For the first time since I started this little experiment, I'm really in no mood to write. It's not that I don't have anything on my mind...as always, I have plenty. I just don't feel like it. But, a deal is a deal, even with myself, and I said I'd do my best to write every day.
Let's start with the fact that I'm feeling a bit depressed today. There really isn't any call for it...work wasn't that bad, and although I'm disappointed that I didn't get to have dinner with a friend, that shouldn't have put me in this mood. The only thing that bothers me more than feeling depressed is when I feel depressed for no reason. This pisses me off...I know, rationally, that I shouldn't be depressed. It has no basis, no cause. It's just how I 'feel'. Sometimes, I wish I didn't 'feel' so much...sometimes, I think Spock has it right.
I also wish I would stop feeling like a fool every time I open my mouth (or my keyboard...whatever.) I really try to be a 'nice' guy. I also have an odd sense of humor. But lately, I feel like everything I'm doing or saying is wrong. Just like here, I tend to write or say whatever's on my mind. I responded to a very sweet message I received over the weekend, and said exactly what I was thinking. Re-reading it later, I felt like an idiot. I should have just said thank you...probably would have saved myself some embarrassment. Same with some other messages I sent...nice conversations that I inevitably ruined by sticking my foot in my mouth.
So that's today. I'm beating myself up over my stupidity and feelings I can't seem to control. Today, it doesn't feel like I continued my improvement. Just spun my wheels. BUT, although I'm not what you'd call an optimist, I am optimistic that tomorrow I will do better. I still have hope...and as long as there's hope, there's a chance.
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