Trust

Been kind of hit or miss on updating the blog lately. It's not really that I don't have much to say as much as it is that I can't seem to keep all my thoughts straight. Not unusual for that to happen to me, but I can usually figure it out before long.

So, I have trust issues. Seems just about everyone does, to one degree or another. Somebody screws you over, and if you let it, it can be something that stays with you forever. It's something that I try to put a lid on, to bottle up and contain, because it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with anyone if you don't trust them. If I can't trust my friend, I won't be able to rely on them to be...well, a friend.

I'm not real sure where mine come from. Maybe it's the fact that my mother left when I was young. Although I didn't think it affected me much, it's not impossible that it caused some issues to develop. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been in relationships where I've felt used for one reason or another, and now I'm just gun-shy. It's certainly true that I've felt that. Whether it be for money, security, sex...there have been occasions where I didn't make someone treat me a little better. And I'm sure there have people that feel that way about me. You get treated how you'll accept being treated, though, so I deserve it if I allow someone to walk on me. If you feel that way about me, all I can do is apologize.

Obviously, everyone deals with it in different ways. I've been trying to work on mine...to allow myself to trust people. It's a difficult thing to do sometimes...when you have trust issues, everything looks shady, and everyone is out to break your heart. Trusting someone means giving them the power to do that. It's hard not to throw up the shields every time it looks like someone has hurting you on their mind. It's hard to let go, and trust that you're not going to hit the ground, or worse, fall forever. I don't think it's possible to find true happiness without finding true trust, though, in someone, even if it's yourself. Eventually, you have to lower your guard, and have faith.