Catching up, part 2

So, what happens when you're on the verge of possibly having everything you're looking for? If you're me, you probably do something stupid to screw it up. But I'm trying really hard not to do that...not to self-destruct like I have so many times before, to allow myself to roll with it and be HAPPY.

So, I'll just say it...I met someone. Someone who is intelligent, funny, beautiful, and has a good heart. Is she the 'one'? God only knows. She could just as easily walk out of my life as quickly as she walked in. The timing of our meeting absolutely sucks. Both just getting out of long term relationships, it's the holidays, and we both have 'drama' to deal with. I'm trying really hard to be pragmatic about everything...but it's hard not to be excited about it.

This post isn't really about her, though (she'll get her own post down the road, maybe.) It's about how I feel. I am really excited about it. I'm trying really hard not to do everything I've done in the past that hasn't worked. It's difficult not to automatically fall back on my defense mechanisms...mainly, throw up the wall so I can't get hurt. There are reasons to be wary. Like I said, both getting out of relationships, challenges on both sides to deal with, and my insecurities are alive and well, and kicking my ass sometimes.

Oh, insecurity. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not a good lover. She could do so much better. I'm boring, a dork, and I've destroyed every relationship I've ever been in. I think all those things are true...sometimes. But the truth is, none of that matters. I mean it does, but dwelling on it is one of the surest ways to failure. As I've said before, people that are close to you are often a mirror of what you're projecting. I don't want to project those things. It's a hard thing to change, but I'm trying.

I'm also trying to keep the wall down, to actually do and say what's in my heart instead of what's in my head. It's a really, really tough thing for me to do. It makes me feel vulnerable, and since my emotional makeup is sometimes that of a 12 year old girl, makes me feel weak. My head tells me to shut the hell up, to protect myself, to not allow people to see who I really am. I can do it here, because there aren't that many people listening, and those that are are doing so because they're interested. And by now, they know who I am. It's also rather impersonal...I'm just talking to myself, out loud in print. The worst that can happen is that I get a nasty comment or such that makes me feel stupid.

It's the never-ending war between my head and my heart (and occasionally my penis speaks up...I ignore him, though...he's a moron most of the time.) As opposed to all those failures in the past, I'm trying not to allow my head to get the last word in. Letting my heart rule leaves me open, and vulnerable, and a little scared. And there's the chance that it could end up being one of the worst things I've ever done. BUT, it could also end up being one of the best. I've tried it so often the other way, and that's got me here. Terrifying as it might be, maybe it's time to try something else. Who knows...it might just be the key to finding what I've been looking for.