Second chances?

Life does not provide us with a "reset" button, nor are we able to call for a do-over as though we were kids on the playground. As best I can tell, we get one chance. Now, occasionally we are afforded a second opportunity, but that's not really the same as getting a chance to do it over.

I've had many relationships where I've dated someone, we broke up, and then got back together (hell, it was almost a monthly occurence with my HS girlfriend.) If it was my fault that we broke up, she's giving me a second opportunity to get it right, but we're both coming into it with hurt feelings and a history. It won't be the same...I can try harder to not make the same mistakes, but the relationship has changed.

Same with everything else. I didn't get a do-over with my marriage, but if I'm ever in that situation again, hopefully I'll avoid the mistakes I made and make the best of the next opportunity. Every day is another opportunity to teach my son something...some days, he learns something valuable, and other days he learns something I might rather he didn't. I will (hopefully) get an opportunity tomorrow to try again, but it's not a do-over...what's done is done.

This line of thinking isn't one that really makes things easier on me. I think it's generally a positive outlook to think that's there's always tomorrow, that there will be another chance. It's a bit more negative to think I've got one shot at something...screw this up, and it's done. I can try again, but the circumstances will be different, so it's not quite the same. Hopefully I'm smarter about it, but I've only got one chance to get it right the first time.

A good Sunday?!?

Sunday again. As opposed to most Sundays, I'm actually doing pretty well this week. Had a great time with the boy this weekend, and I've kept myself busy today. Did some cooking...started with hard-boiled eggs. I know, nothing that special, but damn do I love them. My goals this week are to spend a little more time in my kitchen, and start eating breakfast. I love breakfast foods, but I am slow to wake. Getting up and making something isn't on the top of my list...I usually just make some coffee and go. But a friend sent me an article about how much healthier I could be if I started eating breakfast, so tomorrow starts a two-week challenge I promised. Eat something for breakfast every day, and see if I feel better. I'll give it shot.

Other than that, not much going on. I'm trying to figure out what a message I received meant...God, I think too much, I know. But we've discussed this...the only thing worse than just straight out making a fool of myself is mis-reading something and THEN making a fool of myself. It's always like surgery for me...a delicate operation, where one false move and I've completely screwed things up. Tiptoe through the minefield for now...then I'll probably stumble around like a drunken fool.

Not looking forward to work this week, but I do get to see the boy tomorrow night for trick or treating, in addition to my normal Tuesday-Thursday-Friday. I've seen him every day for over a week now. Doesn't leave me much time for anything else, but I get to see my kid...can't complain about that! Next weekend's my short weekend, though. I hate to say it, but I'm already looking a little forward to sleeping in next Sunday.

Hope everyone is having/had a great weekend. I've been surprised by how many people seem to be reading this crap...thanks for listening!

Ah, me...

Not sure I've got much to say today. I've had a headache most of the day, and I'm feeling kind of bummed out. Don't really have a reason why...it just happens, I suppose.

I went to a party last night. Lots of kids, lots of old friends, lots of people I didn't know. It was a very diverse party, including a gay couple and a lesbian couple. Now, as I've said before, I couldn't care less. I'm jealous that they're in love, but as far as who people find love in, it's not my business nor is it my concern. I'm happy for them. What surprised me a bit was not my reaction to them, but the initial reaction I received. See, I'm a Tennessee Volunteer fan, and I was wearing my UT hat and jacket. When the lesbian couple (I hate calling them that, but I don't use names here...) came in, my hat was the first thing they noticed. I think the initial reaction was "redneck", and they seemed kind of wary around me. I made an effort to overcome it, but it initially caught me off guard...not sure I've ever received that kind of reaction before. It was certainly no big deal...not like I'm a social butterfly in those situations anyway. Just an observation. For the record, both couples were hilarious, and had me rolling. Good folks.

I was thinking last night when I was trying to go to sleep...there seems to be this struggle in my head. I've said many times that I lack self-esteem, and that's true in regards to me trying to approach someone. I don't feel confident that I'd be worth their effort. On the other hand, I seem to have enough self-esteem that I think I should be good enough for SOMEONE, otherwise I don't think I would be so frustrated about it. So I guess that's the problem...I'm waiting for someone to find value enough in me to want to get to know me, but I don't feel enough value in myself to just show them. Or at least that's what I figured out while half asleep.

What a piece of work.

Perspective

perspective -

1. a way of regarding situations, facts, etc., and judging their relative importance

2. the proper or accurate point of view or the ability to see it; objectivity
Collins English Dictionary, Unabridged

I mentioned perspective a couple days ago, something about the need for me to keep the proper perspective. It's something I struggle with constantly. I have a hard time determining what's important and what isn't, and I attach significance to things that don't deserve it.

Because I often put too much value on things, I get frustrated when the truth is the item probably doesn't deserve my attention at all. For example, something will happen at work that will upset me, even though it really doesn't have anything to do with me...I'm getting upset over the principle of the thing, I suppose. That's kind of ridiculous...it's the same thing I was blasting people for yesterday. If it doesn't affect me, why do I care? Those things are items I need to just let go. I'm trying.

I'm also bad at under-valuing important things...for instance, I under-valued my marriage. I should have worked harder at fixing it. Instead, I let things spiral out of control. By the time I stepped out of the tornado, it was too late. It's a mistake I won't make again. There are things I should never let go of...again, I'm trying.

The other problem I have is figuring out the meaning of things...was it important, or did it not matter at all? I struggle with this one all the time. I am HORRIBLE at picking up hints or signals...I tend to undervalue them (I think this is helped by the low self-esteem I have.) Did that touch mean she's interested? Could be, but my mind automatically jumps to 'why in the hell would she be interested in YOU???' So, I miss what could have been a signal, because I can't seem to value them properly.

If there was just a way for me to instantly know what was important, and what isn't, I think I'd be a lot happier. Of course, you could argue that nothing is important...we're all going to die anyway. I'm not THAT much of a pessimist. But the ability to accurately identify what is important, and then focus on them, is definitely a skill I need to work on.

Various thoughts

Ever have so much to say that you have difficulty saying anything? That's kind of where I'm at right now. So, this might be a bit jumbled...

First, I get SO frustrated by people that can't seem to help themselves with ANYTHING. There are people that I work with, in top-level positions, that would have an assistant wipe their ass if they could. And it filters down. Now, I'm not the most do-it-yourself person on the planet, but if I think I am able to do something myself, I at least try. Some of these people don't even bother with that...if it's not handed to them on a silver platter, forget it. They'll find someone to do it for them (usually me.)

Second, I am probably way out of touch, and shouldn't even broach this subject, but I don't understand the Occupiers, the Tea-baggers, or any of the other dozen or so groups. Listen, I'm upset too. I think the people in charge suck. I think companies are greedy. But I don't understand these people who are just camping out in cities...do you not have jobs? And why should I feel for you, when I'm paying for you to be there, paying for the police to keep things in line, and I'll be paying for the cleanup after you're done accomplishing nothing? Voice your displeasure, sure. But be productive. And target the right things...every good movement ends up drawing in the dipshits who just want to be part of 'something'. Maybe I should feel that strongly about something...but to tell the truth, I'm too busy trying to keep my own life together. I suppose it must be nice to not have to worry about that yourselves.

Third, speaking of dipshits, why am I such a dipshit myself sometimes? I'm honestly not sure what the hell has happened to me...I've never really been forgetful, but I've been forgetting everything lately. I've said things that I thought would be sweet or charming, and instead I just seem to be pissing everyone off. I'm not sure if my karma is just in a slump these last two weeks or what, but I think I'd be better off just keeping things simple and my mouth shut.

Of course, I know that I won't.

Lowered Expectations?

I heard once that a lot of unhappiness in our lives is caused not by the realities of our situations, but instead by things not reaching our expectations. I find this to be true with myself, and I've tried to adjust...unsuccessfully.

First things first...when I say 'adjust', I most certainly DO NOT mean that I need to lower my expectations. I mean, they need to be 'modified' to fit reality. It is completely unrealistic to expect the people I work with to do things 'right' in the way I think they should be done. This doesn't mean that I should expect less...just that I shouldn't get nearly as frustrated when I don't get it. I can explain what I find lacking and try to change it, but everyone has different ideals about how things should go. And I need to realize that it's not MY company...I just work there. If I were in charge, I could have a bigger hand in how things work. Jumping up on my soapbox and getting frustrated when they aren't listening isn't going to get it done.

Same goes for other aspects of my life. I can't expect Selma Hayek to walk into my life...nor would I want her to, because I imagine the reality is not at all the same as the fantasy. I have been very fortunate with relationships...although none, obviously, have lasted as long as I expected them to, I have dated some very beautiful, amazing women. None of them just fell in my lap, though, and I can't expect to have them start doing so now. Everyone is looking for something. Some people have found it, some people haven't, and for most I ain't got it. Or, they haven't seen it in me yet...that's my fault for not showing it. But getting frustrated about it isn't going to do any good.

I've said this last week or so has been shit. That's still true...bought a replacement lightbulb for the main one in the house that burnt out last week, rigged up a makeshift (read - dangerous) ladder, climbed up there and found out it was too big to fit with the globe over top it. Sigh. That's what I get for trying to be energy conscious. Just another little thing to add to the list of little things. My expectations were that it would fit. The reality was that it didn't. Annoying, yes. But in the grand scheme of things, a little bump in the road. The best friend to realistic expectations has to be perspective. Two skills that I need to work on. And I am.

Where am I going?

One of the first things you need to do when you start a project is to figure out what it is you're trying to accomplish. The end result may differ, either because you change your mind or don't quite get there, but the first key part is to decide what it is that you want. I haven't the slightest idea what I want most of the time.

I have a vague idea, I suppose. I want my son to grow up healthy and happy, knowing the difference between right and wrong and trying to be a productive citizen of the world. I'd like to have a job that I enjoy, that allows me to pay my bills, and that keeps me engaged. I'd like to find a girl whose company I enjoy, who enjoys my company, and that I can spend my time with (if she's a latino, long-haired brunette with glasses who likes to wear sweat pants and looks good in them, so much the better...but I'm pretty flexible on all of those. Personality trumps everything.)

But that's about it. I don't have a specific plan, and I don't feel like I'm actively working towards any of that, except maybe the boy. Of course, that's the most important one, but it would be nice to achieve all of them. I hate my job, and I send out resumes, but I'm not REALLY working toward finding another one. I'm completely hesitant about the girl thing...we've discussed it many times, but I haven't decided I'm really worth anyone's effort yet. Until I can get over that hump, I'm just treading water.

Given that, can there really be any surprise that I haven't reached my goals yet? I haven't decided on exactly what those goals even should be, let alone figured out how to get there. Maybe THAT'S what I need to consider first.

What next?

Over the past week and a half, things have gone nuts. I described last week's fun...horrible week at work, power window breaking, check engine light came on, forgot the kid's homework on Thursday, near miss on the highway. This weekend, I had a light bulb blow in the one place in the house that I can't reach without a ladder (which I don't own), missed the boy's Taekwando tourney, and fell down the stairs at my house (I'm okay...fell on my ass, and it's well padded.) This morning, I forgot my laptop at home...didn't realize it until I had made the hour commute to work. Turned around to come back home and get it, and sat on the highway for 20 minutes due to an accident.

I'm truly trying to keep a positive outlook. I'm trying to stay upbeat, and understand that these things happen, that it's just a coincidence that they're all happening at once. I'm still very blessed. But man, it's hard to keep the attitude positive sometimes. It seriously makes me want to just crawl in a hole, and stay there.

I wonder why I'm here. Why do these things happen? How do 'normal' people survive when it feels like their world is falling apart? I am fortunate to know some extremely positive people, and I just don't know how they do it. Things like this build up, and I'm ready to give in. It makes me feel weak, and broken.

I'm not weak, though. I am damaged, but I'm not broken. I will get through this, and things will start to look up. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

Entertain me

Another Sunday, and I'm getting ready to go to face another week. One of the biggest things that helps me get through my weeks, and not kill anyone, or myself, is the escape I get in movies, books and music.

Ever since I was young, I loved music. I took piano lessons when I was young, and played the trombone in band. I really wish I had had the foresight to stick with the piano. I stopped taking lessons when my parents got divorced and I moved. I so admire anyone with the talent to play an instrument.

I had always been into movies, too, but my love for them really took off when I started working at a movie theater in high school and college. I loved watching them, and tried to see as many as I could. When I wasn't in class or working, you could often find me at the theater anyway, watching a flick or just hanging out. I'd love to be back in that business...unfortunately, the pay is shit, and theaters are kind of a dying breed. Hell, I don't even go to see movies much anymore. I have a pretty decent setup at home, and can enjoy the experience as much from my house.

One thing that always kind of bugs me are those people that are entertainment 'snobs.' I have some favorite genres and bands, but I really do dig a lot of very different things. I'm pretty easy, I think...I want to be moved. Tell me a story that transports me. Teach me something. Play your instruments or sing with passion. As long as those things are happening, I can be hooked. Doesn't matter if it's a love story or horror, country or bluegrass or metal, fiction or non-fiction, draw me in. I don't get all that hung up on the production value, or whether this band sounds like that one, etc....I'm not a critic, I'm a consumer.

Thank God for those things that draw me away, and drag me into another world, even if it's for just a couple minutes at a time.

Cleaning

I'm trying today, I really am. I haven't completely shaken off the effects of the week...truthfully, it was one really bad week. I've spent today cleaning. Dusting, vacuuming, dishes, laundry. I cleaned the bathroom (ALL of the bathroom), swept every room, took out the trash. There's a lot to do...it was easier when I wasn't the only one doing it, obviously. I've got enough cat hair to make another cat, I think.

This is my 'short' weekend with Jake. He'll go back to his mother's tonight. I miss him every time he leaves. Even when we're not doing much together, it's nice to have him in the house with me.

I'm going to see Evil Dead the Musical tonight. That should be fun, I'm hoping. I've seen the original (it's on Youtube, if you're interested), and I bought the soundtrack long before that. I should at least know all the songs!

Tomorrow, I'll probably watch some football and play some video games. I may make a trip up to Best Buy...Red State is out on DVD, as is Kevin Smith's latest concert. And I'll try not to think too much, or feel sorry for myself. These things happen on Sunday, as we've discussed. I'll try not to feel guilty, or beat myself up for not taking more chances. I'll try to relax, and prepare to face another week. I'm not feeling it today, to be honest, but I'm going to try. Avoid the triggers and take it one day at a time.

Hope everyone else is enjoying their weekend!

Hollywood relationship advice sucks

I like to read, I like lists and I like to laugh, so everyday I visit Cracked.com. Today, there was an article about how Hollywood is leading people astray concerning relationships. Taken with some of my previous comments, it made me think a bit.

Hollywood basically presents two major themes in the romantic comedy. The first is that there is that by changing everything about yourself, you can win the boy/girl of your dreams. You can see this in the example Cracked gave, "Knocked Up." By getting a job, not hanging with his friends, etc., Seth Rogen was able to win the girl. Of course, there's a good chance that he'll resent the hell out of her later, but still.

The second theme is that there is someone out there that is perfect for you, without you changing a thing. You can see this in "How I Met Your Mother." Ted fails in relationship after relationship, but the premise is that he'll find someone that's perfect for him. This is the one that got me thinking.

I said in an earlier post something to the effect that while I'm not everyone's cup of tea, there's someone out there who's my perfect match. That comes across like I'm falling for that second theme...that I won't have to change anything, that someone will fall in lap and we'll live happily ever after. That is unrealistic and foolish.

OF COURSE, I'll have to change. So will she. We wouldn't be single if we had everything figured out. I don't believe that any two human beings, especially people at my age, are going to fit together perfectly without compromise. It just doesn't work that way. I'm also smart enough, and stubborn enough, to know that I'll never be able to live under the first theme, either. The key, then, is to find that person who I can be with where we both make minor changes in order to get along, but don't have to change everything. Now THAT would be 'perfect.'

Rabbit Punches

It's been a pretty rough week. My truck window broke, we've had computer problems at work, the people there have been extra annoying, I had to do some things I considered less than ethical, the weather's been shitty, I've been in a traffic jam almost every night this week, and I've been depressed on top of it all. One of those weeks that I have to watch out for, to avoid falling into a hole that I'll have a tough time climbing out of.

I recognize my triggers. Sometimes, that's not enough, but I do usually see them coming. It's not usually a big thing...my life, despite how it may seem, isn't all that dramatic. No, it's usually a week like this...a bunch of little things. I feel like I'm actually pretty decent at taking the big punch and moving on, but those continuous little punches will eventually knock me down. And even when I see them coming, I can't always take a step back and collect myself before falling.

I'm getting better, though. I've realized over the last year how much I leaned on my ex, and how I eventually wore her down. I didn't understand it at the time, but I do now. It's tougher doing standing on my own, no doubt. But I'm learning. Tonight, I picked up the boy. He wasn't ready...and I have a problem with patience. I relaxed...why the big hurry? He showed me some custom Lego people he made, and we talked about it on the way home. Once we got home, I went to change clothes...while I was doing that, he finished his homework and practiced his Taekwando, without me getting on him to do it. I cooked (relax, it was nothing special or fancy), and it was nice just to stay busy in the kitchen. Now, I have to take him home, and face Friday. But I know he's waiting for me at the end of the day, and we've already got tomorrow evening and Saturday planned out. Should be a fun weekend.

I can't always cut off the downward spiral at the pass. This time I did, though...everything's going to be just fine.

Standards of Measure

My standard of measure for what I'm doing is simple. If I stood in front of my grandmothers and explained it, would they be proud of me? Would they agree? I know some people think of God's judgement, and of course that should probably be a concern...but my grandmothers are a bit more real to me.

My grandmothers are two of the sweetest people in the world. They both had a dramatic effect on me, in completely different ways. They were both caring, compassionate, tough women that faced the world and did what they had to do in order to get through it. And they both took a turn in helping to raise me and my brother when our mother left. I'm not sure where I'd be without them.

They were both pretty disappointed about the divorce. They loved my ex, and given what they had gone through, they don't think very highly of quitters. One had an alcoholic husband who beat the hell out of her and her kids, the other an over-bearing, domineering man who would tell her when and how much to eat, even (now, let it be said that I love my grandfather's as well...but they could be some difficult men to get along with.) Neither got divorced, and the fact that I did made neither of them very happy. They are proud of me taking care of my responsibilities concerning my son, however. With so many men who think "taking care of it" means sending money, they are happy that my ex and I can work together so that I get to see my son as much as I do (I'm happy about that, too!)

They both endured lean times in the name of doing what is right. I, on the other hand, am doing something I KNOW is wrong (and possibly dangerous to others) in the name of keeping my job. I can argue all I want about paying the mortgage and child support, but wrong is wrong, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be very happy with me about it.

As for the rest, well, they wouldn't be very happy with it. For two women coming from the situations they came from, living the lives they lived, they were two of the most positive, uplifting people I knew. They were trying to raise my self-esteem before that was a thing. I could never tell them that I'm alone. I think that if they knew how depressed I got sometimes, it would hurt them more than just about anything else I could say.

So...how do I stand? I'm falling short. I always will, though. It's not really a measure that I'm trying to achieve, truthfully. The idea is that I have a standard that was set by two wonderful women who, besides for maybe my father, had the biggest impacts on my life. Now, both of them are in failing health. I have all four of my grandparents...I know that that's not going to last for too much longer. I'm grateful that I've had them this long, that they were proud of me, and I'm going to keep trying to make them proud. Set the standard high.

Skip it

Every day? Every day...

I really don't have much to say today, though. It was a brutal day. I don't really feel like re-hashing it...in short, things broke, I work with fucking idiots, and even when you communicate, miscommunications happen.

I did have a wonderful dinner last night, and then came home and watched another episode of "The Walking Dead." Episode 3 of season 1 (yeah, I'm playing catch-up)...had me bawling like a baby. I mean seriously, tears streaming down my face. What an epic show.

Anyway, that's about it. Going over today or delving into my usual relationship stuff will just serve to depress me further...I think I'm going to re-fill my glass, watch some TV, and hit the sack. As I've said before, not every day will be gold...I'm not nearly creative or intelligent enough to both do this every day and keep it interesting every time. I'll try to do better tomorrow, though.

Nice guys finish last...or at least, alone

Reading over some of my posts, I'm thinking maybe I picked the wrong title for this blog. It's not really a 'diary'...it's more of a 'what's in my head now' kind of thing. The only person that would be less interested in what's going on in my day-to-day than you would be would me. Maybe a change is in order...we'll see.

I know I discuss a lot about dating and relationships on here. Partly it's because it's something that I think about, and partly it's because I believe it's really the core of human existence. If we didn't have 'relationships' with people, we wouldn't have much of a society. And the most basic of these are partner to partner (I speak mostly from a male-female point of view, but that's just because that's where I'm coming from. We're gender neutral and sex-positive here in the the 'Not-Mad' world...we're all looking for happiness, and if you find it in someone with the same parts as you, so be it. You're happy, you've won. Congrats!)

I read an article today at lunch over at Freakonomics.com (one of my favorite websites) discussing a study done about getting ahead at the workplace. The results of the study basically show that, for men, the bigger an asshole you are, the more you can achieve and the higher you'll rise. People respond to 'dominant' personalities, respecting them even while they hate them. Of course, this reminded me of a common argument I've had with many of the women I've met.

It seems to me that a lot of very beautiful, very put-together women fall for the biggest douchebag they can find. Men that will treat them like shit, disregard their feelings, and walk all over them. I've seen it time and again, and no manner of warnings will seem to stop it. I've even argued about it on FB...that was a mistake. It seems to come off as sour-grapes, but it's truly something that I don't understand. Women like 'dangerous' men that they think they can change.

Many times I've heard the lines "we're too good of friends" or "I don't want to ruin the friendship." Why would you want to date someone who WASN'T your friend?!? I can only remember one case where the girl who I was infatuated with, and finally got the nerve up to ask out, just flat out said "I really like you, but you're just too nice a guy. It won't work." (Thanks for being honest at least!) I was floored. Really? So you only want to date an dickhead? (The guy that she ended up dating knocked her up and split...I guess she got what she wanted.)

Ultimately, I think it's a tired excuse. Listen, I like bad girls. I always have. There's something attractive about someone with a darker side. But I also want someone I can trust, someone I can have fun with...have a darker side, but not one that's going to be harmful to me. Some things, like the creation of the universe, the existence of God, or the beautful girl - douchebag pairing, I may not ever understand.

KL

My last post was technically posted at 1 AM Saturday morning, so my streak is intact, regardless of what the blog says. :-)

Another Sunday...just dropped the boy off, and saw a car that reminded me of someone. This isn't really a happy story, but it is one that has stuck with me.

On one of the many 'breaks' I had with my long term girlfriend in high school, I started dating this very sweet girl. We had actually hung out together as little kids because our parents went to the same church. We didn't know that until later, though. We got along very well, playing pool, listening to Wham! (yeah, I still like 'em...screw you for judging me), going to movies, hanging out. The relationship started off kind of rough...her last boyfriend had killed himself about a week after she broke up with him. I'm not going to say that she broke up with him for me...I don't know. But it was a rough way to start a relationship.

Regardless, we dated for a while. One night, we went and saw a movie down at the Dayton Mall ('Ghost', I believe.) It had started raining on the way home, and as I'm getting on the highway, I almost lost it and hit a pole. It was a bit scary. When we got back to my house, we were both a little amped...both from the movie and the 'almost' crash. She told me that she was 'ready.' We had sex in the living room, while my parents slept in their room 30 feet away. She was a virgin, and is the reason I swore off virgins forever. It was horrible. She cried, but didn't want to stop. I hated it. Regardless, we got through it.

We dated for a few months after that. If I remember correctly, we broke up when my "long term" girlfriend and I got back together. I didn't have a whole lot of contact with her, and we kind of lost touch for a few years. One night, she came up to the theater I worked at, and we started talking. Neither of us were seeing anyone, so we made plans to get together that weekend. I agreed to pick her up at her parents house. When I got there, she answered the door in a robe. Long story short, we didn't leave the house that night.

Things went down hill quickly, though. She'd follow me everywhere, even down to the other theaters I worked at in downtown Dayton. I'd see her sitting in her car in the parking lot. Sometimes, she would come in and just sit in the lobby. I'd see her drive by house. By this time, I had a room behind the garage at my parents house...it had a door to the outside, and was off the house a bit. She'd come and knock on my window at 2 or 3 in the morning, wanting to come in. It got to be a little too much.

The final straw came one night when she knocked on my window on a Monday night. She looked like hell. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me that she was on a bad acid trip. Now, I've made clear my feelings on certain drugs. If it weren't for the fact that I have a son and random drug tests at work, I would no doubt be a stoner. But I drew the line at certain things. Acid and crack were two of them, and she was messed up with both. I tried to talk her into getting help, and she told me to go fuck myself. At that point, I told her we were done.

She told me that she would kill me. And I think she was serious. She went to the Moose and asked my father where to find me. She'd call my work over and over again, for hours at a time. One time, I passed her on the road, and she did a U-turn and started following me. I finally confronted her, we had a HUGE blowup, and that was that. I started dating the woman who would become my wife shortly after, and I didn't hear or see her again.

Until I got on FB, that is. I found her best friend, and we started talking. She let me know that my ex-girlfriend, the sweet girl who I listened to Wham! with, had a heart-attack and had died a few years before. She had kept up the drugs, and left behind a son.

This absolutely shook me to my core. First, one of my ex-girlfriends was DEAD? How could that possibly have happened? More than that, I felt terrible guilt. I didn't get her into drugs, but I had smoked pot with her. And I didn't do nearly enough to get her off the hard drugs. No, instead I had left. Even when it was clear that she had some major problems and needed some professional help, help that I knew where to find, I had instead just walked away and moved on with my life. And her choices, that I did nothing to stop, cost her her life, and left a little boy without a mother. I don't know that I could have saved her...but I do know I could have tried harder.

I hope she's resting in peace now. And I hope, wherever she is, she can forgive me.

The War in my Head (tonight's War, anyway)

Okay, so getting today's post out of the way because it's what's on my mind as I'm trying to get to sleep. My last post led me to thinking about things that I just need to get clear. And if I'm going to bother trying to figure it out, might as well lay it bare for the world.

I'm constantly saying this girl is "out of my league", or that I'm not "good enough" for that one, or whatever. I even did a post about my insecurities in that arena. But the truth is, that's one of those 'feelings' I was talking about. More than anything, it's become a crutch...it's what I rely on so I don't have to have the balls to approach someone. Rationally, I don't know that it's necessarily true.

Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea, I in no way think I'm all that great. I can be lazy, moody, and straight up weird. I like playing video games, watching horror movies and art films, and listen to music that ranges from the Statler Brothers to Avenged Sevenfold to showtunes. My favorite books are non-fiction, and when I talk, I often come off like I know everything. I'm a fairly intelligent guy, but I'm intelligent enough to know that I don't know shit. I can be a hard guy to get a handle on sometimes.

I'm also very responsible, loyal, and easy to talk to. I'm a sensitive guy (too sensitive, sometimes), but I'll listen. And when I say I'll listen, I mean I'll HEAR you. I have a pretty good sense of humor, a decent job even though I hate it, and while I'm by no means attractive, I'm not a troll either.

More than that, I know that I'm perfect for someone. I've been very close a few times. I'm still friends with most of my exes, including my ex-wife. And it's been demonstrated that some of the girls I've been with would still be interested in the right situation. So I can't be all THAT bad.

So what it comes down to is a war between my feelings of inadequacy versus my rational thought that while I may not be 'good enough', I'm better than some of these losers I see girls with. I'm certainly not everyone's cup of tea...there are people out there that can't stand me. And I'm single, which demonstrates that every relationship I've ever been in, I've screwed up in some way. But, as the commercials say, past performance is not always indicative of future results. There's hope. This is a war, alright...but I know which side I need to have win.

Progress Report of sorts

Wow, just checked the stats on this blog...looks like I'm huge in Russia and Great Britain. Seriously, though, I do appreciate everyone that has taken the time to read it. It makes feel a little self-conscious, but it's here because I don't mind sharing. :-)
I'm honestly not sure where I'm at these days. I feel more 'up' than 'down' most of the time, but I still get pretty bummed occasionally. It's not lasting as long as it has in the past, though...maybe that's progress? I'm not sure.

I still catch myself worrying about the future. I keep telling myself that it's wasted energy, that I'm not accomplishing anything by doing it...doesn't matter. I wonder if I'm ever going to find my way out of my current job. I've worked in the IT department for the last two years. I'm an accountant, though...it's what I'd rather be doing. I'm almost certain that I won't have an opportunity to go back there with this company, and I'm now that I've been out for awhile, I'm not sure another company will hire back into an accounting job. And I can't do this for too much longer, that's for sure.

And of course I worry about the whole 'dying alone' thing. I'm torn about it. On the one hand, I do miss having someone to lean on, and having someone lean on me. I don't know how easy it will be to find someone like that, or, even if I find her, how easy it will be for me to do it. I've been hurt, and I carry a lot of guilt for the pain that I've caused. I've made connections fairly easily in the past, but I've always struggled to keep them. There are a few that have lasted a very long time...I know rationally that I'll likely find that person; hell, maybe I already have. The key will be when I can forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, and feel comfortable enough to let my guard down again. I'm working on that.

Pretty boring post today. I'll try to think of something better tomorrow. But, if I'm going to do this every day, you can't expect every one to be gold, right? ;-)

These damn kids today...

I get a little fed up with, what I feel, is the over-protection of our kids these days. I posted a link on FB today about how the majority of what we hear about the rest of the world from the news media are mostly scare tactics. And I read yet another study yesterday about how much violent crime has dropped in the last 50 to 100 years. But still, we have parents scared to let their kids outside to play without watching them like a hawk.

The simple truth is, there aren't any more kidnappings, child molestations, murders, etc. than there's ever been. In fact, there's less of all of that. The news media will play up every story that's out there, though, because it increases ratings and sells papers in this era of 24 hour news. Yes, pedophilia DOES go on. Kids DO get kidnapped. But overwhelmingly, the people doing these crimes are related to the victims. You should be much more worried about Uncle John than the neighbor down the street, statistically speaking.

And what about child's safety? My kid has to sit in a booster seat, wear a helmet, knee pads and elbow pads to ride his bike, and the bus stops at every kid's house. I never had to do any of that. I walked a quarter mile to the bus stop, and when I rode my bike, I just hopped on it. It's a pain for the kid to ride his bike...he doesn't like to do it. Making the kids walk to a neighborhood bus stop not only forces them to exercise, it makes them socialize with the kids there and would save the school districts money on gas. But heaven forbid mommy can't see little Johnny every moment until he gets on the bus.

I'm concerned that we're raising a generation of kids that are unable to think for themselves and are scared of everything. My son, for example, seems terrified that everything is going to hurt him. He doesn't have the sense of adventure that my generation had...he's been raised in a society where he's been told he needs constant protection. I believe we're doing a real dis-service to our kids...or maybe I'm blind to reality. I don't know. I do know that it's part of my job to teach him to be a productive adult, hopefully without elbow pads and a helmet.

Another Day

Another day where I'm writing a post even though I don't really feel like it. I'm not sure what's going on with me...I'm not depressed, per se, just kinda playing out the string. Feels like I'm waiting for something to happen. I've had a couple things that felt like the beginning of something, only to fall flat...but that feeling of expectation is still there. Surely, I'll get over it.

I have a bit of OCD. I'm not the compulsive hand-washing, check the stove 50 times kind. Mine is much more subtle. For example, I can't start watching a movie from the middle...it's from the beginning, or forget it. I also can't watch or read stuff out of order. You start at #1 and move forward, or you don't start. I'm also a completist. Once I start at #1, I want to go all the way through to the end. This makes it hard for me to get into scripted TV shows...I want to start at the Pilot, and go through to the end of the series. I LOVE the fact that so many are released on DVD now...it's made my life so much easier.

I'm currently watching The Twilight Zone. Just as an aside, Rod Serling was the MAN. Watch an old interview with him, like the one he did with Mike Wallace before the premier of the show...he took no shit from anyone, and he did EXACTLY what he wanted. I admire that. Anyway, I started at the pilot, and have been working my way forward. Most of the episodes are very good, but not all of them are fantastic.

One of the early ones I loved, though, is called "A World of Difference." In it, a man finds that what he thought was his life was a really a movie shoot. He thought he had a good job, a loving wife, a beautiful daughter, a perfect life. In reality, everyone thought he was an asshole, his wife was divorcing him, and his life was falling apart. Think something along the lines of "The Matrix" or "The Truman Show"...the realization that what you thought was your life isn't real...real life is so much worse than what you had been lead to believe. There's always a struggle between accepting reality, or continuing the fantasy.

This reminds me of my thoughts after seeing "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." Besides loving Kate Winslet, I thought this was a fascinating movie. Given the ability to erase your bad memories, would you? Most people would surely so no, that the bad things helped make them who they are. That's certainly a great way to look at it, once you're in a good place. But what if you're not in a good place? What if you thought that, by erasing some of these 'bad' memories, you could finally GET to a good place? Would you consider it then?

These are some of the things that fascinate me. I love 'escaping' to other worlds, through movies, books, video games, etc. The idea of being able to escape to another world, either through my imagination or by 'creating' a world by taking the bad things out of my life, certainly seem like it would be tempting at times. Thankfully (?), it's not a decision to be made...the best you can do is live the life you're given, which is good enough, even with some 'bad' memories here and there.

Running away

This will probably be one of the most sensitive topics I talk about (and that's saying something.) But I'm writing this blog to help me figure myself out, and I don't think I'm willing to ignore this, even if it's uncomfortable. And please, please understand...there is a big difference sometimes between my emotional state and my rational state. I have to play traffic cop occasionally, and put one in charge of the other. I've also seeked treatment, and I'm in NO danger. No worried e-mails or frantic phone calls. I'm fine. Okay? Got it? Good...let's begin.

'Suicide' and 'killing myself' sound so extreme, and I've never really been there. I mean, I've thought about it, but honestly, I don't have the balls to even try it. No matter how bad I've been, how bleak things get, the realities of a failed suicide attempt are worse. And I have no expectation that I could pull it off. I don't like pain, so guns or hanging would be out. There's poison and pills...and I have no guarantee that I wouldn't just make myself sick. There's also jumping or crashing the truck (one I've thought about), but again, the likely scenario there is that I'd end up paralyzed. And no matter how bad things are, the thought of being sick or paralyzed on top of it seem worse.

So, 'suicide' has never really been on my mind, except as a passing thought. No, what I think about is more along the lines of 'disappearing.' Either coming down with something or having an accident that kills me, or just running away. Usually, it comes when I'm feeling kind of worthless, like there's no real reason for me to be here. Now, I hear this crap about "your son needs you," and that's true to an extent. But I'm not always sure I'm adding to his life...I sometimes think he'd better off with his mother and (someday) step-father. My 'crazy' isn't something I want to pass on to him. And I hear about how other people need me...that's not really true, either. No one's life is going to end if I'm not there. There might be some people who are sad, but it'll pass...it always does.

These feelings come and go. But I won't act on them...I can't. Because above all, I'm selfish. I WANT to be here. My son DOES need me, and he needs me to be responsible. If he hadn't been born, I might have ended up a stoner, but I STILL wouldn't want to be dead. No, I'm selfish, and I'm responsible, and that part of my brain takes over when my feelings get out of control. And while I don't condone running away, either literally or figuratively, I do understand it. These feelings pass, though. You can get help.

A wise man once said that depression is like the flu. When you catch it, it can feel like the worst thing you've faced. But you need to take care of it, get help if it gets too bad, and remember that it's temporary. You will get past it, and you will be healthy again. I remind myself of that everytime it comes. I went and got help. I recognized the signs, and I'm working to get healthy. I'm doing a better job of understanding my insecurities, and trying not to let them get to me. Life is worth living...it can bring you down, but it can lift you up too. Running away doesn't solve anything...it just passes on your problems to those you left behind.

Spinning my wheels

For the first time since I started this little experiment, I'm really in no mood to write. It's not that I don't have anything on my mind...as always, I have plenty. I just don't feel like it. But, a deal is a deal, even with myself, and I said I'd do my best to write every day.

Let's start with the fact that I'm feeling a bit depressed today. There really isn't any call for it...work wasn't that bad, and although I'm disappointed that I didn't get to have dinner with a friend, that shouldn't have put me in this mood. The only thing that bothers me more than feeling depressed is when I feel depressed for no reason. This pisses me off...I know, rationally, that I shouldn't be depressed. It has no basis, no cause. It's just how I 'feel'. Sometimes, I wish I didn't 'feel' so much...sometimes, I think Spock has it right.

I also wish I would stop feeling like a fool every time I open my mouth (or my keyboard...whatever.) I really try to be a 'nice' guy. I also have an odd sense of humor. But lately, I feel like everything I'm doing or saying is wrong. Just like here, I tend to write or say whatever's on my mind. I responded to a very sweet message I received over the weekend, and said exactly what I was thinking. Re-reading it later, I felt like an idiot. I should have just said thank you...probably would have saved myself some embarrassment. Same with some other messages I sent...nice conversations that I inevitably ruined by sticking my foot in my mouth.

So that's today. I'm beating myself up over my stupidity and feelings I can't seem to control. Today, it doesn't feel like I continued my improvement. Just spun my wheels. BUT, although I'm not what you'd call an optimist, I am optimistic that tomorrow I will do better. I still have hope...and as long as there's hope, there's a chance.

My Dad

I was kind of at a loss as to what I was going to write about today. I'm in a pretty good mood, got a couple nice messages this weekend, and haven't had to work. If everything's going well, I don't have much to talk about! Then, my father called, and we had a nice long talk. He deserves his own post, so here's to you, Dad (although he'll never read it.)

I have what I consider a pretty special relationship with my father. If you look at pictures of us, there's no denying that I look like him. I also inherited a lot of his traits, both good and bad. He taught me to think about things, and usually over-think them. We're both the same height, so I have him to thank for me never being able to dunk a basketball. He had ulcerative colitis, as do I. He taught me that it's important to always be responsible, even when you don't want to be. If I'm half as good a father as he was, I'll consider myself a success. That's not to say he was perfect. He's made mistakes. But another thing he taught me was to admit to them, and do what you can to fix them.

My dad worked for Delphi (then Delco Products) as a model maker. He always worked a lot, so he wasn't around much. When he was around, he was usually taking care of my brother, who got into enough trouble for both of us. That's not to say that I didn't get to spend quality time with him. Some of my favorite memories are wrestling around with him, going fishing, going shooting, playing the Atari. When my parents divorced, I was 7. There was never really any question about who we were going to live with. My dad was going to keep us, and get full custody. Of course, this was fine with my mother (she'll get her own post eventually...probably a few of them. She's 'special'.) But my dad did what he thought was best for us, even if it wasn't easy.

Like I said, my dad didn't give me a whole lot of attention...he really didn't need to. I got good grades, stayed (mostly) out of trouble, and he had his hands full. But he went to every T-ball and baseball game, and when I started wrestling, he almost never missed a match. He'd take off work and travel to the away tournaments. When I went to Districts as a sophomore, I was so happy that I was almost in tears...so was he. He always supported me, congratulating me for wins and consoling me for losses. And there was a lot of 'us' time between matches...that was some of my favorite parts of the whole thing.

One of the most important things he did for me was to teach me to make decisions. He was always there for me to lean on and ask advice of, but the decisions were mine. When I'd bring dates home, I'd ask him what he thought, and he was honest...and usually right. When I found out that we were going to have a baby, I was in shock. He was the first person I called, and he calmed me down. When we decided to get a divorce, I called him, and he told me that my life would go on. He still gets on my ass when he thinks I need it (and sometimes I do.) But he lets me make my decisions, and he supports me. That's what I want to pass on to my son.

My dad was the biggest influence on who I turned out to be. Any good qualities I have, I learned from him. He has to take some of the blame for a few of the bad ones, too...only fair. My dad was never perfect...but he is perfect for me. Love you Dad. See you soon.

Saturday morning and I'm talking about WHAT?!?!? Better if you avoid this one...

It's early on a Saturday morning, my boy is upstairs playing a video game, and I may not have time later to make a post. What better time to talk about sex? Another touchy subject...I'm on a bit of a roll this week. Better to go ahead and get the controversial subjects out of the way, no?

I'll tell you I'm not 'like other guys' when it comes to sex. I'm not positive that's true, but I really do believe it. On the one hand, I love sex. But I have no interest in sex just for the sake of having it...there are other things I love too, and they're not as messy and don't have as many consequences. I've never asked for it in my life...I never seem to be able to make the first move. My father gave me advice when I started dating. One was don't kiss and tell if you expect to kiss again. The other was to never take advantage of a situation. I've taken this to an unfortunate extreme, in that I've got it in my head that as long as I don't make the first move, I can't be accused of taking advantage of any situation. It's not a good quality...it's cost me more than one relationship when she was as shy as I am, and thought that I didn't find her attractive. That was never the case...I was just waiting. It wasn't good for my marriage, either. Thirteen years, and I never asked for it. Didn't make her feel very good, and I'm very sorry for that.

I lost my virginity to my brother's girlfriend in my parent's bed five days after my 14th birthday. I didn't love her, didn't really even like her that much. I just couldn't say no. My second was to her best friend whom she told. She rode her bike about 5 miles to my house, and again, I couldn't say no. My third was to my first true love...it's the one I really count. We dated, on and off, for almost six years. I truly thought I was going to marry her. Since then, I've been with a few other women...all but two I was in a relationship of some sort with. I've never had a 'one-night stand', and don't really want one.

I have a philosophy when it comes to sex (of course...what DON'T I have a philosophy about??) My goal is very simple...make her happy, and she'll come back. I'm certainly not all that great physically...I'll tell you I'm hung like a Ken doll. Truth is, I'm average or so. No great shakes. But there are other skills that I have that come in handy. First, I studied. That may sound like a joke, but it isn't. My greatest advice for men who are looking to make their partner happy? Get some movies made by women, for women, and take notes. Believe me, they know what they're doing much better than you do. Second, LISTEN. Even if they're not that vocal, they'll let you know if you're doing your job or not. Third, forget about yourself. If you make her happy, most women will make you happy in turn. And last, and most important, focus. My reason for hating the idea of a one-night stand is that I need to feel an emotional connection. I need to feel that, for the time I'm with her, we're connected more than just physically. I use my hands alot...I have a bit of a hair fetish, so I'm constantly running my fingers through her hair, caressing her face, etc. If the emotional connection isn't there, I'm basically just masturbating with another person. Might as well do it myself...I know what I'm doing, and there aren't any complications.

So there it is. Truthfully, sex has never been that big a deal for me. Again, it's about the emotional connection, and I can have that with someone through other experiences...watching a movie, playing a game, or just sitting and talking. The one thing I can't stand is when people don't treat it as IMPORTANT. Not important to have...as an important experience between two people that care about each other. I think it is. I think there would be a lot of people that were happier if they did, too.

Confidence

I can't point out exactly when it happened. Sometime in the last 10 years or so, I seem to have lost most of whatever confidence I used to have.

It's funny, my ex-wife knew of me in high school, and hated me. Thought I was an arrogant ass. I'm not sure why she would have that impression...I didn't know her at all. When we started working together at the theater, she changed her mind after 1) she got to know me, 2) I got my long hair cut off, and 3) after the last movie would go in, I'd change the lobby music to show tunes from my favorite musicals. She said I was still too cocky, but I was charming and witty, and that made up for it.

I never thought I was arrogant, but I definitely felt pretty good about myself. I had PLENTY of insecurities, but I had confidence that my intelligence and charm would get me through them. After leaving the theater, I got a job as a Controller. I got that job because the CFO of the company called Wright State, and asked if they had anyone graduating that was both a strong financial accountant, and a strong cost accountant. A former professor recommended me, and they hired me after one interview.

That takes me up to about 7-8 years ago. I left there to pursue more money at a bigger company. That was a HUGE mistake, as I've already described. I got myself into trouble gambling...although I got myself out (and then some), it was a huge blow to my ego....again, another post. We had our son, and I realized that I had no clue what I was doing. After the first few years of marriage, I realized that I wasn't a very good husband, either.

Since then, I seem to have made a lot of poor decisions that have made me question just how smart I really am. I second guess myself constantly...I can't even make a post on facebook without questioning if it was something stupid, and deleting it before anyone sees it (I hope.) I can't seem to find the confidence in the charm and wit I used to have...I'm back to where I started, feeling awkward even talking to someone. Once I start talking, I seem to do fairly well...I know it's still there. I just have to quit second-guessing myself, and learn how to take chances again. Once upon a time, I was a risk-taker. A lot of those risks bit me in the ass. But not all of them...and that's what I need to remember.

Don't talk about this in polite society, part 2

Been kind of an up and down day...was in a great mood this morning, but, as usual, I allowed people who have no business doing so affect my mood. I say "I allowed"...I certainly realize that I have control over this. I tend to dwell on things, though...it's part of my personality to find something and stick with it. This makes me (too) loyal, but it also causes me to get a thought in my head and not be able to let it go until I've twisted my mind in knots. It happens to me all the time...I jokingly call them 'quests'. I'll decide I want something; a 10 year old video game, a certain food, someone's attention, etc., and then I go looking for it. Or I'll get upset about something, and not be able to let it go until I've either fixed it or beat it to death. Part of my sickness, I guess.

I hadn't planned on talking about that, though. I thought that since I went ahead and talked about one of the things you're not supposed to discuss in polite company, religion, I'd go ahead and get the other out of the way: politics.

Much like my feelings on religion, I have many thoughts on politics, but I'm not that invested in it. I used to be, once upon a time. I'd watch all the news shows, educate myself on everyone's viewpoints, follow all the elections, yada yada yada. I was primarily a conservative, and tended to vote Republican. I come from a family of union workers, so much like one of my favorite actors in his role of Alex P. Keaton, I was the black sheep of the family, constantly debating the merits of this candidate or that. Something happened as I got older, though...I stopped caring.

That may be a little strong. It's not that I don't care...I still educate myself on the candidates, and I still vote. I just realized that we have a two party system, just not the two parties I was taught. We really have politicians, and everyone else. Rare is the politician that is worried about the people, unless it will directly lead to his re-election, or a nice job after his term. I'm so tired of the rhetoric, the fighting, the unwillingness to do what they think is best regardless of the appearance. I'm still a fiscal conservative in most cases...I think taxes should be lower, business should be allowed to prosper, etc. I'm more liberal in my social views, though.

Ultimately, I now call myself a Libertarian. I want the government to leave us all alone, and just stick to the things they're (relatively) good at, like defense. I think marijuana should be legal, as should gambling and prostitution. Those are personal vices, and should be regulated, not outlawed. How much more in revenue would the government collect if it taxed those activities, rather than forcing them to occur under the table? They ARE going to occur...it's next to impossible to regulate morality in a 'free' society. I'd say it's a pipe-dream for the most part, though. Hot-button issues such as these bring out the cash, with people lobbying both sides.

So my political view at this time is pretty much disgust. I want the government to leave us alone. I want the career politicians to get real jobs. I don't like that it's too easy for people to live off the 'system', from Congressmen collecting lobby money to the welfare mother who gets an extra check for having another often unwanted kid. I want guilty people who are a danger to society to go jail, and REALLY guilty people (murderers, rapists, and pedophiles) to die, and I don't really give a shit if it's humane or not. I want companies to be honest, and the government to let them run their business. Most of all, I just want to stop hearing so much fighting. Democrats, you're clueless...shut up. Republicans, you're assholes...shut up. Now that we're clear, everyone get together and do what's right for the people, not for yourselves or your lobbyists. Is that really too much to ask?

Now that I've covered religion and politics, I'll go back to detailing my mental issues. :-)

Outside

I've always felt that I was on the outside. I know, everyone feels this at one time or another. Most people seem to grow comfortable with themselves, though...they seem to figure it out. I have in no way figured anything out.

When I was a kid, I played baseball. I played well enough that I moved up an age group, and was playing with the 'big kids.' That made certain I was always the smallest on the team. In second grade, they called my parents in to discuss if I should skip the second grade and move on to third. This was right about the time that they were getting divorced, though, and they figured I was going to have enough changes coming in my life. So, I was moved into the 'gifted' program instead. While this was a great learning experience, it still made me 'different' from everyone else.

When I moved after my parents divorced, I was the "new kid." The new kid, with horrible acne and braces. Sixth and seventh grades were some of the worst times of my life. I was picked on, pushed around, and excluded from just about everything. Girls were a dream, I had stopped playing sports, I was alone.

In eight grade, things changed. The braces came off, I saw a doctor that was able to help me with my complexion, and I went out for the wrestling team. I got my ass KICKED at first, but I was very dedicated. I lost my first 6 matches, then didn't lose again for the rest of the year, winning a 'Most Improved' award. The next year, I was voted captain by my teammates. I started dating, then went a little girl crazy (not sure that's completely gone yet...still dig women, and not for the reasons most guys seem to. Another post, maybe.)

So my freshman year was great. I was dating, I was fairly popular, I had friends. I even ran for class officer, and won. But I still was on the 'outside'. I still didn't have it figured out...I was dating, but I've never learned how to ask a girl out. Still haven't. I was doing well in school, but I never knew how to study...that hurt when I got into college. I got by mostly by pretending...I could pretend I knew what I was doing, and sometimes (like college) it didn't work out, but I got by.

It always blows my mind when someone suggests they thought I was one of the 'popular' kids. I wasn't. I knew a lot of people, because I was friendly and involved. But I can't say they were my friends, as evidenced by the fact that they all disappeared as soon as we graduated. Now, I see all the plans for our upcoming reunion. Honestly, I have no plans to attend. I still feel out of place, like I don't belong. I still haven't figured it out.

I got married, and had a kid. Neither of those were really a good idea in hindsight. I didn't know how to be a husband, and I sure as hell don't know how to be a father. The best I can do now is to pretend. It bit me with the marriage, as I'm no longer married. I pray every day that God sees fit to drop a "Fathers for Dummies" book in my lap, so I don't screw this kid up. I swear, I'm doing the best I can. I'm scared to death it's not enough.

I still don't think I have much figured out. Reading this blog post, it's pretty obvious that I don't have writing figured out either...what a meandering mess. But that's kind of where I'm at right now, so I'm leaving it. I'll say the same thing I do every night before I drift off to sleep...hopefully, tomorrow I'll figure it out, and THEN I'll do better. THEN I'll be on the inside, and everything will fall into place. I'll fall in love, figure out how to be a good father, how to be a good person, how to write a coherent thought, and I'll be happy. Today, I'll stand here on the outside.

October 4th

Today will always be a special day. It would be my 14th wedding anniversary, if I were still married. This one's weird...it's the first one that isn't supposed to mean anything. Last year, we were separated, but still legally married. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel right now. I know some people feel joy, but I never hated her. Some probably feel sad, and there's definitely some of that. Going with the running theme of my life, there's always plenty of guilt that I shovel around my life. I don't know...it's a jumble today.

I used to 'joke' that I never intended to get married. It wasn't totally a joke...I never really decided that I was going to marry her. We had been dating for a while, decided to go to the Dayton mall, and ended up at Stafford's jewelers. I made the decision there to buy an engagement ring. Since she was with me, she picked it out. I didn't propose then...I waited for until Christmas, where I gave the second lamest proposal ever (I still credit my best man with the lamest....I was a close second, though.) I didn't wake up that morning with the idea that I was going to propose. Of course, I had thought about it, but it just kind of 'happened'.

Even with the lame proposal, she said yes. We didn't take a honeymoon...again, my fault. Despite the lame proposal, the lack of a honeymoon, and general stupidity on my part, she still stuck with me. After a few years, we decided to have a kid, and now we have our boy.

I've suffered from depression for a long time, but never got treatement for it. This made it difficult on her, as I became harder and harder to deal with. She started taking vacations by herself, I withdrew, and things started to fall apart. I started sleeping in a different room, and things just went downhill. Still, I didn't seek real treatment. I talked to a counselor, but I needed more help than that. She was suffering, our son was suffering, and I was falling apart.

It all came to a point one day when our son asked me why we were so sad all the time. This absolutely broke my heart, and caused me to take a step back. I re-evaluated things, and decided that I needed to end it. We discussed it, and after some time, she agreed. A few months later, I moved out. It took almost a year before we finally made it legal, more because neither of us were in that big a hurry than anything else.

That was months ago. We both have adjusted, to various degrees. She seems happy, much happier than I ever remember her being with me, even in the beginning. The boy seems well adjusted, as I've discussed before. Me, I'm working on it...I've found moving on a little more difficult. Ultimately, I know what the issue is...I need to be forgiven. I don't expect it from her, so it will have to come from me, and I just can't do it yet. I also need to move on, which I've also found difficult, again as previously discussed. I don't know if one is dependant on the other, or if one would help with the other...I do know it's difficult to feel guilty AND alone. But, you reap what you sow, and this is my responsibility.

Regardless, today would have been my 14th anniversary. My marriage is dead, though, and at some point, I guess I should stop counting. Maybe next year.

Let's piss some people off...

Okay, I haven't said anything that controversial yet. I'd love to go on a rant about work today, as today sucked monkey balls. I will refrain, though, and touch on a subject that came up in my comments section, and would probably piss some people off if anyone was reading this: religion.

Let's start by saying that I consider myself a Christian. I was raised southern baptist, with more than a sprinkle of nazarene in there. I attended church twice a week, went to vacation bible school every year, and have an entire set of bookcases devoted to books about all different types of religion. I believe that Christ was God's son, and came to Earth to die for our sins. I believe that there is a heaven of some sort. I consider myself spiritual, but not religious.

How can this be? I've become very disenchanted with organized religion. A bunch of people saying 'this is right' and 'this is wrong', 'this group is going to hell', and telling me what the bible means. I believe that the bible was divinely INSPIRED, yes. It's the Word of God, in a general sense. But it was written by men, and men have screwed around with it since then, just like religion. I think the message is still there, but the details, well, might not be as reliable.

Here's my thoughts. Jesus was born a man, and had a PROFOUND impact on the world. His message was simple...believe in me, and love each other. Even if you don't believe in his divinity (I do, but it's a hurdle for some), those facts have to be agreed upon. I think if Jesus was to come today, he'd sit, have a beer with you, and tell you the same thing. I think he's appalled at everything that's been done in his name.

What I don't believe is that God puts forth challenges for us to overcome, and I don't believe that he's going to overcome them for me. I tend to think of his as what he is: a father. I don't break things so my son will learn to overcome them, and I don't do things for him. I'm there for him, I'll listen to him, I'll support him...but for the most part, he's on his own. I try to teach him what he needs to know, and he'll do with it what he will. I hope that he makes the right decisions, but I'm not there to force him to make them. And I can't make them for him. I believe God works the same way...he'll listen to me, he'll support me, and he hopes I'll make the right decisions. But I don't believe he tests me, and I think he wants ME to deal with my life. It was his gift to me, and he's there for me to lean on. The decisions are mine, though, as are the challenges. He's not there to toughen me up, nor is he there to shoulder my burden. Gifts aren't usually free, and the price of this gift is that I have to deal with the bad things in order to enjoy the good things.

Maybe I'll find out differently when I meet him. Or maybe I'll find out that He doesn't exist at all, that it's just a bunch of stories. Or, maybe I'll find out that someone had it right, just not the people I was listening to. Hard to say. I believe what I do because I have faith in a few things...there was a Jesus, he had a profound impact on the world, and despite any other inconsistencies, his message of love comes through in all of them. That's good enough for me, and is enough for me. The preachers and all the rest certainly mean well, no doubt...but a lot of times, I think they've missed the boat on what this gift is really about.

Sunday

Ah, Sunday. I've mentioned many times that I dislike Sundays, but never really explained why. Much like the flagellating priests who castigate themselves for their sins, Sunday is the day I try to atone for my sins and wallow in my guilt.

Given the schedule I'm on with my son, Sunday is either the day he goes home to his mother, or the first of two days where I don't see him at all. That leaves me here, by myself, to think of everything I did that led him to have to go through this. Most other days, I have something to distract me, usually hating work. Of course, I could distract myself on Sundays as well, but I choose not to. In some sick corner of my head, I feel like I deserve to feel like shit at least one day a week.

My divorce was as amicable as one could be. Although I forced the issue, and we probably would have remained (unhappily) married if not for my prodding, it was something that probably needed to happen. I still love the woman, and always will. And, given that she doesn't seem to hate me, I presume she still has feelings for me. We just wanted different things out of life, and I had let my mindset crumble to the point that staying married was making her miserable. I feel guilty that I let it get to that point, but I don't feel guilty for the divorce itself. She's moved on, and appears to be much happier than she ever was with me. And I'm really, honestly happy for her. Maybe a little jealous, but I think that's to be expected.

But my son, he did nothing to deserve this. By all rights, he's adjusted to the situation more quickly and easily than either one of us. He's talked to counselors, and they all agree is one of the most well-adjusted kids they've talked to. He seems to be handling the situation with grace and ease, and it seems to have had no ill effects whatsoever. He's still having to deal with it, though...the shuffling from one house to another, the uncertainty of new people in his life based on who we're dating, the fact that he can't see one of us when he is with the other. While he has adjusted, he still HAD to adjust, and that was my fault. I lived through this myself. Although my situation was a bit different, I was still about his age, and I remember the feelings I had. I never wanted this for him. I wanted so much for him to grow up happy, shielded by his parents, knowing that we were a family. I've explained to him many times that we're still a family, and he knows we are. But we're a different kind of family. I forced this upon him...forced him to realize that love isn't forever, that relationships dissolve, that 'family' isn't a constant. These are lessons that he would have learned, no doubt, but it shouldn't have been at my hand.

So, Sunday is the day that I feel these things most keenly. The rest of the week, my mind is busy with other things. Sunday, it turns to the fact that he is at one house, I'm at another, and the reason that's true is my fault. He learned lessons at my hand that I didn't want to teach him. And for all that I taught him, he seems to have learned them much, much better than I have. One day, when he's older, I hope that he'll understand why this happened, why I put him through this, and when that day comes, I hope he'll forgive me.

Work

Not much going on today, so I thought I'd discuss work a bit. I complain a lot about my job...truly, it is one of the two biggest stressors in my life. Without one, I could handle the other, but when both suck, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. Now, before I start, let me say that yes, I realize I'm lucky to have a job. It pays fairly well, and no one shoots at me. No one's life is in my hands. I hate it more because it is a combination of the worst traits of every job I've had in the past. A brief history:

Burger King. When I was about 14, my dad told me that if I expected to drive when I turned 16, I'd better get a job and start saving for a car, because I wasn't driving his and he wasn't going to buy me one. This wasn't really a bad job...it got me out of the house, provided me some spending money, and taught me what work was. The worst part was the hours...difficult to work much as a HS student.

The movie theater. By far, my favorite job. It's the only one where I've stayed in contact with most of the people I worked with, and I loved it. Perfect hours for a college student, I was in charge of parts of it, lots of free time. The only things I didn't like were the complaining customers (I hated dealing with the public) and the fact that ownership didn't want us. Who wants a couple run down theaters in Dayton Ohio when you're trying to position yourself as "Sony Theaters"? In fact, when Sony took over, they wouldn't even let us put their names on the theater...we stayed "Loew's Theaters."

CPA firm. A mistake. I never wanted to be a public accountant, and I told them that. I wanted to be a cost accountant. They told me I'd be doing consulting work. My first job was an audit...I felt completely useless. Didn't last long.

Controller of 4 metal stamping plants. Great job, for the most part. This is the one I consider my first 'real' job...I was 'in charge', and I was a professional. Since it was privately owned, though, the pay wasn't great. I also had a boss that made sure I knew he was the ultimate authority...I became disenchanted when I wasn't able to let go of an employee who had basically stopped doing her job. I left there soon after...probably a HUGE mistake.

Cost accountant at Panasonic. This job was great in that I was truly doing what I wanted to do, and it was a huge pay increase. What I didn't know when I took it was that the company was going out of business. The employees that were there had horrible morale, and again, ownership didn't care. I had to leave here...I had a new baby, and the place closed two years after I started.

Lexis-Nexis. A stop-gap job. I needed something, so I took it. The pay was much lower, and it was basically an entry level position. I spent most days doing nothing of importance, my boss hated me, and I was actively looking for something else shortly after I started.

Which brings us to today. I hired in as a financial analyst/cost accountant. Since then, the company has expanded four-fold, my position has changed four times, and the company has made bad decision after bad decision. I've been moved to the IT department...not what I want to do. I deal all day with complaining customers...ugh. I have no power to fix anything. And morale sucks because everyone can see that management couldn't care less about us. I spend day after day, fixing the same problems over and over, listening to people bitch, and doing absolutely nothing to improve the company's bottom line. It's demoralizing. If I felt like I was DOING something, I could stand it. I work with some good people...I just wish that we didn't all feel like we were circling the drain.

Anyway, there it is. I'll try to keep the bitching about the job to a minimum, but I'm sure it will come up. And now you have the backstory.