Outside

I've always felt that I was on the outside. I know, everyone feels this at one time or another. Most people seem to grow comfortable with themselves, though...they seem to figure it out. I have in no way figured anything out.

When I was a kid, I played baseball. I played well enough that I moved up an age group, and was playing with the 'big kids.' That made certain I was always the smallest on the team. In second grade, they called my parents in to discuss if I should skip the second grade and move on to third. This was right about the time that they were getting divorced, though, and they figured I was going to have enough changes coming in my life. So, I was moved into the 'gifted' program instead. While this was a great learning experience, it still made me 'different' from everyone else.

When I moved after my parents divorced, I was the "new kid." The new kid, with horrible acne and braces. Sixth and seventh grades were some of the worst times of my life. I was picked on, pushed around, and excluded from just about everything. Girls were a dream, I had stopped playing sports, I was alone.

In eight grade, things changed. The braces came off, I saw a doctor that was able to help me with my complexion, and I went out for the wrestling team. I got my ass KICKED at first, but I was very dedicated. I lost my first 6 matches, then didn't lose again for the rest of the year, winning a 'Most Improved' award. The next year, I was voted captain by my teammates. I started dating, then went a little girl crazy (not sure that's completely gone yet...still dig women, and not for the reasons most guys seem to. Another post, maybe.)

So my freshman year was great. I was dating, I was fairly popular, I had friends. I even ran for class officer, and won. But I still was on the 'outside'. I still didn't have it figured out...I was dating, but I've never learned how to ask a girl out. Still haven't. I was doing well in school, but I never knew how to study...that hurt when I got into college. I got by mostly by pretending...I could pretend I knew what I was doing, and sometimes (like college) it didn't work out, but I got by.

It always blows my mind when someone suggests they thought I was one of the 'popular' kids. I wasn't. I knew a lot of people, because I was friendly and involved. But I can't say they were my friends, as evidenced by the fact that they all disappeared as soon as we graduated. Now, I see all the plans for our upcoming reunion. Honestly, I have no plans to attend. I still feel out of place, like I don't belong. I still haven't figured it out.

I got married, and had a kid. Neither of those were really a good idea in hindsight. I didn't know how to be a husband, and I sure as hell don't know how to be a father. The best I can do now is to pretend. It bit me with the marriage, as I'm no longer married. I pray every day that God sees fit to drop a "Fathers for Dummies" book in my lap, so I don't screw this kid up. I swear, I'm doing the best I can. I'm scared to death it's not enough.

I still don't think I have much figured out. Reading this blog post, it's pretty obvious that I don't have writing figured out either...what a meandering mess. But that's kind of where I'm at right now, so I'm leaving it. I'll say the same thing I do every night before I drift off to sleep...hopefully, tomorrow I'll figure it out, and THEN I'll do better. THEN I'll be on the inside, and everything will fall into place. I'll fall in love, figure out how to be a good father, how to be a good person, how to write a coherent thought, and I'll be happy. Today, I'll stand here on the outside.