do and say what's in my heart instead of what's in my head. It's a really, really tough thing for me to do. It makes me feel vulnerable, and since my emotional makeup is sometimes that of a 12 year old girl, makes me feel weak. My head tells me to shut the hell up, to protect myself, to not allow people to see who I really am. I can do it here, because there aren't that many people listening, and those that are are doing so because they're interested. And by now, they know who I am. It's also rather impersonal...I'm just talking to myself, out loud in print. The worst that can happen is that I get a nasty comment or such that makes me feel stupid.
It's the never-ending war between my head and my heart (and occasionally my penis speaks up...I ignore him, though...he's a moron most of the time.) As opposed to all those failures in the past, I'm trying not to allow my head to get the last word in. Letting my heart rule leaves me open, and vulnerable, and a little scared. And there's the chance that it could end up being one of the worst things I've ever done. BUT, it could also end up being one of the best. I've tried it so often the other way, and that's got me here. Terrifying as it might be, maybe it's time to try something else. Who knows...it might just be the key to finding what I've been looking for.
So, I'll just say it...I met someone. Someone who is intelligent, funny, beautiful, and has a good heart. Is she the 'one'? God only knows. She could just as easily walk out of my life as quickly as she walked in. The timing of our meeting absolutely sucks. Both just getting out of long term relationships, it's the holidays, and we both have 'drama' to deal with. I'm trying really hard to be pragmatic about everything...but it's hard not to be excited about it.
This post isn't really about her, though (she'll get her own post down the road, maybe.) It's about how I feel. I am really excited about it. I'm trying really hard not to do everything I've done in the past that hasn't worked. It's difficult not to automatically fall back on my defense mechanisms...mainly, throw up the wall so I can't get hurt. There are reasons to be wary. Like I said, both getting out of relationships, challenges on both sides to deal with, and my insecurities are alive and well, and kicking my ass sometimes.
Oh, insecurity. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not a good lover. She could do so much better. I'm boring, a dork, and I've destroyed every relationship I've ever been in. I think all those things are true...sometimes. But the truth is, none of that matters. I mean it does, but dwelling on it is one of the surest ways to failure. As I've said before, people that are close to you are often a mirror of what you're projecting. I don't want to project those things. It's a hard thing to change, but I'm trying.
I'm also trying to keep the wall down, to actually do and say what's in my heart instead of what's in my head. It's a really, really tough thing for me to do. It makes me feel vulnerable, and since my emotional makeup is sometimes that of a 12 year old girl, makes me feel weak. My head tells me to shut the hell up, to protect myself, to not allow people to see who I really am. I can do it here, because there aren't that many people listening, and those that are are doing so because they're interested. And by now, they know who I am. It's also rather impersonal...I'm just talking to myself, out loud in print. The worst that can happen is that I get a nasty comment or such that makes me feel stupid.
It's the never-ending war between my head and my heart (and occasionally my penis speaks up...I ignore him, though...he's a moron most of the time.) As opposed to all those failures in the past, I'm trying not to allow my head to get the last word in. Letting my heart rule leaves me open, and vulnerable, and a little scared. And there's the chance that it could end up being one of the worst things I've ever done. BUT, it could also end up being one of the best. I've tried it so often the other way, and that's got me here. Terrifying as it might be, maybe it's time to try something else. Who knows...it might just be the key to finding what I've been looking for.
Catching up, part 1
Hmmm...it's been almost a week, and my last post was about as depressing a post as I've put up. Sorry about that. It hasn't been the easiest of times, lately....not easy, but they have been fairly happy. It's a contradiction, I know.
It's always sad when things end, or when the form of something ends. I still have what I consider a pretty good relationship with my ex-wife...she's still one of my best friends in the world. But I was sad when our marriage ended. Although the relationship didn't completely end, the form of it did, and that was hard to take.
I had another of those 'changes' over the last couple weeks, and it hurt. I have said before...I don't think I'm insane for trying the same thing over and over, I'm just optimistic that I'll eventually figure it out, and it will work. There does come a point, however, when you have to realize that no matter how many times you've tried, it just isn't going to get there. Maybe it's the situation, maybe it's the timing, maybe there's too much history. Regardless, it's always difficult to let go. It's difficult not to say "let's try this one more time." I cling to the past...way too much, usually. I made the decision to let go. Wasn't an easy one to make, and I may regret it, who knows? But I felt it was the right one at this time.
But where one door closes, others open. There are things that enter your life, be it a person, a thing, a pet, whatever, that changes it, maybe forever. Reminds you of the good things in your life, and why it's worth it to be here. That deserves it's own post, though...more to come later.
It's always sad when things end, or when the form of something ends. I still have what I consider a pretty good relationship with my ex-wife...she's still one of my best friends in the world. But I was sad when our marriage ended. Although the relationship didn't completely end, the form of it did, and that was hard to take.
I had another of those 'changes' over the last couple weeks, and it hurt. I have said before...I don't think I'm insane for trying the same thing over and over, I'm just optimistic that I'll eventually figure it out, and it will work. There does come a point, however, when you have to realize that no matter how many times you've tried, it just isn't going to get there. Maybe it's the situation, maybe it's the timing, maybe there's too much history. Regardless, it's always difficult to let go. It's difficult not to say "let's try this one more time." I cling to the past...way too much, usually. I made the decision to let go. Wasn't an easy one to make, and I may regret it, who knows? But I felt it was the right one at this time.
But where one door closes, others open. There are things that enter your life, be it a person, a thing, a pet, whatever, that changes it, maybe forever. Reminds you of the good things in your life, and why it's worth it to be here. That deserves it's own post, though...more to come later.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Dead end
Shitty day. There's no question but that I'm an idiot. I can't help but seem to self-destruct.
And the worse thing is, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I try really, really hard to do what I think is best, but it always seems to end up hurting like hell in the end. I've tried segregating myself, and telling myself that I'm okay...that I'll be okay. I've tried letting down my guard a little bit, and I tell myself THAT will be okay. It's never seems to be okay.
So, I'm not yet good at being by myself, and I'm not good around other people (and I don't seem to be good for them, either.) That doesn't really leave many choices...learn to be, or just not BE. I'm trying to learn...but days like today remind me that I have a long, long way to go. I hope to learn before it's too late.
And the worse thing is, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I try really, really hard to do what I think is best, but it always seems to end up hurting like hell in the end. I've tried segregating myself, and telling myself that I'm okay...that I'll be okay. I've tried letting down my guard a little bit, and I tell myself THAT will be okay. It's never seems to be okay.
So, I'm not yet good at being by myself, and I'm not good around other people (and I don't seem to be good for them, either.) That doesn't really leave many choices...learn to be, or just not BE. I'm trying to learn...but days like today remind me that I have a long, long way to go. I hope to learn before it's too late.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Where I show I'm still a caveman
For all my book learnin' and "modern thinking," I'm still terribly old-fashioned when it comes to certain aspects of relationships. I fully believe that both men and women have roles in the relationship. Now, before the hate mail comes, allow me to explain a bit.
I fully believe that a man should help take care of the house. It's part of his living space too. I changed diapers, always did my own laundry, did dishes, and vacuumed. I'll admit that I didn't do much of the cooking, but my ex was a huge foodie, and enjoyed cooking. I left a lot of that up to her...but I was expected to take care of myself if she wasn't there or was too busy. She also did the majority of the grocery shopping, because if I went, I got pretty much what I wanted (and didn't use coupons.) That left us with a lot of food that she didn't want, and me eating more at the 'unhealthy' end of the spectrum. Occasionally, she'd give me a list of stuff to get, and I'd go.
When it comes to 'taking care of business', though, that's the man's job. Every relationship is different, obviously, but I always felt it was the man's job to provide for the bills. My ex had bills that she paid for herself, like her credit cards, but I paid all the utilities, the house payment, and most of the joint expenses. It's my job to pick up the tab when we go out to eat, to buy the movie tickets, etc. When we go somewhere, I'm the one that's most likely to drive. It's not that I won't ride (gives me time to play on my phone!), but it's my JOB to drive. It's my responsibility to take care of my 'family', and that means getting them to wherever we're going safely.
I've always understood the dream of being a kept man. Sure, it would be great if I was taken care of by some rich woman so I could stay at home and goof off all day. But my pride wouldn't allow it...I'd have to get a job and contribute, even if I wasn't the primary wage earner. I get really upset when I see so many women nowadays taking care of their men...not to get back on my 'douchebag' rant, but good Lord, man, have some fucking pride!
Maybe this makes me a neanderthal, and out of touch. I don't believe that women are subservient to men, not in the least. I am perfectly aware that most women today are more than capable of taking care of themselves, and believe me, I expect her to. But it's also MY job to take care of her. I could be wrong, but deep down, I think most women still feel that way, too. The idea is to take care of each other in a working partnership for the mutual beneficence of both parties. If you're not providing for and taking care of each other, then really, what's the use of being in a partnership at all?
I fully believe that a man should help take care of the house. It's part of his living space too. I changed diapers, always did my own laundry, did dishes, and vacuumed. I'll admit that I didn't do much of the cooking, but my ex was a huge foodie, and enjoyed cooking. I left a lot of that up to her...but I was expected to take care of myself if she wasn't there or was too busy. She also did the majority of the grocery shopping, because if I went, I got pretty much what I wanted (and didn't use coupons.) That left us with a lot of food that she didn't want, and me eating more at the 'unhealthy' end of the spectrum. Occasionally, she'd give me a list of stuff to get, and I'd go.
When it comes to 'taking care of business', though, that's the man's job. Every relationship is different, obviously, but I always felt it was the man's job to provide for the bills. My ex had bills that she paid for herself, like her credit cards, but I paid all the utilities, the house payment, and most of the joint expenses. It's my job to pick up the tab when we go out to eat, to buy the movie tickets, etc. When we go somewhere, I'm the one that's most likely to drive. It's not that I won't ride (gives me time to play on my phone!), but it's my JOB to drive. It's my responsibility to take care of my 'family', and that means getting them to wherever we're going safely.
I've always understood the dream of being a kept man. Sure, it would be great if I was taken care of by some rich woman so I could stay at home and goof off all day. But my pride wouldn't allow it...I'd have to get a job and contribute, even if I wasn't the primary wage earner. I get really upset when I see so many women nowadays taking care of their men...not to get back on my 'douchebag' rant, but good Lord, man, have some fucking pride!
Maybe this makes me a neanderthal, and out of touch. I don't believe that women are subservient to men, not in the least. I am perfectly aware that most women today are more than capable of taking care of themselves, and believe me, I expect her to. But it's also MY job to take care of her. I could be wrong, but deep down, I think most women still feel that way, too. The idea is to take care of each other in a working partnership for the mutual beneficence of both parties. If you're not providing for and taking care of each other, then really, what's the use of being in a partnership at all?
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Romance (or my lack thereof)
There are times that I read through these posts and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Then there are others that I actually kind of like, in a not-at-all-too-proud-of-myself way. I'd still like to do more with blog than sit around and bitch about my feelings, though. I'm not exactly sure what that will be...pimp my favorite music, movies, book reviews...I have no idea. Maybe I'll just be so happy that I can shut the hell up, or I'll come on here and give advice about the secrets to my success (as soon as I have some.)
In the meantime, here I am. I was thinking about 'romance' earlier. I am, flat out, not romantic, at least in a classical sense. I'm nobody's knight in shining armor. I don't typically buy flowers (what's the point? Yes, they're pretty...they also die shortly after I give them. What kind of symbol of my love is THAT?), or chocolates. I don't constantly call or text, nor do I need my partner next to me constantly. I've never announced to everyone that I was "in a relationship with" someone on FB (although, to be honest, I'm kinda looking forward to that someday.) I'm not likely to sweep anyone off their feet like Fabio in a romance novel. I know that some girls like this stuff...they live for it. Those girls aren't the ones that are interested in me for very long.
Here's the thing, though. I do believe in love, and I do believe in romance. I just think about it a little differently. I always have a song that's 'ours.' When I'm with someone, I'm WITH them. When I kiss, I kiss...I use my hands, not in a 'groping' way, but instead I want to run them through her hair, or touch her face. Same with making love. I rarely 'have sex.' I have to be honest...if my goal is just to climax, I can do it quicker and easier by myself. If I'm going to go through the time and effort of being with someone else, it's for the entire experience. I want to touch her, taste her, smell her, talk to her...I want to totally connect with her.
Take a step back...getting lost in the 'sex' part. Some guys excel at that 'classical romance' stuff. I've never been good at it. And I've never needed someone to sweep ME off my feet. I find it much more 'romantic' to be with someone who shows me how much she cares for me by listening to me, being more than just physically present when I'm with her, caring about me. Gifts are nice...a connection, one that's mental, spiritual and physical, is much better.
In the meantime, here I am. I was thinking about 'romance' earlier. I am, flat out, not romantic, at least in a classical sense. I'm nobody's knight in shining armor. I don't typically buy flowers (what's the point? Yes, they're pretty...they also die shortly after I give them. What kind of symbol of my love is THAT?), or chocolates. I don't constantly call or text, nor do I need my partner next to me constantly. I've never announced to everyone that I was "in a relationship with" someone on FB (although, to be honest, I'm kinda looking forward to that someday.) I'm not likely to sweep anyone off their feet like Fabio in a romance novel. I know that some girls like this stuff...they live for it. Those girls aren't the ones that are interested in me for very long.
Here's the thing, though. I do believe in love, and I do believe in romance. I just think about it a little differently. I always have a song that's 'ours.' When I'm with someone, I'm WITH them. When I kiss, I kiss...I use my hands, not in a 'groping' way, but instead I want to run them through her hair, or touch her face. Same with making love. I rarely 'have sex.' I have to be honest...if my goal is just to climax, I can do it quicker and easier by myself. If I'm going to go through the time and effort of being with someone else, it's for the entire experience. I want to touch her, taste her, smell her, talk to her...I want to totally connect with her.
Take a step back...getting lost in the 'sex' part. Some guys excel at that 'classical romance' stuff. I've never been good at it. And I've never needed someone to sweep ME off my feet. I find it much more 'romantic' to be with someone who shows me how much she cares for me by listening to me, being more than just physically present when I'm with her, caring about me. Gifts are nice...a connection, one that's mental, spiritual and physical, is much better.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
The upside of being realistic
I always claim to be a 'realist.' "I'm not pessimistic, I'm just realistic" about whatever it is. Taking a step back and looking at it, that's bullshit. I'm a pessimist. That's not healthy, though, and I want to change. I'll never be an optimist...it's just not in my nature. But I can certainly do a better job of being realistic, and that includes having a bit more optimism (even if it's difficult to do.)
What I mean by this is that part of being realistic is seeing that there is a reason for optimism sometimes. Back to yesterday's example, I claimed that there was a 10% chance that I would get the job I wanted, and for that reason, I should temper my enthusiasm. Not get too excited about it, so I wouldn't be so crushed if it didn't come to be. Again, sounds great in theory.
But real life isn't a game. There is no "10% chance" of it happening...there's 'some relatively small' chance that I'll get what I want. In real life, I use this argument to find all the reasons why I'm not going to get it....they'll never create the position, I'm not right for it, they'd never pick me. Here's the truth, though...maybe they will create it. And maybe they will think I'm right for it. There's some reason to be optimistic, right?
I realize that I'm now arguing both sides. Like any belief, if you're looking for evidence to support one side or the other, you can usually find it. I can find evidence that the position won't be created, or evidence that I wouldn't be picked, if I looked hard enough. And vice versa.
So what the hell AM I saying? I don't know. I guess that I need to try a little harder to be optimistic, so I don't crush whatever opportunities might exist before I even get to them. All while tempering my excitement so that I'm not overly hurt if it doesn't come to be. Mostly, though, I need to learn patience. All things will be revealed in time. It's hard to always live in the moment, but today presents us with enough problems that we don't usually need to go looking for tomorrow's early.
What I mean by this is that part of being realistic is seeing that there is a reason for optimism sometimes. Back to yesterday's example, I claimed that there was a 10% chance that I would get the job I wanted, and for that reason, I should temper my enthusiasm. Not get too excited about it, so I wouldn't be so crushed if it didn't come to be. Again, sounds great in theory.
But real life isn't a game. There is no "10% chance" of it happening...there's 'some relatively small' chance that I'll get what I want. In real life, I use this argument to find all the reasons why I'm not going to get it....they'll never create the position, I'm not right for it, they'd never pick me. Here's the truth, though...maybe they will create it. And maybe they will think I'm right for it. There's some reason to be optimistic, right?
I realize that I'm now arguing both sides. Like any belief, if you're looking for evidence to support one side or the other, you can usually find it. I can find evidence that the position won't be created, or evidence that I wouldn't be picked, if I looked hard enough. And vice versa.
So what the hell AM I saying? I don't know. I guess that I need to try a little harder to be optimistic, so I don't crush whatever opportunities might exist before I even get to them. All while tempering my excitement so that I'm not overly hurt if it doesn't come to be. Mostly, though, I need to learn patience. All things will be revealed in time. It's hard to always live in the moment, but today presents us with enough problems that we don't usually need to go looking for tomorrow's early.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Protecting myself...from myself
Today I've been thinking a lot about a previous post that I made about 'false hope.' It's the phenomena I described where I get myself all excited about something, then immediately convince myself that it's never going to happen, and feel almost the same disappointment that I would if it didn't. I know it's partly a defense mechanism. Although the 'false hope' hurts, in some ways it takes the edge of the disappointment that I'd feel if I really got my hopes up, and it doesn't come through.
The point of the post was that I should avoid this 'false hope'. What I may not have been as clear about is the need for hope in general. Rather than getting overly excited about something, then crashing down, I need to put it in a realistic perspective. Let's see if I can come up with an example.
Let's say there's a rumor of a new job opening that I think I would be a perfect fit for. Rather than getting too excited about it up front, I need to put it in proper perspective, take a step back and really look at it. I may determine that there's a 60% chance that it's just that...a rumor. No new position exists. Now, while that would suck, I could deal with it...it wasn't that I didn't get it, it wasn't there to begin with. This is where the 'false hope' needs to be avoided. NOTHING HAS CHANGED...there is certainly no reason to be depressed about it. I may wish the position would have been created, and maybe it will in the future. I might be disappointed, but I shouldn't be crushed.
I might put a 10% chance of the position being created, and me getting the job. That's the proper perspective to get excited about. There's a relatively small chance, but a chance. The other 30% is the chance that the position is created, but for whatever reason, I don't get the job. That would be pretty devastating.
At that point, I could step back and look at it in total. 90% chance I don't get it, 30% I don't get it in a way that's going to be hard to take, 10% chance I get it. That's certainly enough to be hopeful about, without mentally crushing myself about it.
Of course, all of that is easier said than done. It's a defense mechanism to try and protect me from my own defense mechanism. Feelings aren't rational, and most of the time when I'm hopeful, it's based not on a rational expectation, but instead on a feeling. All I can really do is try my best to think my way through it, and not allow myself to be disappointed over something that hasn't even happened yet...there's enough real disappointment in the world without creating my own.
The point of the post was that I should avoid this 'false hope'. What I may not have been as clear about is the need for hope in general. Rather than getting overly excited about something, then crashing down, I need to put it in a realistic perspective. Let's see if I can come up with an example.
Let's say there's a rumor of a new job opening that I think I would be a perfect fit for. Rather than getting too excited about it up front, I need to put it in proper perspective, take a step back and really look at it. I may determine that there's a 60% chance that it's just that...a rumor. No new position exists. Now, while that would suck, I could deal with it...it wasn't that I didn't get it, it wasn't there to begin with. This is where the 'false hope' needs to be avoided. NOTHING HAS CHANGED...there is certainly no reason to be depressed about it. I may wish the position would have been created, and maybe it will in the future. I might be disappointed, but I shouldn't be crushed.
I might put a 10% chance of the position being created, and me getting the job. That's the proper perspective to get excited about. There's a relatively small chance, but a chance. The other 30% is the chance that the position is created, but for whatever reason, I don't get the job. That would be pretty devastating.
At that point, I could step back and look at it in total. 90% chance I don't get it, 30% I don't get it in a way that's going to be hard to take, 10% chance I get it. That's certainly enough to be hopeful about, without mentally crushing myself about it.
Of course, all of that is easier said than done. It's a defense mechanism to try and protect me from my own defense mechanism. Feelings aren't rational, and most of the time when I'm hopeful, it's based not on a rational expectation, but instead on a feeling. All I can really do is try my best to think my way through it, and not allow myself to be disappointed over something that hasn't even happened yet...there's enough real disappointment in the world without creating my own.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Taking chances
Sunday. Always tough after a long weekend with my boy. But I managed to get through it, and it actually turned out to be a pretty damn fine day.
In life, we are often stuck with decisions where we don't know where to go, or what to do. Actually, that seems to be most of the decisions we face. It seems we can decide to do nothing, and face the specter of what might have been, or take a chance. Unfortunately, it's rarely the case where that 'chance' doesn't uproot our lives. For example, I might get an offer for another job (please??) At that point, I have to make a decision: do I give up my current job, which isn't making me happy, but is at least 'comfortable', to take a chance on the new one? Or do I stay with the familiar, and give up the opportunity of what *could* be what I've always hoped for?
It's never an easy decision. Sometimes, it's worked out for me, and sometimes it hasn't. All I can ever do is follow my heart, and my gut, and make the best decision I can make. When it's left me in a worse situation (damn you, Panasonic!), I had to kind of start over. But at the time, I made the best decision I could make. Looking back, although I regret the results, I don't regret the decision. Yes, I would have been better off staying where I was, but I learned a lot, and it's given me an opportunity to grow. And frankly, although I was definitely worse off when I moved, I certainly wasn't happy where I was, or I wouldn't have been looking in the first place.
We make the best decisions we can make, and we deal with the consequences of them. Sometimes, it's a step up, and other times, a step back. But, what's worse? Staying where we are, and wondering what might have been, or taking a chance on getting whatever it is we're looking for? Although I've been accused of being rather pessimistic, I'm optimistic enough to know that sometimes, I just have to take that chance. You never know...I may find exactly what I'm looking for. I certainly can't find it by NOT taking that chance.
In life, we are often stuck with decisions where we don't know where to go, or what to do. Actually, that seems to be most of the decisions we face. It seems we can decide to do nothing, and face the specter of what might have been, or take a chance. Unfortunately, it's rarely the case where that 'chance' doesn't uproot our lives. For example, I might get an offer for another job (please??) At that point, I have to make a decision: do I give up my current job, which isn't making me happy, but is at least 'comfortable', to take a chance on the new one? Or do I stay with the familiar, and give up the opportunity of what *could* be what I've always hoped for?
It's never an easy decision. Sometimes, it's worked out for me, and sometimes it hasn't. All I can ever do is follow my heart, and my gut, and make the best decision I can make. When it's left me in a worse situation (damn you, Panasonic!), I had to kind of start over. But at the time, I made the best decision I could make. Looking back, although I regret the results, I don't regret the decision. Yes, I would have been better off staying where I was, but I learned a lot, and it's given me an opportunity to grow. And frankly, although I was definitely worse off when I moved, I certainly wasn't happy where I was, or I wouldn't have been looking in the first place.
We make the best decisions we can make, and we deal with the consequences of them. Sometimes, it's a step up, and other times, a step back. But, what's worse? Staying where we are, and wondering what might have been, or taking a chance on getting whatever it is we're looking for? Although I've been accused of being rather pessimistic, I'm optimistic enough to know that sometimes, I just have to take that chance. You never know...I may find exactly what I'm looking for. I certainly can't find it by NOT taking that chance.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Knots in my spaghetti
Reading over my posts from the last few days, there was quite a bit of rambling...lots of different thoughts thrown together. I had a theme in mind when I started, and just kind of got lost during the execution.
This happens to me a lot...trying to follow my thoughts when I'm just thinking at random is like trying to untangle a bowl of spaghetti sometimes. I'm actually okay with that. When I'm thinking of lots of things, I'm not focused on any one thing.
Where I get into trouble is when I keep coming back to the same thing, over and over. That's when things become dicey for me. I start picking at it, tearing it apart from all angles...over-analyzing. That kind of thing works great for puzzles and math problems. Eventually, I'll find the solution. But real life doesn't always have a solution, and language is often inadequate in describing real life. Real life can't always be described and analyzed in ways that make sense. So I end up analyzing the language.
One example. Someone tells you they 'love you'. What exactly does that mean? We have a notion of what 'love' means. But ultimately, it becomes a question of context and intent. It means something different when my son tells me he loves me, as opposed to my father, or someone I've helped with a problem. And even coming from the same person, it can mean different things at different times. Spending time over-analyzing something like that can drive you crazy. And even if you can get a handle on the words themselves, there's always the context and intent to tear apart.
I try to avoid these philosophical discussions with myself. Much easier to accept situations for what they are, and not spend a lot of time "thinking" about them. I TRY not to over-analyze...I really do. Not always successfully, though. Sometimes my spaghetti gets tied in a knot.
This happens to me a lot...trying to follow my thoughts when I'm just thinking at random is like trying to untangle a bowl of spaghetti sometimes. I'm actually okay with that. When I'm thinking of lots of things, I'm not focused on any one thing.
Where I get into trouble is when I keep coming back to the same thing, over and over. That's when things become dicey for me. I start picking at it, tearing it apart from all angles...over-analyzing. That kind of thing works great for puzzles and math problems. Eventually, I'll find the solution. But real life doesn't always have a solution, and language is often inadequate in describing real life. Real life can't always be described and analyzed in ways that make sense. So I end up analyzing the language.
One example. Someone tells you they 'love you'. What exactly does that mean? We have a notion of what 'love' means. But ultimately, it becomes a question of context and intent. It means something different when my son tells me he loves me, as opposed to my father, or someone I've helped with a problem. And even coming from the same person, it can mean different things at different times. Spending time over-analyzing something like that can drive you crazy. And even if you can get a handle on the words themselves, there's always the context and intent to tear apart.
I try to avoid these philosophical discussions with myself. Much easier to accept situations for what they are, and not spend a lot of time "thinking" about them. I TRY not to over-analyze...I really do. Not always successfully, though. Sometimes my spaghetti gets tied in a knot.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Friday, Friday
Friday, the end of a long week. My truck went into the shop for some fairly expensive repairs, I spent the week wondering if I was going to lose my cat, and it wasn't exactly a party at work. As evidenced by my last couple posts, I have been in a pretty down mood all week.
But...Friday. I got my truck back, and everything appears to be fixed. The cat is still very thin, and isn't eating as well as I would like, but she's still here. My boy is with me until Sunday, and that always makes me feel better. All in all, not a bad end to the week.
I was reminded today that I need to be careful with what I say...I tend to throw out vague statements that mean something pretty specific to me, but could be taken for something I didn't necessarily intend. I try not to make vague personal attacks in public, though...if something is on my mind enough to do that, then it almost by definition has to be important enough for me to approach the person directly. I obviously don't mind sharing (parts) of my life with the 'public', but I try to keep the arguments and attacks 'in-house', so to speak. What may seem like an attack on someone is more than likely just something dumb I thought up and felt like sharing. Today it was about people lying to themselves...something that, as realistic as I am, I've been known to do from time to time. It kind of goes hand-in-hand with the time-wasting post from yesterday. I should neither waste my time, nor lie to myself about what I'm doing or where I'm heading. If I can't be honest with myself, how can I be honest with anyone else?
It got me thinking, though, that there's the argument to be made that if you feel it's about you, even if it isn't, then maybe it in some way was. I think this is why music can have such an effect on us. Obviously, the songwriter wasn't thinking about ME when he wrote the song...they were trying to get a message out, whether about their life or just something they wanted to say. But some songs speak to me, intended or not. I've read stories and such that are much the same...no, they weren't necessarily talking about me, but maybe they could have been. Just like the best movies, books, and songs, life can often hides messages around for us that can speak if we're listening.
To paraphrase something Carly Simon once said, you might think that post/entry/song/poem/story/movie, etc. is about you...and if you do, you might just be right (whether anyone actually intended it to be or not.)
But...Friday. I got my truck back, and everything appears to be fixed. The cat is still very thin, and isn't eating as well as I would like, but she's still here. My boy is with me until Sunday, and that always makes me feel better. All in all, not a bad end to the week.
I was reminded today that I need to be careful with what I say...I tend to throw out vague statements that mean something pretty specific to me, but could be taken for something I didn't necessarily intend. I try not to make vague personal attacks in public, though...if something is on my mind enough to do that, then it almost by definition has to be important enough for me to approach the person directly. I obviously don't mind sharing (parts) of my life with the 'public', but I try to keep the arguments and attacks 'in-house', so to speak. What may seem like an attack on someone is more than likely just something dumb I thought up and felt like sharing. Today it was about people lying to themselves...something that, as realistic as I am, I've been known to do from time to time. It kind of goes hand-in-hand with the time-wasting post from yesterday. I should neither waste my time, nor lie to myself about what I'm doing or where I'm heading. If I can't be honest with myself, how can I be honest with anyone else?
It got me thinking, though, that there's the argument to be made that if you feel it's about you, even if it isn't, then maybe it in some way was. I think this is why music can have such an effect on us. Obviously, the songwriter wasn't thinking about ME when he wrote the song...they were trying to get a message out, whether about their life or just something they wanted to say. But some songs speak to me, intended or not. I've read stories and such that are much the same...no, they weren't necessarily talking about me, but maybe they could have been. Just like the best movies, books, and songs, life can often hides messages around for us that can speak if we're listening.
To paraphrase something Carly Simon once said, you might think that post/entry/song/poem/story/movie, etc. is about you...and if you do, you might just be right (whether anyone actually intended it to be or not.)
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Don't waste your time
Made a post on FB today about wasting time. Time is the one limited resource we have, and one that we take for granted far too often. But what is a waste of time? I think it would be hard to classify things you enjoy doing as a waste of time, or things that we do in pursuit of a goal. It's difficult to judge those things up front, though. Here's two examples from my life.
I was 'dating' a girl who I knew from the beginning wasn't interested in a relationship. She made it pretty clear that she was interested in me because she thought I was good in bed (and, ahem...I am.) I, on the other hand, wanted a relationship. I pursued this for about six months, off and on. We'd talk on the phone, text, and I'd go visit whenever she asked me. This was clearly a waste of time for me...I wasn't pursuing my goal, and I allowed this relationship to interfere with others that were not only likely to be healthier for me, but could have been working toward the goal I was pursuing. I stubbornly kept at it, though, even when it became obvious it wasn't going anywhere.
On the other hand, as I mentioned yesterday, I went after a girl who I both knew wasn't interested in me, AND had a live-in boyfriend. That should have had red flags all over it...I should never have gone after her. In 99 cases out of 100, that's a waste of time. In this case, however, I thought early on that I had a shot, and I was right. Fifteen years and one beautiful kid. Obviously not a waste of time.
What's the big difference between the two? Results. I was unrealistic about the results in the first case...I ignored the signs completely. In the second case, I was realistic about them, but thought I could achieve what I was looking for. The key for me, I guess, is that I need to be more mindful of the likely results of the situations I put myself in, and when I see that I'm not likely to be pursuing my goals, cut my losses. As far as I know, I only have one chance at this life...it's too short to spend chasing mirages.
I was 'dating' a girl who I knew from the beginning wasn't interested in a relationship. She made it pretty clear that she was interested in me because she thought I was good in bed (and, ahem...I am.) I, on the other hand, wanted a relationship. I pursued this for about six months, off and on. We'd talk on the phone, text, and I'd go visit whenever she asked me. This was clearly a waste of time for me...I wasn't pursuing my goal, and I allowed this relationship to interfere with others that were not only likely to be healthier for me, but could have been working toward the goal I was pursuing. I stubbornly kept at it, though, even when it became obvious it wasn't going anywhere.
On the other hand, as I mentioned yesterday, I went after a girl who I both knew wasn't interested in me, AND had a live-in boyfriend. That should have had red flags all over it...I should never have gone after her. In 99 cases out of 100, that's a waste of time. In this case, however, I thought early on that I had a shot, and I was right. Fifteen years and one beautiful kid. Obviously not a waste of time.
What's the big difference between the two? Results. I was unrealistic about the results in the first case...I ignored the signs completely. In the second case, I was realistic about them, but thought I could achieve what I was looking for. The key for me, I guess, is that I need to be more mindful of the likely results of the situations I put myself in, and when I see that I'm not likely to be pursuing my goals, cut my losses. As far as I know, I only have one chance at this life...it's too short to spend chasing mirages.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Counting my blessings and a PSA
So, let's be honest. Today has sucked. Truck's in the shop, and we're already at $2k and they're not done. I'm going to spend more repairing it than what's worth. The kitty's not eating as much today, and to top it off, the plumbing backed up. Just not a fun day.
BUT, I'm trying not to focus on that. Truth is, I'm still fairly fortunate. Yes, the truck needs repaired, and it's going to be expensive as hell. I'm lucky to have a pretty good job, and smart enough to prepare for shit like this, so it's unlikely that I'm going to have to skip any meals in order to get it fixed. In reality, it's an inconvenience for me, where it might be a crisis for someone else.
There are a lot of things that, when taken from that view, I should be more positive about. While it is true that my family has all left me here while they moved to some place warm, at least I have a family. No, I don't get to see them daily, but I can call my dad whenever I'd like. He may not answer, but the option is there.
Yes, it's pretty much just me and my sick cat here. That's been my choice, however. Truthfully, it's not as though I don't have other options. I've chosen not to accept them, for one reason or another. Same with the dating...it isn't as though I never go out, and I do have options. I know this. I'm not hideously deformed, nor am I an insufferable asshole. One of those I count as lucky, the other is just a result of a decent upbringing and a decision on my part.
Anyway...counting the blessings instead of bemoaning how horrible the day was. Or trying to, at least.
This should probably be a post to itself, but since I brought up 'insufferable assholes', this came to mind. It's a discussion I've had many times, and even though I'm getting old, I STILL don't get it. I can't keep track of how many women I know (or knew) that stay with some piece of shit husband/boyfriend to their own detriment. I just don't get it. I've heard all the reasons...'he doesn't *usually* act that way with me', 'I thought I could change him', 'but he really loves me', 'he's just going through a rough time.' I guess I shouldn't complain...my move used to be 'see that piece of shit your with? I'm better, come along with me.' It worked more often than you'd think...it's how I got my (ex-)wife.
In her situation, she was living with a guy who didn't have a job. She paid most of the bills, drove him around since he didn't have a car, and took his shit for a long time. She's a smart woman...I have no idea what she saw in him. To hear her tell it, his situation was supposed to be temporary. But the dude had already been married and left his wife with the kids. Why on God's earth did she think he would change? Luckily for both of us, I came along, she saw the error of her ways, and we had 15 years together, at least most of which were pretty damn good.
I have other friends...one got knocked up by an alcoholic piece of crap, only for him to leave her with three young kids. One married a guy who was known for fighting, and was surprised when he hit her. One is with a guy who had already been divorced twice before with two other kids, and she was shocked when he left her when she got pregnant.
Ladies, there ARE decent guys out there. They may not be the best looking, or have the most money, or be a champion in the bedroom. But they won't hit you, they won't leave you with a pile of bills, and they won't drop you and their kids as soon as they decide they want a different piece of ass. No guy is perfect (and neither is any woman), but if you guys would stop dating the assholes, we might have fewer of them around. I realize that 'dangerous is sexy' and all that, but is that worth ruining your lives over? One of those mysteries I'll probably never understand, I guess.
BUT, I'm trying not to focus on that. Truth is, I'm still fairly fortunate. Yes, the truck needs repaired, and it's going to be expensive as hell. I'm lucky to have a pretty good job, and smart enough to prepare for shit like this, so it's unlikely that I'm going to have to skip any meals in order to get it fixed. In reality, it's an inconvenience for me, where it might be a crisis for someone else.
There are a lot of things that, when taken from that view, I should be more positive about. While it is true that my family has all left me here while they moved to some place warm, at least I have a family. No, I don't get to see them daily, but I can call my dad whenever I'd like. He may not answer, but the option is there.
Yes, it's pretty much just me and my sick cat here. That's been my choice, however. Truthfully, it's not as though I don't have other options. I've chosen not to accept them, for one reason or another. Same with the dating...it isn't as though I never go out, and I do have options. I know this. I'm not hideously deformed, nor am I an insufferable asshole. One of those I count as lucky, the other is just a result of a decent upbringing and a decision on my part.
Anyway...counting the blessings instead of bemoaning how horrible the day was. Or trying to, at least.
This should probably be a post to itself, but since I brought up 'insufferable assholes', this came to mind. It's a discussion I've had many times, and even though I'm getting old, I STILL don't get it. I can't keep track of how many women I know (or knew) that stay with some piece of shit husband/boyfriend to their own detriment. I just don't get it. I've heard all the reasons...'he doesn't *usually* act that way with me', 'I thought I could change him', 'but he really loves me', 'he's just going through a rough time.' I guess I shouldn't complain...my move used to be 'see that piece of shit your with? I'm better, come along with me.' It worked more often than you'd think...it's how I got my (ex-)wife.
In her situation, she was living with a guy who didn't have a job. She paid most of the bills, drove him around since he didn't have a car, and took his shit for a long time. She's a smart woman...I have no idea what she saw in him. To hear her tell it, his situation was supposed to be temporary. But the dude had already been married and left his wife with the kids. Why on God's earth did she think he would change? Luckily for both of us, I came along, she saw the error of her ways, and we had 15 years together, at least most of which were pretty damn good.
I have other friends...one got knocked up by an alcoholic piece of crap, only for him to leave her with three young kids. One married a guy who was known for fighting, and was surprised when he hit her. One is with a guy who had already been divorced twice before with two other kids, and she was shocked when he left her when she got pregnant.
Ladies, there ARE decent guys out there. They may not be the best looking, or have the most money, or be a champion in the bedroom. But they won't hit you, they won't leave you with a pile of bills, and they won't drop you and their kids as soon as they decide they want a different piece of ass. No guy is perfect (and neither is any woman), but if you guys would stop dating the assholes, we might have fewer of them around. I realize that 'dangerous is sexy' and all that, but is that worth ruining your lives over? One of those mysteries I'll probably never understand, I guess.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
'Mental-me' vs. 'Real-me'
Let's see if I can write something that makes a little bit of sense. First, the kitty update: she actually ate something on her own last night! She ate some grilled chicken that I had made myself for dinner. Again, I know that she's still on borrowed time, but every day she eats is another day I get to keep her around. One day at a time.
So, this concept of 'mental-me' versus 'real-me.' I think it's common to everyone, and this probably isn't even an original idea, but it struck me yesterday. If I can fully accept it, maybe I can be a little more forgiving of myself and others.
What I'm thinking is that everyone has this mental image of themselves (mental-me) that is the person we want to be. Mental-me wants to be healthier and happier, and has a plan to get there.
Then there's the person that you actually are (real-me). Real-me has routines, bad habits, and needs that mental-me doesn't.
I think we often talk about things in the future, or things we want to do, from the perspective of 'mental-me.' When I go to the grocery store, 'mental-me' wants to go on a diet, so I buy carrots and salads with the full intention of actually losing some weight. Then, 'real-me' takes over in the moment and eats potato chips for dinner.
'Mental-me' wants to be in a healthy relationship. 'Real-me' will accept being used or being unhappy if it brings needed companionship, or avoids confrontation. I remember talking about getting a divorce a full year before I actually did. 'Mental-me' knew it wasn't a good situation, and wanted to fix it. 'Real-me' was lazy, and valued the immediate needs of having someone around over long-term happiness. Eventually, these two 'me's' came together, but it took a while.
I think we often say or do things based on our best intentions. Some of us have the 'mental' and the 'real' who get along pretty well. Others, it's more of a struggle. I guess what I'm saying is when I say I intend on going to that party, calling you back, losing weight, getting healthy (mentally and physically), 'mental-me' fully intends to do so. As long as 'real-me' doesn't get in the way.
And maybe I'm not being lied to sometimes...maybe someone else is fighting that same struggle. Or, I could be being lied to. I said yesterday that honesty is found not in words or the short term, but rather in the long term. If what I'm told isn't followed up by actions, then it doesn't really matter if it's failed intentions or a lie...it's all the same results. When it comes down to it, results are all that matter. That takes getting the 'mental-me' and 'real-me' on the same page, working towards the same goal...that's who I want to be, and the best people to surround yourself with.
So, this concept of 'mental-me' versus 'real-me.' I think it's common to everyone, and this probably isn't even an original idea, but it struck me yesterday. If I can fully accept it, maybe I can be a little more forgiving of myself and others.
What I'm thinking is that everyone has this mental image of themselves (mental-me) that is the person we want to be. Mental-me wants to be healthier and happier, and has a plan to get there.
Then there's the person that you actually are (real-me). Real-me has routines, bad habits, and needs that mental-me doesn't.
I think we often talk about things in the future, or things we want to do, from the perspective of 'mental-me.' When I go to the grocery store, 'mental-me' wants to go on a diet, so I buy carrots and salads with the full intention of actually losing some weight. Then, 'real-me' takes over in the moment and eats potato chips for dinner.
'Mental-me' wants to be in a healthy relationship. 'Real-me' will accept being used or being unhappy if it brings needed companionship, or avoids confrontation. I remember talking about getting a divorce a full year before I actually did. 'Mental-me' knew it wasn't a good situation, and wanted to fix it. 'Real-me' was lazy, and valued the immediate needs of having someone around over long-term happiness. Eventually, these two 'me's' came together, but it took a while.
I think we often say or do things based on our best intentions. Some of us have the 'mental' and the 'real' who get along pretty well. Others, it's more of a struggle. I guess what I'm saying is when I say I intend on going to that party, calling you back, losing weight, getting healthy (mentally and physically), 'mental-me' fully intends to do so. As long as 'real-me' doesn't get in the way.
And maybe I'm not being lied to sometimes...maybe someone else is fighting that same struggle. Or, I could be being lied to. I said yesterday that honesty is found not in words or the short term, but rather in the long term. If what I'm told isn't followed up by actions, then it doesn't really matter if it's failed intentions or a lie...it's all the same results. When it comes down to it, results are all that matter. That takes getting the 'mental-me' and 'real-me' on the same page, working towards the same goal...that's who I want to be, and the best people to surround yourself with.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Mentally spanking myself
Blah. That about sums up today. It hasn't stopped raining all day (at least it's not snow...see, I can be positive!) The cat still won't eat. And I'm feeling guilty for more things that I shouldn't.
Of course, that's not news. I've said before, no one knows how to beat me up like I do. And sometimes, I certainly deserve it. It's a part of being responsible for your actions, I think. I don't get to escape from punishment just because no one else punishes me...I'll do my best to punish myself. It sounds stupid when I spell it out like that, but that's pretty much what's happening.
Take the cat, for example. It's not my fault the cat has liver disease. It's not my fault that won't eat. I'm doing my best to take care of her, and extend her life as long as I can with the hope for some sort of miracle turn-around. But I feel horribly guilty about it. I took this cat from a friend who cared a lot for her...really, she is one awesome cat. I feel more than anything like I let him down by taking her and having her in this position just a few months later. I try to tell myself that isn't the case, but as I've discussed, the rational part of my brain isn't all that great at influencing the feeling part. There are other examples, but it's that kind of thinking that brings me down.
There's this concept that I'm turning around in my head, and haven't figured out how to verbalize yet. It's the concept of the 'real-me' versus the 'mental-me.' I'm going to try and flesh it out...maybe tomorrow.
Of course, that's not news. I've said before, no one knows how to beat me up like I do. And sometimes, I certainly deserve it. It's a part of being responsible for your actions, I think. I don't get to escape from punishment just because no one else punishes me...I'll do my best to punish myself. It sounds stupid when I spell it out like that, but that's pretty much what's happening.
Take the cat, for example. It's not my fault the cat has liver disease. It's not my fault that won't eat. I'm doing my best to take care of her, and extend her life as long as I can with the hope for some sort of miracle turn-around. But I feel horribly guilty about it. I took this cat from a friend who cared a lot for her...really, she is one awesome cat. I feel more than anything like I let him down by taking her and having her in this position just a few months later. I try to tell myself that isn't the case, but as I've discussed, the rational part of my brain isn't all that great at influencing the feeling part. There are other examples, but it's that kind of thinking that brings me down.
There's this concept that I'm turning around in my head, and haven't figured out how to verbalize yet. It's the concept of the 'real-me' versus the 'mental-me.' I'm going to try and flesh it out...maybe tomorrow.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
False hope
Another Sunday. Still trying my best to take care of the cat...she still hasn't decided to eat on her own. If she doesn't change her mind, there's really not much I can do. I feel horrible about it. It may totally be a coincidence that she got sick the day I left for vacation. I have no idea. What I do know is that I left, she stopped eating, and now, unless she starts again, I'm going to have to make a decision about whether or not to end her suffering. I know a 'real' man would probably be able to do that, for the good of cat and all that, but it's a decision I will struggle with mightily.
That didn't help me get much sleep last night. I also spent a large portion of time just trying to figure out where in the hell I'm going. I come off as much more pessimistic as I really am...that's not to say that I'm not, just that I'm much more hopeful than I let on. I try not to be. If expectations are the main cause of disappointment in my life, false hope is a close second. I've faced it all the time because I let my imagination get away from me. Someone calls about a possible job, and I'm dreaming of the new place before I've even had an interview...only for them to not even call and schedule one. I meet someone new, and I'm thinking of what our relationship is going to be like...and she's not even interested. My kitty takes a bite of food on her own, and I'm thinking of how I'm going to discuss the close call down the road...only for her to refuse to take a second bite.
These aren't really 'expectations', in that I have no real feeling that they're going to happen. I am realistic. But they can be hopes that I let run away with me. And it's hard not to feel that little twinge of excitement when thinking about them. Another problem solved. Then, the 'rational' part takes over, and I feel the disappointment just a strongly as if it was an expectation that didn't come to pass. Not a damn thing has changed in the five minutes between those thoughts...just my head screwing with me. It can be frustrating when you are your own worst enemy.
That didn't help me get much sleep last night. I also spent a large portion of time just trying to figure out where in the hell I'm going. I come off as much more pessimistic as I really am...that's not to say that I'm not, just that I'm much more hopeful than I let on. I try not to be. If expectations are the main cause of disappointment in my life, false hope is a close second. I've faced it all the time because I let my imagination get away from me. Someone calls about a possible job, and I'm dreaming of the new place before I've even had an interview...only for them to not even call and schedule one. I meet someone new, and I'm thinking of what our relationship is going to be like...and she's not even interested. My kitty takes a bite of food on her own, and I'm thinking of how I'm going to discuss the close call down the road...only for her to refuse to take a second bite.
These aren't really 'expectations', in that I have no real feeling that they're going to happen. I am realistic. But they can be hopes that I let run away with me. And it's hard not to feel that little twinge of excitement when thinking about them. Another problem solved. Then, the 'rational' part takes over, and I feel the disappointment just a strongly as if it was an expectation that didn't come to pass. Not a damn thing has changed in the five minutes between those thoughts...just my head screwing with me. It can be frustrating when you are your own worst enemy.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Lost and found
I honestly have no idea what I'm doing sometimes. I feel like I'm on the path of figuring it out, then something happens and I'm lost again. Or vice-versa.
I haven't had much luck with pets. I have a cat that I've grown pretty fond of...she's very affectionate, and when I talk to her I don't feel crazy for talking to myself out loud. She may not understand a word I'm saying, but she 'listens' all the same. My cat has been sick for a week or so. I figured that she was mad at me for going on vacation...she gets mad at me sometimes (just like most other women in my life.) Today, I took her to the vet and found out it's much more serious than that. Fact is, odds are very slim that she'll be here this time next week. I made the comment yesterday that maybe it's a sign that I should be alone...that I deserve it. I don't *really* think that's true, but sometimes it sure feels like it.
Then I had coffee with a friend, and remembered how nice it is to just sit and talk with someone that talks back. To just have someone listen and respond. Of course, I did most of the talking, but she was polite enough to appear interested. The point is, I miss that. Maybe I DO deserve to be alone...but I sure don't WANT to be alone. I've said before here in my ramblings that I believe I'm perfect for someone. 'Perfect' in this sense means something special (see the earlier post), and I may never find her. But sometimes all it takes is a little thing to re-kindle my faith that she exists...and that's enough.
I haven't had much luck with pets. I have a cat that I've grown pretty fond of...she's very affectionate, and when I talk to her I don't feel crazy for talking to myself out loud. She may not understand a word I'm saying, but she 'listens' all the same. My cat has been sick for a week or so. I figured that she was mad at me for going on vacation...she gets mad at me sometimes (just like most other women in my life.) Today, I took her to the vet and found out it's much more serious than that. Fact is, odds are very slim that she'll be here this time next week. I made the comment yesterday that maybe it's a sign that I should be alone...that I deserve it. I don't *really* think that's true, but sometimes it sure feels like it.
Then I had coffee with a friend, and remembered how nice it is to just sit and talk with someone that talks back. To just have someone listen and respond. Of course, I did most of the talking, but she was polite enough to appear interested. The point is, I miss that. Maybe I DO deserve to be alone...but I sure don't WANT to be alone. I've said before here in my ramblings that I believe I'm perfect for someone. 'Perfect' in this sense means something special (see the earlier post), and I may never find her. But sometimes all it takes is a little thing to re-kindle my faith that she exists...and that's enough.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Exposing myself (not like that...)
My purpose in writing this blog is, basically, to get the things in my head down on 'paper.' It's a self-help mechanism, a sounding board, a way to express myself. I've found in therapeutic in as much as it helps me put into words what I'm thinking or feeling. I've put it out here in public for a couple reasons...one, if I feel that there are readers (even if there aren't), I feel a bit of a commitment to do it. Two, I think I have to be honest. If I'm not, there's always the possibility that I'll get called on my bullshit. Third, maybe it'll help someone else. Maybe by verbalizing what I'm feeling, I can help them with whatever issue they have. I'm not talented enough to write poetry, or sing songs, or paint...but I have always had a least some ability to express myself.
All that being said, I still feel that bit of exposure when I've found someone has read it that I didn't expect. I can see the statistics...I know that there are SOME people out there that read this shit. I tend to ignore that as much as possible, though. My goal has never been to write FOR you, it's to write TO me and share it with you. In "real" life, I'm the type of person that is typically very quiet, until you get to know me. Put me in a room full of strangers, and you won't know I'm there. In a room full of my friends, or at least people I'm familiar with, I'll be in the front of the room holding court.
I guess what I'm saying is that I treat this space as a room full of friends. I share much more than I would if I was out in public...which, of course, is why I have such problems meeting new people. I can be fairly personable, I have a pretty good (if sometimes dirty) sense of humor, and I can speak intelligently on a lot of different topics (or at least fake it.) So why try so hard to fade into the background? If I could treat the 'real' world like I do the 'unseen' world here, I think I would be a lot better off. Maybe if I could just get everyone to turn around for a couple minutes? No? Okay...guess I'll just have to work on it.
All that being said, I still feel that bit of exposure when I've found someone has read it that I didn't expect. I can see the statistics...I know that there are SOME people out there that read this shit. I tend to ignore that as much as possible, though. My goal has never been to write FOR you, it's to write TO me and share it with you. In "real" life, I'm the type of person that is typically very quiet, until you get to know me. Put me in a room full of strangers, and you won't know I'm there. In a room full of my friends, or at least people I'm familiar with, I'll be in the front of the room holding court.
I guess what I'm saying is that I treat this space as a room full of friends. I share much more than I would if I was out in public...which, of course, is why I have such problems meeting new people. I can be fairly personable, I have a pretty good (if sometimes dirty) sense of humor, and I can speak intelligently on a lot of different topics (or at least fake it.) So why try so hard to fade into the background? If I could treat the 'real' world like I do the 'unseen' world here, I think I would be a lot better off. Maybe if I could just get everyone to turn around for a couple minutes? No? Okay...guess I'll just have to work on it.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Idiot
Turning yet another puzzle around in my mind...another one of those things that is probably nothing, but once it gets into my head, it's hard to get out. The question I'm asking myself now is about the kind of image I present. Despite how it may seem, I'm really not that bad a guy most of the time...sure, I talk down about myself, and I'm not my favorite person sometimes, but all in all, I don't horrify myself. I don't really think I deserve to be alone...frankly, I think I'm a lot better than some guys out there. Here's what got me thinking about it.
Yesterday, I made a post of FB that I thought would be funny, something about my attraction to women in glasses and sweatpants (see yesterday's post.) One of my friends asked why I was still single, seeing as how I'm fairly easy to please. I responded that although I'm easy, I'm an idiot. Now, that's true...I am. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be alone, would I? I've done some stupid things, no doubt. But I'm trying to learn, and I'm confident I'll do better with my next chance.
Anyway, another friend liked my comment. I responded that I wasn't sure if she liked it because she thought it was funny, thought I was an idiot, or both. Of course, she said 'both'. While I was glad she found it funny, I had to wonder what I've done to make her think I was an idiot. Her comment provoked two responses I received. One, she was flirting with me (ha, fat chance. HIGHLY doubt that.) Two, someone asked when I dated her and why'd we break up. In fact, I've never dated her, haven't even met her. Just from what I've seen on FB, I think she's awesome...but we've never dated. My initial thought was she was being funny, and I'll admit, I did laugh when I read it.
But what if she wasn't? What basis have I given her to think I was an idiot? It could be that she knows someone I've dated, and is getting the information from there. Or, she could be taking my self-deprecation at face value, and assuming that since I am constantly putting myself down, I must indeed BE the idiot I say I am. Regardless, it got me thinking more about what I say, and how I say it. I'm not usually very careful...I'll put myself down at the drop of a hat, and I say whatever pops in my head. While that isn't usually a bad thing for me, I should probably take the time to step back and evaluate the message I'm sending...people might just believe me.
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