Today will always be a special day. It would be my 14th wedding anniversary, if I were still married. This one's weird...it's the first one that isn't supposed to mean anything. Last year, we were separated, but still legally married. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel right now. I know some people feel joy, but I never hated her. Some probably feel sad, and there's definitely some of that. Going with the running theme of my life, there's always plenty of guilt that I shovel around my life. I don't know...it's a jumble today.
I used to 'joke' that I never intended to get married. It wasn't totally a joke...I never really decided that I was going to marry her. We had been dating for a while, decided to go to the Dayton mall, and ended up at Stafford's jewelers. I made the decision there to buy an engagement ring. Since she was with me, she picked it out. I didn't propose then...I waited for until Christmas, where I gave the second lamest proposal ever (I still credit my best man with the lamest....I was a close second, though.) I didn't wake up that morning with the idea that I was going to propose. Of course, I had thought about it, but it just kind of 'happened'.
Even with the lame proposal, she said yes. We didn't take a honeymoon...again, my fault. Despite the lame proposal, the lack of a honeymoon, and general stupidity on my part, she still stuck with me. After a few years, we decided to have a kid, and now we have our boy.
I've suffered from depression for a long time, but never got treatement for it. This made it difficult on her, as I became harder and harder to deal with. She started taking vacations by herself, I withdrew, and things started to fall apart. I started sleeping in a different room, and things just went downhill. Still, I didn't seek real treatment. I talked to a counselor, but I needed more help than that. She was suffering, our son was suffering, and I was falling apart.
It all came to a point one day when our son asked me why we were so sad all the time. This absolutely broke my heart, and caused me to take a step back. I re-evaluated things, and decided that I needed to end it. We discussed it, and after some time, she agreed. A few months later, I moved out. It took almost a year before we finally made it legal, more because neither of us were in that big a hurry than anything else.
That was months ago. We both have adjusted, to various degrees. She seems happy, much happier than I ever remember her being with me, even in the beginning. The boy seems well adjusted, as I've discussed before. Me, I'm working on it...I've found moving on a little more difficult. Ultimately, I know what the issue is...I need to be forgiven. I don't expect it from her, so it will have to come from me, and I just can't do it yet. I also need to move on, which I've also found difficult, again as previously discussed. I don't know if one is dependant on the other, or if one would help with the other...I do know it's difficult to feel guilty AND alone. But, you reap what you sow, and this is my responsibility.
Regardless, today would have been my 14th anniversary. My marriage is dead, though, and at some point, I guess I should stop counting. Maybe next year.
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