Wow, just checked the stats on this blog...looks like I'm huge in Russia and Great Britain. Seriously, though, I do appreciate everyone that has taken the time to read it. It makes feel a little self-conscious, but it's here because I don't mind sharing. :-)
I'm honestly not sure where I'm at these days. I feel more 'up' than 'down' most of the time, but I still get pretty bummed occasionally. It's not lasting as long as it has in the past, though...maybe that's progress? I'm not sure.
I still catch myself worrying about the future. I keep telling myself that it's wasted energy, that I'm not accomplishing anything by doing it...doesn't matter. I wonder if I'm ever going to find my way out of my current job. I've worked in the IT department for the last two years. I'm an accountant, though...it's what I'd rather be doing. I'm almost certain that I won't have an opportunity to go back there with this company, and I'm now that I've been out for awhile, I'm not sure another company will hire back into an accounting job. And I can't do this for too much longer, that's for sure.
And of course I worry about the whole 'dying alone' thing. I'm torn about it. On the one hand, I do miss having someone to lean on, and having someone lean on me. I don't know how easy it will be to find someone like that, or, even if I find her, how easy it will be for me to do it. I've been hurt, and I carry a lot of guilt for the pain that I've caused. I've made connections fairly easily in the past, but I've always struggled to keep them. There are a few that have lasted a very long time...I know rationally that I'll likely find that person; hell, maybe I already have. The key will be when I can forgive myself for the mistakes I've made, and feel comfortable enough to let my guard down again. I'm working on that.
Pretty boring post today. I'll try to think of something better tomorrow. But, if I'm going to do this every day, you can't expect every one to be gold, right? ;-)
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