The War in my Head (tonight's War, anyway)

Okay, so getting today's post out of the way because it's what's on my mind as I'm trying to get to sleep. My last post led me to thinking about things that I just need to get clear. And if I'm going to bother trying to figure it out, might as well lay it bare for the world.

I'm constantly saying this girl is "out of my league", or that I'm not "good enough" for that one, or whatever. I even did a post about my insecurities in that arena. But the truth is, that's one of those 'feelings' I was talking about. More than anything, it's become a crutch...it's what I rely on so I don't have to have the balls to approach someone. Rationally, I don't know that it's necessarily true.

Now, before anyone gets the wrong idea, I in no way think I'm all that great. I can be lazy, moody, and straight up weird. I like playing video games, watching horror movies and art films, and listen to music that ranges from the Statler Brothers to Avenged Sevenfold to showtunes. My favorite books are non-fiction, and when I talk, I often come off like I know everything. I'm a fairly intelligent guy, but I'm intelligent enough to know that I don't know shit. I can be a hard guy to get a handle on sometimes.

I'm also very responsible, loyal, and easy to talk to. I'm a sensitive guy (too sensitive, sometimes), but I'll listen. And when I say I'll listen, I mean I'll HEAR you. I have a pretty good sense of humor, a decent job even though I hate it, and while I'm by no means attractive, I'm not a troll either.

More than that, I know that I'm perfect for someone. I've been very close a few times. I'm still friends with most of my exes, including my ex-wife. And it's been demonstrated that some of the girls I've been with would still be interested in the right situation. So I can't be all THAT bad.

So what it comes down to is a war between my feelings of inadequacy versus my rational thought that while I may not be 'good enough', I'm better than some of these losers I see girls with. I'm certainly not everyone's cup of tea...there are people out there that can't stand me. And I'm single, which demonstrates that every relationship I've ever been in, I've screwed up in some way. But, as the commercials say, past performance is not always indicative of future results. There's hope. This is a war, alright...but I know which side I need to have win.