I honestly have no idea what I'm doing sometimes. I feel like I'm on the path of figuring it out, then something happens and I'm lost again. Or vice-versa.
I haven't had much luck with pets. I have a cat that I've grown pretty fond of...she's very affectionate, and when I talk to her I don't feel crazy for talking to myself out loud. She may not understand a word I'm saying, but she 'listens' all the same. My cat has been sick for a week or so. I figured that she was mad at me for going on vacation...she gets mad at me sometimes (just like most other women in my life.) Today, I took her to the vet and found out it's much more serious than that. Fact is, odds are very slim that she'll be here this time next week. I made the comment yesterday that maybe it's a sign that I should be alone...that I deserve it. I don't *really* think that's true, but sometimes it sure feels like it.
Then I had coffee with a friend, and remembered how nice it is to just sit and talk with someone that talks back. To just have someone listen and respond. Of course, I did most of the talking, but she was polite enough to appear interested. The point is, I miss that. Maybe I DO deserve to be alone...but I sure don't WANT to be alone. I've said before here in my ramblings that I believe I'm perfect for someone. 'Perfect' in this sense means something special (see the earlier post), and I may never find her. But sometimes all it takes is a little thing to re-kindle my faith that she exists...and that's enough.
She is out there. I was looking for a long time, reaching at times even if I knew there were red flags. Once I gave up and focused on myself for 9 months to get my shit together, I stumbled across her. First time I acted like a douche and she blew me off. Second time I acted myself, and we have had a great 7 years together and it gets better every year. The best part is no one else thought we were compatible, and none of our friends would have ever thought to set us up. But we work b/c we both know what we are, what we want in life, and most importantly we learned from our mistakes.
ReplyDeleteThe key to life is following the laws of entropy (order & disorder). Build a solid foundation that under any circumstance you can count on. For some people that is religion. For me, it was just spending 9 months having fun finding out who I am, what makes me tick, and what makes me happy. Once you know yourself and are comfortable with it, you can surround yourself with the right people to compliment the "real you". Ironically, once you stop looking for her you will find her.
But be aware it is not a moment that stops time like they make it out to be in the movies. Rather it is not different then any other and it follows the laws of entropy in that it takes a lot of effort to maintain order, which equates into happiness.