Running away

This will probably be one of the most sensitive topics I talk about (and that's saying something.) But I'm writing this blog to help me figure myself out, and I don't think I'm willing to ignore this, even if it's uncomfortable. And please, please understand...there is a big difference sometimes between my emotional state and my rational state. I have to play traffic cop occasionally, and put one in charge of the other. I've also seeked treatment, and I'm in NO danger. No worried e-mails or frantic phone calls. I'm fine. Okay? Got it? Good...let's begin.

'Suicide' and 'killing myself' sound so extreme, and I've never really been there. I mean, I've thought about it, but honestly, I don't have the balls to even try it. No matter how bad I've been, how bleak things get, the realities of a failed suicide attempt are worse. And I have no expectation that I could pull it off. I don't like pain, so guns or hanging would be out. There's poison and pills...and I have no guarantee that I wouldn't just make myself sick. There's also jumping or crashing the truck (one I've thought about), but again, the likely scenario there is that I'd end up paralyzed. And no matter how bad things are, the thought of being sick or paralyzed on top of it seem worse.

So, 'suicide' has never really been on my mind, except as a passing thought. No, what I think about is more along the lines of 'disappearing.' Either coming down with something or having an accident that kills me, or just running away. Usually, it comes when I'm feeling kind of worthless, like there's no real reason for me to be here. Now, I hear this crap about "your son needs you," and that's true to an extent. But I'm not always sure I'm adding to his life...I sometimes think he'd better off with his mother and (someday) step-father. My 'crazy' isn't something I want to pass on to him. And I hear about how other people need me...that's not really true, either. No one's life is going to end if I'm not there. There might be some people who are sad, but it'll pass...it always does.

These feelings come and go. But I won't act on them...I can't. Because above all, I'm selfish. I WANT to be here. My son DOES need me, and he needs me to be responsible. If he hadn't been born, I might have ended up a stoner, but I STILL wouldn't want to be dead. No, I'm selfish, and I'm responsible, and that part of my brain takes over when my feelings get out of control. And while I don't condone running away, either literally or figuratively, I do understand it. These feelings pass, though. You can get help.

A wise man once said that depression is like the flu. When you catch it, it can feel like the worst thing you've faced. But you need to take care of it, get help if it gets too bad, and remember that it's temporary. You will get past it, and you will be healthy again. I remind myself of that everytime it comes. I went and got help. I recognized the signs, and I'm working to get healthy. I'm doing a better job of understanding my insecurities, and trying not to let them get to me. Life is worth living...it can bring you down, but it can lift you up too. Running away doesn't solve anything...it just passes on your problems to those you left behind.