Confidence

I can't point out exactly when it happened. Sometime in the last 10 years or so, I seem to have lost most of whatever confidence I used to have.

It's funny, my ex-wife knew of me in high school, and hated me. Thought I was an arrogant ass. I'm not sure why she would have that impression...I didn't know her at all. When we started working together at the theater, she changed her mind after 1) she got to know me, 2) I got my long hair cut off, and 3) after the last movie would go in, I'd change the lobby music to show tunes from my favorite musicals. She said I was still too cocky, but I was charming and witty, and that made up for it.

I never thought I was arrogant, but I definitely felt pretty good about myself. I had PLENTY of insecurities, but I had confidence that my intelligence and charm would get me through them. After leaving the theater, I got a job as a Controller. I got that job because the CFO of the company called Wright State, and asked if they had anyone graduating that was both a strong financial accountant, and a strong cost accountant. A former professor recommended me, and they hired me after one interview.

That takes me up to about 7-8 years ago. I left there to pursue more money at a bigger company. That was a HUGE mistake, as I've already described. I got myself into trouble gambling...although I got myself out (and then some), it was a huge blow to my ego....again, another post. We had our son, and I realized that I had no clue what I was doing. After the first few years of marriage, I realized that I wasn't a very good husband, either.

Since then, I seem to have made a lot of poor decisions that have made me question just how smart I really am. I second guess myself constantly...I can't even make a post on facebook without questioning if it was something stupid, and deleting it before anyone sees it (I hope.) I can't seem to find the confidence in the charm and wit I used to have...I'm back to where I started, feeling awkward even talking to someone. Once I start talking, I seem to do fairly well...I know it's still there. I just have to quit second-guessing myself, and learn how to take chances again. Once upon a time, I was a risk-taker. A lot of those risks bit me in the ass. But not all of them...and that's what I need to remember.