Another Sunday. Still trying my best to take care of the cat...she still hasn't decided to eat on her own. If she doesn't change her mind, there's really not much I can do. I feel horrible about it. It may totally be a coincidence that she got sick the day I left for vacation. I have no idea. What I do know is that I left, she stopped eating, and now, unless she starts again, I'm going to have to make a decision about whether or not to end her suffering. I know a 'real' man would probably be able to do that, for the good of cat and all that, but it's a decision I will struggle with mightily.
That didn't help me get much sleep last night. I also spent a large portion of time just trying to figure out where in the hell I'm going. I come off as much more pessimistic as I really am...that's not to say that I'm not, just that I'm much more hopeful than I let on. I try not to be. If expectations are the main cause of disappointment in my life, false hope is a close second. I've faced it all the time because I let my imagination get away from me. Someone calls about a possible job, and I'm dreaming of the new place before I've even had an interview...only for them to not even call and schedule one. I meet someone new, and I'm thinking of what our relationship is going to be like...and she's not even interested. My kitty takes a bite of food on her own, and I'm thinking of how I'm going to discuss the close call down the road...only for her to refuse to take a second bite.
These aren't really 'expectations', in that I have no real feeling that they're going to happen. I am realistic. But they can be hopes that I let run away with me. And it's hard not to feel that little twinge of excitement when thinking about them. Another problem solved. Then, the 'rational' part takes over, and I feel the disappointment just a strongly as if it was an expectation that didn't come to pass. Not a damn thing has changed in the five minutes between those thoughts...just my head screwing with me. It can be frustrating when you are your own worst enemy.
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