See ya, 2011

Okay, 2011...time for you to get your ass out of here.

It's been an absolutely crazy year. It was my first full year of living alone, and proving to myself that I could actually survive by myself. My divorce was finalized this year, I had more than a couple relationships start and end, and I took seriously the task of becoming a better person. I started the year full of doubt and in a not-so-good place. To be honest, I spent the majority of the year there, too. I tried very hard to become comfortable with myself...still working on it.

I have to say, though, the year seems to be ending much better than it started. I got to take a trip to Arizona with the boy to see my family, and had a great time. I met someone, and although it's been challenging at times, I feel really positive about it. More so than I've felt in a while. Work has been a pain, but not worse than usual, and it appears to be slowing down so that we can breathe.

I'm optimistic about 2012. It will have it's challenges, and, unfortunately, I'll create some of them. But it's starting out on the right foot. I hope to continue working towards my goals, and most of all, just....be happy.

Pride

"Pride goeth before the fall" is how I believe the saying goes. I think it comes from the bible, and basically says that being too proud and overconfident will lead you to make mistakes and cause your downfall. It's something I've always tried to avoid...maybe too much. But not always successfully.

It's a contradiction, I suppose. I can be incredibly insecure sometimes, as I've discussed. I do have pride, though. I know that I have value, and that I'm worth something. I do certain things well, and on balance, I think I try to be a pretty good guy. I handle my responsibilities, and I try very hard to say what I mean, and mean what I say. Although I've certainly allowed myself to be treated in ways I didn't really think I deserved, it hasn't happened often, and I've left those situations where I felt that way.

I've also gone too far, and allowed my pride to cause my fall. One of the stupidest things I ever did was break up with a girl in high school because I was too proud to admit that I screwed up. I ended a relationship of almost a year, and I've always wondered what would have happened if I hadn't just come clean. Maybe we would have broke up anyway, or maybe I would have ruined her life for a few more years. Seeing where she's at now, I'd have to say that she's done well for herself without me. Could be that my idiocy was fated...but I'll always wonder.

Now, I try to balance the two. Not be so proud that I let little things get under my skin. To understand the situation as best I can, and forgive those things that are merely irritants, or temporary. To take a long term view...can I handle minor problems in order to achieve major goals? Handle my pride, but not give in to my feelings about myself and allow someone to walk on me?

I think I'm doing a much better job at both lately. Right now, honestly, I feel fairly content. I feel good about myself, but not so much so that I can't admit when I screw up, or can't forgive a minor blow to my pride. For the most part, I'm in a pretty good place mentally. It's kind of a weird feeling for me...but I like it.

Trust

Been kind of hit or miss on updating the blog lately. It's not really that I don't have much to say as much as it is that I can't seem to keep all my thoughts straight. Not unusual for that to happen to me, but I can usually figure it out before long.

So, I have trust issues. Seems just about everyone does, to one degree or another. Somebody screws you over, and if you let it, it can be something that stays with you forever. It's something that I try to put a lid on, to bottle up and contain, because it's impossible to have any kind of relationship with anyone if you don't trust them. If I can't trust my friend, I won't be able to rely on them to be...well, a friend.

I'm not real sure where mine come from. Maybe it's the fact that my mother left when I was young. Although I didn't think it affected me much, it's not impossible that it caused some issues to develop. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been in relationships where I've felt used for one reason or another, and now I'm just gun-shy. It's certainly true that I've felt that. Whether it be for money, security, sex...there have been occasions where I didn't make someone treat me a little better. And I'm sure there have people that feel that way about me. You get treated how you'll accept being treated, though, so I deserve it if I allow someone to walk on me. If you feel that way about me, all I can do is apologize.

Obviously, everyone deals with it in different ways. I've been trying to work on mine...to allow myself to trust people. It's a difficult thing to do sometimes...when you have trust issues, everything looks shady, and everyone is out to break your heart. Trusting someone means giving them the power to do that. It's hard not to throw up the shields every time it looks like someone has hurting you on their mind. It's hard to let go, and trust that you're not going to hit the ground, or worse, fall forever. I don't think it's possible to find true happiness without finding true trust, though, in someone, even if it's yourself. Eventually, you have to lower your guard, and have faith.

Catching up, part 2

So, what happens when you're on the verge of possibly having everything you're looking for? If you're me, you probably do something stupid to screw it up. But I'm trying really hard not to do that...not to self-destruct like I have so many times before, to allow myself to roll with it and be HAPPY.

So, I'll just say it...I met someone. Someone who is intelligent, funny, beautiful, and has a good heart. Is she the 'one'? God only knows. She could just as easily walk out of my life as quickly as she walked in. The timing of our meeting absolutely sucks. Both just getting out of long term relationships, it's the holidays, and we both have 'drama' to deal with. I'm trying really hard to be pragmatic about everything...but it's hard not to be excited about it.

This post isn't really about her, though (she'll get her own post down the road, maybe.) It's about how I feel. I am really excited about it. I'm trying really hard not to do everything I've done in the past that hasn't worked. It's difficult not to automatically fall back on my defense mechanisms...mainly, throw up the wall so I can't get hurt. There are reasons to be wary. Like I said, both getting out of relationships, challenges on both sides to deal with, and my insecurities are alive and well, and kicking my ass sometimes.

Oh, insecurity. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not a good lover. She could do so much better. I'm boring, a dork, and I've destroyed every relationship I've ever been in. I think all those things are true...sometimes. But the truth is, none of that matters. I mean it does, but dwelling on it is one of the surest ways to failure. As I've said before, people that are close to you are often a mirror of what you're projecting. I don't want to project those things. It's a hard thing to change, but I'm trying.

I'm also trying to keep the wall down, to actually do and say what's in my heart instead of what's in my head. It's a really, really tough thing for me to do. It makes me feel vulnerable, and since my emotional makeup is sometimes that of a 12 year old girl, makes me feel weak. My head tells me to shut the hell up, to protect myself, to not allow people to see who I really am. I can do it here, because there aren't that many people listening, and those that are are doing so because they're interested. And by now, they know who I am. It's also rather impersonal...I'm just talking to myself, out loud in print. The worst that can happen is that I get a nasty comment or such that makes me feel stupid.

It's the never-ending war between my head and my heart (and occasionally my penis speaks up...I ignore him, though...he's a moron most of the time.) As opposed to all those failures in the past, I'm trying not to allow my head to get the last word in. Letting my heart rule leaves me open, and vulnerable, and a little scared. And there's the chance that it could end up being one of the worst things I've ever done. BUT, it could also end up being one of the best. I've tried it so often the other way, and that's got me here. Terrifying as it might be, maybe it's time to try something else. Who knows...it might just be the key to finding what I've been looking for.

Catching up, part 1

Hmmm...it's been almost a week, and my last post was about as depressing a post as I've put up. Sorry about that. It hasn't been the easiest of times, lately....not easy, but they have been fairly happy. It's a contradiction, I know.

It's always sad when things end, or when the form of something ends. I still have what I consider a pretty good relationship with my ex-wife...she's still one of my best friends in the world. But I was sad when our marriage ended. Although the relationship didn't completely end, the form of it did, and that was hard to take.

I had another of those 'changes' over the last couple weeks, and it hurt. I have said before...I don't think I'm insane for trying the same thing over and over, I'm just optimistic that I'll eventually figure it out, and it will work. There does come a point, however, when you have to realize that no matter how many times you've tried, it just isn't going to get there. Maybe it's the situation, maybe it's the timing, maybe there's too much history. Regardless, it's always difficult to let go. It's difficult not to say "let's try this one more time." I cling to the past...way too much, usually. I made the decision to let go. Wasn't an easy one to make, and I may regret it, who knows? But I felt it was the right one at this time.

But where one door closes, others open. There are things that enter your life, be it a person, a thing, a pet, whatever, that changes it, maybe forever. Reminds you of the good things in your life, and why it's worth it to be here. That deserves it's own post, though...more to come later.

Dead end

Shitty day. There's no question but that I'm an idiot. I can't help but seem to self-destruct.

And the worse thing is, there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it. I try really, really hard to do what I think is best, but it always seems to end up hurting like hell in the end. I've tried segregating myself, and telling myself that I'm okay...that I'll be okay. I've tried letting down my guard a little bit, and I tell myself THAT will be okay. It's never seems to be okay.

So, I'm not yet good at being by myself, and I'm not good around other people (and I don't seem to be good for them, either.) That doesn't really leave many choices...learn to be, or just not BE. I'm trying to learn...but days like today remind me that I have a long, long way to go. I hope to learn before it's too late.

Where I show I'm still a caveman

For all my book learnin' and "modern thinking," I'm still terribly old-fashioned when it comes to certain aspects of relationships. I fully believe that both men and women have roles in the relationship. Now, before the hate mail comes, allow me to explain a bit.

I fully believe that a man should help take care of the house. It's part of his living space too. I changed diapers, always did my own laundry, did dishes, and vacuumed. I'll admit that I didn't do much of the cooking, but my ex was a huge foodie, and enjoyed cooking. I left a lot of that up to her...but I was expected to take care of myself if she wasn't there or was too busy. She also did the majority of the grocery shopping, because if I went, I got pretty much what I wanted (and didn't use coupons.) That left us with a lot of food that she didn't want, and me eating more at the 'unhealthy' end of the spectrum. Occasionally, she'd give me a list of stuff to get, and I'd go.

When it comes to 'taking care of business', though, that's the man's job. Every relationship is different, obviously, but I always felt it was the man's job to provide for the bills. My ex had bills that she paid for herself, like her credit cards, but I paid all the utilities, the house payment, and most of the joint expenses. It's my job to pick up the tab when we go out to eat, to buy the movie tickets, etc. When we go somewhere, I'm the one that's most likely to drive. It's not that I won't ride (gives me time to play on my phone!), but it's my JOB to drive. It's my responsibility to take care of my 'family', and that means getting them to wherever we're going safely.

I've always understood the dream of being a kept man. Sure, it would be great if I was taken care of by some rich woman so I could stay at home and goof off all day. But my pride wouldn't allow it...I'd have to get a job and contribute, even if I wasn't the primary wage earner. I get really upset when I see so many women nowadays taking care of their men...not to get back on my 'douchebag' rant, but good Lord, man, have some fucking pride!

Maybe this makes me a neanderthal, and out of touch. I don't believe that women are subservient to men, not in the least. I am perfectly aware that most women today are more than capable of taking care of themselves, and believe me, I expect her to. But it's also MY job to take care of her. I could be wrong, but deep down, I think most women still feel that way, too. The idea is to take care of each other in a working partnership for the mutual beneficence of both parties. If you're not providing for and taking care of each other, then really, what's the use of being in a partnership at all?

Romance (or my lack thereof)

There are times that I read through these posts and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Then there are others that I actually kind of like, in a not-at-all-too-proud-of-myself way. I'd still like to do more with blog than sit around and bitch about my feelings, though. I'm not exactly sure what that will be...pimp my favorite music, movies, book reviews...I have no idea. Maybe I'll just be so happy that I can shut the hell up, or I'll come on here and give advice about the secrets to my success (as soon as I have some.)

In the meantime, here I am. I was thinking about 'romance' earlier. I am, flat out, not romantic, at least in a classical sense. I'm nobody's knight in shining armor. I don't typically buy flowers (what's the point? Yes, they're pretty...they also die shortly after I give them. What kind of symbol of my love is THAT?), or chocolates. I don't constantly call or text, nor do I need my partner next to me constantly. I've never announced to everyone that I was "in a relationship with" someone on FB (although, to be honest, I'm kinda looking forward to that someday.) I'm not likely to sweep anyone off their feet like Fabio in a romance novel. I know that some girls like this stuff...they live for it. Those girls aren't the ones that are interested in me for very long.

Here's the thing, though. I do believe in love, and I do believe in romance. I just think about it a little differently. I always have a song that's 'ours.' When I'm with someone, I'm WITH them. When I kiss, I kiss...I use my hands, not in a 'groping' way, but instead I want to run them through her hair, or touch her face. Same with making love. I rarely 'have sex.' I have to be honest...if my goal is just to climax, I can do it quicker and easier by myself. If I'm going to go through the time and effort of being with someone else, it's for the entire experience. I want to touch her, taste her, smell her, talk to her...I want to totally connect with her.

Take a step back...getting lost in the 'sex' part. Some guys excel at that 'classical romance' stuff. I've never been good at it. And I've never needed someone to sweep ME off my feet. I find it much more 'romantic' to be with someone who shows me how much she cares for me by listening to me, being more than just physically present when I'm with her, caring about me. Gifts are nice...a connection, one that's mental, spiritual and physical, is much better.

The upside of being realistic

I always claim to be a 'realist.' "I'm not pessimistic, I'm just realistic" about whatever it is. Taking a step back and looking at it, that's bullshit. I'm a pessimist. That's not healthy, though, and I want to change. I'll never be an optimist...it's just not in my nature. But I can certainly do a better job of being realistic, and that includes having a bit more optimism (even if it's difficult to do.)

What I mean by this is that part of being realistic is seeing that there is a reason for optimism sometimes. Back to yesterday's example, I claimed that there was a 10% chance that I would get the job I wanted, and for that reason, I should temper my enthusiasm. Not get too excited about it, so I wouldn't be so crushed if it didn't come to be. Again, sounds great in theory.

But real life isn't a game. There is no "10% chance" of it happening...there's 'some relatively small' chance that I'll get what I want. In real life, I use this argument to find all the reasons why I'm not going to get it....they'll never create the position, I'm not right for it, they'd never pick me. Here's the truth, though...maybe they will create it. And maybe they will think I'm right for it. There's some reason to be optimistic, right?

I realize that I'm now arguing both sides. Like any belief, if you're looking for evidence to support one side or the other, you can usually find it. I can find evidence that the position won't be created, or evidence that I wouldn't be picked, if I looked hard enough. And vice versa.

So what the hell AM I saying? I don't know. I guess that I need to try a little harder to be optimistic, so I don't crush whatever opportunities might exist before I even get to them. All while tempering my excitement so that I'm not overly hurt if it doesn't come to be. Mostly, though, I need to learn patience. All things will be revealed in time. It's hard to always live in the moment, but today presents us with enough problems that we don't usually need to go looking for tomorrow's early.

Protecting myself...from myself

Today I've been thinking a lot about a previous post that I made about 'false hope.' It's the phenomena I described where I get myself all excited about something, then immediately convince myself that it's never going to happen, and feel almost the same disappointment that I would if it didn't. I know it's partly a defense mechanism. Although the 'false hope' hurts, in some ways it takes the edge of the disappointment that I'd feel if I really got my hopes up, and it doesn't come through.

The point of the post was that I should avoid this 'false hope'. What I may not have been as clear about is the need for hope in general. Rather than getting overly excited about something, then crashing down, I need to put it in a realistic perspective. Let's see if I can come up with an example.

Let's say there's a rumor of a new job opening that I think I would be a perfect fit for. Rather than getting too excited about it up front, I need to put it in proper perspective, take a step back and really look at it. I may determine that there's a 60% chance that it's just that...a rumor. No new position exists. Now, while that would suck, I could deal with it...it wasn't that I didn't get it, it wasn't there to begin with. This is where the 'false hope' needs to be avoided. NOTHING HAS CHANGED...there is certainly no reason to be depressed about it. I may wish the position would have been created, and maybe it will in the future. I might be disappointed, but I shouldn't be crushed.

I might put a 10% chance of the position being created, and me getting the job. That's the proper perspective to get excited about. There's a relatively small chance, but a chance. The other 30% is the chance that the position is created, but for whatever reason, I don't get the job. That would be pretty devastating.

At that point, I could step back and look at it in total. 90% chance I don't get it, 30% I don't get it in a way that's going to be hard to take, 10% chance I get it. That's certainly enough to be hopeful about, without mentally crushing myself about it.

 Of course, all of that is easier said than done. It's a defense mechanism to try and protect me from my own defense mechanism. Feelings aren't rational, and most of the time when I'm hopeful, it's based not on a rational expectation, but instead on a feeling. All I can really do is try my best to think my way through it, and not allow myself to be disappointed over something that hasn't even happened yet...there's enough real disappointment in the world without creating my own.

Taking chances

Sunday. Always tough after a long weekend with my boy. But I managed to get through it, and it actually turned out to be a pretty damn fine day.

In life, we are often stuck with decisions where we don't know where to go, or what to do. Actually, that seems to be most of the decisions we face. It seems we can decide to do nothing, and face the specter of what might have been, or take a chance. Unfortunately, it's rarely the case where that 'chance' doesn't uproot our lives. For example, I might get an offer for another job (please??) At that point, I have to make a decision: do I give up my current job, which isn't making me happy, but is at least 'comfortable', to take a chance on the new one? Or do I stay with the familiar, and give up the opportunity of what *could* be what I've always hoped for?

It's never an easy decision. Sometimes, it's worked out for me, and sometimes it hasn't. All I can ever do is follow my heart, and my gut, and make the best decision I can make. When it's left me in a worse situation (damn you, Panasonic!), I had to kind of start over. But at the time, I made the best decision I could make. Looking back, although I regret the results, I don't regret the decision. Yes, I would have been better off staying where I was, but I learned a lot, and it's given me an opportunity to grow. And frankly, although I was definitely worse off when I moved, I certainly wasn't happy where I was, or I wouldn't have been looking in the first place.

We make the best decisions we can make, and we deal with the consequences of them. Sometimes, it's a step up, and other times, a step back. But, what's worse? Staying where we are, and wondering what might have been, or taking a chance on getting whatever it is we're looking for? Although I've been accused of being rather pessimistic, I'm optimistic enough to know that sometimes, I just have to take that chance. You never know...I may find exactly what I'm looking for. I certainly can't find it by NOT taking that chance.

Knots in my spaghetti

Reading over my posts from the last few days, there was quite a bit of rambling...lots of different thoughts thrown together. I had a theme in mind when I started, and just kind of got lost during the execution.

This happens to me a lot...trying to follow my thoughts when I'm just thinking at random is like trying to untangle a bowl of spaghetti sometimes. I'm actually okay with that. When I'm thinking of lots of things, I'm not focused on any one thing.

Where I get into trouble is when I keep coming back to the same thing, over and over. That's when things become dicey for me. I start picking at it, tearing it apart from all angles...over-analyzing. That kind of thing works great for puzzles and math problems. Eventually, I'll find the solution. But real life doesn't always have a solution, and language is often inadequate in describing real life. Real life can't always be described and analyzed in ways that make sense. So I end up analyzing the language.

One example. Someone tells you they 'love you'. What exactly does that mean? We have a notion of what 'love' means. But ultimately, it becomes a question of context and intent. It means something different when my son tells me he loves me, as opposed to my father, or someone I've helped with a problem. And even coming from the same person, it can mean different things at different times. Spending time over-analyzing something like that can drive you crazy. And even if you can get a handle on the words themselves, there's always the context and intent to tear apart.

I try to avoid these philosophical discussions with myself. Much easier to accept situations for what they are, and not spend a lot of time "thinking" about them. I TRY not to over-analyze...I really do. Not always successfully, though. Sometimes my spaghetti gets tied in a knot.

Friday, Friday

Friday, the end of a long week. My truck went into the shop for some fairly expensive repairs, I spent the week wondering if I was going to lose my cat, and it wasn't exactly a party at work. As evidenced by my last couple posts, I have been in a pretty down mood all week.

But...Friday. I got my truck back, and everything appears to be fixed. The cat is still very thin, and isn't eating as well as I would like, but she's still here. My boy is with me until Sunday, and that always makes me feel better. All in all, not a bad end to the week.

I was reminded today that I need to be careful with what I say...I tend to throw out vague statements that mean something pretty specific to me, but could be taken for something I didn't necessarily intend. I try not to make vague personal attacks in public, though...if something is on my mind enough to do that, then it almost by definition has to be important enough for me to approach the person directly. I obviously don't mind sharing (parts) of my life with the 'public', but I try to keep the arguments and attacks 'in-house', so to speak. What may seem like an attack on someone is more than likely just something dumb I thought up and felt like sharing. Today it was about people lying to themselves...something that, as realistic as I am, I've been known to do from time to time. It kind of goes hand-in-hand with the time-wasting post from yesterday. I should neither waste my time, nor lie to myself about what I'm doing or where I'm heading. If I can't be honest with myself, how can I be honest with anyone else?

It got me thinking, though, that there's the argument to be made that if you feel it's about you, even if it isn't, then maybe it in some way was. I think this is why music can have such an effect on us. Obviously, the songwriter wasn't thinking about ME when he wrote the song...they were trying to get a message out, whether about their life or just something they wanted to say. But some songs speak to me, intended or not. I've read stories and such that are much the same...no, they weren't necessarily talking about me, but maybe they could have been. Just like the best movies, books, and songs, life can often hides messages around for us that can speak if we're listening.

To paraphrase something Carly Simon once said, you might think that post/entry/song/poem/story/movie, etc. is about you...and if you do, you might just be right (whether anyone actually intended it to be or not.)

Don't waste your time

Made a post on FB today about wasting time. Time is the one limited resource we have, and one that we take for granted far too often. But what is a waste of time? I think it would be hard to classify things you enjoy doing as a waste of time, or things that we do in pursuit of a goal. It's difficult to judge those things up front, though. Here's two examples from my life.

I was 'dating' a girl who I knew from the beginning wasn't interested in a relationship. She made it pretty clear that she was interested in me because she thought I was good in bed (and, ahem...I am.) I, on the other hand, wanted a relationship. I pursued this for about six months, off and on. We'd talk on the phone, text, and I'd go visit whenever she asked me. This was clearly a waste of time for me...I wasn't pursuing my goal, and I allowed this relationship to interfere with others that were not only likely to be healthier for me, but could have been working toward the goal I was pursuing. I stubbornly kept at it, though, even when it became obvious it wasn't going anywhere.

On the other hand, as I mentioned yesterday, I went after a girl who I both knew wasn't interested in me, AND had a live-in boyfriend. That should have had red flags all over it...I should never have gone after her. In 99 cases out of 100, that's a waste of time. In this case, however, I thought early on that I had a shot, and I was right. Fifteen years and one beautiful kid. Obviously not a waste of time.

What's the big difference between the two? Results. I was unrealistic about the results in the first case...I ignored the signs completely. In the second case, I was realistic about them, but thought I could achieve what I was looking for. The key for me, I guess, is that I need to be more mindful of the likely results of the situations I put myself in, and when I see that I'm not likely to be pursuing my goals, cut my losses. As far as I know, I only have one chance at this life...it's too short to spend chasing mirages.

Counting my blessings and a PSA

So, let's be honest. Today has sucked. Truck's in the shop, and we're already at $2k and they're not done. I'm going to spend more repairing it than what's worth. The kitty's not eating as much today, and to top it off, the plumbing backed up. Just not a fun day.

BUT, I'm trying not to focus on that. Truth is, I'm still fairly fortunate. Yes, the truck needs repaired, and it's going to be expensive as hell. I'm lucky to have a pretty good job, and smart enough to prepare for shit like this, so it's unlikely that I'm going to have to skip any meals in order to get it fixed. In reality, it's an inconvenience for me, where it might be a crisis for someone else.

There are a lot of things that, when taken from that view, I should be more positive about. While it is true that my family has all left me here while they moved to some place warm, at least I have a family. No, I don't get to see them daily, but I can call my dad whenever I'd like. He may not answer, but the option is there.

Yes, it's pretty much just me and my sick cat here. That's been my choice, however. Truthfully, it's not as though I don't have other options. I've chosen not to accept them, for one reason or another. Same with the dating...it isn't as though I never go out, and I do have options. I know this. I'm not hideously deformed, nor am I an insufferable asshole. One of those I count as lucky, the other is just a result of a decent upbringing and a decision on my part.

Anyway...counting the blessings instead of bemoaning how horrible the day was. Or trying to, at least.

This should probably be a post to itself, but since I brought up 'insufferable assholes', this came to mind. It's a discussion I've had many times, and even though I'm getting old, I STILL don't get it. I can't keep track of how many women I know (or knew) that stay with some piece of shit husband/boyfriend to their own detriment. I just don't get it. I've heard all the reasons...'he doesn't *usually* act that way with me', 'I thought I could change him', 'but he really loves me', 'he's just going through a rough time.' I guess I shouldn't complain...my move used to be 'see that piece of shit your with? I'm better, come along with me.' It worked more often than you'd think...it's how I got my (ex-)wife.

In her situation, she was living with a guy who didn't have a job. She paid most of the bills, drove him around since he didn't have a car, and took his shit for a long time. She's a smart woman...I have no idea what she saw in him. To hear her tell it, his situation was supposed to be temporary. But the dude had already been married and left his wife with the kids. Why on God's earth did she think he would change? Luckily for both of us, I came along, she saw the error of her ways, and we had 15 years together, at least most of which were pretty damn good.

I have other friends...one got knocked up by an alcoholic piece of crap, only for him to leave her with three young kids. One married a guy who was known for fighting, and was surprised when he hit her. One is with a guy who had already been divorced twice before with two other kids, and she was shocked when he left her when she got pregnant.

Ladies, there ARE decent guys out there. They may not be the best looking, or have the most money, or be a champion in the bedroom. But they won't hit you, they won't leave you with a pile of bills, and they won't drop you and their kids as soon as they decide they want a different piece of ass. No guy is perfect (and neither is any woman), but if you guys would stop dating the assholes, we might have fewer of them around. I realize that 'dangerous is sexy' and all that, but is that worth ruining your lives over? One of those mysteries I'll probably never understand, I guess.

'Mental-me' vs. 'Real-me'

Let's see if I can write something that makes a little bit of sense. First, the kitty update: she actually ate something on her own last night! She ate some grilled chicken that I had made myself for dinner. Again, I know that she's still on borrowed time, but every day she eats is another day I get to keep her around. One day at a time.

So, this concept of 'mental-me' versus 'real-me.' I think it's common to everyone, and this probably isn't even an original idea, but it struck me yesterday. If I can fully accept it, maybe I can be a little more forgiving of myself and others.

What I'm thinking is that everyone has this mental image of themselves (mental-me) that is the person we want to be. Mental-me wants to be healthier and happier, and has a plan to get there.

Then there's the person that you actually are (real-me). Real-me has routines, bad habits, and needs that mental-me doesn't.

I think we often talk about things in the future, or things we want to do, from the perspective of 'mental-me.' When I go to the grocery store, 'mental-me' wants to go on a diet, so I buy carrots and salads with the full intention of actually losing some weight. Then, 'real-me' takes over in the moment and eats potato chips for dinner.

'Mental-me' wants to be in a healthy relationship. 'Real-me' will accept being used or being unhappy if it brings needed companionship, or avoids confrontation. I remember talking about getting a divorce a full year before I actually did. 'Mental-me' knew it wasn't a good situation, and wanted to fix it. 'Real-me' was lazy, and valued the immediate needs of having someone around over long-term happiness. Eventually, these two 'me's' came together, but it took a while.

I think we often say or do things based on our best intentions. Some of us have the 'mental' and the 'real' who get along pretty well. Others, it's more of a struggle. I guess what I'm saying is when I say I intend on going to that party, calling you back, losing weight, getting healthy (mentally and physically), 'mental-me' fully intends to do so. As long as 'real-me' doesn't get in the way.

And maybe I'm not being lied to sometimes...maybe someone else is fighting that same struggle. Or, I could be being lied to. I said yesterday that honesty is found not in words or the short term, but rather in the long term. If what I'm told isn't followed up by actions, then it doesn't really matter if it's failed intentions or a lie...it's all the same results. When it comes down to it, results are all that matter. That takes getting the 'mental-me' and 'real-me' on the same page, working towards the same goal...that's who I want to be, and the best people to surround yourself with.

Mentally spanking myself

Blah. That about sums up today. It hasn't stopped raining all day (at least it's not snow...see, I can be positive!) The cat still won't eat. And I'm feeling guilty for more things that I shouldn't.

Of course, that's not news. I've said before, no one knows how to beat me up like I do. And sometimes, I certainly deserve it. It's a part of being responsible for your actions, I think. I don't get to escape from punishment just because no one else punishes me...I'll do my best to punish myself. It sounds stupid when I spell it out like that, but that's pretty much what's happening.

Take the cat, for example. It's not my fault the cat has liver disease. It's not my fault that won't eat. I'm doing my best to take care of her, and extend her life as long as I can with the hope for some sort of miracle turn-around. But I feel horribly guilty about it. I took this cat from a friend who cared a lot for her...really, she is one awesome cat. I feel more than anything like I let him down by taking her and having her in this position just a few months later. I try to tell myself that isn't the case, but as I've discussed, the rational part of my brain isn't all that great at influencing the feeling part. There are other examples, but it's that kind of thinking that brings me down.

There's this concept that I'm turning around in my head, and haven't figured out how to verbalize yet. It's the concept of the 'real-me' versus the 'mental-me.' I'm going to try and flesh it out...maybe tomorrow.

False hope

Another Sunday. Still trying my best to take care of the cat...she still hasn't decided to eat on her own. If she doesn't change her mind, there's really not much I can do. I feel horrible about it. It may totally be a coincidence that she got sick the day I left for vacation. I have no idea. What I do know is that I left, she stopped eating, and now, unless she starts again, I'm going to have to make a decision about whether or not to end her suffering. I know a 'real' man would probably be able to do that, for the good of cat and all that, but it's a decision I will struggle with mightily.

That didn't help me get much sleep last night. I also spent a large portion of time just trying to figure out where in the hell I'm going. I come off as much more pessimistic as I really am...that's not to say that I'm not, just that I'm much more hopeful than I let on. I try not to be. If expectations are the main cause of disappointment in my life, false hope is a close second. I've faced it all the time because I let my imagination get away from me. Someone calls about a possible job, and I'm dreaming of the new place before I've even had an interview...only for them to not even call and schedule one. I meet someone new, and I'm thinking of what our relationship is going to be like...and she's not even interested. My kitty takes a bite of food on her own, and I'm thinking of how I'm going to discuss the close call down the road...only for her to refuse to take a second bite.

These aren't really 'expectations', in that I have no real feeling that they're going to happen. I am realistic. But they can be hopes that I let run away with me. And it's hard not to feel that little twinge of excitement when thinking about them. Another problem solved. Then, the 'rational' part takes over, and I feel the disappointment just a strongly as if it was an expectation that didn't come to pass. Not a damn thing has changed in the five minutes between those thoughts...just my head screwing with me. It can be frustrating when you are your own worst enemy.

Lost and found

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing sometimes. I feel like I'm on the path of figuring it out, then something happens and I'm lost again. Or vice-versa.

I haven't had much luck with pets. I have a cat that I've grown pretty fond of...she's very affectionate, and when I talk to her I don't feel crazy for talking to myself out loud. She may not understand a word I'm saying, but she 'listens' all the same. My cat has been sick for a week or so. I figured that she was mad at me for going on vacation...she gets mad at me sometimes (just like most other women in my life.) Today, I took her to the vet and found out it's much more serious than that. Fact is, odds are very slim that she'll be here this time next week. I made the comment yesterday that maybe it's a sign that I should be alone...that I deserve it. I don't *really* think that's true, but sometimes it sure feels like it.

Then I had coffee with a friend, and remembered how nice it is to just sit and talk with someone that talks back. To just have someone listen and respond. Of course, I did most of the talking, but she was polite enough to appear interested. The point is, I miss that. Maybe I DO deserve to be alone...but I sure don't WANT to be alone. I've said before here in my ramblings that I believe I'm perfect for someone. 'Perfect' in this sense means something special (see the earlier post), and I may never find her. But sometimes all it takes is a little thing to re-kindle my faith that she exists...and that's enough.

Exposing myself (not like that...)

My purpose in writing this blog is, basically, to get the things in my head down on 'paper.' It's a self-help mechanism, a sounding board, a way to express myself. I've found in therapeutic in as much as it helps me put into words what I'm thinking or feeling. I've put it out here in public for a couple reasons...one, if I feel that there are readers (even if there aren't), I feel a bit of a commitment to do it. Two, I think I have to be honest. If I'm not, there's always the possibility that I'll get called on my bullshit. Third, maybe it'll help someone else. Maybe by verbalizing what I'm feeling, I can help them with whatever issue they have. I'm not talented enough to write poetry, or sing songs, or paint...but I have always had a least some ability to express myself.

All that being said, I still feel that bit of exposure when I've found someone has read it that I didn't expect. I can see the statistics...I know that there are SOME people out there that read this shit. I tend to ignore that as much as possible, though. My goal has never been to write FOR you, it's to write TO me and share it with you. In "real" life, I'm the type of person that is typically very quiet, until you get to know me. Put me in a room full of strangers, and you won't know I'm there. In a room full of my friends, or at least people I'm familiar with, I'll be in the front of the room holding court.

I guess what I'm saying is that I treat this space as a room full of friends. I share much more than I would if I was out in public...which, of course, is why I have such problems meeting new people. I can be fairly personable, I have a pretty good (if sometimes dirty) sense of humor, and I can speak intelligently on a lot of different topics (or at least fake it.) So why try so hard to fade into the background? If I could treat the 'real' world like I do the 'unseen' world here, I think I would be a lot better off. Maybe if I could just get everyone to turn around for a couple minutes? No? Okay...guess I'll just have to work on it.

Idiot

Turning yet another puzzle around in my mind...another one of those things that is probably nothing, but once it gets into my head, it's hard to get out. The question I'm asking myself now is about the kind of image I present. Despite how it may seem, I'm really not that bad a guy most of the time...sure, I talk down about myself, and I'm not my favorite person sometimes, but all in all, I don't horrify myself. I don't really think I deserve to be alone...frankly, I think I'm a lot better than some guys out there. Here's what got me thinking about it.

Yesterday, I made a post of FB that I thought would be funny, something about my attraction to women in glasses and sweatpants (see yesterday's post.) One of my friends asked why I was still single, seeing as how I'm fairly easy to please. I responded that although I'm easy, I'm an idiot. Now, that's true...I am. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be alone, would I? I've done some stupid things, no doubt. But I'm trying to learn, and I'm confident I'll do better with my next chance.

Anyway, another friend liked my comment. I responded that I wasn't sure if she liked it because she thought it was funny, thought I was an idiot, or both. Of course, she said 'both'. While I was glad she found it funny, I had to wonder what I've done to make her think I was an idiot. Her comment provoked two responses I received. One, she was flirting with me (ha, fat chance. HIGHLY doubt that.) Two, someone asked when I dated her and why'd we break up. In fact, I've never dated her, haven't even met her. Just from what I've seen on FB, I think she's awesome...but we've never dated. My initial thought was she was being funny, and I'll admit, I did laugh when I read it.

But what if she wasn't? What basis have I given her to think I was an idiot? It could be that she knows someone I've dated, and is getting the information from there. Or, she could be taking my self-deprecation at face value, and assuming that since I am constantly putting myself down, I must indeed BE the idiot I say I am.  Regardless, it got me thinking more about what I say, and how I say it. I'm not usually very careful...I'll put myself down at the drop of a hat, and I say whatever pops in my head. While that isn't usually a bad thing for me, I should probably take the time to step back and evaluate the message I'm sending...people might just believe me.

Finally, not a depressing post

The last couple of posts have been kind of downers. So let's discuss something a little more fun...things I'm attracted to for no apparent reason.

First off, I have a bit of a thing about hair. I like women with long hair (defined to be at least shoulder length), long enough for me to run my fingers through. For some reason, I like ponytails...maybe because I like necks, and for a woman with long hair, a ponytail is showing off what's usually hidden. I also prefer brunettes to blondes (although, believe me, there isn't anything wrong with blondes, either.)

I like girls who wear glasses, too. One of my prerequisites in a woman is someone who can hold a conversation. I guess the glasses put off an aura of intelligence. Regardless, I find them sexy.

And one that seems, to me, to be the oddest...I dig a woman in sweatpants. I remember summer school gym in ninth grade, as well as the time I spent helping the school's drill team. That was shortly after I started to become sexually active, and with all the hormones and stuff, seeing all those girls in (mostly cutoff) sweatpants killed me. It still does. Something about the casualness about it, and the way they fit, and the ease of getting them off drives me nuts.

Those are the main things. There are a lot of other little things, like I find accents hot, I like latina women, etc., but as far as things that get me going, those do.

Post-vacation blues

Although yesterday wasn't so bad, I stayed pretty busy all day catching up on what I missed while I was on vacation. Today, the 'post-vacation' blues hit hard and heavy. Just an few things that individually aren't that big a deal, but taken together, just brought me down.

I sent a friend request to a co-worker. She didn't accept it. To be fair, we don't work that closely together, and she doesn't know me that well. But I can only think of two reasons that would happen. Either she didn't know it was from me, which means that I didn't make enough of an impact on her that she remembered my name, or she doesn't care for me. She's friends with other co-workers, so I don't think it's an issue of her just keeping business and personal separate. Disappointing, a bit.

The person I talked to yesterday about a new job hasn't called back, and didn't follow up with the e-mail she said she was going to send. That can't possibly be good news.

It's snowing. Reason enough right there...I can't STAND snow. Especially when I just got back from fucking Arizona. Ugh.

I think I need to go shopping. Most of my clothes are old, as I tend to keep things around until I wear them out. Maybe some new threads would help me feel a bit better about myself. Regardless, I need them. Any personal shoppers out there in blog land?

Heart attack

One of the worst parts about my current situation is something I've already discussed, how there really isn't any one for me to call if I need help. I take medicine for muscle spasms...sometimes they get so bad that the entire muscle will lock up. It'll look like I have a baseball growing out of my back. Although it usually occurs in my back, it will happen in other muscles as well.

Tonight, I had one in my chest. My left shoulder is killing me. Every time this happens, the first thought I have is 'pain down my left arm and in my chest, must be a heart attack.' I dismiss the thought fairly quickly...I don't REALLY think it's a heart attack. But I've never had one, so I don't have any idea what it will feel like if I do. I had a vision of me calling an ambulance for help and being taken to the hospital. Then what? Who would call my work to let them know I wouldn't be in? Who would lock up my house? I'd have to call my ex-wife and let her know, since I wouldn't be able to pick up my son, but I'm no longer her responsibility. She has her own life. Would I just get on facebook sometime at the hospital and tell people? Or maybe report it here? To what end?

Maybe it's just the time of year, or maybe my recent vacation has just brought it into more focus. Holidays aren't much fun right now. I'm sure this will change, or I'll at least get used to it. In the meantime, I hope I don't have a heart attack.

All's quiet

I've actually been doing okay today, all things considered. I got a lot done, and kept myself busy for the most part. But now that I'm pretty much finished for the day, the house feels worse than empty. I had my boy for 10 straight days, just me and him. He can sometimes be a pain in the ass, and sometimes I'm almost begging for 5 minutes of quiet. He gives me a reason to be here, though...sometimes I feel he's the only reason. It's certainly not fair of me to put that on him, but if he wasn't here, I'm not sure I would be. If I were, I wouldn't be doing the things I'm doing, such as getting ready for work tomorrow. He needs me to do those things, though, and I do, for him.

Other than how I"m feeling, there is hope on the horizon. I received a call while I was gone about my resume, back in a plant accountant role. Believe me, I'll be on the phone with them by 8:05 tomorrow. Although I think I'm going to pass, I also received a communication from a young lady on eHarmony...first one since I stopped paying. I'd have to sign back up to communicate with her...tempting as that is, I doubt it's worth it. But it was very flattering, and a nice ego-boost that I kinda needed. I also received a couple messages while I was on vacation that were very nice, including one asking me for coffee. While that one isn't of a 'romantic' nature (she's taken), I thought it was very sweet, and I'm very much looking forward to having a cup of java and chatting. Maybe she'll let me in on her boyfriend's secrets...God knows, I could use the tips!

Back to the grind tomorrow...let's all shoot for a good start to the week, k?

Back on the horse

It's been over a week since I last checked in because I was on vacation. I tried to take a vacation from everything...no work, very little facebook, very few e-mails. Tried to leave my problems behind, and just enjoy it. Here's what I learned on vacation.

First, I REALLY miss having family around. Where I'm at now, I don't really have any family, and very few friends who would miss me if I wasn't here. I spent the week with my father, step-mother, my brother and his family. It was nice to know that, if just for a little while, there was someone there who I could lean on a bit.

Second, I didn't find it all that difficult to just shake off my problems and leave them here. Sure, they were waiting for me when I got back, but once removed from my environment, it seemed pretty easy to just leave them behind. Makes me think that there really is a chance I could start over if I so desired.

Third, I'm lonelier here than I thought. I spent most every day with my family, and if I was there today, I'd be spending today with them, too. Like I said, it's just nice to have someone around.

Fourth, I LOVE my boy. This was the first time that he and I took an extended vacation together, and wow...I'm not taking credit for any it. He's just a really, really good kid. He did his best to help me, and we had a lot of fun this week. He's not perfect, but damn, am I lucky.

I had a birthday while I was on vacation. My nieces and nephew made me presents, and my sister-in-law made me cupcakes. It was wonderful. The truth is, though, I don't like my birthday. I've lived 12 years longer than I thought I would, and probably 7 years longer than I should have. Seven years ago, everything was great...I had a good job, a family, and my family was still around. In the last seven years, I've caused me and those around me a lot of pain. I'm closer to 40 now, and I still have no idea where I'm going, or how to get there. I want things to CHANGE, but much like the 'hope and change' of the last election, I'm not exactly sure what that means. I feel like I'm waiting...waiting for everything to fall into place. I know that's not going to happen, but I can't help...hoping.

Four (five) groups of people in your life

Not sure how well I'm going to keep these updated over the next week or so...I'll probably just add posts when I have time.

I read an article about the four types of people in the world, and, as usual, it got me thinking. I added a fifth group, because I felt it was incomplete. Here they are, and my thoughts.

1) The people who like you for the right reasons - these are the people that know you, and still have a reason to like you. The problem with this defining this group is that you have to find a reason in yourself that people would like you. Now, while self-esteem isn't my strongest point, I'm not totally devoid of it, either. I have a lot of good qualities that some people like. I'm certainly not everyone's cup of tea, but I am some peoples. The best group.

2) The people who like you for the wrong reasons - this is a dangerous group for me. I want to be liked...but some people like me for all the wrong reasons. They either don't really know me, or they know me TOO well, and are just using me. For me, unfortunately, this is the larger of the two "like" groups.

3) The people who don't like you for the wrong reasons - I find this group annoying. You don't know me, why don't you like me? Or, you don't like me because of your own problems. The sane thing to do is just to walk away from them, but I find that difficult. I want to turn them around, show them I'm a 'good guy.' This group is a waste of my time, though.

4) The people who don't like you for the right reasons - probably the most important group. This group has a reason not to like me...it's primarily filled with ex-girlfriends, their ex-boyfriends, and other people that I've pissed off. It's a large group, but it's the one that can teach us the most about ourselves. These are the people I've wronged. I've apologized where I could, but some things I can never atone for. I can just try harder next time.

5) The people who don't give a shit about you either way - I added this one. This is the majority of the world. I wish I didn't think like this...we're all in this together and all that. But the truth is, the majority of the people DON'T care about me. Not like they hate me, they're just more interested in themselves. These people, though, have potential. I need to do a better job of making them fit in group 1 when I can, and not group 4. I'm trying.

If only duct tape fixed everything

I have a tendency, when something isn't working, to just want to blow it up and start over. If the spreadsheet I'm designing isn't what I want, start from scratch. Don't like the progress I've made in a game...start over. Computer acting up...format the hard drive and rebuild. When I do this, I can usually make it much better than it was by avoiding all the mistakes I made.

Can't be done in life, though. I make a mistake, and I'm stuck with it. Maybe if we had the technology presented in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," where we could just go in and erase memories, I could fix things. So, I'm stuck. I can 'start over' in an existing relationship, but there's always the history there. Hard feelings and memories of my stupidity carry over. Same with my job. Just can't 'start from scratch.'

I could always try to find a new job, or a new relationship, but that's not easy. That only leaves one thing to do...fix it. And I'm just not very good at fixing things. Everything gets patched and covered in duct tape. Unfortunately, they don't make duct tape for fixing the things I screw up. I can only fix it the best I can, and hope it heals. But there are always cracks...

Self-destruction

I'm not even sure where to start tonight. To be honest, I don't even feel like writing, but I feel like I should. 

One of my favorite sayings is that when you feel like you're in a dark period of your life, to remember that it's not a hole that you're in, it's a tunnel. The idea is that you can get past it, that there's light on the other side. It's one of those things that I spout off when I'm talking to someone and trying to raise their spirits. And I genuinely mean it.

For them. For me, it's a damn hole sometimes. It's a trap that I fall in, and have to climb like hell to get out. The saddest part is that I'M the one digging the fucking thing. Nobody does this to me...I do it to me. And although I try not to do it, I just can't seem to stop sometimes.

This morning, I woke up in a fairly positive mood. I've got a lot of things going on that are quite frankly stressing me out, but it's okay...this morning, I could handle it. I felt good about myself. Then, I had a meeting with my boss's boss. I'm not going to go into details (since I don't know who exactly is reading this), but it should have been flattering. He was asking my opinion on something, something that I should have had no opinion on at all. He didn't have to...in fact, he probably shouldn't have. But he was actually interested in what I had to say, and knew I'd be honest with him. So how did I turn this around? I started worrying about the impact of our conversation on me down the road, things I can't control. I kicked myself for what I said, things I can't change. I turned it into a negative.

I am constantly worrying about things I've said or done, and beating myself up over it. Flirting with a girl? Idiot...you know she's not interested. Not asking a girl I'm interested in out? Coward...that's the reason you're alone. Having some unexpected problem pop up? Moron...you should have thought of that before and been ready. Have something not get done? Worthless...anybody could have done that, and done it better.

Now I know that I'm being too hard on myself. I wish I could be that cool guy in the movie, the slacker that's always having fun and doesn't have a care in the world. I don't know how to let things go. It's one of my greatest strengths...it makes me loyal, dependable, someone who IS able to get things done. But it's also one of my biggest weaknesses...nobody can destroy me like I can. And unfortunately, I'm really, really good at it.

Back with a true rant

Missed another day...ah, well. The medication is kicking back in, and I'm starting to feel a bit better about myself. Those aren't necessarily related...I've received some incredibly nice messages the last two days that made me very happy. Let's just agree that I'm doing better...the cause isn't (that) important at the moment.

Anyway...back to writing. I've tried very hard to not rant about this, but really, I've had it. If I offend you, I'm sorry, but if you know me at all, you had to know it was coming sooner or later. Just know that I still love you dearly (if I know you), regardless of your feelings about this. If I don't know you, you probably don't give a shit what I think anyway, so here goes.

I've have absolutely had it with all the self-important assholes and their hanger-ons that have nothing better to do. Yes, I realize that calling someone 'self-important' on my blog is a little ironic, but I try not to cram it down your throat or call a press conference everytime I write. But seriously...I've had it. Just today, I've seen:
1) PETA protesters complaining about a video game character with a raccoon tail. Seriously? This is another organization that may have been valuable at one time, but is now just a fucking joke.
2) These 'Occupy' people. I just don't get it. In my city, they're being 'asked' to move so that the city can light the Christmas tree. All this, and I have no frickin' idea what they're even trying to protest, or what they're hoping to accomplish. Maybe it's all worthwhile, but from what I see, it's a bunch of people asking for something instead of working for it...get a job, and you won't have time to protest.
3) Just because the 'left' doesn't have a monopoly on crazy, the 'Tea-Party.' Listen, I'm libertarian who is slightly more conservative. I HATE big government. But shut the hell up already.
4) Penn State protesters. Damn college students. There's more to life than football, namely, it should be a generally looked down upon to RAPE KIDS AND NOT TELL ANYONE. But while I'm on the subject...
5) The people condemning Joe Paterno. Listen, we don't know what happened, and we don't know who knew what when. We don't know what Paterno was told, how he was told it, or anything else. You can have an opinion, but aren't we generally supposed to withhold our hatred until we know what's going on? I've said before...if you're a pedophile, I have NO problem with you receiving the death penalty. But I want you to be convicted before you fry...then, I'll pull the lever. Promise. If you knowingly protected a pedophile, I have no problem punishing you, too. But I'm not so sure about punishing people based on what I think they did.
6) The people I know who have to make EVERY FUCKING THING a crisis. I'm sorry the search screen on your computer doesn't look the way you want, but the world will not stop because of it...don't come and interrupt what I'm doing. I'm sorry your computer broke...um, we'll fix it, you don't need to dial '911'. These people, it doesn't matter if I'm on the phone, in the bathroom, dead...their problem is the MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER!!! Fuck off.

I'm sure there are people I've missed. I guess my point is, everyone needs to calm the hell down. Maybe have some perspective. I know I lose mine sometimes...I'm not convinced I'm the only one.

Start a new streak...maybe.

So, I missed a day. I didn't forget, I just couldn't think of anything to say, and frankly, didn't much feel like it.

I've been on anti-depressants for about 6 months now. I wish I had gone on them sooner...I might still be married. Regardless, my prescription ran out last week, and I haven't refilled them. Thought maybe I could handle it. Ummm...not so much. The boy's been here since Thursday, though, so it's been okay. But....I think I'll go ahead and refill them.

The stranger in the mirror

I added a thought yesterday after I had already posted, and I've been wrapping my head around it. It's not really some great epiphany...I think it's something I knew, just maybe not put all the pieces together and said it out loud before.

I've said before that I have low self-esteem. I'm not sure that's really true. Back in 'the day', I KNOW it wasn't true. I would argue whether or not I was 'cocky' (I most certainly wasn't), but I did possess a certain confidence. I think I've always known my strengths and weaknesses, and I've always tried to 'under-sell and over-deliver', but deep down, I thought I was a pretty good guy. Not great, but pretty good...attractive enough that someone could be seen in public with me, smart enough to be able to win an occasional trivia contest, athletic enough to play a game of weekend basketball, decent enough that I could meet your folks, a good enough sense of humor that you wouldn't be bored on a car trip with me. Not spectacular, but I had a niche, and it worked. I was confident in who I was. I still wasn't the most outgoing of people, and I wasn't one to just walk up to someone and start a conversation, but I knew what worked, and I knew how to get along.

Funny thing is, I still believe all those things about myself (well, maybe except for the athletic part.) So why the crisis of confidence, then? It's not that I no longer believe those things, it's that I don't believe other people see those things in me anymore. Again, it's the wrong way to see things, I know. Especially when I can be so stubborn about things...I don't really give a shit if you don't like my taste in music, or movies, or books, or the fact that I play video games...I like them, and that's that, I don't care what you think about it. But I want you to like ME. I want society to find in me all those things that I see in me.

That's a losing battle if there ever was one. Society doesn't really care about me. That was fine up until a few years ago, because I had SOMEONE who did. Someone who saw all those things in me, and did like me. I had someone who, when I thought about what THEY thought of me, I knew they saw all the good in me that I thought was there. Obviously, I lost that. I lost the reflection of myself that let me know that everything was okay with me. I'm trying to find it in myself, and I find it difficult to see sometimes.

I see it occasionally, though, in my son. He's still at that age where he thinks I can fix anything, that I'm someone he can look up to. But he's getting closer to that point where he'll realize that I'm not perfect, that I make mistakes. That maybe I'm not the role model he wants for his life. We all go through that phase. Some of us, like me, come back around and realize that, failings or not, our father or mother IS someone who we can still pattern ourselves after. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. Regardless, I have to be able to look in the mirror and see what I know is there...and some days, I don't. The person I see is sometimes a stranger that looks vaguely familiar, like a much older, sadder version of someone I used to know. And I miss that guy.

Enjoy the burrito

I don't have anything nearly as interesting as the spark of yesterday's conversation today. Just some odds and ends to get off my chest.

First, I'm disappointed that my local school levy didn't pass. In most relatively middle to upper-middle class communities, the people who live there got to where they are because they value education. In the past, most of the school levies in this district have passed. I realize times are tough for a lot of people, and that may have had an impact. Unfortunately, this area has seen a lot of rapid growth, and, although, I haven't checked the stats, my guess is that the average price of homes in the area has dropped considerably. More people are moving here that maybe don't have the same philosophy. I could be dead wrong...I don't know. I do know that I moved back to this area not only because it's where I grew up, but it's where I wanted my son to go to school. I moved out of a lower rated district, and into what I thought was a better school district. It may not stay that way, however, and I find that sad.

Related to that, I find it a bit disappointing how much literature I received on the state-wide initiative limiting the power of unions. In fact, I saw local teachers passing out fliers urging people to vote against the initiative, to preserve the rights of union workers....while I think that was an important issue, I think I would have rather have seen them passing out literature concerning the school levy. It seems counter-productive to me to urge voters to protect their rights, including their salaries, while not campaigning just as hard to preserve the jobs and services in their district. Maybe they did...I don't know. I only know what I saw, which was a lot of concern about protecting the unions, and not nearly as much about protecting the school.

Anyway, this news put me in a sour mood. It seemed everywhere I looked today, the news was as bad or worse. I made an effort to avoid it...I can feel myself being pulled into a funk, and don't need one right now. I heard a story that I've heard a version of many times, but it's a trap I still fall into. A guy was talking about how much he liked his lunch, this special burrito. In fact, he liked it so much that he would get a bit sad when he was almost finished, since he wouldn't get another one until the next day. But he was missing the point...he was thinking about it being over, instead of just staying in the moment. Why lessen your enjoyment of the now worrying about the later, or obsessing over the then? "Enjoy the burrito now."

A post-script, something that's been in my head that I need to figure out. I took a look in a mirror earlier, and, for just a split-second, didn't recognize myself. For the briefest time, I saw what others see when they look at me. I think, ultimately, that's the root of my self-esteem issue. It isn't really what I think of me that bothers me...it's what I think YOU think of me, society at large. It shouldn't be that way, really...but I think that's the root of it. It's why I don't like pictures of myself...I'm forced to see me as others do, rather than the image I have of myself. I need to flesh this one out further, but it's been in my head for the last hour or so, and I needed to get it out of there!

Stones in the ocean

So I made a status update this afternoon about my affect on the world, and got a bit of feedback from someone who I think a lot of, Saleem (I know, I don't usually put names here, but he wanted credit, so he got it!) Basically, the argument broke down like this: I think my effect on the world is very small, and he stated that in actually it could be quite large. I think we're both probably right, but coming at it from two very different perspectives (and from two different places.)

First, let me start out by saying that I think he's right...in a way. If I may be so bold as to try and restate what he's saying (or at least how I understand it), he's taking it as though my actions could have a ripple effect. If I could brighten just three people's days today, and they brightened three each themselves tomorrow, and so on, by the end of the week we could touch the whole world. To me, that's a very positive way to look at it, and would make me feel pretty special, if I could buy in to it.

To me, it's just a different viewpoint. Allow me to try and explain it like this...it's the difference between a calm lake and the ocean. If I drop a stone in a calm lake, the ripples, however faint, will eventually reach the shore. I think that's his viewpoint, and it's a positive one. One man can reach the whole world. As my loyal readers know, however, I'm a bit more negative than that. My view is that we don't live on a lake, we live on an ocean. There are constant waves in everyone's lives, such that it would take a monumental stone for anyone to even notice.

Which brings me back to the point of the post, which isn't really about the waves at all, it's more about the stone. See, I wake up in the morning, commute to work, sit at a desk, come home, blab on facebook, write a blog post, and go to bed. That's pretty much my life. I have my son, and he has me. I have some family, and a few friends. But in the grand scheme of things, what I'm doing here isn't all that important. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but right now, it just is. Other than my son, I just don't feel like the world would be missing much without my contributions. This isn't a pity-party, nor do I buy into the "nobody loves me" bullshit. There are certainly people whose lives would be worse off without me in it. But not drastically so, for the most part. My friends would miss me, my family would mourn me, and my son, regardless of how bad I may be fucking him up, would CERTAINLY be worse off. They'd all move on, however. It's the nature of things...things come, and they go. Nothing is forever. And we all adapt when things are gone.

I think this sounded much more negative than I meant it to be, however. The original thought behind the post was that there really shouldn't be much pressure...out of the 7 billion people in the world, there are only a handful that really matter, and even to them, it's a temporary thing. We should live our lives, be happy as much as we can, try not to do any harm, and let the rest of the world do the same. There's no harm in trying to brighten someone's day...just in case he's right. But instead of getting stressed out over things, I should realize that they're nothing...stones in the ocean. I should focus on MY pond, where the ripples CAN meet the shore...it may be temporary, and it may be small, but it's all that really matters.

Dreams

I've heard that we dream in short stretches...just minutes at a time. But when you're in a dream, time seems to stretch on for what can seem like hours. I wonder, if you could sleep long enough, and dream the whole time, could you live another life in your dreams? And since it was dream, you'd have some semblance of control over it? If this could happen, would you want to wake up?

I've had a weird relationship with dreams. When I was about 12, I had the same dream every night for over a week...I was older, about my mid-20's, and was in an alley. I was getting mugged, and when I pulled out my wallet, I was stabbed in the stomach. I spent my teens convinced I wouldn't live past the age of 26. When I was diagnosed with colitis at 17, I thought that was it. Colitis almost killed my father, and I went to the same doctor he did. I was the youngest patient he had diagnosed with it by 7 or 8 years. I remember him saying that it was extremely rare to have the problems I was having at such a young age. I cried when I got home from that appointment...I was sure that was what was going to kill me, and what the dream meant. I wasn't going to get stabbed, I was going to die of a 'stomach' ailment.

There were a couple times in my twenties when I thought that it might come true. One time in particular was over Christmas, shortly after my ex-wife and I moved in together. It was the worst my colitis ever got...I was on the verge of bleeding so much that she wanted to take me to the hospital. My doctor called in some medicine (prednisone...works like a charm, but makes me CRAZY. Like, sitting on the edge of the bed, bawling my eyes out for no reason, then screaming, then laughing crazy), and I got better. Haven't really had many problems with it since then...certainly nothing that bad. I'm not naive to think it's not going to happen again, though. It's a disease that goes into remission, but it'll be back. Just a matter of time.

Back to the point. Most of the time, I don't remember my dreams. Occasionally, I'll have one that is so vivid, so weird that I will remember it, but most of the time, they just come and are gone. I've had some wonderful dreams that I've remembered, though...and when it's my time, I hope I'm having one of those. And it'll stretch on, and on...

Empty house

I've been thinking today about being alone. I've said many times that I'm not really afraid of dying alone, and that's true. I think dying will be a pretty personal experience, and although it would be nice to pass on surrounded by my loved ones and all that, on the other hand I'd like for them to think of me in happier times, not on my deathbed. 

Living alone, though...that's something else. I don't necessarily like to live alone. I'm a bit of a loner at heart, but it's nice to know someone's got your back, right? It hits me when I'm sick...no one has my back right now. Sure, I have friends that would help me if I asked for it, but right now, there's no one around to help me if I need it. Up until I got divorced, that was never the case....I went straight from living with my parents to living with my wife. Even until recently, my father was around. My family has all moved away, I'm single, and it's all up to me. That's pretty scary sometimes. If I fall down the stairs, choke on a pretzel, cut myself...no one's going to find me for a couple of days, at least.

That's not to say that the fear of being alone should force me or any one else to stay in a bad situation. No, being alone sucks, but being miserable even with someone else sucks too. Sometimes being alone is preferable. But being in a good situation with someone else would be better. I'm jealous of those people that have found their 'one.' I'll never have a 50th wedding anniversary. Dying alone will be fine...living alone isn't always that much fun.

A day with the boy

So, the flu turns into a sinus infection. This is what happened last year, and it took me almost two months to finally kill it. I swear, I need new sinuses.

Short weekend with the boy. He went to a birthday party earlier today, to which I wasn't invited. Not a big deal, as I'm going to get extra time with him next weekend, and then we're going on vacation together in a few weeks. I do hate the short weekends, though. It's nice to have some time to myself, but I miss him.

We went to a 'sell Star Wars books' event this morning. It was kind of cool...they gave door prizes and had a trivia contest, and I got some pictures of the boy with some Star Wars characters. The trivia contest was interesting...I have no doubt that he could have answered every single question if they had let him. He won two prizes as it was, since no one else was able to answer one of the questions. Maybe I should cut down on the Star Wars stuff?

What made me proud was how polite he was, especially compared to some of the other kids. Where their parents were telling them to be quiet, or keep their hands to themselves, my boy sat there politely, raised his hand, and said please and thank you. Not going to get him a scholarship or anything, but it's certainly nice to see!

Day three...

Don't really have much to say tonight. Still feeling like crap. It's one thing to be sick during the week...gives me an excuse to work from home, which, while still work, does let me avoid actually seeing some of them. It's a completely different thing to be sick on the weekend, though. Ugh.

I'll get through it. Taking the boy to some Star Wars thing in the morning. Me, my coffee, and a metric shit-ton of drugs, most likely. But he'll enjoy it, and I want to make him happy. After that, I think the rest of the weekend will be spent lying around watching movies and praying that this thing passes. Soon.

A lame excuse is better than no excuse?

Yes, I'm *still* sick. I hate being sick...I know, I'm such a baby. There are people living with all kinds of disease and illness, getting busy with their lives. Me? A serious cold or the flu will absolutely lay me out.

I do have a bit of an excuse, lame as it may be. I have ulcerative colitis. It's a disease where my body treats my large intestine as an invader. From what I understand, when my body senses something it should be fighting, it instead spends its resources attacking my colon. In addition to the problems that causes on it's own, it means I get sick more, and when I get sick, it takes me longer to get over it. I'm supposed to take medicine to help with this, but I don't...in fact, I haven't treated it in almost 12 years. I know, I know...but I kind of figure if I don't go looking for trouble, I won't find any, right? Going to the doctor will mean that I will have to have a colonoscopy, which I hate. And it may find problems that I don't want to find. So I don't go.

Instead, I get sick. And it makes me miserable. My body will eventually get it's shit together (bad pun) and fight it off. Until then, it's more NyQuil for me. Ugh.

Still sick

Still sick. Miserably sick. But, it could be worse...I can move around, and I could probably eat if I got up off my ass and did so. I really just want to stay here in bed with the covers up over my head, though. Maybe later...

This does remind me of something I've mentioned before, but probably need to go into more detail about. Right now, I feel horrible. I know, intellectually, that a couple days ago, I felt great. And that a couple days from now, I'll be back to my old self as well. But I can't say I 'remember' feeling well. I know that I did. My body seems to have forgotten how that feels, however. It knows how it feels now, which is poor.

Depression is often like that, too. When I get depressed, I know intellectually that I wasn't always that way, and that I won't always feel that way, but when I'm in the middle of it, I only know how I feel THEN. At that point, it's up to my mind to overcome my feelings. To remind myself, that just like being sick now, it's a temporary problem that will go away. There might be things I can do to help it along, but it's a sickness that will pass, and I can't always just flip a switch and make it go away. Sometimes, you just have to wait it out.

My mind and body do very well telling me when things aren't going well. They don't do quite as good a job telling me when they are...which is when my intellect has to take over.

Sick

This isn't what I had planned on writing today, but sometimes I just have to go with the flow. I'm sick. There are very few things I like less in this world than being sick. I don't handle it well...I just want to go to sleep until it's over.

I've always felt that getting sick shoves my mortality in my face. Every time I'm sick, I feel like I die a little. I recover, and in some ways my body is stronger than before. But mentally, I've stared down the barrel of the gun of life. One day, something is going to claim me. Statistically speaking, it's going to be some disease or illness. Probably not this one (although this has all the signs of being a hell of a cold, if not worse, I don't think it'll be deadly), but some day, I'm going to get hit with something I'm not going to recover from.

That's not really the way I want to go out...being sick, feeling like a shit, then that's it. Of course, if I didn't feel like shit, I'm not going to want to go at all. As bad as I've felt at various points in my life, I've never felt enough physical or emotional pain that made me want to completely check out. Run away, yes. I've even thought about ending it. It's never been about ending it, though...just avoiding the pain. If something else doesn't get me first, there's a good chance that I'm come across something where the only way to avoid the pain will be to check out for good. Although I have faith that there's a God, I'm not so sure about the rest of it...certainly not sure enough to be looking forward to it.

This one doesn't appear to 'The One', though. So, cold meds and NyQuil until I recover...physically, anyway.

Second chances?

Life does not provide us with a "reset" button, nor are we able to call for a do-over as though we were kids on the playground. As best I can tell, we get one chance. Now, occasionally we are afforded a second opportunity, but that's not really the same as getting a chance to do it over.

I've had many relationships where I've dated someone, we broke up, and then got back together (hell, it was almost a monthly occurence with my HS girlfriend.) If it was my fault that we broke up, she's giving me a second opportunity to get it right, but we're both coming into it with hurt feelings and a history. It won't be the same...I can try harder to not make the same mistakes, but the relationship has changed.

Same with everything else. I didn't get a do-over with my marriage, but if I'm ever in that situation again, hopefully I'll avoid the mistakes I made and make the best of the next opportunity. Every day is another opportunity to teach my son something...some days, he learns something valuable, and other days he learns something I might rather he didn't. I will (hopefully) get an opportunity tomorrow to try again, but it's not a do-over...what's done is done.

This line of thinking isn't one that really makes things easier on me. I think it's generally a positive outlook to think that's there's always tomorrow, that there will be another chance. It's a bit more negative to think I've got one shot at something...screw this up, and it's done. I can try again, but the circumstances will be different, so it's not quite the same. Hopefully I'm smarter about it, but I've only got one chance to get it right the first time.

A good Sunday?!?

Sunday again. As opposed to most Sundays, I'm actually doing pretty well this week. Had a great time with the boy this weekend, and I've kept myself busy today. Did some cooking...started with hard-boiled eggs. I know, nothing that special, but damn do I love them. My goals this week are to spend a little more time in my kitchen, and start eating breakfast. I love breakfast foods, but I am slow to wake. Getting up and making something isn't on the top of my list...I usually just make some coffee and go. But a friend sent me an article about how much healthier I could be if I started eating breakfast, so tomorrow starts a two-week challenge I promised. Eat something for breakfast every day, and see if I feel better. I'll give it shot.

Other than that, not much going on. I'm trying to figure out what a message I received meant...God, I think too much, I know. But we've discussed this...the only thing worse than just straight out making a fool of myself is mis-reading something and THEN making a fool of myself. It's always like surgery for me...a delicate operation, where one false move and I've completely screwed things up. Tiptoe through the minefield for now...then I'll probably stumble around like a drunken fool.

Not looking forward to work this week, but I do get to see the boy tomorrow night for trick or treating, in addition to my normal Tuesday-Thursday-Friday. I've seen him every day for over a week now. Doesn't leave me much time for anything else, but I get to see my kid...can't complain about that! Next weekend's my short weekend, though. I hate to say it, but I'm already looking a little forward to sleeping in next Sunday.

Hope everyone is having/had a great weekend. I've been surprised by how many people seem to be reading this crap...thanks for listening!

Ah, me...

Not sure I've got much to say today. I've had a headache most of the day, and I'm feeling kind of bummed out. Don't really have a reason why...it just happens, I suppose.

I went to a party last night. Lots of kids, lots of old friends, lots of people I didn't know. It was a very diverse party, including a gay couple and a lesbian couple. Now, as I've said before, I couldn't care less. I'm jealous that they're in love, but as far as who people find love in, it's not my business nor is it my concern. I'm happy for them. What surprised me a bit was not my reaction to them, but the initial reaction I received. See, I'm a Tennessee Volunteer fan, and I was wearing my UT hat and jacket. When the lesbian couple (I hate calling them that, but I don't use names here...) came in, my hat was the first thing they noticed. I think the initial reaction was "redneck", and they seemed kind of wary around me. I made an effort to overcome it, but it initially caught me off guard...not sure I've ever received that kind of reaction before. It was certainly no big deal...not like I'm a social butterfly in those situations anyway. Just an observation. For the record, both couples were hilarious, and had me rolling. Good folks.

I was thinking last night when I was trying to go to sleep...there seems to be this struggle in my head. I've said many times that I lack self-esteem, and that's true in regards to me trying to approach someone. I don't feel confident that I'd be worth their effort. On the other hand, I seem to have enough self-esteem that I think I should be good enough for SOMEONE, otherwise I don't think I would be so frustrated about it. So I guess that's the problem...I'm waiting for someone to find value enough in me to want to get to know me, but I don't feel enough value in myself to just show them. Or at least that's what I figured out while half asleep.

What a piece of work.

Perspective

perspective -

1. a way of regarding situations, facts, etc., and judging their relative importance

2. the proper or accurate point of view or the ability to see it; objectivity
Collins English Dictionary, Unabridged

I mentioned perspective a couple days ago, something about the need for me to keep the proper perspective. It's something I struggle with constantly. I have a hard time determining what's important and what isn't, and I attach significance to things that don't deserve it.

Because I often put too much value on things, I get frustrated when the truth is the item probably doesn't deserve my attention at all. For example, something will happen at work that will upset me, even though it really doesn't have anything to do with me...I'm getting upset over the principle of the thing, I suppose. That's kind of ridiculous...it's the same thing I was blasting people for yesterday. If it doesn't affect me, why do I care? Those things are items I need to just let go. I'm trying.

I'm also bad at under-valuing important things...for instance, I under-valued my marriage. I should have worked harder at fixing it. Instead, I let things spiral out of control. By the time I stepped out of the tornado, it was too late. It's a mistake I won't make again. There are things I should never let go of...again, I'm trying.

The other problem I have is figuring out the meaning of things...was it important, or did it not matter at all? I struggle with this one all the time. I am HORRIBLE at picking up hints or signals...I tend to undervalue them (I think this is helped by the low self-esteem I have.) Did that touch mean she's interested? Could be, but my mind automatically jumps to 'why in the hell would she be interested in YOU???' So, I miss what could have been a signal, because I can't seem to value them properly.

If there was just a way for me to instantly know what was important, and what isn't, I think I'd be a lot happier. Of course, you could argue that nothing is important...we're all going to die anyway. I'm not THAT much of a pessimist. But the ability to accurately identify what is important, and then focus on them, is definitely a skill I need to work on.

Various thoughts

Ever have so much to say that you have difficulty saying anything? That's kind of where I'm at right now. So, this might be a bit jumbled...

First, I get SO frustrated by people that can't seem to help themselves with ANYTHING. There are people that I work with, in top-level positions, that would have an assistant wipe their ass if they could. And it filters down. Now, I'm not the most do-it-yourself person on the planet, but if I think I am able to do something myself, I at least try. Some of these people don't even bother with that...if it's not handed to them on a silver platter, forget it. They'll find someone to do it for them (usually me.)

Second, I am probably way out of touch, and shouldn't even broach this subject, but I don't understand the Occupiers, the Tea-baggers, or any of the other dozen or so groups. Listen, I'm upset too. I think the people in charge suck. I think companies are greedy. But I don't understand these people who are just camping out in cities...do you not have jobs? And why should I feel for you, when I'm paying for you to be there, paying for the police to keep things in line, and I'll be paying for the cleanup after you're done accomplishing nothing? Voice your displeasure, sure. But be productive. And target the right things...every good movement ends up drawing in the dipshits who just want to be part of 'something'. Maybe I should feel that strongly about something...but to tell the truth, I'm too busy trying to keep my own life together. I suppose it must be nice to not have to worry about that yourselves.

Third, speaking of dipshits, why am I such a dipshit myself sometimes? I'm honestly not sure what the hell has happened to me...I've never really been forgetful, but I've been forgetting everything lately. I've said things that I thought would be sweet or charming, and instead I just seem to be pissing everyone off. I'm not sure if my karma is just in a slump these last two weeks or what, but I think I'd be better off just keeping things simple and my mouth shut.

Of course, I know that I won't.

Lowered Expectations?

I heard once that a lot of unhappiness in our lives is caused not by the realities of our situations, but instead by things not reaching our expectations. I find this to be true with myself, and I've tried to adjust...unsuccessfully.

First things first...when I say 'adjust', I most certainly DO NOT mean that I need to lower my expectations. I mean, they need to be 'modified' to fit reality. It is completely unrealistic to expect the people I work with to do things 'right' in the way I think they should be done. This doesn't mean that I should expect less...just that I shouldn't get nearly as frustrated when I don't get it. I can explain what I find lacking and try to change it, but everyone has different ideals about how things should go. And I need to realize that it's not MY company...I just work there. If I were in charge, I could have a bigger hand in how things work. Jumping up on my soapbox and getting frustrated when they aren't listening isn't going to get it done.

Same goes for other aspects of my life. I can't expect Selma Hayek to walk into my life...nor would I want her to, because I imagine the reality is not at all the same as the fantasy. I have been very fortunate with relationships...although none, obviously, have lasted as long as I expected them to, I have dated some very beautiful, amazing women. None of them just fell in my lap, though, and I can't expect to have them start doing so now. Everyone is looking for something. Some people have found it, some people haven't, and for most I ain't got it. Or, they haven't seen it in me yet...that's my fault for not showing it. But getting frustrated about it isn't going to do any good.

I've said this last week or so has been shit. That's still true...bought a replacement lightbulb for the main one in the house that burnt out last week, rigged up a makeshift (read - dangerous) ladder, climbed up there and found out it was too big to fit with the globe over top it. Sigh. That's what I get for trying to be energy conscious. Just another little thing to add to the list of little things. My expectations were that it would fit. The reality was that it didn't. Annoying, yes. But in the grand scheme of things, a little bump in the road. The best friend to realistic expectations has to be perspective. Two skills that I need to work on. And I am.

Where am I going?

One of the first things you need to do when you start a project is to figure out what it is you're trying to accomplish. The end result may differ, either because you change your mind or don't quite get there, but the first key part is to decide what it is that you want. I haven't the slightest idea what I want most of the time.

I have a vague idea, I suppose. I want my son to grow up healthy and happy, knowing the difference between right and wrong and trying to be a productive citizen of the world. I'd like to have a job that I enjoy, that allows me to pay my bills, and that keeps me engaged. I'd like to find a girl whose company I enjoy, who enjoys my company, and that I can spend my time with (if she's a latino, long-haired brunette with glasses who likes to wear sweat pants and looks good in them, so much the better...but I'm pretty flexible on all of those. Personality trumps everything.)

But that's about it. I don't have a specific plan, and I don't feel like I'm actively working towards any of that, except maybe the boy. Of course, that's the most important one, but it would be nice to achieve all of them. I hate my job, and I send out resumes, but I'm not REALLY working toward finding another one. I'm completely hesitant about the girl thing...we've discussed it many times, but I haven't decided I'm really worth anyone's effort yet. Until I can get over that hump, I'm just treading water.

Given that, can there really be any surprise that I haven't reached my goals yet? I haven't decided on exactly what those goals even should be, let alone figured out how to get there. Maybe THAT'S what I need to consider first.

What next?

Over the past week and a half, things have gone nuts. I described last week's fun...horrible week at work, power window breaking, check engine light came on, forgot the kid's homework on Thursday, near miss on the highway. This weekend, I had a light bulb blow in the one place in the house that I can't reach without a ladder (which I don't own), missed the boy's Taekwando tourney, and fell down the stairs at my house (I'm okay...fell on my ass, and it's well padded.) This morning, I forgot my laptop at home...didn't realize it until I had made the hour commute to work. Turned around to come back home and get it, and sat on the highway for 20 minutes due to an accident.

I'm truly trying to keep a positive outlook. I'm trying to stay upbeat, and understand that these things happen, that it's just a coincidence that they're all happening at once. I'm still very blessed. But man, it's hard to keep the attitude positive sometimes. It seriously makes me want to just crawl in a hole, and stay there.

I wonder why I'm here. Why do these things happen? How do 'normal' people survive when it feels like their world is falling apart? I am fortunate to know some extremely positive people, and I just don't know how they do it. Things like this build up, and I'm ready to give in. It makes me feel weak, and broken.

I'm not weak, though. I am damaged, but I'm not broken. I will get through this, and things will start to look up. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.

Entertain me

Another Sunday, and I'm getting ready to go to face another week. One of the biggest things that helps me get through my weeks, and not kill anyone, or myself, is the escape I get in movies, books and music.

Ever since I was young, I loved music. I took piano lessons when I was young, and played the trombone in band. I really wish I had had the foresight to stick with the piano. I stopped taking lessons when my parents got divorced and I moved. I so admire anyone with the talent to play an instrument.

I had always been into movies, too, but my love for them really took off when I started working at a movie theater in high school and college. I loved watching them, and tried to see as many as I could. When I wasn't in class or working, you could often find me at the theater anyway, watching a flick or just hanging out. I'd love to be back in that business...unfortunately, the pay is shit, and theaters are kind of a dying breed. Hell, I don't even go to see movies much anymore. I have a pretty decent setup at home, and can enjoy the experience as much from my house.

One thing that always kind of bugs me are those people that are entertainment 'snobs.' I have some favorite genres and bands, but I really do dig a lot of very different things. I'm pretty easy, I think...I want to be moved. Tell me a story that transports me. Teach me something. Play your instruments or sing with passion. As long as those things are happening, I can be hooked. Doesn't matter if it's a love story or horror, country or bluegrass or metal, fiction or non-fiction, draw me in. I don't get all that hung up on the production value, or whether this band sounds like that one, etc....I'm not a critic, I'm a consumer.

Thank God for those things that draw me away, and drag me into another world, even if it's for just a couple minutes at a time.